“Get back!” Haruhi yelled.
She switched her ray gun to heat ray mode and fired it at the metallic door, slicing through it like butter. The door fell in, revealing two figures beyond the threshold.
Given the situation, stunned looks were expected, but their expressions were so vacant they barely seemed human.
Haruhi marched right in.
“You’re the prince and princess of the Galactic Thingamabob Empire? Don’t worry, we’re here to rescue you.”
They were supposed to be royalty but didn’t exactly look the part. They just seemed like your standard issue young people. Their clothes were futuristic but also clearly everyday wear.
And since they were just gaping at us, they had no dignity whatsoever, and I was starting to wonder if we had the right pair.
But heedless of my concerns, Haruhi grabbed their arms.
“Retreat! Evacuate! Head back to the Schismatrix, blow the hatch open, and let’s get on home! Nothing else for us here.”
She was clearly in no mood for arguments and dragged the royal siblings into the hall. Naturally, we followed. What else could we do?
The ship might be in combat mode, but that didn’t mean everyone was at their battle stations. Cannon fodder troopers stuck their faces out every now and then only to be met with Nagato’s unerring aim. We left them quivering in our wake.
We ran back the way we’d come and soon found ourselves back at our patrol vessel. I need hardly point out that Asahina had spent this whole time getting dragged around. She’d never been one for combat, and the role she’d been cast in seemed entirely wrong for her. Maybe they should have made her the ship medic.
“Kyon, launch!”
Inside the ship, Haruhi had the royal siblings stand at either side of her while she sprawled back in her captain’s chair.
“Prime all cannons! Target: the middle of that wall!”
“Understood.”
Koizumi, appearing to have graduated from copilot to gunner, took aim.
Haruhi bellowed, “Fire!” and he pulled the trigger.
Particle cannons, and what looked like photon torpedoes, shot out of the Schismatrix’s bow and blew a hole in the side of the ship. Impressive fireworks. All the air was sucked out, revealing the depths of space through the gash. The stars twinkling in the distance weren’t stars at all, but ships exploding. I’d only seen the like in movies, but I was in the pilot’s seat, and couldn’t stop to take it all in, much less gawk. As Haruhi ordered, I lifted off and then escaped the flagship’s interior.
The Schismatrix flitted through the disarrayed formations of the two opposing fleets like a tiny fish. Both sides were firing colorful beams in all directions, and I was sweating it. It didn’t feel remotely real. Flying the ship on sheer instinct and reflexes, I aimed for an arbitrary section of space.
“Mikuru, open the comms. Hail our allies.”
Haruhi was being all captainy, and Asahina somehow muddled through it. Just as I inexplicably knew how to pilot a ship, she seemed to know how the comms worked. That was decidedly odd, but arguably also made perfect sense. This place followed its own rules.
“Can you hear me, Ranging Galactic Observation Patrol, Haruhi Squad?”
A familiar old man’s voice echoed from the speakers. I couldn’t help but picture the King of Diamonds.
“This is the Fifth Separatist Empire’s emperor.”
“We’ve rescued your children,” Haruhi said smugly. “Satisfied?”
“I am grateful. Name your reward—but we’re in combat at the moment, and I’m busy commanding. Take shelter in a safe place, and we shall come to collect the prince and princess soon.”
The comms cut out. That was quick. I mean, I didn’t want him sobbing out a thank-you or anything, but…
“That’s it, then,” I said. I was looking at Koizumi, but halfway through realized he wouldn’t know, and turned to Nagato.
“…………”
She’d been sitting by the radar equipment, but abruptly got to her feet and moved over to the royals lurking behind the captain’s chair. What? They didn’t react at all.
She studied the duo for a moment with her deep-sea creature stare, then she reached out, poking each in turn.
“Um,” I ventured.
The moment she made contact, both crumpled to their knees and toppled over.
“Robots,” Nagato whispered.
They looked for all the world like action figures with busted joints.
“Oh dear,” Koizumi said, shrugging. “They foisted fakes off on us. They must have assumed someone would try to rescue them and prepared dummies. Perhaps the real ones were never there, and they were always robots—but certainly a blunder on our part. We should have been suspicious the moment they were on the same ship as us. That did seem a bit inadvisable on their part.”
“Then where’re the real ones?” Haruhi asked.
Koizumi turned to the screen.
“Assuming they were captured by this fleet and weren’t on the flagship—then they must be on some other ship. Impossible to tell which.”
Another plume of fire lit up the sea of crisscrossing beams. The battle was getting more furious by the second, and both sides were sustaining considerable losses. Not great.
All we could do was watch helplessly as ship after ship blew up.
“So?” I said glumly, to no one in particular. “Is our employer unwittingly going ham on the enemy because they think we’ve safely rescued the prince and princess?”
“Most likely,” Koizumi said, nodding. “Perhaps we should inform them we rescued fakes.”
“Better do that now, before it’s too late.”
“No, something tells me it already is.”
Same. I bet we all felt that way.
I mean—
The view before us was fading out. The wide-screen monitor was gone, and the view of space—like black construction paper with pinholes in it—fell away, as if it was being rolled up.
I couldn’t even bother saying “What the hell” this time.
“Mission incomplete,” Nagato said.
I’d heard that before and didn’t have to ask why.
“Augh…”
We blew it again. The ship with the real prince and princess had been annihilated by their own side, and those poor souls were space dust now. RIP.
“Penalty,” Nagato added.
I sighed.
This was the second time seeing the world transform, and it no longer impressed me. The swath of darkness grew steadily brighter, and the word panorama floated through my mind.
“………,” I said at the same time as Nagato, Koizumi, and Asahina.
First a fantasy world, then a space opera, and for our third trick—
Dry wind on our cheeks, dust swirling around our boots. Boots? Sure looked like boots. My feet could feel bare earth beneath the soles.
I looked up and found buildings of yesteryear beneath a sky so blue it made my eyes throb.
“………”
No one said a word.
We had ten-gallon hats and, uh, I dunno how to describe our outfits. Westerny. We were standing on an unpaved carriage road.
“Now we’ve done it,” was I all managed to mutter.
The ray gun in my holster was now a single-action revolver. Koizumi and I had old-timey shirts on, suspenders on our trousers, and sheriff badges gleaming on our chests. Haruhi and Asahina were wearing cowgirl outfits with rather a lot of skin showing, and Nagato was inarguably a wandering gunslinger.
Which meant we were…
“All right, crew.” Haruhi grinned. “Move out! We’ve gotta rescue the rancher’s son and his bride from these roustabouts and claim the bounties on their heads! Brave sheriffs and their helpers won’t let these wanted hoodlums get away with this!”
I guess that’s the plot.
We were in a western, and the play—if that’s the word for it—was just getting underway.
I wasn’t sure who to ask, but let me ask anyway.
“How many of these are there?”
“I assume they’ll continue until we complete the mission,” Koizumi said, curiously examining his ancient-looking Peacemaker. “Or until whoever invited us here grows bored.”
He spun the gun, then holstered it, and shot Nagato a smile.
“I doubt this will go on indefinitely. Best to just enjoy the role-playing experience. It’s not every day we see the like.”
Asahina was gaping at everything, and Haruhi put an arm through hers, beaming at all of us.
“First, we’ll need horses! You can’t impress anyone walking across the frontier. Let’s find a saloon—”
A staged North America in the nineteenth century. The town around us looked like a standing set.
The SOS Brigade set out—across a vast and wild land.