Fundamentally, Mahiru was someone who always spoke politely, no matter who she was addressing. Her position on that didn’t seem to change, whether she was speaking to someone older or younger than she was. She was always polite when she spoke with teachers and classmates and even when students from younger classes talked to her. She spoke to everyone the same way, from employees in shops to people in the neighborhood and even a lost child she’d encountered once. That didn’t change even when it came to the special people in her life, and there was no difference in the way she spoke to Chitose, her closest friend, or even her boyfriend, Amane. “Mahiru, you speak kind of formally toward everyone, huh?” Thinking how odd that was, Amane asked about it after dinner one night, and Mahiru blinked several times in surprise, fluttering her long eyelashes. It was an incredibly sudden question, so he felt bad for catching her off guard, but the words had already left his mouth, so it was too late for regrets. Mahiru didn’t seem particularly hurt by the question and said, “I guess I do. I’m just too accustomed to speaking that way, and I don’t really notice it, though.” She smiled and took a sip of her tea. “Is there some reason you’re so formal?” When he asked a follow-up question, curious about why that was, Mahiru calmly set her cup down on the table, then cast her eyes downward, as if she was deep in thought. “Hmm… The reason is kind of hard to explain, I guess.” “Hard to explain?” “Of course, the main reason is to sound polite, but…there’s also an element of wanting to maintain a certain distance from people.” As she’d said, Mahiru seemed to be struggling to articulate her reasons. She must have felt Amane’s eyes on her, because she let her eyebrows droop softly into an expression of uncertainty. “It’s like, to a certain extent, whenever you interact with someone, you get closer to them, right? Physically and mentally.” “Well, I guess so, yeah.” “I’m the type of person who needs a wide bubble of my own personal space. Even when I am getting along with someone, more or less, when they come too close, I pull away, like…reflexively, I pull away; you get it?” “Do you dislike it when I get too close, too?” “N-not at all! I mean, if I hated having you in my personal space, Amane, I wouldn’t be sitting beside you in the first place!” Honestly, he had known she would deny it before he asked the question, but she denied it more fiercely than he’d expected, so he was a little overwhelmed by it. “Um, I don’t really think it makes me super unfriendly or anything, but…I don’t know exactly how to put this. I guess I could say I don’t want people getting any closer, and that feeling comes out in the way I talk maybe? It’s become a habit at this point.” He could understand what Mahiru was trying to say. Basically, Mahiru was a sociable person, and she greeted everyone with a smile, but at heart, she was somewhat of an introvert who liked to spend her days in peace and quiet. In private, that tendency of hers was obvious, and Amane could tell she didn’t like getting too close to most people. Even when she was with Amane, she wasn’t necessarily always brimming with a desire to chitchat, and much of the time, they quietly did their own thing. The fact that she didn’t reject him, even when he was sitting close beside her, and was actually happy about having him there, was because Amane was a special case. She wasn’t like that with everybody. Amane accepted that Mahiru was sensitive to people encroaching on her personal space, and he figured it was probably something like her protective instincts in action. Using polite language was something she did on purpose as part of that, and it seemed to be like a defensive wall for her. “I do it partly to keep other people in check, so it’s really not a very endearing reason, I know.” Mahiru let out a sigh. With a grim look, she pinched a piece of hair by the side of her face and twirled it around her finger. “I’m a really twisted person, aren’t I?” “As your boyfriend, I think it’s incredibly honest of you, and easy to understand.” “…You’re twisted, too, then.” “I’m flattered.” “Don’t tease me, please.” As her face reddened, Mahiru launched a (weak) attack against Amane’s thighs, slapping at him where he sat beside her. He wondered what exactly about her was twisted, but Mahiru herself seemed fully convinced it was true. “…I don’t think I have any genuine friendships.” With a soft sigh, those words slipped from Mahiru’s mouth, in a more monotonous tone than usual. “Of course I do have friends, but I guess I just feel like relationships last only when they have some kind of merit. I don’t want to say people make friends only because they want to enjoy some kind of benefit from it, or because they gain something emotionally, but