Chapter 176

Really, why is this happening now? Ever since Mahiru had heard about Amane’s encounter with her father, Asahi, and their conversation, that question had been swirling around in her mind, obstructing her thoughts. To Mahiru, the creatures known as parents were like a sort of apparition—she didn’t see them as being truly solid. She recognized them as the genetic donors who had created her, but she had absolutely no conception of them as the people who had raised her. Ever since she had been aware of things, the person who had taught Mahiru how to live, along with just about everything else, was the woman who was her housekeeper as well as her private tutor, Miss Koyuki. Not her parents. Even so, when she was young, she had wanted her parents to notice her, so she’d worked hard and approached them, but they hadn’t reciprocated. They had unambiguously rejected her. All they had done was give birth to her, then leave her on her own without even taking care of her, to prioritize the things they themselves wanted to do. That was Mahiru’s experience with parents. At the very beginning, she had wanted them to look at her, wanted them to love her, and she had desperately reached out for them, but there was no way they could know the despair she had felt on the day when she realized it was all futile. They didn’t have the first clue about how badly that had hurt her, and they had probably never even considered it. They also didn’t know about how, ever since then, Mahiru had been living with this terrible disappointment in her parents, while still holding on to a minuscule feeling of hope. She no longer cared if they knew. Though she had mostly given up on being loved, she clung to the possibility they might pay her some—any—attention like someone panning for the tiniest speck of gold in an enormous river. She’d known her hope was foolish, and yet she hadn’t been able to give up on it entirely, and she found it all a bit ridiculous. With Amane around, finally she had made it to the verge of no longer craving affection from her parents. “What does he want at this point?” The voice that came out of her mouth was intensely cold. Such an icy tone was almost impossible to imagine coming from Mahiru, given the angelic voice she used toward the majority of people and the normal voice she used with Amane. But to Mahiru, the individual who happened to be her father was no longer part of her inner circle or indeed a part of her world at all. He was simply a stranger. Mahiru didn’t know, and she didn’t want to know, what the person who had left all of his responsibilities up to Miss Koyuki and abandoned her without trying to make contact for over ten years was thinking or what he sought by making contact with her now. He can’t expect me to treat him like a parent now. It would be impossible for her to view him as a father when he had never done anything for her. As meager as it was, the one paltry defense Asahi had going for him was that he had never said anything abusive to Mahiru. In comparison to Sayo, he could be credited with that, at least. But when it came to ignoring Mahiru and everything she went through, he had been far more wicked than Sayo. Her father, Asahi, had never done anything no matter how Mahiru suffered, and he had ultimately just averted his eyes from anything inconvenient for him and immersed himself in his work, erasing Mahiru’s very existence from his mind. Her mother, Sayo, had shunned and rejected her, but she had at least recognized her daughter existed. When she thought about which one of them had actually been worse, Mahiru found she wasn’t really sure. The only thing she knew for certain was that she had no intention of trusting or accepting Asahi, who had appeared after all this time calling himself her father and scheming to make contact with her. I wonder what’s gotten into him. It was only natural for her to be on her guard, in case he was trying to exercise some kind of parental authority at this late stage. According to Amane, who’d actually spoken with him, he didn’t intend to cause her any harm, but supposing that were true, she didn’t know what he was after, so of course she was on guard. Perhaps Asahi himself had some appreciation of that, and that was why he hadn’t tried to contact Mahiru suddenly. As far as Mahiru was concerned, that gave her an even worse image of him, and it made her feel creeped out that he had hidden himself nearby and covertly investigated her life. Fortunately, what she had picked up so far about Asahi’s personality led her to presume he was not the controlling, tyrannical type, and he probably preferred not to rock the boat. Because of that, she reasoned that he wasn’t going to try to do anything to her. On the off chance Asahi did do something, if he tried to cause some kind of problem, Mahiru always had her diary that held a record of everything that had ever happened to her, plus her elementary and middle