Eleonora and I moved to the lumberyard carpeted with plenty of fallen leaves and located far enough from the cottage to encourage more conversation. I raked the leaves a few times with my new rake to get a handle on the tool. Of course, I didn’t actually need help with such a simple task.
“What do you require my help with, Master Takebayashi?”
“With generating negative emotions for the spell. In short, I was hoping you could listen to me vent. I’m sorry to bring up last night again, but I felt like I could open up to you more easily than I could with others. Not that I don’t trust or think that anyone else in that cottage wouldn’t let me vent to them, but...”
“I believe I understand your meaning. I sensed that you have dealt with troublesome characters in your life, though not quite in the same manner that I have. Whether you trust someone or not, it takes some practice before venting comes naturally.”
“Yes, that’s it. Venting feels so effortless with someone you can share a drink and commiserate with. Without that, I feel pressured to keep things bottled up instead of bothering them with my complaining.” I’d make no promises that a complaint didn’t slip out of me once in a while, but the thought of intentionally venting to someone made me painfully aware of the potential consequences. I would worry about information I share getting out to more people than intended or giving off a negative impression of myself. Some people might even get preachy and tell me to stop complaining and to do something about it, or else give unwanted advice, which was the opposite of what I wanted from a vent session. When it came to the friends I’d made in this world, I was sure none of that would be a problem...but my faith in them made me feel like cheating—like I was owing them, somehow. Considering all of the above, it honestly felt easier to keep my grievances to myself.
“I feel the same. There were opportunities for me to vent both when I was a student and during my time in the militia. Each time, however, I hesitated to share how I really felt, and missed the window of opportunity in the conversation,” Eleonora said.
“I’ve done that too. Missing the opportunity is one thing, but the worst is when you share and the conversation stops in its tracks.”
“In my case, it culminated with someone at the table later calling me a ‘stuck-up square’ behind my back... I have always wondered why people cannot make those kinds of disparaging remarks more inconspicuously. Nothing can come from analyzing their behavior, but I always thought it curious how people could make those comments with their full chest.”
“Ah. Like when it sounds like they’re trying to keep their voice down, but it’s so obvious that they’re talking about you. Not to mention the sideways glances and snickering.” I’d had people talk “behind my back,” except they were in plain sight, giving me looks, and barely keeping their voices down. I would have thought they were doing it on purpose, except that they’d quickly look away whenever we made eye contact. “Maybe it’s herd mentality. If their friends are doing it, there can’t be anything wrong with it. They think everyone is doing the same. But then if you make direct eye contact, it becomes one-on-one. It becomes about you versus that person instead of the group. Once they realize that, it makes sense for them to hastily look away,” I assessed.
“That all makes sense. I still struggle to reconcile how girls from noble houses could not have at least found somewhere better to speak ill of me. There were plenty of places on campus where they could go, chief among them a café built for secret conversations.”
“You’re absolutely right— Wait, a café built for secret conversations? That’s a real facility of the academy in the capital?” I asked.
“More precisely, the academy’s café has private rooms that students can reserve for closed-door meetings. The academy was not only a place to pursue education but also a place for students to practice their part in high society. Politics among students was rampant and encouraged, especially from their fourth year onward, when students are permitted to help organize academy events. For noble-born students, their first three years are considered a training period to prepare them for year four and beyond.”
“Attending this academy sounds more and more tiring...if you don’t mind me saying.”
“It was tiring. As is the case in high society, the academy was filled with people who constantly tried to outsmart each other, even in casual conversation. My father is a baron—a low-ranking noble—and there were plenty of students from low-ranking noble houses at the academy, many of them pining for the favor of students from higher houses. It was common for students to sabotage each other to achieve that goal. Because of that, coupled with the expensive tuition and difficult classes, many students from houses without titles end up dropping out by year three. Any commoner who makes it past year three in the academy either has an exceedingly wealthy family or has exceptional skills that earned them a scholarship.”
I’d once been invited to attend the academy...and I couldn’t be more glad that I’d turned them down. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m sorry to circle back to this, but that sounded suspiciously like venting to me,” I teased.
“It was. Exchanging our grievances was considerably easier than sharing them one-sidedly.”
“Yes! That’s exactly what I wanted to say!” Good thing Eleonora had verbalized it. Personally, I felt better when whoever I was venting to returned a similar dose of venting back to me. Of course, I’d never pressure anyone into doing so if they didn’t want to. Still, I imagined Eleonora would feel awkward about refusing a request from her boss, no matter what I said. If only I was better at these kinds of things...
“As I mentioned yesterday, I have given myself closure about what has happened in the past. Eloquence has never been my strong suit either. If I can still be of service, I would be happy to,” she said.
“Thank you. I very much appreciate your help.” Seeing that Eleonora had agreed to help without any shade of reluctance, I took a seat on a nearby log. “Then let’s continue... I suggested this, so I’ll share something that I usually hesitate to do. It’s kind of related to how I find venting difficult. Do you feel, or since moving to Gimul, have you felt out of place somehow? I have...at least, a little.” I had no complaints with my work or pay or the people working with me, of course. I could unequivocally say that I was happy with my life.
Still, there were some times I just felt unsettled. I’d be in an environment where I should be at total ease, yet I wouldn’t be. That’s all it was—a strange and slight discomfort.
Eleonora stared at the sky thoughtfully and said, “I must agree with you once again. Although I am satisfied with my life, there are also times when I feel unsettled. I would never complain about the kindness I receive, and I would sooner suffocate than tell them I was made uncomfortable by their thoughtfulness...”
“If it’s not rude to say, I’m relieved. I couldn’t say that either.”
“Is this the reason you plan to return regularly to your family home in the Sea of Trees?” Eleonora asked.
“In part, yes. There’s Korumi too, so that isn’t the only reason.” As dangerous as the Sea of Trees had been, my journey had been freeing. Deep in the treacherous forest, there was no one around to be polite to or worry about offending. I had a firm grip on the reins of my life—and death. The only person I was accountable to was myself. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the time I spent free of social obligations. “With the risk of repeating myself, I am very happy with where I am... I just can’t seem to get used to it. It’s a first-world problem if I’ve ever heard of one.”
“Be that as it may, our conundrum may be a product of our circumstances. In my case, I was wed against my will and isolated in my own house, only to be nearly executed for a crime committed by my ex-husband and his family. Now, I am suddenly a free woman and I am not always sure what to do with myself or the time. I live a life where I am closer to people than I have ever been before, after I had gotten used to getting by with minimal social interactions... Something like a friendly glance was completely foreign to me.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. Seriously. The best we can do, I suspect, is get used to it gradually.”
“I keep wondering if I could simply fix how I feel...” Eleonora trailed off, her expression troubled.