I don’t think people stay together without a good reason.” What Mahiru was trying to say was a little extreme, but he understood where she was coming from. Any type of relationship fundamentally had its pros and cons, and people got involved with one another after weighing those. That was true for friendships as well, which generally continued (or didn’t) because there were mental and emotional benefits, such as having fun or feeling happy or feeling calm when spending time with a certain person. If demerits such as distrust or discomfort with someone’s personality, or a sense of danger outweighed the merits, then it was natural to end that relationship. Some people did seem to judge their friendships by what could be gained or lost, but at the end of the day, everyone was unconsciously making decisions based on what made them comfortable or uncomfortable. “I’m extremely self-conscious and embarrassed about this, but I don’t think there are very many people who have gotten close to me with pure intentions, you see. I know not everyone is like that, but most people I’ve known have approached me because they thought I could be useful to them in some way.” From the way she had sighed several times while they were talking, Amane could tell her words genuinely came from personal experience, and that made his heart ache. Amane could clearly see Mahiru was all too used to having both kindness and malice directed toward her, and he bit his lip at the misery of that thought. Mahiru’s previous friends had all treated her like the angel they thought she was, but hearing her talk about it brought home once again that those relationships weren’t all pleasant. “They either liked me because I was cute, or because they could get me to help them with their homework, or because if they were friends with a girl who was popular, it would raise their own social standing or something like that. I guess it was bad, like, there were people who wanted me as an accessory or maybe a trophy? There were some girls who pretended to be friends with me so they could pick up the boys I rejected, and stuff… Well, there were all sorts of people.” From her somewhat listless and dejected tone of voice, Amane could tell that Mahiru had really suffered in the past, and without thinking, he started stroking her head sympathetically. Mahiru’s voice and facial expressions made it seem like her anxiety was mounting just from remembering it all. Amane was filled with admiration for how much she had endured. He was frowning now, too, so in a panic, Mahiru spoke up, a little louder and brighter. “Of course, there were also plenty of people who just approached me because they thought I was some angel and were curious about me.” But Amane had seen her expression a moment earlier, and he could tell she had faced quite a struggle until things had resolved themselves. “Well, so because of that, I decided to treat everyone equally with polite speech and manners and not let anyone cross the line I had set for myself. If I acted the same way toward everyone, anyone who tried to force their way into my bubble would automatically be shunned by everyone else around me, I figured… It’s not a very good way of behaving, is it?” She had held her ground against people who wanted to benefit from her popularity or use her more directly. Mahiru had had trouble with personal relationships, and she had mastered this as a secret to success and a defensive strategy. “…Seriously, things have been ridiculously hard for you, huh?” “Well, I can’t deny the possibility that those friendships were seasoned by my own assumptions, too, though. If you said I was overly self-conscious, I wouldn’t deny it, you know.” “Nah, after seeing how popular you were, I wouldn’t say you were overly self-conscious…” Since it was well known she had a boyfriend now, things had settled down comparatively, but up until they had started dating, Mahiru’s popularity had been a terrible thing to contend with. She had always had people around her, boys and girls both, and according to Mahiru, she also regularly received love confessions. Things weren’t so bad that she had a crowd following her wherever she went, but there were almost always several people by her side, and she’d struggled to find the chance to be alone. However, just like Mahiru had said, it was also true Amane had never noticed anyone who seemed to be particularly close to her. He could only tell this because he’d seen Chitose forcefully pushing the others aside, but the other students seemed to be comparatively superficial acquaintances. “It doesn’t bother me that much now, because now everyone around me is a kind and good person.” She smiled, and it didn’t look disingenuous. Their current class had a lot of comparatively rational and mild-mannered people in it. Even the