school teachers, who knew that her parents had almost nothing to do with her, as well as the testimony of Miss Koyuki, who had always been closest to her. If push came to shove, she would consider taking refuge in a children’s welfare center. She had told Amane her diary contained all the memories she had ever put down on paper, and while that wasn’t wrong, her other purpose for writing it all down was to serve as evidence that closely documented everything that had been done to her and her feelings about it. She wasn’t clear on whether what had happened to her so far constituted child neglect, but she expected that if her father’s business associates found out he was under legal scrutiny, it would affect his standing at the company. In order to protect herself, in order to protect her lifestyle, she had to be ready to retaliate however she could. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but… Mahiru didn’t want this to turn into a major incident. She wanted to keep living the way she was now, keeping her distance and having no contact with her parents. She wanted to know the intentions of her father, who had suddenly thrown her this curveball, but if having contact with him would destroy her current lifestyle, then she would rather not know. After all, Mahiru no longer needed her parents’ love. On a pragmatic level, she probably did need them financially. But she already had enough to cover college in her bank account, and since they had been transferring her a lot of money every month, as if they thought they could settle everything with money, she also had enough to cover her living expenses until she was about halfway through college. She had her bankbook, and her personal seal, and her accounts were in her own name, so they couldn’t meddle in her affairs. She had an unthinkable amount of money for a high school student, but that money was basically child support. It was akin to consolation money, intended to make up for their neglect. To Mahiru, her parents were no longer people from whom she expected any affection. They were more like objects of fear, who might threaten her way of living. She didn’t need them anymore. Even if they reached out to her at this point, she was no longer a child who would meekly grab on to them. She wasn’t hungry for their attention. Because Mahiru already found someone else to hold her hand. Just like always, when Mahiru went over to Amane’s place, he came out to greet her with a gentle smile. Even after the incident with Asahi the other day, Amane’s behavior hadn’t changed. Actually, to put it more accurately, he seemed more magnanimous than usual, and he was being extra thoughtful while pretending not to know that there was anything wrong. But he seemed to be trying not to let it show on his face. He wasn’t treating her with kid gloves, nor was he being insensitive. He was simply being calm and balanced in how he treated her, and at the moment, Mahiru was grateful for that. When she entered the living room at Amane’s urging, chilly air greeted her. She knew what temperature he usually had the air conditioner set to, so she was sure it shouldn’t have made the room so cool, but when she snuggled up close to Amane, feeling somewhat unpleasantly cold, he smiled a little and pulled her over by the hand and sat her down on the couch. As Mahiru sank into the cushions, and Amane took a seat beside her, she looked at him and noticed he was wearing his usual expression, but there was a tender look in his eyes. “Amane?” When she timidly called the name of the boy she loved, he answered her with a smile that was as gentle as summer sunshine. Under that smile, warm enough to make snow melt, she felt the haze that had been swirling in her chest begin to dissipate. Even so, the feelings that had bubbled up after the incident the other day didn’t just disappear. Ultimately, at the center of all that haze, there was something heavy and hard, like a lump that had been condensing there. It was like she had just remembered it existed and now she constantly felt its presence. “Yeah, what’s up?” he asked her back in a voice so soft, it would have once been unimaginable coming from him. Mahiru let her eyes wander, unsure how to answer. She hadn’t really wanted Amane to do anything in particular. But she wanted to be beside him, and she scooted over to him. “…It’s, um… Hold my hand, please.” She had thought about it and had made this small request. The only person who Mahiru wanted to hold hands with, the only one who was allowed, was Amane. Maybe she wanted to remind herself of that again. Though she hesitated a little when she asked, in response to her request, Amane put on a soft smile, and then took Mahiru’s hand in his. His slightly bony, somewhat clumsy, yet sturdy hands were the first ones she’d ever wanted to touch her. They were always gentle and careful. Just feeling those hands was enough to settle her down so much, she almost