"Young Master, this is the forest marked on the map." A guard from the Count’s Mansion approached Philip, map in hand.
"This is it?" Philip didn’t even look up, instead taking out a bottle of Insect-Repelling Potion and sprinkling it on himself. "How much farther to the target?"
"According to the map, we’ll be there soon after we pass through this forest," the guard said.
"Let’s rest a bit." Philip looked up at the towering Bang-Bang Trees. "These trees are so tall. They feel almost as high as the castle’s turrets."
"The turrets are a bit taller than these trees, Young Master." The guard brought over a thick blanket, spread it on the ground, then took out some food and placed it on the blanket.
Philip took the waterskin from the guard and sat on the blanket. "If it weren’t for your kind, I wouldn’t want to enter the Nightmare Forest at all. You should be thanking me for finding your family."
On the bird stand carried by a nearby guard, the little goblin Yun Xiya clung tightly to the metal pole. The humans’ reckless pace had subjected her to quite a bumpy ride.
"I wonder if they’ll be happy to see you like this. Uninjured, in good health... Your family should thank me," Philip said, popping a piece of candied fruit into his mouth.
"Demon," Yun Xiya said hatefully.
"I already told you, I’m human." Philip looked at Yun Xiya’s hateful gaze and grinned happily.
"Young Master, when the time comes, let us enter the Relic. You can wait at the entrance with a single guard," said a guard with noticeably better equipment, approaching Philip to persuade him.
"Deputy Captain of the Guard, this is the eighth time you’ve tried to persuade me," Philip said calmly, glancing at him.
"But Young Master, the Relic is very dangerous. Even the Storm Brotherhood died in there. I’m afraid something will happen to you."
"Our preparations are comprehensive. Everyone’s Armor is intact, our weapons are sharp, and they even have magical protection. Our opponents are just a bunch of goblins who know a little Magic. They can’t even handle Blazing Fire Glue. What is there to be afraid of?" Philip said dismissively. He then dangled a piece of candied fruit in front of Yun Xiya, making "CHIRP CHIRP" sounds as if teasing a bird.
"In that case, please be sure to stand behind us, Young Master." After clenching his jaw a few times, the Deputy Captain of the Guard had no choice but to settle for the next best thing.
"Fine, I know." Philip waved his hand dismissively, then leaned over and asked Yun Xiya, "How does it feel to be going home?"
The little goblin Yun Xiya stared furiously at the human noble before her. If her eyes could shoot Magic, Philip would surely be carved up and served on a platter by now.
"Alright, that’s enough rest." Philip ignored the little goblin. He got up from the expensive, thick blanket, clapped his hands, and after taking a big gulp of honeyed water, shouted, "Let’s cross this forest, kill those goblins, and ’rid the world of a pest’!"
Hearing their Young Master’s words, all the guards burst into laughter. They quickly scrambled up from the ground, adjusted their equipment, and walked into the Bang Bang Forest, chatting and laughing amongst themselves, showing no tension at the prospect of an imminent battle.
’A group of formidable goblins,’ Philip thought as he kicked a stone aside. ’You’ll be the material for the Minstrel’s songs about me. They’ll surely be sung all over Plantagenet City.’
***
"They’re coming through the Bang Bang Forest?" Shire looked at the reporting goblin before him, a hint of surprise on his face.
’Philip, that’s just like you. No detour, no surprise attack, just brazenly marching right over.’ He chuckled and shook his head. "Go call back the other goblin lookouts. The enemy is here."
As his subordinate ran off, Shire immediately ordered the others to check their defenses: cheval de frise wrapped in iron chains and made sturdier, piles of dirt ready to extinguish fires, crate after crate of Hand Grenade Fruits, and the Stinky Spore Balls he’d specifically sent someone to retrieve.
Everything was placed in its proper position, ready to be grabbed and used at a moment’s notice.
And this time, even without Slimes or Brain-Eating Monsters, he was still full of confidence.
"Caocao, don’t squeeze these too hard. Just pick them up gently and throw them," Shire said, walking over to Caocao and reminding the Giant yet again how to use the soft, black balls.
He had trained Caocao to throw the Stinky Spore Balls before. At first, the Giant’s grip was too strong, and he’d crushed them on contact, causing the black fluid to splatter everywhere. If it weren’t for the promise of roasted venison covered in Shaman Spices, Caocao wouldn’t have been willing to play with these things at all.
Shire knew the effects of the Stinky Spores all too well. He deduced that Hand Grenade Fruits and Blazing Fire Glue wouldn’t be effective at harming them, and Magic would be even less so. The only thing that could truly overwhelm the Count’s guards were these Stinky Spores. As long as he could impair their judgment and put them in a state of extreme discomfort, the scales of victory would tip toward the goblins.
"Chief, do I just hide here the whole time?" Lame Leg asked, sitting behind a stone pillar and looking up at his leader.
