“Hey, you’re all together.”
I was with Mizusawa and Kikuchi-san in the back of the classroom before homeroom started, talking about Hinami, when Mimimi arrived.
“’Sup,” she said.
“Morning.”
“G-good morning!”
As we greeted her back, Mimimi dived in with her usual light footwork. “What were you talking about?” she asked innocently.
“Ahh…”
When I gave her an awkward nonanswer, Mimimi immediately figured it out. “Ah, of course! …It’s about Aoi, huh,” she said without missing a beat. She kept her tone light so that the mood wouldn’t get too heavy.
Mizusawa nodded. “Fumiya and Fuka-chan haven’t been able to get in touch.”
“…So you couldn’t reach her?” Mimimi followed up with a wry smile. “I haven’t been able to, either.”
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Though I’d anticipated that was the case, the confirmation from Mimimi made me feel a little low again.
“I never imagined it’d be this sudden.” Mizusawa furrowed his brow.
“…Oh?” Mimimi tilted her head with a blank look.
“Hmm? I mean, she’s always been perfect and gotten first place in everything. Even if something doesn’t go exactly the way she planned, she’s easily in the green overall.”
Mimimi gave Mizusawa a look in return. “Hmm, I feel like it’s the opposite,” she said quietly.
“…How so?”
“Most likely, this is because she’s always been at the top.”
All eyes went to Mimimi.
“Your mental state isn’t a math problem; it doesn’t work like addition and subtraction. It’s a seesaw.”
“A seesaw?” Kikuchi-san stared at Mimimi.
“Yeah. It’s like…when something’s wrong, it’s generally when you’re alone, right?”
“Ah, well… I understand that,” Kikuchi-san said, as if it reminded her of something. She seemed to be speaking from the heart—I suppose she must have experienced this seesaw herself. Or wait, could it be that time I really worried her? If that’s the case, then I really am sorry about that.
But it’s true—even I could understand that you can’t imagine someone feeling so down when they’re with a group.
“I guess you’d put it like…your mental seesaw becomes really off-balance? If you’re extra happy when you’re with a crowd, it’s a big drop when you’re alone.”
Then Mimimi put both hands on my shoulders. “Ba-thunk!” she said, putting all her weight on me.
“Whoa!” I was totally not expecting it, so I almost fell over.
“…And it swings really hard up and down, just like that.”
“Hey, don’t do it on me,” I said, glancing over at Kikuchi-san. How would what just happened look to her…? But I was relieved to see that she was giggling.
“—Whoops, sorry! So anyway!” Mimimi must have noticed my gaze, as she hastily drew her hands away from my shoulders. Yeah, that would have been a bad idea if Kikuchi-san had seemed sad. There are way too many minievents like this in life that get tricky in the details.
“And then when you go from being sad to being happy again, it goes thunk the other way, and you get punted upward into a good mood. When you keep going thunk, thunk, up and down, over and over…you start getting flung around from the top to the bottom over the littlest things.”
“Oh yeah. The proverbial emotional roller coaster, right?” said Mizusawa.
“Uh-huh! That’s the perfect way to put it.”
“This feels less like you’ve experienced it and more like you’ve caused that for someone else before, Mizusawa…”
Mizusawa grinned wordlessly. What’s that smile supposed to mean, hmm?
“And after a while, you start, like, bracing yourself for the next thunk even before it happens.”
“Yes…that’s right…! That’s how it is…!” said Kikuchi-san.
“You understand?!”
Kikuchi-san nodded quite vigorously, and the guilt was eating me alive now. Sorry, I’m sorry…
“I don’t totally lack confidence in myself… I think I’m actually pretty cute, and my figure’s not so bad, and I’m good athletically and academically, and I’m also pretty good at talking to people…huh?” Mimimi exaggeratedly counted down on her fingers, and then she widened her eyes like she’d suddenly noticed. “Wait, does this mean I’m the best…?!”
“Come on,” I jabbed back at her, and Mimimi cracked a smile and faced forward.
“But like.”
Suddenly…
…she sighed like the gesture was familiar to her.
“Maybe it’s because I always wind up going along with what everyone else does?” Mimimi held her hand up to the fluorescent lights as if to look through the blood flowing inside her. “I’m not confident in myself as a person.”
It was a negative thing to say, but she sounded somehow invigorated. Was that because she’d accepted her own weakness or because she was resigned to it? I couldn’t tell.
But I did understand what Mimimi was saying.
I think I’m pretty emotionally stable, and I live my life according to my own standards. But during that summertime farewell with Hinami and that time I hit a wall with Kikuchi-san, I’d been at rock bottom emotionally. The things people said to me helped dramatically, and those experiences left a deep impression on me. I know how overwhelming the light can be when you’re in a dark place.
And if that happened enough times, then it made sense that my future choices would be affected by that.
“Yourself as a person…,” Kikuchi-san mused.
What Mimimi was saying fit with my mental image of Hinami.
Having everything, like she does. But in fact, none of it is herself; it’s manufactured based on what the world thinks is right. It’s papier-mâche armor, built purely on the good opinion of others.
This showy armor was not Hinami as a person.
“You mean…your self-esteem, right?”
When Kikuchi-san rephrased what Mimimi had said, Mizusawa nodded as well. People talk about it a lot online, so I got it, too.
“Well, it’s a really important issue in life,” said Mizusawa.
“Yeah. It really is—the most important thing!” Mimimi said forcefully, and then she seemed to reflect. “I think Aoi also wants to believe that she’s valuable when she’s producing results that anyone can recognize. That’s how she gets herself to put on a smile every day.” She smiled to herself sympathetically. “She wants a reason to believe in herself.”
I was surprised.
“A reason to believe in yourself.”
Those words closely matched both the conclusion I had come to myself and the conversation I’d had with Hinami.
Eventually, Mimimi looked around the classroom, where social atmosphere reigned supreme, and narrowed her eyes. “But you know, there’s one thing I don’t understand.”
“What’s that?” Mizusawa asked.
Mimimi lowered her head.