I showered with cold water. I wanted it to wake me up, but I also needed it to calm down. I felt sick to my stomach as memories drudged up by the dream haunted my every waking moment. The tears don’t come anymore. I told myself it happened years ago and tried to push it down without lingering on it. That’s how I’ve always handled it.
I got out of the shower slightly more refreshed than before and returned to my allotted room.
“Kouya,” someone called behind me just as I placed my hand on the doorknob. I looked over my shoulder a little surprised. I could tell who it was just by her voice.
“What time do you think it is right now?” I said brusquely.
“Ahaha…” Azusa laughed awkwardly. She held up two coffee cups and faintly smiled as she asked, “Will you drink with me?”
It was already past 1 a.m. I opened the door and stood aside for her to come in.
“Pardon my intrusion,” she said and sat on the couch in my room. I sat beside her, leaving a gap between us.
“What a relief. Ichi is already out cold and I didn’t want to wake her. I was wandering around wondering what to do when I spotted you.”
“Are you always up this late?”
“Hardly! I’m usually long asleep by this time,” Azusa said before her face tightened with regret over letting that slip.
“You couldn’t sleep?”
“Ahaha…pathetic, right? Maybe I had too much coffee.” She forced a halfhearted smile and sipped at the corner of her coffee cup with her face turned away from me. An egregious amount of hot milk filled her cup to the brim. The cup she placed in front of me had hot milk in it as well.
“You don’t have to go if you’re scared,” I said in a low snarl that took even me by surprise.
“Are you angry?”
“……” I had no reply. I figured there was no point in affirming or denying it—my attitude spoke volumes.
“I figured as much… I’m sorry.”
Her apology was probably how she felt about not going along with my wishes. I could feel the wrinkles in my brow deepening into a scowl.
I feel sick. And I just cooled down in the shower too… My feelings were spinning in a futile circle. I wanted to protect her, but the situation and her refusal to let me protect her further incited my frustration. I feared I might use all my strength to crush that Tsukiharu guy the next time I saw him.
And then it suddenly occurred to me to wonder what it is I’m so annoyed about. Sure, I won’t deny I see Azusa differently from others as I’ve known her since she was four. I even thought I would keep an eye out for her more than the kids in our Coven. Protecting her and staying with her all the time are my orders; my personal feelings should have nothing to do with it. Strange. If that’s the case, why am I so annoyed?
When Tsukiharu first kidnapped her, the orders from above were to abandon her. And yet I ignored Subaru’s attempts to stop me and charged in to save her. Why did I do that?
I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I got the feeling I would be better off not setting foot into that realm of thought.
“Are you all right? Are you tired? It is pretty late.”
I don’t know how she interpreted my behavior, but I spotted her peering at me with concern. I lifted my head to better face her.
“I’m fine. You should sleep after you finish your drink. This isn’t a good time for children to be awake.”
“I will be eighteen soon, you know? I’m almost an adult! How long do you plan on staying up, Kouya?”
“I usually stay up until about three,” I responded with an air of what-does-that-matter.
Azusa grinned. “Is it okay for me to stay here until then?”
“Huh?”
“I doubt I’ll be getting any sleep tonight.”
“……”
I could almost see the question marks floating over my head.
What is this girl saying? I mean, it’s strange enough for a girl to visit a man’s room late at night—I don’t get why she would plan on staying until I fall asleep. I felt like questioning the kind of education her father gave her about men.
“Can’t I?”
“You can’t.” It took everything I had to give that much of a response. Azusa puffed out her cheeks and clung to the couch’s armrest as if to emphasize she wouldn’t move unless I dragged her away by force.
For argument’s sake, I swear it’s fine with me if she doesn’t particularly view me as a man. What concerns me is if she acts this way with other men. I’m not well-versed in the modern sense of virtue, but I think she’s not acting appropriately for a woman her age.
“Don’t blame me if you get ravished then.” By other men, is what I meant when I said it. But she didn’t seem to take it that way. She froze for a moment before turning bright red as if all the blood in her body flooded her face.
“Uh, r-ravished—”
“Not by me. By other men. You are of age, so try to be more modest and proper,” I quickly revised my prior statement. Azusa’s stiffened muscles relaxed as she sighed with relief.
“Y-You make a valid point. Oh, but there is no need to worry about that! I won’t do it with anyone else!”
“…I see.”
Should I be happy about that?
“I understand what you are trying to say. I will be careful around other men! Oh, but, it’s okay if I act like this with you, right? In which case, please allow me to stay with you until you fall asleep!”
“……”
She doesn’t understand at all. I sighed. I leaned back against the couch and gazed up at the ceiling. My head hurt—in the mental sense.
“Are you all right? Do you feel sick? Oh! Are you in need of blood?” Azusa asked, coming to the wrong conclusion, and swiftly closed the space between us.
I wanted to sigh as the flowery scent of her soap tickled my nose. I did tell her to only be careful of other men, but I never said not to see me as one too. Does she lack common sense?
“Um…”
“……”
“…W-Want a drink?”
I glanced at the red-faced Azusa shyly exposing her neck to me—I lost my self-control. I scooped both her legs up and pushed her down on the couch. I grabbed both her wrists and secured them so she couldn’t escape. She was surprised by the sudden turn of events, and trembled as the blood flushed every inch of her delicate white skin a tempting red.
“You’re adorable.”
“…What?”
The words came naturally from me—even I was shocked. Her not hearing me was my only saving grace. I’m embarrassed. What the heck did I just say?
“Will you let me have a drink?” I growled deeply to gain control of the situation.
You should run in fear of me now. You should learn firsthand from this experience to never allow yourself to be this defenseless and inviting. That was my genius plan.
“…Go ahead.”
“……”
What should I do? was my first thought.