“If you can dodge a morning star, you can dodge a monster. All that growling and yowling? Don’t let it get to you. Just focus on the timing and where you place your weight. We’re not shifting our weight, we’re controlling our weight!”
I swished out of the way of the charging hippo—oh, did I mention there were charging hippos on this floor? Well, there were—and glided between two more mighty hippo haunches. A hip here, a hop there, and I evaded every attacking artiodactyl. And then it was time to strike back!
“And if you can’t get out of the way, strike first! Geez…all I want to do is practice Qing Qigong, but these stupid monster spawns keep getting in the way.”
See, every hurtling hippo body generated a huge rush of wind. I was able to ride them up, up, up and out of harm’s way, resulting in my would-be assailants smashing into other oversized herbivores…and then the rushes of air from that tossed me even further. It was hippo hell out here. Dippo under that one, flippo over that other one… Hey! Cut that out! All right, now you’ve done it. Eat this!
“No biting allowed! Yeesh, how wide do those mouths open?”
Wiggle wiggle!
Word of advice: never underestimate a hippo. These enormous creatures’ surprising speed and ferocity would make even a lion run for cover. Worse, although you wouldn’t think it from their goofy appearances, hippos were blisteringly intelligent. To top it all off, their mouths could open wide enough to swallow a full-grown man.
“See, I saw the name ‘level 39 charged hippo’ and let my guard down. I thought they meant charged as in, like, the hippos would be angry. These ungulates are trickier than they look!”
Turned out “charged” was for the electric currents running through their bodies. You could see sparks coming off of ’em and everything. No touchy.
“Not that it matters when they’re just trying to run me over! What is it with me and stampeding idiots… I spend half my time chasing after stampeding meatheads, and for what? I don’t even get to light them on fire!”
The hippos might have had iron-clad defenses, but since when had the Universe Staff cared about iron-clad defenses? Since when had the Universe Staff cared about anything? It had long since surpassed the most OP weapons dreamed up in the insatiable mind palaces of infinite bullshittery that only preteen boys were capable of tapping into. It was a weapon of mystery that eclipsed even our finest selection of divine swords, and it came with a free crowbarlike implement, a versatile must-have for any would-be murderer in a suspense flick.
“Yeah, solid defenses aren’t gonna do jack for a level 39 monster. The Universal Crowbarlike Implement can bash through anything.”
It grew and shrunk at will; it shapeshifted however I pleased. It whacked monsters so hard it sent them flying. It glided through the air like still water and cut enemies to ribbons. It weaponized the principle of leverage and set things rolling. Hell, I could probably use this thing like a pair of hedge clippers if I had the inclination. This weapon was so mind-bending, the only thing about it that made any sense was one extremely rational conclusion: Get on the business end of it, and you’re toast. Hippos flew from each hearty swing. The rushing hippos got batted, and soon, it was raining hippos. No need to reach for the umbrellas, folks—there’s no umbrella that could stand up to a falling hippo.
“Is this a rain of blows or a rain of foes? Perhaps a fair-weather version of Lü Bu’s Heaven Scorcher Halberd?”
Sleeping Beauty, with her Premonition Skill that functioned similarly to my Future Sight, deftly sidestepped the hippos’ charges without ever once being so much as grazed by a raging even-toed ungulate—but when she did, it never looked like dodging. Instead, it seemed like she was simply moving into position to take the next attack head-on and bat the multi-ton creatures into the air with frightening force. Her enormous MP supplied her with equally enormous destructive power. The conversion rates between magic and carnage were alarmingly high, and that was before she even started to learn qigong. Add MP batteries and MP mushrooms to the mix, and well—oh lord, I wanted to be in that number (for my own protection!) when this saint went marching in.
“Oh, when the floor (when the floor!) turns red with blood (red with blood!); oh, when the floor turns red with blooood, how I want to run for my liiiife, when the floor turns red with blood (red with blood!)”
Hers was a precisely controlled rampage that converted heaping swells of magical power into likewise daunting surges of physical force. If not for this ability, she never could have found Dancer Girl at the bottom of that ultimate dungeon and pulled her friend from the darkness’s clutches. It was in the midst of that task that her strength had finally flagged and her body had given out. Dancer Girl had been saved from the darkness only to be clapped with a slave collar, while Sleeping Beauty had been left a soulless husk that was beyond even the power of the convocation of elders to coax back to life.
“I never understood how a healer had made it all the way to the bottom of an ultimate dungeon, but…now I don’t understand why I ever thought she was a healer.”
Boing boing.