Okay.
So Kaijin and his team had crafted this lovely sword for me, as promised. Now it was my turn.
“Right!” I said. “Time for me to pull a little secret work for you. I’m sorry, but would you all mind leaving me alone here for now?”
There was no way I could let them see this. It would be too hard to explain, for one thing.
“Well, you have everything you need here, I suppose. But are you sure? I would be glad to help.”
“I’ll be fine, thank you! Just promise me you won’t peek into this room for the next three days. Swear it!”
“All right. I’ll trust you and wait…”
With that, Kaijin and his men left. Gobta, too, for some stupid reason. What goes through his mind, day in and day out, that keeps him alive? I’ve got to wring it out of him someday.
✦ ✦ ✦
So our recipe today’s for a longsword. Couldn’t be simpler! First, take this completed sample…and swallow it up! Next, take the rest of the ingredients lined up here…and swallow them up, too! Munch, munch…gulp! Mix well in your stomach, and…
✦ ✦ ✦
Notice. Analysis target: “longsword.” Successful. Creating copy… Successful.
Repeat nineteen times. Bon appétit!
Easy, wasn’t it?
Kids, don’t try this at home!
✦ ✦ ✦
And with that ridiculous mental commentary, I set to work.
Yikes… Each copy was taking, like, ten seconds.
190 seconds—three minutes and change—and I had nineteen swords scattered around the room. It had been maybe five minutes since I shooed Kaijin and the rest out of the room.
I mean, I figured I could do it, but it was just so easy! And people spent entire lifetimes crafting stuff like this. I started to feel as if I had done something shamelessly rude to them. This Predator is such a cheat code.
So now what? I told them not to open the door for three days. Am I supposed to just hole up in here until then? No… I can’t just sit here like the blob that I am. Maybe I should come clean…
✦ ✦ ✦
So I did. I threw the door open and stepped outside. The four dwarves immediately stood up, giving me worried looks. Gobta was…sleeping.
God, five minutes? Yep. That was when I decided I had to do something about him.
“Wh-what is it? Did something happen?”
“Are you short on something?”
“Or…or it didn’t work, then?”
“Yeah, um…well, actually…” I sized up the dwarves, whose eyes were laden with self-torment. They hurt to look at.
But I just couldn’t resist. I had to put on an act.
Why did I have to be so mean to people all the time? Not even my death and rebirth had cured me of that habit.
“…Ha-ha! Just kidding! They’re all done, actually!”
“““……Whaaaa?!”””
Guess I can’t blame them.
✦ ✦ ✦
“““…Cheers!!”””
We were at a kind of dwarven nightclub, holding a rather anticlimactic wrap-up party. The weapons were safely in the king’s hands, and it was time to celebrate. I mean, I told them they didn’t have to…
“Aw, come on! There’s lots of beautiful ladies in there!”
“Yeah, yeah! Young ones, and older, too, if you like a little weathering on ’em! It’s the perfect place for any gentleman!”
“……!!”
“C’mon, Rimuru! We can’t go out without the big guy himself!”
It was four against one, so I had no choice.
Never a dull moment, huh?
The place was called the Night Butterfly.
Were the hosts really butterflies, then? They’d better not turn out to be moths!
…Not that I really cared. I was a gentleman. I’d try anything once, I thought as we strolled in.
“Ooh, welcome!”
“““Welcome, sirs!”””
Phwoaarrrr!! The place was lined up and down with babes!! Whoaaa! Their ears were so long, too! Is it hot in here, or is it just those elves? Dang!
Ohhhh my Godddddd, and their clothes are so thin!! It’s like I can almost see through…but I can’t… Dammit, and I got Magic Sense going at max force, too! They’ve got the boundaries of their clothing down pat, don’t they? Is this meant to be some kind of…challenge? Nnnngh!!
“Oooh, look at you, cutie!”
“Aww, I saw him first!!”
Eeep! Boing! Boiiing!
✦ ✦ ✦
Th-there it is!!
✦ ✦ ✦
My entire body is jiggling! And I can feel something soft jiggling against my back, too! Is this paradise, or what?!
“…Umm… I guess all that squirming means you’re enjoying this, huh?”
Agh! Oh, no. I didn’t mean to…
“Huh…? N…no, not that much.”
Guess I shouldn’t have expected the world, then. Nobody believes in me after all. But so be it. What do I care? I’m perched in the lap of a real-life elf! I can’t believe this is actually happening!!
Ahh, I feel so bad for my dear, departed friend down there! If only he were still around! I’d be bouncing off the walls!
✦ ✦ ✦
However, while we were enjoying ourselves…
“Well! If it isn’t Kaijin! Goodness me, what are you doing, bringing this vulgar monster into a high-class establishment like this?”
Who’s that guy? Looking to start a fight, it sounded like. Things quickly fell silent around us. Even the girls sneered at this visitor—they must not have liked him too much, although they were polite enough to keep the scoffs very discreet.
By dwarf standards, this one was quite tall and thin in stature, making him…well, an average human in size.
“Hey! Boss! You guys allowin’ monsters in here these days?”
“N-no,” an older female manager called out, “but it’s just a little slime, so…”
“Uhh? It’s still a monster! Ain’t it? You sayin’ a slime’s not a monster anymore?!”
“I… No, sir, but…” The manager stuttered noncommittally, trying to calm the man down, but the boor wasn’t even paying attention. Clearly, he was after us.
“Oh, great,” one of the girls sighed. “That’s Vester, the minister.”
Speak of the devil! Well, I’ll be… He did seem like the kinda guy who refuses to let go of a grudge. I could see it on his face.
“Y’know what best suits a monster?” Vester bellowed. “This!” Then he emptied the contents of his water glass over me.
I wasn’t exactly a fan of that kind of provocation, but I kept myself in check. This was a government minister—I couldn’t let my short temper get Kaijin or the manager of this place in trouble. Wouldn’t want them banned from the premises. Just sit tight, let it pass, and—
“Hey… You think you can just pick on us all you want?!”
With an audible kick at the table, Kaijin stood up.
“You think you can run around and make fun of my guest, Vester? You think I’m not gonna mind that? You think?!”
…Um? Hey, Kaijin, this is a top government official and stuff, isn’t it? You sure you’re on good footing here?
Vester, to his credit, was just as startled and stepped back.
I boinged back a bit in surprise, too, cushioned amply by the chest of the elf behind me.
…Not on purpose! I swear!
“How…how dare you speak to me like that, you…!” Vester sputtered, still in shock.
“Will you shut up already?!” Kaijin shouted, accentuating his point by launching a punch at the minister’s face. A few moments later, he asked me, “Hey, Rimuru, you were lookin’ for someone to help you, right? Would I be good enough, maybe?”
Good enough? More than. But…really? I supposed he’d quite literally just punched a one-way ticket out of the Dwarven Kingdom. Now he was making a verbal request.
“That’s what I’ve been wanting to hear. It’ll be great working with you, Kaijin!”
It would be. We could hammer out the details later. If Kaijin was willing to come over, I was more than willing to invite him. We didn’t need no fancy contract! We do what we want, when we want!
Kaijin and I sealed the deal with an emphatic nod.