why am i hereThis question made me want to cry, but I raised my eyes to look at Fang Shuyi. He looked out of the window indifferently, pretending to have nothing to do with me, while Lu Weixi stared at me without saying a word. Xiao Heng also seemed to realize that the two of them were hiding something from him, but he didn't intend to get to the bottom of it at all. Seeing me standing speechless, he asked again: "May I ask what you want?"
It was as if we were strangers who met by chance, he was polite and courteous, and only I was dazed and apprehensive.
I still water the wildflowers on the window sill every day, and the petals are a little wilted before today. He woke up for a day, and he had enough time to think about many things, but I was already late. I can be sure that Fang Shuyi and Lu Weixi worked together to exclude me from the story. What Xiao Heng heard and saw belonged to Luo Yuchen's imprint was completely obliterated.
To him, Luo Yuchen was still the same as half a year ago, the ruthless person who drove him to a dead end. He has self-cultivation, so he is only indifferent, and he is not angry. I almost caused him to ruin his life in vain.
But this made me even more at a loss. I have a way to deal with his anger, but I can't face his indifference, because if he blames me, it means that I still have something worthy of his expectations, and if he shows complete indifference, I can only be like a faded The photos are easily dusted and never see the light of day again.
"If you're okay, you can get out." Lu Weixi pushed my chest and pushed me out of the door. Xiao Heng didn't speak for me again, and I was just pushed out, and the white door was closed tightly.
I didn't have the courage to knock on the door, so I could only stand with my head down. He finally woke up. It's ridiculous how long I've been looking forward to this day. I thought that I would be very happy and happy when he woke up, but the reality is that I have been deprived of the right to look forward to it, and it is even more depressing and difficult.
The next day, I was absent from work from noon. I knew that even if I went to the hospital, they would not let me see him again, but my heart was too messed up that I couldn’t breathe normally without going to him and being in the same air as him.
Although I also know that this is self-willed and useless.
In the garden of the hospital, the sun at noon in May shines through the shade of the trees, making people have to squint their eyes. The warm breath wraps people in a daze. It is obviously very comfortable, but there is a little bit of astringency in it. I shook my head, it's been getting easier to think too sentimental these days.
Then I heard a voice calling my name, and it sounded like a hallucination, and the blood flow in the whole body slowed down along with the movement. I felt that my turning around could be directly recorded as the slow motion in the movie. lens.
"Hi." He stood idly, looking quite at ease with his hands in his pockets, a smile on his lips like the sun-baked air in May. If it wasn't for the hospital gown that I was wearing, it would almost have given me the illusion that I would go back in time and go back to a beautiful scene that never existed.
"You...you..." I stammered and didn't know what to say, Xiao Heng shrugged and said with a smile, "Me, I'm just walking here casually."
I don't know what to say. In fact, according to the normal situation, I should at least be able to apologize to him and explain something to him, but his smile as if nothing happened confuses me. He smiled at me, which made me panic and flattered. After yesterday's indifference, I thought he would never smile at me again in this life.
"Ah, if you still have something to do, go and do it first." He probably saw that I hadn't moved for a long time, waved his hand to signal that I could go, and then said as if thinking of something: "But if I meet again someday , I have something to tell you."
When he said the first half of the sentence, I almost rushed to say that I have nothing to do, I just came to see you, but the second half of the sentence made me want to make excuses immediately, so that at least I don’t have to hear what I don’t want to hear thing.
"What's that look on your face?" He smiled innocently and said again, "Don't worry, what I'm going to say is not a big deal."
It's not a big deal, what is a big deal to you, Xiao Heng? For a person who can commit suicide without saying a word or showing any signs, breaking up is of course trivial at best!
He sighed, as if he was dissatisfied with my slow decision to go or stay: "Are you standing there for something or nothing? If you have time to listen now, I'll let it go now."
My mood at this moment is like that of a murderer who is waiting to be sentenced. Even if the judge pretends to be relaxed, I already know the result of the trial and I will not feel any better about it.
"Hey, Luo Yuchen, what are you doing here?" He stretched out his hand to pull my arm, I dodged reflexively for some reason, and when I found out, his hand was still frozen in place, and a flash of surprise flashed across his expression. , and then the sunshine was no longer as bright as before, and his face became visibly gloomy.
I really regret it, I wish I could cut off my hand with a knife and give it to him. How could I still make such a mistake at this time, it was like thinking that he was not fast enough to dig my grave by himself, and I couldn't wait to dig my own grave.
If it was in the past, he would withdraw his hand sadly, but now he is looking straight at me, with a trace of disdain in his eyes that is quite opposite to my usual arrogant look, as if saying "Do you think I want to touch you?", at this moment I can't say that I didn't mean it, because he has already determined that I am as ignorant as before.
He glanced at me like that, turned around and was about to leave, I hurriedly grabbed him, he stopped and looked quietly at the place where I was pulling him, without irony or shaking off, but sighed inaudibly.
"That," he looked back at me, his face slightly pale and he pretended to be relaxed and said, "Luo Yuchen, I asked Fang Shuyi and Xiaolu last night, so they didn't tell me about you coming to see me, so they told me yesterday. I'm so sorry for being so rude."
I didn't expect this to be what he wanted to tell me, so I shook my head intuitively. We stood so close, his long and narrow eyes were covered with a layer of gold by the sun, making them extremely blurred, and the curvature of his lips became particularly attractive. Just leaning over can kiss the distance and height, and the atmosphere seems to be very gentle, but I dare not make any mistakes because I have a premonition that he still has something to do and can't grasp the direction he is about to choose.
"It's okay...as long as you're okay..." At this time, what I said was just a meaningless echo, which didn't have any effect. I couldn't help worrying secretly. When he fell asleep, I swore that I would talk to him when he woke up. Where have all the words gone.
"There is something I still need to explain to you," I listened, and prepared to gag him in any possible way before he said goodbye, but he stretched out his wrist to expose the scar to the sun expressionlessly Look at it and say: "I did something stupid, not because of you."
I froze for a moment, and then he said easily and frankly: "You also know that I am sick. At that time, the doctor said that I would not live long. I was timid, and I was afraid of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. There's no point in procrastinating, that's all. Although being dumped by you in the end is a big blow to me, I won't get overwhelmed by that. The two things are just coincidences in timing. So── What I did basically has nothing to do with you, so you don't have to feel guilty."
After he finished speaking, I was still holding his hand. His skin was slightly cooler than the temperature of my palm. I felt that my throat was very dry and it hurt even after swallowing. I could only hold him harder to make sure he Can't run away, can't say anything.
I really want to refute his arguments, whether it's his flawed acquittal or his so-called reassurance that I don't have to feel guilty. I want to tell him that you don't want to be so kind and want to let me go easily, you don't want to be so cruel and want to be done with a few words, I want to tell him that I didn't stay with him because of guilt, I want to tell him that I have been with him since the beginning It wasn't because the money spent ten years by his side.
But I'm not qualified to say that, I'm afraid I will become a laughing stock if I say it, ten years is so long, but now I figured it out, why did I go for so long before, people have to get out of hand to know how to cherish and redeem it?
I was afraid that after I confessed, he would ask me back: "You have figured it out now, what if I die?"
I have no way to answer this assumption. Xiao Heng used to be very good at reasoning with logic no matter what he did. He would say "It's useless for you to regret it if I die, so it's meaningless for you to regret it when I'm alive." way to defend the conclusions.