Accordingly, the gangsters were acting like they were watching the last episode of a samurai drama when all of a sudden aliens invaded Sekigahara and started fighting the Tokugawa Army. Everyone was shocked by the sheer audacity of the historical revisionism. The cops were keeping their guns raised, but seemed equally baffled—only their professionalism kept them focused on the task at hand.
“You’re under arrest for illegal gambling! Drop your weapons!”
That line also generated a flurry of questions, but at the least it seemed safe to assume they weren’t here about the alcohol. Then I remembered what the old man said when he dropped us off here. Was this the commotion he’d promised? How were we supposed to slip away while surrounded by two heavily armed groups?
The raiding police and black-clad gangsters were in a standoff, going nowhere fast. Fingers on triggers, eyes peeled, tensions mounting…
Haruhi was the first to break it.
She’d been lying face down next to me, but she slowly raised her hands. Like she was leading a cheer or in a robbery, but with the palms facing inward. Like she was facing the collection box at a shrine.
Bam!
Then she started clapping her hands in prayer. Well, just one clap.
This signal got the shoot-out started.
Bullets whizzed overhead from both directions. A complete nightmare.
“Eeek!” Asahina wailed, clutching her noggin. Nagato was down like a new hire collapsed in bed after an all-nighter. But I could tell her eyes were open, so she hadn’t actually passed out. Koizumi used his elbows to crawl over to me, yelling over the gunfire.
“Let’s find somewhere to hide!”
Like where? The cops have the entrance occupied.
“Behind the bar! I saw the bartender vanish behind it! And that should hopefully block the bullets!”
Not seeing any other options, I poked Haruhi, then pointed at the bar. She nodded and started crawling. I put my left arm around Asahina and dragged myself across the speakeasy floor with my right arm alone. I probably looked like a wounded soldier on his way back to the trench.
By the time we reached the back of the bar, our suits were covered in dust. The stone-faced bartender was sitting there…silently polishing a glass. He barely glanced at us, just kept polishing. Less like a man of few words than an NPC that had never been given a voice file.
The gunfire was still going strong, and by the time the gun smoke was starting to rival the tobacco smoke, I heard a bell ring.
It pierced my ears like an alarm clock. The source of the sound was on the bar above. The bartender reached up for it and pulled the whole phone down. Very old-fashioned-looking, downright antique. He lifted the receiver and held it to his ear, then silently passed it to me.
I could only think of one person who’d call us here.
“Hello? That you, old-timer?”
“That it is! There’s a hidden door in the shelves behind the bar. You can slip out and come to the back alley. I’ve got a car waiting.”
He hung up.
I handed the phone back to the bartender and pointed at the cupboard doors. I assumed that was the way to the pantry. He caught my drift and opened the doors, without ever speaking.
Just enough space for someone to crawl through.
I’d have liked to thank him but had nothing on me. I simply raised a hand and flung myself into the secret exit. I made sure Haruhi, Nagato, Asahina, and Koizumi made it through, then proceeded down the hall beyond. There was a staircase and a heavy door at the top. We managed to shove it open and found ourselves in the black-and-white business district.
The car waiting was a different model from the one that brought us here. This was a Ford Thunderbird convertible.
That same old man was sitting in the driver’s seat, cosplaying a Chicago cop.
Another freebie?
“Hurry up. They’re on your heels!”
I could hear several sirens closing in. A bit of overkill for an underground casino.
Haruhi claimed shotgun, and the four of us squeezed into the back seat somehow. The Thunderbird pulled out, merging with traffic on the main thoroughfare.
A moment later, I blinked. I’d thought something was odd—color had come back. I assumed we’d moved forward in time, but that may have been premature.
The buildings outside the windows were slowly petering out, as if the SOS Brigade were being driven out of town to an unpaved path through the woods.
“Where next?” Haruhi asked.
I’d like to add, “When next?”
“Well,” the man said, hands on the wheel. “I’m as much at the mercy of this as you are. I may well be in a worse position! I have come from nowhere and have nowhere to go. An eternal servant at the mercy of this world.”
How much do you know, old-timer?
“Not a thing. They won’t let me. I’m not even sure if that’s a bad thing.”
His voice seemed to be fading out. The view blurred, growing hazy. When it came back in focus—yup, we had new duds on.
Koizumi and I had gone from funeral suits to suits you’d wear to a wedding. So not that different, really. But the girls were all in old-fashioned, frilly party gowns. Colorful jewelry, hair all done up. Talk about preferential treatment.
Also, my butt hurt, so I looked down, and the car seat had been replaced with wood. I pried open the window and looked out—this was a horse-drawn carriage.
Two chestnut horses were trotting along. The old man was holding the reins, wearing a silk hat.
What task awaited us once this carriage stopped? I couldn’t begin to guess, but if I was certain of anything—this would hardly be our last adventure. What did they even want from us?
✦ ✦ ✦
We were in a place that sort of resembled seventeenth-century England, tasked with preventing the assassination of the king. A faction of parliament with ties to an old religious order planned to blow up the palace with the royals in it during a masked ball. A nobleman in favor of the current monarchy ordered us to infiltrate the ball, prevent the explosive plot, and capture those responsible. The king and queen were rather young—shocking no one, they were our old prince and princess. Somehow we managed to stop the attack, and blow up the crooks instead, but got caught in the explosion ourselves and woke up in another world.
✦ ✦ ✦
The next one was set in Europe during the Second World War. English intelligence suckered us into doing a Mission Impossible, “Be a chap and pop over to Germany and fetch one of those Enigma machines!” and Haruhi was totally up for it, so we went from Dover through occupied France to Berlin. Stuff happened, and we did manage to steal the code machine. Then we snuck onto an American submarine under cover of night in Calais, but a German destroyer spotted us, and the rest was every submarine movie ever. By the end, we were rowing away in a rubber dinghy as the sub sank and the destroyer went up in flames. That was when we passed out.
✦ ✦ ✦
The next was a police drama, where a serial bomber kept leaving us riddles, and we had to use those to disarm the ticking bombs—why are these all about bombs now?
Next we were Heian-era nobles locked in a nasty courtroom power struggle, and the only worthwhile bit was seeing the girls in their twelve-layer kimono.
Then we were vampire hunters invading a vampire’s lair.
Then we were cleaning berserk robots out of a post-apocalyptic ruin.
Then we were in an Arabian Nights setting, stealing a lamp, then an Edo-era zombie story, then another submarine for a nerve-racking deal involving nuclear missiles, then on a failed mission to turn Jupiter into a sun, an escape from a labyrinthian death game, time traveling back to fight dinosaurs, etc., etc., on and on…