“I mean, I’d like to set off, but where are we supposed to go first?” I wondered out loud. We hadn’t been given any sort of immediate objective.
“T’would behoove us to start by gathering information,” said Beelzebub. “Let us ask one of the townsfolk over there for advice.”
That seemed like a solid enough plan to me. In games like these, progression always seemed to involve talking to NPCs for info about the plot. Once we knew enough about what was going on, we’d be better equipped to do something about it.
Beelzebub approached a townsperson who was walking nearby and struck up a conversation.
“Pardon me, good citizen. Might you share with us any information you have pertaining to these lands?”
“This is the town of Stahrt!”
“I see, I see. And what, pray tell, can we find in the town of Stahrt?”
“This is the town of Stahrt!”
Suddenly, I had a bad feeling about where this was going.
“Yes, I’m aware. You already told me its name.”
“This is the town of Stahrt!”
“Are you mocking me, you miserable wretch?! Give me an actual answer! Or perhaps you’re looking for a fight? Know that you trifle with a cleric! I have the might of the gods on my side!”
Beelzebub had only met one person so far and already looked ready to snap, so I decided it was my moment to intervene.
“Wait, wait!” I shouted. “I’m pretty sure this is just one of those things where they can’t say anything else!”
“Huh?” grunted Beelzebub. “You think someone who can only say the name of their town is ‘one of those things’? Hell’s bells, I’ve seen bottom-shelf artifacts with more functions than that! Has the elder god or the demon king already afflicted this town with a curse?”
“No, no, not one of those things!”
✦ ✦ ✦
This might be really hard to explain to someone who’s never played an RPG, actually…
✦ ✦ ✦
In the end, I just glossed over the matter and explained the people in these games were designed to only say the same dialogue on loop.
“Hmm… ’Tis a strange world we’ve found ourselves in. Well then—if the townsfolk will offer no advice, let us forge an alliance with a country with a mighty military and lead them into battle against the demon king’s forces. Or perhaps we could send an assassin to dispatch the enemy’s top-ranking generals, seeding chaos and confusion among their men?”
“That’s not how this works, either. Generally speaking, games like these have a small party—that’s us—go out and do all the work.”
Come on, Beelzebub! You’re basically an RPG mini-boss yourself, so you’d think you’d understand how this works. Plus, the enemy’s generals are all going to be as tough as you are, so sending in an assassin wouldn’t work in the first place.
“I am well aware that when attacking a foe as mighty as a demonic minister, there is a clear possibility they will turn the tables and slay our agent. However, our foes are an elder god and a demon king. To them, we are but a trifling threat from a remote region. They would not send their best to deal with a foe such as us, and so a well-placed assassin could likely dismantle the upper ranks of the force they do deign to commit to this region. Don’t you think?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t think that.”
Ugh, this is exhausting… Game logic and Beelzebub’s common sense are just too far separated. Though then again, it’s not like I spent all my time playing games, either. The fact that I have their logic so internalized is proof of just how much of an influence they can have on you, I guess.
“Well, then have it your way,” said Beelzebub. “Our only option is to grow mighty ourselves. We may be of poor standing now, but in time, we’ll have climbed the social ladder far enough to lead a force numbering in the tens of thousands. Our ascent begins here and now!”
“You’re still not quite on the right track there, but you’re right that we have to get more powerful, so close enough for now!”
✦ ✦ ✦
We took some time to ask around and gather information. The more people I talked to, however, the more I started to realize Beelzebub had a point.
“So it turns out living in a world where people can only repeat set phrases is actually really creepy when you’re experiencing it up close and personal…”
It didn’t help that a lot of people’s dialogue consisted of phrases like “We’re all doomed if the demon king attacks!” It was starting to feel like the townspeople were being controlled by an evil force of a far scarier, far higher order than an elder god or a demon king.
“Lady Azusa… I’m sorry, but dealing with horror is beyond me. I’ve already reached my limits,” moaned Laika. It hadn’t taken her long at all to tap out.
It seemed to people who weren’t familiar with RPG conventions, living through an RPG was its own brand of horror game. There was, I had to admit, a certain uncanny creepiness about it all. It made you wonder if we were the only genuine, flesh-and-blood humans present in this world.
“You’ll get used to it, Laika! It’s just one of this world’s rules, that’s all!” I said. I had a feeling if I didn’t make like a real hero and encourage my party, this was going to end very poorly…
In any case, one info-gathering session later, we’d figured out our next objective.
✦ ✦ ✦
The four of us gathered around a table at the town’s inn to conduct a strategy meeting.
“So we know if we can find the item a certain townsperson wants, they’ll trade us a small boat for it. The item that person wants is somewhere in a cave, so for the time being, exploring the cave and finding that item’s our objective. Having a boat will expand our range of movement dramatically, so it’s worth the effort.”
“What sort of person so desperately wishes for an item hidden in a cave? Their tastes must be peculiar indeed,” Beelzebub said with a rather skeptical look on her face.
“I get how you feel, but it’s one of those things. You’ll just have to accept it.” But yeah, honestly, no real person would ever be that desperate for some random cave item.
“Moreover, is this town not under the looming threat of monster invasion?” Beelzebub continued. “The way I see it, t’would be in their best interests to provide us with all the resources they can, with all expedience! Forget small ships—this nation’s rulers should be presenting us with a galleon! If we try crossing the sea in some rotted-out dinghy and sink halfway there, our quest will be over in an instant!”
“Look, I really need you to stop trying to logic your way through this! Also, our boat’s not going to sink halfway across the ocean! It’ll be fine!”
“No, I think not! I’ve grown tired of this nonsense, and I shan’t miss this chance to air all my grievances! What of the townsperson who asked us to gather precious herbs, or the one who wanted a malformed chicken? What possible relevance could they have to the so-called ‘events’ we’re meant to be seeking? The scale of the tasks asked of us is entirely out of proportion with the scale of our quest! We seek to save the world from destruction, so why should we have to listen to the petty desires of every random plebeian we cross paths with?! Does a wise monarch sequentially ask each citizen how they think the country should be run? No, because nothing would ever get done, and this is no different!”
“It’s just how it works! Let it go!”
I had no idea how trends in modern RPGs had developed since I died, but in the ones I’d played back when I was a kid, you always progressed the plot by solving problems that seemed totally unrelated to the ultimate goal of world peace. Looking back on it, though, I had to admit Beelzebub really did have a point about that not making sense… The NPCs who wouldn’t give us important items unless we found something for them were one thing, but you’d think the kingdom we were trying to save would at least pony up some funds for us to buy items with.
Just as I was thinking bringing Beelzebub on board with the game was going to be a nightmare on its own, Pecora shot to her feet.