felt deflated. “Just your hand?” Amane asked gently but a little mischievously, as if to question whether she wanted to add on any other options. Mahiru cast her eyes downward, not sure whether she could presume upon him further. In the end, there hadn’t been any further contact from Asahi. Her normal daily life had returned, as if nothing had ever happened. Since she was just indecisively worrying over things on her own, she wasn’t sure whether it was all right to lean on Amane more than she already was, and she hesitated to say anything. Amane squeezed her hand a little, and his warmth gently left her side. She let out a little noise of protest, and in that same moment, a blanket was tossed over Mahiru’s head. “…You’re chillier than usual today, huh, Mahiru? Maybe I have the air conditioner up too high. Here, wrap yourself up in this blanket,” he said with a smile. Mahiru wasn’t yet completely chilled by the air conditioner, but he wrapped her body up in the blanket, put his arms around her back and under her knees, and lifted her easily, without any hesitation. He cradled her in his arms and set her right down into his lap. Mahiru blinked in surprise and confusion. As he peered down at her, Amane’s obsidian-black eyes narrowed affectionately. “Warmer now?” “…Yes.” Though she felt her face growing hot from the way Amane had shown he could carry her in his arms without any hesitation at all, she knew Amane had been very careful to not touch on the delicate fact that Mahiru had been struggling with all kinds of thoughts lately, so Mahiru smiled to make sure the heat in her cheeks didn’t leak out from the corners of her eyes. He probably thought her smile was a bluff, but she didn’t mind him thinking that. She was confident Amane would accept her even so. Though she heard a very slightly strained sigh from above, Mahiru didn’t look up at Amane’s expression; she simply pressed her cheek into his chest, which had grown sturdier in recent days. I’m no match for this. Amane had seen right through Mahiru’s scant bravado and noticed the anxieties she hadn’t been able to shake. Anticipating this, he had manufactured a situation where she wouldn’t protest. He’d made it so Mahiru could automatically feel at ease. Amane respected Mahiru’s wishes above all, and he wasn’t going to try to force her to tell him what was weighing on her mind. Mahiru let out a quiet sigh. Really, this is just another thing I love about him. Looking at her parents, Mahiru had once doubted the whole concept of a family. It was no wonder that, to Mahiru, the idea of a close family was a fantasy, one she doubted existed in reality, but—whenever she was looking at Amane, it really made her feel she had a family that loved and respected each other, someone with whom she could grasp hands and build a life together. She was desperately jealous of him—this boy who was raised in an ideal family. He was dazzling to look at. …Amane is the one. Mahiru, who had been born into a family that even a child could feel was worthless, had never much cared for the idea of spending her life with someone else or building her own family, But since meeting Amane, he’d taught her to have hope. Gently wrapped up in Amane’s tender love, Mahiru was reassured that, with this person, she could walk the path ahead and be happy. Having thought that far ahead, she realized that, when she really considered it, she was totally willing to have that kind of relationship with Amane in the future, and without meaning to, she wriggled a little in his arms. I definitely love him, and I never want to be apart from him again, but—! Those were undoubtedly heavy thoughts for a high school student. She knew perfectly well that the vast majority of normal high school romances only lasted so long, so it was probably a little, or maybe a lot, too serious to be thinking about setting her eyes on the future. Though she knew Amane also loved her deeply, and she could see he wanted to be with her for a long time, it was almost unreasonably serious of her to be considering marriage at this point. She groaned quietly, bewildered by the intensity of her own attachment and affection for him, but of course, Amane didn’t have any way of knowing the chaos that was in Mahiru’s heart, and he just gently stroked her back like he was worried about her. “…Um…Amane?” “Hm?” “…Isn’t it heavy?” He didn’t ask her what, but he was probably clever enough to know. After blinking several times at Mahiru’s question, Amane smiled like he found it funny. “You don’t need to worry about that; you’re not heavy. I have been working out, you know. Are you really that anxious about it?” “I’m not exactly anxious—” “You worry about the littlest things, Mahiru. You should quit worrying and let me spoil you for once. You can depend on me. Lean on me. If it helps you calm down even a little, I’ll take anything you dish out. You’re restrained about the funniest things.” Amane laughed.