Chapter 155

Although he felt like they had more hesitation about touching each other now than they had at the pool, that was probably unavoidable given the circumstances. They were clinging to each other in a perfectly private space, and on top of that, they both had already acknowledged certain things might happen. There was no way they wouldn’t be feeling self-conscious. For the time being, as he paid attention to these new developments, trying to ignore his other feelings, he hugged Mahiru tight, doing his best to gently wrap her up in his arms as he always did. Though he was briefly shaken by the smell of her shampoo, more potent than usual, it wasn’t enough to loosen his self-control. He set that thought aside as he tried to help Mahiru relax. The way he was holding her, only cradling Mahiru’s arms and making absolutely no contact with her torso, seemed like it would be enough to gently soothe her awkward stiffness. Mahiru leaned her head lightly against his arm to force him to snuggle, and then, after a brief silence, she sighed. The sound of their breathing echoed in the quiet bathroom. As the two of them listened silently to the splashing noise as droplets fell from the faucet and made ripples in the bathwater, their bodies slowly but surely heated up from the inside out. “…Um, Amane, aren’t you getting fed up with me?” While they weren’t talking about anything in particular, just snuggled up close together and quietly enjoying the pleasant feeling of the hot water, Mahiru timidly asked him a question. “…I…think this about myself, too, but I’ve been coming up short a lot and being really inconsistent lately… In everything I do.” “Oh, is that what you mean? I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I know you like me, and you’re trying your best, but sometimes your bashfulness gets the better of you.” “I wish you didn’t know all that, geez.” “I mean…” “If…if you know so much, then you understood my intention, and maybe that’s enough…?” Mahiru mumbled in an embarrassed voice as she let her words trail off and contracted in his arms again. Even Amane wasn’t so thickheaded that he didn’t understand what Mahiru was trying to say or what she was after. But he knew if he let his guard down, he might get carried away and do more than what Mahiru wanted. That was why he was restraining himself and being very conservative whenever he touched her. “…I’m honestly not confident I can control myself perfectly, so there’s going to be trouble if you rile me up too much.” “You say that, but you look like you’ve been perfectly calm this whole time.” “Not at all. Go ahead, see for yourself.” He was sure if she listened closely, there would be no hiding the violent drumming of his heart. Though hesitant, Mahiru turned around and shifted her position to face him. She put her ear against his chest, which had become a little more toned recently. At the moment, he kept a straight face and could explain away any redness by the fact that they were soaking in the bath. But the sound of his heart was the one thing he couldn’t fake. Mahiru blinked a few times as she listened to the pounding, faster than usual, then looked up. “See, I told you… Not calm at all.” He’d already gotten permission from Mahiru, who had said she wanted more intimacy, and she was his first girlfriend, and they were soaking alone in the tub together. He did want to touch her. He was dying to touch her. But more than that, he didn’t want to hurt Mahiru. And when he thought of their future, doing everything all at once didn’t seem like the best plan. “…I was sure you’d gotten completely used to me by now.” “As if! I want to touch you and do all sorts of things, but I’m holding back, that’s all.” “Th-things?” She must have imagined something because her face suddenly flushed. He smiled awkwardly at Mahiru and patted her head. She meekly let him do so. He slowly stroked her head, musing he could do this much without making her feel embarrassed. Then he traced his hand down the contour of her head and rubbed her cheek, tickling her with the tip of his finger. Mahiru narrowed her eyes and let her eyebrows droop as she melted into a pleasant smile. Then she closed her eyes entirely as if surrendering to Amane. Amane bit his lip when he saw that sweet yet seductive expression, which stemmed from her trust in him. Then he lightly held her chin in his fingers…and immediately let go. “Ah!” “…I can tell you’re getting dizzy.” If he could have, he would have liked to devour her lips. But she was already quite warm, and he was sure a kiss now would make her dizzy enough to knock her out. Neither of them were used to this level of intimacy, so it was possible their kiss would have gone on endlessly and they would have drowned together. He might have dissolved, self-control and all. He decided it was both physically and mentally dangerous, so he stopped short. But Mahiru looked disheartened as she responded, “…I see.” She seemed to have been expecting something else. Without meaning to, he smiled at her obvious disappointment, and Mahiru started slapping at his chest, so Amane suppressed the smile and slowly traced over her lips with the pad of his thumb. Her lips, far smoother and juicier than his own, started to tremble beneath Amane’s touch, and her mouth opened slightly. “…Disappointed?” he asked. “You’re a bully to ask me something like that, Amane.” Mahiru seemed to enter a sort of pouting mode after