AFTER THEIR RECENT ARGUMENT, KOKORO’S mother didn’t question her any more about her whereabouts during the day. Maybe Ms Kitajima had advised her that it wasn’t good to pressurize her, or something along those lines. Her mother still seemed to be in touch with her.
Ms Kitajima’s tone was friendly and light-hearted. ‘It’s been a while,’ she said. ‘How have you been? It’s still so hot, isn’t it, even though it’s September.’
‘Yes.’
Kokoro didn’t think her face revealed what she was really thinking, but Ms Kitajima laughed and said, ‘I didn’t come for any particular reason. I just thought if I visited during the day, I might catch you. I really wanted to see you again, Kokoro-chan.’
‘Yes.’
Kokoro could manage nothing but to repeat herself. She was also relieved Ms Kitajima had picked a moment when Kokoro was back home. Otherwise she might inform on her. She’d said she hadn’t seen Kokoro in a while, but the fact was they’d only met once, when Kokoro visited the School. Still, this visit must be part of her job as well.
Kokoro stood in the doorway, silently steeling herself, yet inside she felt the warm, tingling sensation of the words Ms Kitajima had said to her mother. Words that Kokoro wanted to cling to.
It’s not Kokoro-chan’s fault at all that she can’t go to school.
Kokoro didn’t think Ms Kitajima had looked into what had happened to her, but the teacher did know that she wasn’t missing school simply because she was lazy.
She understood.
‘Ms Kitajima?’
These thoughts finally let her speak.
‘Yes?’ Ms Kitajima asked, and gazed at her.
‘What you said to my mum – is that really true?’
Ms Kitajima’s almond-shaped eyes wavered a bit, and Kokoro, unable to hold her gaze, looked away.
‘You said it wasn’t my fault I can’t go to school.’
‘That’s right.’
Ms Kitajima nodded. A clear, emphatic nod. Her certainty made Kokoro’s eyes widen, and she looked back more intently.
‘I did say that.’
‘But how …?’
A hundred thoughts whirled in her brain as she looked up at Ms Kitajima, and then, in an instant, she understood. I didn’t really want to ask her how she knew I wasn’t to blame – but rather that was my wish.
The wish that Ms Kitajima would realize all this.
But Kokoro couldn’t say it.
These people are adults and they’re bound by rules. She knew that Ms Kitajima’s kindness would no doubt extend equally to everyone. If Miori Sanada were in trouble, and claimed she couldn’t go to school, Ms Kitajima would surely be equally kind to her.
She knew if Ms Kitajima were to ask her anything more, she might end up telling her everything. In her heart, Kokoro was hoping that Ms Kitajima would ask her, What happened at school? There’s got to be a reason you’re not going, no? Kokoro was impatiently waiting for those very questions.
But what Ms Kitajima said next was completely different.
‘I mean, you’re battling every single day, aren’t you?’ she said.
Kokoro breathed in silently.
Battling. Kokoro had no idea what she meant by this. But the instant she heard it, the most vulnerable part inside her chest grew hot and constricted. Not because it hurt. But because she was happy.
‘Battling?’
‘Um. It seems to me like you’ve struggled so hard up till now. And are battling even now.’
She must think that Kokoro was spending all day napping or watching TV, and misinterpret her absence from the house as her going out to have fun – and if she hadn’t been going to the castle, that might actually be true – but despite all that, Ms Kitajima still said she was battling?
She found herself trembling.
This idea of kids battling to get by might just be a generalization. This was Ms Kitajima’s job, after all. So perhaps she was simply saying what applied to everyone.
But her words shot straight to the very core of Kokoro’s heart. She hadn’t thought of it that way before, but now that she did, she realized that yes, she had been trying to battle through each day. Even now, not going to school in order not to be killed.
‘Is it OK if I stop by again?’
Ureshino’s words suddenly came back to her.
The teachers there really listened to me.
‘Of course.’
It was all Kokoro could do to get this reply out.
‘Thank you,’ Ms Kitajima said. ‘Here’s a little something for you,’ and she held out a small package.
What could it be? Kokoro wondered, eyeing it without taking it.
‘It’s tea. Teabags,’ Ms Kitajima said.
It was in a pretty light blue envelope with a drawing of wild strawberries on it.
‘It’s a kind of flavoured black tea I like. Please try it if you’d like to. Will you take it?’
‘Of course.’ Kokoro managed to thank her.
‘You’re very welcome. I’ll see you soon, then.’
Their conversation had died away, but Kokoro found herself wanting more, wanting to somehow keep her from leaving.
After seeing her off, Kokoro realized she felt a strange sense of closeness with Ms Kitajima.
She reminded her of someone. Even though she hardly knew anyone Ms Kitajima’s age.
Or was that exactly why she was a teacher at the School, because she was good at winning over children?
Kokoro opened the envelope with the tea. It wasn’t sealed. Inside were two teabag sachets that matched the colour of the envelope. At home her parents drank black tea, but she’d never been asked if she’d like some. It made her happy finally to be treated like a grown-up.