boys who had argued with him on Sports Day seemed to have given up now and weren’t going to try anything with Amane or Mahiru, and when it came to the girls, for some reason, they seemed to have assumed the puzzling position of peacefully watching over them with smiles on their faces. Amane and Mahiru were able to date peacefully and uneventfully, thanks to the understanding of their classmates, so he was extremely grateful for that. “Actually, at first, this wasn’t one of the reasons why I started talking that way, but…” “At first?” “Mmm…how do I put this? I have a feeling if I say this, you’re going to be more bothered by it than I am, Amane.” Actually, the thing that bothered him was that she was giving him evasive answers in a tone of voice that suggested the topic was extremely hard for her to talk about. But when Amane blinked repeatedly, not understanding the reason why she would be so hesitant to speak, Mahiru continued resolutely. “…Using formal language, well, doesn’t it make me sound more like an honors student?” A gasp escaped his lips. And at the same time, the regret that he’d asked about this instantly hit him in the back of the head. “While the other kids were learning all sorts of different words and using them without thinking too much about their connotations or the impressions they gave the listener, I realized if I was careful with my language and behaved politely and gracefully…at least to the adults, I would look like a very good girl, right?” Mahiru continued, not seeming to notice the remorse that surfaced in Amane’s voice and on his face. Her expression was very gentle and calm, and her smile was carefully constructed, like she was showing him that “good girl.” Seeing that made Amane’s regret all the more intense. “Even though it never paid off.” Those words she had previously said ran around and around in his head and wouldn’t leave. “At the time, I was so desperate to seem like a good girl, to get people to see me that way, I didn’t care how I came off. Thinking back on it now, it seems so warped.” Mahiru called herself warped without any hesitation, and after staring in wonderment at Amane, who had fallen silent, she gazed at him with a troubled and panicked look in her eyes. “Of course, I don’t have any such intentions now; I mean, now it’s more like a defensive wall. At this point, I don’t think about it anymore.” When Mahiru tried to offer him some reassurance, because she was clearly worried about what Amane was thinking, he wrapped her body up in a hug, to tell her she could stop. Though she stiffened for a moment, she soon relaxed and leaned into him. That showed how much she trusted him, Amane thought. “…I love you no matter what kind of language you use, Mahiru. You don’t have to be a good girl anymore.” “I—I know that.” “Let it sink in a little more, please.” “…Okay.” Amane loved everything about Mahiru. That included her good-girl persona. And the part of her that was strict and sometimes hard to approach. And the part of her that feared getting close to people but also became lonely easily. And the part of her that claimed she was twisted for wearing a mask around others while ignoring how guilty it made her feel. All of these were facets of the darling girl he wanted to treasure. By no means had he fallen in love with only the good parts of Mahiru, the parts he could see on the surface. Amane loved her dearly, including the darkness she carried within her. He gently embraced her and rubbed her back, trying to convey that thought to her, and Mahiru squirmed in his arms, seeming embarrassed about it. Even so, she didn’t try to escape and seemed to find his touch pleasant, which proved just how much she trusted Amane. “W-well, um, I’m sure that probably worries you, Amane, but that’s not all, you know?” “That’s not all?” “No. Um, I was practically raised by Miss Koyuki, right?” “…You did say that.” “Ah, I don’t want to make you feel depressed about that, okay?!” Amane nodded along, feeling a little blue when he thought back on Mahiru’s early life, even though it wasn’t about him. When she saw that, Mahiru, in contrast, got flustered. “It’s just, I guess you’d say I learned a lot of things from the person who was always by my side. And Miss Koyuki basically always spoke politely. Of course, part of that is because she was employed to be there, but…she did that with pretty much everyone. I thought that behavior was so sophisticated and lovely. I wanted to be like her, so I copied her.” “I see… From what you’ve said, it wasn’t just the way she spoke; her bearing and everything must have been elegant, too. If not, I guess you wouldn’t have admired her and imitated her?” “Right.” It was a relief just to know that Mahiru’s behavior wasn’t simply so she could be a “good girl.” The more he heard about the