“Marriage fraud? Who would even come up with something so heinous?”
“You did, you idiot!” Orphen snapped back.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Volkan calmly explained, “Marriage fraud is a horrible crime. Don’t compare the likes of that to my brilliant scheme.”
Orphen was just about at his wits’ end. “Alright then, genius, why don’t you try explaining the difference to me?” Dortin seemed curious to know the answer to this, too, as he approached his older brother dubiously. Volkan thumped his chest and explained.
“Very well, let me explain the brilliance of my plan to you peons. It’s quite simple, really. Basically, I act as your go-between for this meeting with the rich young lady and get you married into their family. You’ve seen how much money they’ve got to throw around, haven’t you? My debt is a trifling sum in comparison, and you’d be getting all of this great fortune all thanks to me—EEE!” but before Volkan had even finished speaking, Orphen kicked over the chair, dwarfs and all.
“That’s what you call fraud!” The door to the parlor opened right as Orphen began rolling up his sleeves.
Orphen snapped to attention; Volkan panicked and tried to climb to his feet; and Dortin’s face was contorted with a voiceless scream. All three of their gazes locked onto the figure of a young girl around 17 or 18 years old, who now stood at the door.
“Wait—” Orphen tried to say something, but the girl cut him off abruptly. “Whoops, sorry.” The next moment, the door clicked shut and the girl was out of sight.
Then a knock came from the door.
“C-Come in... Actually wait, just a minute!” Orphen tripped over his words before trying to come up with a course of action. He used his foot to flip the chair — along with the two dwarfs still collapsed on top of it — back into position, after which he sat down next to them before saying “Come in” once more. The door opened to reveal the very same girl, who gave a polite little bow this time while giggling.
“I’m sorry, I forgot to knock. Please don’t think I’m ill-mannered, it wasn’t on purpose.” The young girl looked like a younger, more energetic Mariabelle. Orphen pieced together that this must be Mariabelle’s younger sister. She wore a white dress, but it was much more casual than formal wear. It suited her really well. Her hair was slightly shorter than Mariabelle’s, and she was slightly more petite in stature, but her voice definitely seemed like it had to be much louder than Mariabelle’s must be.
For the time being, it seemed like she hadn’t overheard their conversation, at least. Thinking to make a good impression, Orphen returned her bow and greeting.
“Speaking of manners, care to introduce yourself?”
“Oh, sorry about that. I’m Claiomh,” she replied, sticking out her hand as if she were introducing herself to a young child. Orphen shook her hand, to which her expression stiffened slightly.
“You have rather rough hands for a businessman.”
“Ah, yes, well, you see, that’s because the company president himself also helps out with the labor in the fields—” said Volkan attempting to wedge himself between Orphen and the girl. Orphen knew better than to let this play out, however, and gave Volkan a swift boot while he was still in her blind spot.
Then he made up an excuse of his own.
“In Urbanrama, both men and women must serve for a short time in the military. Even a mere two years of basic army training is enough to make anyone’s hands slightly rough to the touch.”
“Hmm. Come to think of it, I at least don’t think I’ve never heard of that law before,” Claiomh replied while butchering her grammar.
Okay, good. Doesn’t seem like she heard us, Orphen thought to himself as she released his hand. But his respite was brief, as Claiomh spoke up again.
“So, you’re conmen, right?” Orphen almost choked on the spot, but forced himself to look confused instead as though he had misheard the girl. Claiomh, however, showed no signs of retreat, smiling brightly as she continued with “You’re planning a marriage con with my sister, right? How much are you trying to con her out of? Hey, how much?”
“Err, whyever would you say such a thing...?” Orphen’s expression stiffened. He stole a glance at Volkan and Dortin, only to find them clinging to each other shaking in their boots with terror. Their reaction was perfectly natural. Stories involving conmen who got caught red-handed trying to steal from the rich pretty much never had happy endings.
Claiomh didn’t seem to understand Orphen’s question at first. She stood looking confused for a time before it apparently hit her, to which she slapped her fist down into her palm.
“Well, y’see, I overheard your conversation. I was standing just outside the door.”
“Err, how long have you been standing out there?”
