“You look pretty out of breath. Are you okay?” came a voice from above. I looked up to see Cezar gazing down at me with an ever so slightly exasperated expression.
“I’ll be fine, as long as I take a short break. Cezar, have you finished talking to Liam?” I replied. A smile broke across Cezar’s face.
“Yeah, he had a lot of wonderful stories to tell me.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Recalling how Cezar had been fighting back tears of joy only a short while ago, I really did feel glad, from the bottom of my heart.
“Waah, waah!”
Suddenly, we heard a baby crying.
“Eh? A baby?” I know there are a lot of very young children at this orphanage, but I didn’t think there were any babies.
I looked in the direction of the crying to see an elderly woman who worked for the orphanage holding—and trying to comfort—a tiny infant. When my eyes met those of the orphanage worker, she approached us, still holding the baby.
“Hello. Thank you for playing with the children,” she said, briefly bowing her head.
I asked her about the baby she was carrying. It turned out this wasn’t an orphan she was caring for.
“This child’s mother hasn’t been doing so well since the birth,” she explained. “Since she’s in no condition to care for the baby, we’re filling in for the time being.”
When I asked for even more details, she told me that the orphanage often took care of children temporarily in this way. Whenever the family was ready to welcome the child back, they would be sent home again. Upon hearing this, I recalled that, although there were many children I saw on each one of my visits, there were always some new faces, and some children who no longer seemed to be around.
So that’s why.
“What a delicate creature,” said Cezar, sounding genuinely moved. I felt the same way.
Although...
“This baby really is tiny,” I said, observing the baby in the caretaker’s arms. Looking more closely, I really felt like I was seeing a doll.
“Tee hee, this little one is still only two months old,” the lady told us with a smile.
Though the baby had been crying and fussing only moments earlier, he finally seemed to have calmed down, and was now staring at me with two big, round eyes.
“How cute,” I blurted out suddenly.
The woman giggled again.
“Would you like to hold him?”
I shook my head and waved my hand furiously.
“No, no, I’ve never even touched such a small child before, so it would be dangerous!”
“Oh, but you know, you might be blessed with a baby of your own before long. I’ll teach you how to hold him, so go ahead and try. If someone as lively as you holds him, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be healthy,” the worker said persuasively.
I couldn’t deny that I would like to try holding such a cute baby, so I agreed, with the condition that it would only be for a moment.
“Yes, be sure to support the head firmly. That’s right, well done. You’ve already got the hang of it.”
I timidly held the baby in accordance with the worker’s instructions. He was so unbelievably soft and warm, and smelled so nice. Though I struggled to put it into words, there was something irresistible about the feeling of holding him.
“He’s so small. So cute. He’s warm, and smells so lovely. Hey, Cezar, won’t you take a look at him?” I said to Cezar, who had been standing next to me, but when I turned toward him, he had drawn away from me for some reason.
While the little children I’d been playing with crowded around me, craning their necks to look at the baby and remarking on how cute and tiny he was, Cezar alone remained unnaturally withdrawn. However, when I called out to him...
“Sure,” he replied.
Still, judging from the look on his face, he must be uncomfortable. I wonder why.
“Oh, he’s fallen asleep,” I heard the orphanage worker say.
I looked down to see the baby breathing softly in his sleep.
“You did such a good job of holding him, you must have helped him to calm down.”
“No, no, I don’t think that’s the case.” I felt that the opposite was true. His warmth and wonderful smell had made me feel peaceful and happy.
“If we keep him here, the noise the other children are making might wake him up, so I’ll take him somewhere a little more quiet,” the woman said, leaning down to look at the baby, before looking around at the other kids with a smile.
I carefully handed the baby back to her. Somehow, the loss of that soft and warm feeling at my chest left me feeling a little bereft.
“See you later,” the orphanage worker said, bowing briefly before taking the baby away with her.
I walked over to Cezar, who was still standing a little distance away, and spoke to him.
“Do you not like babies, Cezar?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“No, that’s not it. Although...” Cezar suddenly fell silent, then looked at the little ones running around and playing tag. He seemed almost dazzled by their joy. “When I saw that baby, I felt like I could only harm something so small, pure, and beautiful by getting close to it. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel that way.”
I was shocked by this admission from Cezar, but I felt like there was more to his story. I stayed silent and waited for him to continue. After a prolonged silence, Cezar opened his mouth again.
“From the age of fifteen, as a mercenary, I took many lives. So my hands are still filthy, stained with their blood. And not just my hands, my entire self. That’s why I mustn’t get too close to anything beautiful. I’ll only stain it.”
His attitude had changed so dramatically, it was almost as if I were listening to a different person as Cezar suddenly blurted out these words, still staring at his own hands. His expression was one of agony. He had previously spoken about how free and easy the life of a mercenary was, but having just heard this statement, I realized that it had actually been a rough experience for him.
Now that I really thought about it, of course it was difficult for him to suddenly leave the inner palace and become a mercenary. He must have had some reason for doing it. From the short while I’d spent with Cezar, I had no doubt that he was a kind person. I couldn’t imagine that he was the kind of person who would harm others willingly. The life of a mercenary must have been rough for someone as kind as him. Feared and shunned all his life because of his golden eyes, he went on to fight, even though it pained him to do so. Behind his warm smile, he might be hiding a deeply wounded heart.