woman, the more fully Amane realized how important Miss Koyuki had been to Mahiru. It was easy to imagine that if she hadn’t been around, the Mahiru he knew wouldn’t exist, either, so of course she had been important to Mahiru. But seeing how much Mahiru idolized her, he could tell she must have been a decent, kindhearted person. Amane had never seen the woman before, but he felt like someday he would like to go meet Miss Koyuki, who had given so much guidance to Mahiru, and even though it wasn’t his place to do so, he wanted to go thank her. Even though Amane had no way of knowing for sure, he had a feeling that if Miss Koyuki saw how Mahiru had turned out, she would be delighted. Mahiru had displayed a tremendous amount of trust in Miss Koyuki, and that was enough to make Amane, who was grateful Mahiru had had someone like that around her, break into a smile. As he keenly appreciated Miss Koyuki, Amane stroked Mahiru’s head, and she allowed him to pamper her without resistance. Then a thought suddenly occurred to him. Miss Koyuki had been the reason why Mahiru had started speaking politely, but her reasons for continuing were because she wanted her parents’ attention, because she wanted to be a good girl, and because she wanted to build an invisible wall between herself and others, to protect herself. In which case, he wondered if she could now drop the formalities. “By the way, if that’s how it started, does that mean you don’t have any particular attachment to formal speech now?” “Sure, I suppose.” “…I wonder what you’ll sound like, talking casually?” Basically, Mahiru never switched into a casual way of talking. Sometimes she did utter words like dummy and geez, but she was never entirely casual, always polite to the end. That included how she addressed other people. She called everybody Mister or Miss, and she even spoke with Amane in a rather formal tone of voice. If someone didn’t know better, it might sound from her word choice like she wasn’t particularly close to him. It was easy to tell that wasn’t the case from her tone, though. “T-talking casually?” “Yeah. Well, like…because you’re always so polite, even with your boyfriend. I’ve almost never heard you talk any other way is the thing.” “I-I’m not sure what I should…” He fixed his gaze on Mahiru, which resulted in her shrinking in on herself uncomfortably in his arms. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. It was just bugging me a little bit; that’s all. You’ve always spoken politely to me, so I’m just curious to know.” “G-geez…you dummy.” Mahiru head-butted his chest several times, half to hide her embarrassment and half to chide him for saying that. After meting out her punishment on Amane for a little while, she glanced up at him. In her eyes was a faltering, hesitant expression. Amane felt bad for forcing her into that position, and he gently patted her on the back. Eventually, Mahiru slowly opened her mouth to speak. “…Amane, I love you, you know,” she said quietly, almost whispering. It was a short sentence; it probably didn’t take her more than five seconds to say it. And yet Amane’s mind went blank for a moment, and he needed quite a bit of time to process Mahiru’s words. He was frozen in place, still holding Mahiru in his arms. Her words passed through his head time and time again, going around and around until he understood them, and when he finally managed to grasp what she had said, he looked down at her as she waited meekly there in his arms. He moved stiffly, like a creaky machine that had run out of oil. Mahiru, being who she was, seemed to have overheated, and her face was bright red, and she had stopped moving. Only the blur of moisture in her eyes moved, her tears trembling as they reflected the light. Suddenly, those eyes were filled with embarrassment as she realized Amane was staring at her, and they were quickly hidden by the curtain of her eyelids. As he watched both curtains come down, her long eyelashes quaking, Amane playfully bit on her pink lips that were also about to close. Though she had started moving again, it wasn’t to resist him. Instead, she surrendered everything to Amane and melted into him. It had been only a brief kiss, but when he pulled away, Mahiru was looking up at him with even redder cheeks and even moister eyes than before. She looked even more lovable like that. “One more time.” “…No way.” “Not the kiss, what you said before.” “I’m not saying it again!” “Aw.” “Dummy.” Realizing how sparse her repertoire of abusive words was, Amane gently pulled away from Mahiru as she hit him with an adorably inoffensive insult. There was something funny about the way that Mahiru, her face still red, pulled away from Amane and tried to cool her head down, so he smiled. “I, too, am in love with you.” “…You don’t have to be so