“Hmm... Pretty much since you got here, I guess.” Are you kidding me? Orphen prayed in his mind — to whatever God or devil would hear his prayers — while at the same time trying to formulate a plan based around taking this girl hostage in order to safely skip town without getting busted. He scrapped the idea instantly. While this was just his inspiration talking, Orphen was pretty sure this girl would respond to being held at knifepoint with a suggestion like “Wouldn’t it be a safer plan to just kill me now so I don’t get the chance to rat you out?”
While Orphen was busy trying to figure out a plan of escape, Claiomh grabbed his hand once more to try and catch his attention.
She asked once more, “Hey, so how much are you planning to con her out of? You’re gonna trick her and ruin her life, right?”
“No, that’s not what I...” Orphen racked his brain desperately for some kind of excuse that might be able to break him out of this predicament, “You’re mistaken, it’s not like that...” Alas, fortune (Volkan) was not to take Orphen’s side.
“It wasn’t me! I swear I had nothing to do with this!” Orphen ignored him and continued, “You see I — or rather, we of the Sorcerers’ Alliance have taken it upon ourselves to examine the general public’s cautiousness when it comes to such scams...”
“I’m innocent! This scumbag forced me into it, I’m as much a victim as you are! This guy threatened to torture me to death by running me over with a really big cart a bunch of times!”
“I-I never said any such thing! Why would you say that, bro?”
“In this world rampant with fraudsters, conmen, and criminals, we felt the need to devise a foolproof system for catching these people in the act. In order to accomplish this, we first need to gather information on the subject by practical application...”
“I didn’t ask for this! I told them to stop, I told them it was wrong, you’ve gotta believe me!”
“That’s a big fat lie! You’re the one who set this up in the first place, bro! You’re even the one who dragged us here without telling us beforehand!”
“Please understand that this is a necessary evil! We’re on your side, but to make this system work we need the cooperation of the general populace...”
“That’s right! It was all this heinous Black Sorcerer’s evil plot! He brainwashed me into doing it! Night after night he’d put me through the torturous experience of tickling me to near-death with feathers, always saying he’d finish the job if I didn’t side with him!”
“My big brother dragged us here without explaining anything!”
“SHUT. THE. HELL. UUUP!” Orphen yelled at the top of his lungs, firing a beam of light into the ground directly beneath the dwarf brothers’ feet. It burst into a thundrous explosion that seemed to shake the mansion’s very foundations. The blast left a huge smoldering hole in the luxurious carpet, and threw the brothers into a corner of the room leaving behind only a cloud of dust where they had been standing just a second ago. Still, dwarfs were known for their absurd durability, so it was unlikely that either of them were even really injured by the attack.
“You absolute morons! I managed to come up with such a great excuse to save our asses, but you couldn’t shut up for just five seconds! I was this close to getting us all out of hot water, but you just had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?!” Dortin seemed to doubt that Orphen’s excuse was good enough to have saved them, but he didn’t dare put it into words, instead just sullenly pulling himself back on his feet. Volkan, on the other hand, seemed to have passed out.
Orphen retained his fierce expression as he turned to walk towards the bozo brothers, but was stopped in his tracks by a curious sound from behind him. He turned around to find... Claiomh was laughing.
A world apart from her mother and sister, Claiomh was laughing with all the grace of a downtown commoner girl at a stand-up night in a local bar.
“Alright, I’ve got it now. You’re comedians, right? I’ve heard of this before — comedians who pull public stunts like this, and then someone jumps out with a sign that says ‘You got served!’ or something, right?” If such a light-hearted business like that is actually profitable, I’d love to be a part of it, Orphen thought to himself, but before he could form a response, Volkan had seemingly teleported past him and grabbed Claiomh’s hand.
“That is exactly what this is, ma’am. Why, you’ve caught us in the act. How shameful indeed.”
“Just so you know, the sentence for fraud is 15 years in prison,” Claiomh added cheerfully, causing the now-conscious Volkan to revert to his panicked cries of “I swear, they just forced me into iiit!”
“...Sorry, but something’s bugging me, Miss.” Orphen strode casually towards Claiomh, kicking Volkan in the armpit to knock him out of the way like an empty can.