"Yes, you stay right here and deploy your ’Big Treasure’," Shire said with a smile. "Secure it among the Blue Fluorescent Mushrooms on the ceiling. Make sure no one sees it."
Lame Leg nodded vigorously to show he understood. He was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t be ’ant-wrangling’ in today’s battle, but the Chief had said he was still very important.
Inside the Fortress, the goblins were all chatting and laughing, talking nonsense. Their most frequent topics were what they would eat after their victory and what day their new beds would arrive. There was no sense of tension that a battle was about to begin.
"What do you need us to do?" Shan Xi Ao asked, flying onto Shire’s shoulder and preening his wings, feigning nonchalance.
"Nothing. Just stay with your father and mother," Shire said, his hands clasped behind his back as he stared at the Fortress entrance.
"Are you sure?" Shan Xi Ao mimicked the goblins, standing with his hands behind his back. He wanted to say something grand and heroic but couldn’t think of the words.
"Your mother needs you more. Her body hasn’t fully recovered yet," Shire said calmly. "If we fail, you and your father need to help your mother escape."
"Uh..." Shan Xi Ao hadn’t expected him to say something like that. He thought he would hear some confident speech about how victory was a sure thing.
"It’s not shameful to run for your family’s sake," Shire said with a small smile.
Shan Xi Ao fell silent. He wanted to argue, but he also felt that Shire was right. In the end, he could only stand quietly on Shire’s shoulder, his hands clasped behind his back.
"Chief, they’re here!" Broken Tooth ran over, shouting his report that the humans had emerged from the Bang Bang Forest.
"Your mission is the same as always. Monitor them with the telescope and don’t get spotted." After speaking, Shire helped Broken Tooth straighten the grass circlet on his head, which had probably gotten crooked from running so fast.
Watching his subordinate run out of the Fortress, one hand holding his head and the other clutching the telescope, Shire took a deep breath.
’They’re here.’
Shan Xi Ao mimicked him, also taking a deep breath.
***
"This is the entrance." Philip looked at the passageway before him, craning his neck to peer down.
Though he had been full of bold talk on the way, now that he was actually at the Relic’s entrance, he became somewhat timid. "Deputy Captain of the Guard, assemble the men. Prepare for battle."
The Deputy Captain of the Guard shouted orders, arranging the troops into a battle formation. He sent men down to the entrance of the stone chamber, who immediately tore two Magic Scrolls of the Light Technique.
Then, several guards filed in one by one. Everyone warily scanned their surroundings, especially the ceiling. According to their intelligence, this chamber was supposed to be filled with Slimes, and the ground covered in corrosive pits.
"Spread out carefully! Watch above and below!" the Deputy Captain of the Guard shouted,
Soon, all twenty guards had entered the stone chamber. Philip remained alone at the entrance, holding the bird stand with Yun Xiya’s ankle chained to it.
"Clear!" "Clear over here too!" "No Slimes!" After a series of reports finally confirmed the chamber was no longer dangerous, Philip strolled in with a chuckle. "It seems those goblins have all retreated into their shells. They’ve run out of defenses."
The Deputy Captain of the Guard nodded as well. ’It seems the Young Master had a point. Maintaining the defenses described in the intel would indeed require a lot of supplies, and as the walking ’3 Silver Coins’ of the forest, it’s impossible for those goblins to have such resources.’
"Defensive formation, advance!" he commanded loudly, once again reminding Philip to stay behind them.
The group of guards formed a standard small military formation and slowly approached the entrance to the Brain-Eating Monster room. The intel said this area was swarming with Brain-Eating Monsters and had wiped out half of the Storm Brotherhood’s forces. But now, they had specially prepared the Light Technique and numerous torches to deal with any sudden enemies.
"CLANK CLANK CLANK." The sound of Armor clashing echoed continuously in the quiet, narrow stone chamber. The guards scanned their surroundings, terrified that a few Brain-Eating Monsters might suddenly leap from the shelves and pounce on their faces.
Philip followed closely behind the Deputy Captain of the Guard. He unconsciously tightened his grip on the handle of the bird stand, completely unaware that his trembling hands were causing it to sway back and forth. Yun Xiya could only cling to the pole, watching him with a mixture of rage and contempt.
"It seems there are no Brain-Eating Monsters here either," one guard said boldly.
Several others chimed in. They had reached the middle of the chamber, and besides the Darkness, there wasn’t a single sound. Ricardo’s report had claimed this place was filled with the "SHUFFLE SHUFFLE" of the Brain-Eating Monsters’ footsteps.
"Goblins, Hmph," Philip said disdainfully. He stretched his body, feeling embarrassed about how scared he had just been. Even though no one was paying attention to him, he still felt uncomfortable.
’I really want to capture that goblin chief alive, chain him to the castle gate, and tease him every day.’ A corner of Philip’s mouth twitched up. ’That’s the only way to maintain my perfect image.’
"SQUEAK SQUEAK." A mouse scurried past from the side. Philip immediately let out a scream.
"AHHH—"