formal, Amane.” “Yes, ma’am.” He was stuck under her arresting gaze, so he apologized meekly, and Mahiru, without saying anything further, sipped her tea, which looked like it had completely cooled, and she attempted to continue her own cooldown. Still, he knew it would be mean to provoke Mahiru any further, so as he watched her drink her tea, Amane also took a sip of his abandoned coffee. The stone-cold coffee was supposed to be black but mysteriously tasted sweet. “…Let me just say again, the way you talk to me hasn’t changed at all since we started dating, has it?” He began to reminisce now that he was calmer, but sure enough, he found it kind of funny that she still spoke to him so formally, and it made him smile. Mahiru seemed to have gotten her own composure back as well and seemed bothered by what he’d said. She let out a quiet, cute groaning noise. “I—I mean, that’s just what feels most natural with you…” “Yeah, I guess I can’t really imagine you talking any other way, Mahiru.” “I think stopping all of a sudden would be hard to do, even if I tried.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right, but…I was wondering if it’ll always be like this, forever.” It wasn’t that he particularly disliked the way she talked, and he was aware that she gave him special treatment in her own way, but he did have some reservations about it staying this way indefinitely. He hadn’t clearly conveyed that feeling to Mahiru, but he was already prepared to spend the rest of his life with her, so if Mahiru would have him, they would never be apart, and as long as she wasn’t unhappy, he never intended to leave her. He was feeling strange about hearing Mahiru talk to him formally forever, even in the future. Then Mahiru stared up at him. “…Hey, Amane?” She called his name with a slight tilt of her head, and it made Amane bite the inside of his cheek. She had made it sound so intimate. “…Something about talking this way doesn’t sit right with me; it feels wrong.” “O-oh, okay.” “…And it’s…embarrassing.” Amane was sure he was the one who should feel embarrassed, but he somehow kept his feelings in check and tried to wash away the sudden sweet taste in his mouth with another sip of coffee. After watching him for a few moments, Mahiru gently grabbed on to the hem of his shirt. He wondered what was going on to spur this charming gesture, and he looked over at Mahiru. With upturned eyes, she peered into Amane’s face, her cheeks flushed. “Yes, Amane, dear?” The sound of her softly saying his name like that nearly made him drop his mug with the coffee still in it. Generally, Amane thought of Mahiru as the embodiment of cuteness, but at the same time, she displayed a mature kind of beauty. Her faintly flushed face, sweet voice, and slightly embarrassed expression combined to give her an incredible appeal that made Amane feel like his mind was melting. There was no way he could not get excited. He could tell she wasn’t letting it show through on purpose, because she muttered bashfully, “That felt even more out of place than before, heh-heh,” but it was clear to him the look had more power because it wasn’t deliberate. “…That one’s harder on my heart somehow.” “Wh-what do you mean?” “W-well, um, how do I put this, uh…?” “Well?” “…It’s really… It sounds like you’re my wife or something.” He felt embarrassed to put it into words, but he had to say it. Mahiru had frozen, maybe because Amane’s words were so unexpected, and she seemed to be scrutinizing their meaning. The next moment, her face reached an instant boil, and she started whacking away at Amane’s upper arm. “…Don’t have such strange thoughts, please.” “I’m sorry.” Even Amane was aware he had said something fairly shocking, so he meekly apologized, and Mahiru said, “Good grief.” After slapping at Amane even more weakly than she had before, Mahiru started acting like she was puzzling over something. Contrary to his assumption that she was uncomfortable, he saw Mahiru had put on a somewhat amused, teasing smile, and he realized he had accidentally given Mahiru more material to play with. “…So talking that way makes your heart pound harder, Amane?” “If you do it enough, I’ll get used to it, I’m sure.” “Hmph.” Amane was absolutely certain she was going to weaponize it, and he gave her a warning. Mahiru, who seemed like she had been scheming just as he feared, didn’t even try to hide her dissatisfaction, and she stuck her lip out a little. “…So it’s best to use it occasionally, as a sneak attack, then.” “Now listen here, Miss Mahiru…” “I didn’t say anything!” It didn’t seem like she had given up on the idea at all, so he thought about pinching her all-too-comfortable-looking cheeks between his fingers, but Mahiru met Amane’s gaze and then lowered her own a little. Her eyelids trembled silently.
Chapter 181
22 min read