‘I CALLED THEM TO LET them know.’
As she reappeared in the dining room, her mother’s irritated tone had resumed. She looked at Kokoro, who hadn’t moved an inch the entire time, and frowned. ‘Look, if your stomach still hurts, you should go back to bed. I’ll leave the lunch I made for you to eat at school, so if you feel like eating, go ahead.’ Her mother spoke without so much as a glance at Kokoro, and started to get ready to go out.
If only her father were here, Kokoro thought painfully, he’d stand up for her. Both her parents worked, and since her father’s job was further away, he left early in the morning. Most days when she woke up, he was already gone.
If she just stood here, she’d most likely get told off further, so Kokoro started to climb the stairs. From behind, like a final stab, she heard her mother let out another loud sigh.
✦ ✦ ✦
BEFORE SHE KNEW IT, IT was three o’clock.
She had left her TV on, and it was now airing an afternoon talk show. After a segment highlighting celebrity scandals and news, it switched to an infomercial, and Kokoro finally hauled herself out of bed.
Why was she so sleepy? When she was at home, she always felt so much sleepier than she did at school.
She rubbed the sleepy dust from her eyes, wiped away the trace of drool from the corner of her mouth, turned off the TV and went downstairs. As she stood at the kitchen sink and washed her face, she realized how hungry she was.
She went to the dining room and opened the bento lunch her mother had made for her.
As she untied the ribbon holding the checked cloth around it, Kokoro thought of how her mother must have pictured her as she wrapped the bento, how she saw her enjoying the lunch at the School. Her chest tightened at the thought, and she wished she could apologize to her for not going.
There was a small Tupperware container too, on top of the bento, and when she opened it Kokoro found slices of kiwi fruit, one of her favourites. The bento itself was something she loved: three-coloured soboro rice, minced cooked cod, ground chicken and egg in a lively design.
She took one bite and hung her head.
When they’d first visited the School, it had seemed like a fun place, so why couldn’t she bring herself to go? This morning she’d thought that her stomach ache had prevented her from going today only, but now that she’d wasted the entire day, she’d lost all desire to go at all.
✦ ✦ ✦
THE KIDS AT THE SCHOOL were of both elementary and junior high age.
They all seemed like normal children, and none struck her as the sort who couldn’t get on in public school. None of them were especially overweight or particularly depressed, and none of them seemed like losers no one wanted to hang out with.
The only difference was that the junior high kids weren’t in school uniforms.
Two girls a little older than Kokoro had brought their desks together, facing each other, and the snatch of conversation she’d overheard – That totally sucks. For sure, but you know … – seemed no different from the chat at her junior high. When she overheard this little scene, her gut started to ache again, though she also found it strange that girls like these, seemingly so normal, had dropped out of school.
As Ms Kitajima showed them around, one child came up to her complaining that ‘Masaya hit me!’ The child had charm, and Kokoro imagined herself playing games with him if she started at the School. She could see it clearly.
Her mother said she’d stay in the office downstairs with the head of the school, while Kokoro went on a little tour.
Her mother never mentioned it, but Kokoro got the distinct impression that she’d been to the School a number of times herself, before Kokoro made her visit. The way the other teachers greeted her mother made it clear they’d met before.
Kokoro remembered how awkward and uncomfortable her mother had been when she first broached the topic of visiting the School, and realized how her mother, in her own way, was trying her best to be sensitive to Kokoro’s feelings.
When Kokoro stood outside the office where her mother was waiting, she heard what she took to be the voice of the head of the school, saying, ‘Elementary school is such a pleasant, comforting place for most children, so it’s not at all unusual for many to have trouble fitting in when they make the transition to junior high. Especially with a junior high like Yukishina No. 5, which has grown so large, what with other schools merging after the school restructuring. They now have one of the largest number of students.’
Kokoro took a deep breath.
At least they’re not touching on painful subjects, she thought.
And it was true – when she’d entered junior high, she’d suddenly gone from a school with two classes in each year to one with seven, and it had definitely thrown her. She barely knew anyone in her homeroom.
But that wasn’t it.
That wasn’t the reason why she had trouble fitting in.
This woman has no idea what I’ve been through, she thought.
Ms Kitajima, standing beside Kokoro, seemed completely unfazed by what they’d overheard, and knocked firmly at the door. ‘Excuse me,’ she announced. The older head teacher and Kokoro’s mother, seated opposite each other, turned simultaneously to face them.
Her mother was clutching a handkerchief, and Kokoro hoped she hadn’t been crying.
✦ ✦ ✦
IF SHE LEFT THE TV on, she would end up watching it.
And if she did, she’d feel she’d accomplished something, even though she’d wasted the entire day.
Even if she was watching a programme with a plot, a drama for instance, she realized that most of the time she couldn’t recall the story. What am I doing? she’d wonder, and suddenly find the day drawing to a close.
On the screen they were interviewing a housewife on the street, and when she casually made the comment that she was out ‘While the kids are at school,’ Kokoro felt like this was a barbed rebuke directed straight at her.
✦ ✦ ✦
KOKORO’S HOMEROOM TEACHER AT Yukishina No.5, Mr Ida, was a young man, who still stopped by their house to check on her from time to time. Sometimes Kokoro would come downstairs to see him, sometimes not. ‘Mr Ida’s here,’ Kokoro’s mum would announce. ‘Do you want to see him?’
Kokoro knew she really should talk to him, but on days when she told her mother she didn’t want to, her mother never got upset. ‘All right, I’ll talk to him today,’ she’d say, and show him into their living room.
‘Today’s really not a good day for her …’ her mother would apologize, and Mr Ida would say, ‘That’s fine. No problem at all.’
Kokoro hadn’t expected them to let her get away with it, and it left her confused. She’d always believed she had to do what her teachers, her parents and other adults told her, but how they readily assented to her now made her finally understand: this was a real emergency.
Everyone’s walking on eggshells because of me, she thought.
Occasionally her classmates from elementary school, Satsuki-chan and Sumida-san, would also come by to see how she was doing. They had moved into different classes now, and maybe their teacher had asked them to visit. But Kokoro felt embarrassed about skipping school, and she refused to see these long-time friends when they stopped by.
She really did want to see them – she felt there was so much she wanted to say – but making them feel obliged to come over made her uncomfortable, and that’s how it turned out.
✦ ✦ ✦
WHILE SHE WAS EATING THE bento, the phone rang. Just as she was wondering whether to get it, it clicked on to the answering machine.
‘Hello? Kokoro? If you’re there, will you pick up?’
Her mother’s voice. Kind and calm. Kokoro hurriedly picked up the phone.
‘Hello?’
‘Kokoro? It’s me.’
Her voice was gentle now, not like this morning. She heard her mother laugh. Where was she? It sounded quiet around her, so maybe she’d stepped out of the office.
‘You made me worried when you didn’t answer. Are you all right? Are you eating the bento? How’s your stomach?’
‘I’m OK.’
‘Really? I was thinking that if you were still feeling ill, maybe you should go and see the doctor.’
‘I’m OK.’
‘I’ll come home early today. It’s going to be all right, Kokoro. We’re just learning how to deal with this, so let’s do our best to work through it, OK?’
Her mother sounded so cheerful, but all Kokoro could manage was a muttered ‘Sure’ in response.
Her mother had been so cross this morning. So what had happened since? Maybe she’d got advice on the situation from one of her colleagues at work? Or perhaps she was having her own second thoughts about her earlier outburst and thought she’d call.
Do our best. Kokoro had no idea if she could live up to her mum’s expectations, but she went ahead and agreed with her anyway.