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Hachiman Hikigaya. Age at death: seventeen years.
Cause of death: shot through the heart.
“B-Bro!” With that pained cry, Komachi shook my body back and forth.
Thanks to that, I somehow managed to regain consciousness. “…Ah!”
That was close. I just about died there from seeing something too absolutely precious. My grandma and grandpa who’re still alive were on this side of the Sanzu River, waving their hands good-bye… They were totally waving me off, huh…?
That really was close. If I die every time over things like this, I’m not gonna have enough lives no matter how many I get, am I? Is my life Spelunker or what?
Breathing a sigh of relief, I wiped the sweat off my forehead and pretended like nothing had happened. “…So what were we talking about again?”
Seeing my bewilderment, Isshiki told me with a bit of exasperation, “About introducing yourself at a new school.”
I pulled myself together and folded my arms with a hmm. “Ahhh, that. With self-introductions of that type, you can’t babble on too long. Getting it done quickly is ideal,” I expressed eloquently.
Komachi nodded with deep interest. “Oh-ho, I see. So why is that?”
“The reason is extremely simple… Chatty but socially inept is the most irritating type,” I said.
Socially inept doesn’t refer only to those who can’t talk. It can refer to everyone in general with difficulties in communication. Some of the socially inept will talk quite a lot, blabbing on and on when nobody is listening. There are also different subtypes: kids who talk too much simply because they can’t read the atmosphere, pretentious gorillas who like to assert dominance and like hearing the sound of their own voice, and also panickers who wind up babbling when they get nervous.
Compared with those chatty socially inept types, a radio that’s breaking down and you can’t hear anything from is somewhat preferable… Wait, if you can’t hear anything from it, that’s not breaking down. Isn’t that just broken?
Yukinoshita gave an mm-hmm as if my statement very much made sense to her, and then a soft smile rose to her lips. “That’s a rather good self-introduction. I think it would be even better if you said your name first next time.”
“Thanks for the advice. Does anyone have a mirror?” Could someone please lend that girl one?
I looked over to see Yuigahama with an awkward expression as she made an attempt to patch things up. “Um, it’s like, you know! You’re pretty much kinda like that, too, Yukinon!” she said.
Yukinoshita sulked. Making cute faces won’t get you anywhere. Make sure to reflect on your words, okay? I need to do that, too.
Anyway, if you’re going to talk, then you have to regulate yourself objectively.
If you don’t, then later, once your head has cooled and you look back on it, you’ll want to die! Ah, now I’m remembering, and it’s making me want to die.
My gaze pulled down on its own to land on Komachi’s face. She was looking like she found this a little difficult to comprehend. “Mm, I see… So what you choose to talk about is important. But then…Komachi can’t really be sure without seeing some specific examples. Glance.” And yes, she said glance out loud as she looked at me.
I decided to pretend I hadn’t heard that, whistling to myself in a deliberate sort of way, but Komachi just kept muttering, “Glance, glance, glance…” And then she tugged on my sleeve, too. “You give it a shot, too, Bro. Look, you can’t make just them do it.”
“You’re the one who made them…,” I said.
But Komachi just smiled like tee-hee-blep and clonked herself on the forehead. Maybe she felt guilty for having gotten carried away and for embarrassing Yuigahama and Yukinoshita.
Then shouldn’t you do it yourself, huhhhhh? This big bro will do just about anything my little sister asks. Aw geez! My Komachi-chan is so good at getting what she wants!
Even as I was thinking this, it was getting harder and harder to say no.
Yukinoshita folded her arms as if to say, Show me what you’ve got. Meanwhile, Yuigahama clapped, Komachi looked at me with sparkling eyes, and Tobe was saying “Dude, dude.”
As if coordinating the whole group, Isshiki cleared her throat and gestured to me. “Well then, introduction, please.”
“Uhhh, okay.”
Yuigahama and Yukinoshita had gone through such great hardships; I had to do it, too. But wasn’t Miss Gahama actually pretty into it? Eh, whatever.
I would soon be in my third year of high school. If I included my elementary school years, there had been about a total of ten opportunities for me to introduce myself for a new school year. Basing this on experience, I can say 80 percent of self-introduction failures are caused by overeagerness.
It’s important not to try (and fail) to be funny, but not be too apathetic, either—to talk about yourself plainly, as you are.
And so after going through my metaphysical entrance ceremony and facing my metaphysical classmates for the first time, I made my sensible self-introduction.
“My name is Hachiman Hikigaya.”
“That’s kinda like an introduction a main character would give…” Isshiki gave me a skeptical look.
“The sort of normal high school boy you’d see anywhere.”
“A protagonist…” Yukinoshita’s brows drew together. “Completely ordinary, living a boring but peaceful life every day.”
“That’s a main character…” My fake self-intro made Yuigahama smile wryly.
“…But then one day I suddenly meet the mysterious fairy Loneron, and suddenly on the first day of school, I become a loner! What’s gonna happen to me now?!” I cried.
“Wait, is this PreCure?!” Yuigahama cried, jerking away in part surprise, part exasperation, and part distress, with double the feeling.
Uh, that’s just how self-intros are. That’s what they always do in the scene before the OP, right?
But I didn’t have the time to explain that before Isshiki waved her hands in front of her chest as if to say, No way, no way. “Come on, you didn’t need the bit about the mysterious fairy there.”
Yukinoshita also added with a smile, “The question isn’t what’s going to happen—it’s what’s already happened to his head.”
“Harsh!”
As Miss Gahama said, their grading was pretty severe. Even Tobe was taken aback like, “Dude…”
Meanwhile, the one who’d dumped this nonsense on me seemed quite satisfied with herself. “Mm-hmm. Your intro was frankly pretty eh, but it’s useful for reference! Komachi has the feeling school will work out somehow!” she said as she pumped her fist in a triumphant pose.
Oh-hooo, verily sooo? I’m terribly concerned as to what part of that self-intro will be useful to her, and how.
Komachi, however, ignored my unease and contemplated her new beginning. “Finally, Komachi will be going to school with Yukino and Yui. Komachi’s really looking forward to it!”
“Me too!”
“Yes, we’ll be waiting for you at school.”
Watching the three of them together chattering like that, Isshiki made a noise like mggg as she watched. “Ngk… My position as youngest…” Isshiki gritted her teeth. Apparently, she had some very particular concerns.
Tobe attempted to console her. “C’mon, dude, it’s a good thing to have someone younger around. It’s like…having people rely on me gets me motivated? I just always end up indulging ’em. Like treating them to food and stuff.” He was fully playing the reliable elder as he proudly mussed the hair at the back of his head.
But when you’re as approachable as Tobe is, I’m sure that does help the younger kids in a lot of ways. He might actually be a really dependable senior.
So I was thinking, but it seems not so! Isshiki cut him right down with a chilly gaze and a low tone. “Agh, well, that’s just people sending you on errands ’cause they have no respect for you.”
Tobe instantly froze. “Huh? For real?”
“For real.”
“…Dude…” Tobe didn’t say anything to that sharp and cutting truth from Isshiki. All he could do was muss at his collar.