being teased, and after slapping his chest again, she turned her back toward him and sat back between his legs. Obviously, she wasn’t actually sulking, but when she hid her embarrassment like this, it wasn’t good to poke fun at her or let it go on too long. He quickly apologized and slowly wrapped her in his arms. He was hesitant, feeling both embarrassment and yearning, but he tried to shake free of both. With awkward movements, he wrapped his arms around her stomach and pulled their bodies closer until they were in full contact. Her back was mostly bare, so when they were tightly pressed together, skin to skin, a shiver ran through Mahiru’s body. The shiver was noticeable, and he knew why Mahiru reacted that way, but he couldn’t do much about that. After all, she also understood Amane’s situation and could tell what was going on with him. “It’s warm in here, huh?” “…Yes.” “Could we stay like this a little longer?” He tried to express with his tone of voice that he had no ulterior motives. When he embraced her as gently as possible, Mahiru obediently relaxed and entrusted herself to Amane. Feeling inwardly relieved she had given him permission, he loosely stroked her slender belly, and she wiggled ticklishly. Even discounting the effect of being in the water, she felt smooth and pleasant. Slender and trim, yet wonderful, soft like a girl should be. Mahiru didn’t seem to find his touch unpleasant, but she did seem conflicted about being touched on the belly and started smacking Amane’s arm with her fingers in protest. But she didn’t seem to be rejecting him, and soon, she was stroking Amane instead. Sending up little splashes as she exacted her modest payback on Amane’s arm, Mahiru kept her body weight leaning against him but turned a little to look back at him. “Amane?” “Mm, what’s the matter?” “Um…about what you mentioned earlier…” “Earlier?” “You talked about…kissing…” Amane wasn’t really one to talk, but Mahiru seemed to be pretty bad at getting direct statements out of her mouth, and he could hear a slight instability in her voice. “What about it?” “…A-after we’re out of the bath, you’ll do it—is that…what I can expect?” In reaction to Mahiru saying something so adorable, Amane squeezed her tightly and buried his cheek in her shoulder. When he did that, Mahiru started slapping his arm in a panic. “Wh-what’s this all of a sudden?!” “Come on, you can’t say such cute things. We both want the same thing, so you’d better prepare yourself for what’s gonna happen once we get out of the bath.” “Eh, uh…p-pretend you didn’t hear that, please!” Mahiru looked like she was getting ready to escape, having realized once she got Amane going, that was it. But he held her firmly yet gently so she couldn’t escape. “No way.” “Meanie.” “Yep.” He answered her in a calm whisper. Maybe because she couldn’t stand it any longer, Mahiru groaned as she murmured, “Dummy,” and vented her anger by forcefully pressing the pads of her fingers into Amane’s knees, which were to either side of her. Amane felt like if they clung closely to each other in the bath any longer, they would both get dizzy. So they decided to finish up their cuddling session and get out of the bath. Mahiru was going to do the rest of her nighttime routine in the bathroom, so Amane left first, to dry his hair in the living room and wait for Mahiru’s return. He briefly considered waiting without drying his hair and presuming Mahiru would do it to tease her. But after she had washed him in the bath, he had a feeling Mahiru would scold him if he did anything that might damage his hair, so he quickly dried it off. He also considered waiting in the bedroom. But if he did that, it seemed like he would end up greeting Mahiru with an impatient atmosphere and in a nervous state, so he stayed in the living room where they usually spent time together, trying to calm the pounding in his chest. In an attempt to avoid being more nervous than he needed to be, he turned on the television and started watching some pointless, unfamiliar program when he heard a sound from the hallway. For some reason, he felt embarrassed to even turn around, so he pretended he was still paying attention to the TV. Then he felt Mahiru’s presence standing beside him. At that point, he looked up for the first time and felt a little wave of relief. He’d had a persistent suspicion Mahiru might have put on some suggestive nightclothes, and that he might find his resolve tested once again. But Mahiru wore a pajama set consisting of a knee-length nightgown and a lace cardigan. The nightgown was made of overlapping layers of sheer material with a nice sheen and slip. It was thin, but he couldn’t see her torso through it, a design that didn’t make him uncomfortable. The nightgown was made to be held up by straps and had no sleeves. However, the lace cardigan she was wearing over it was only slightly transparent, and she wasn’t directly showing a lot of skin. Mahiru must have felt Amane’s eyes on her. She seemed to want to fold in on herself bashfully, but she didn’t try to hide. Instead, she gave him a questioning look. “D-does it look weird?” “No, it’s cute, and it suits you well. It’s different from what you wore at my parents’ house, that’s all.” “O-obviously it wouldn’t be good to wear clothes like these at your parents’ house, would it? And since you’re the only one who’s going to see me, I…made an effort, I guess.” Mahiru squirmed as she said that, then took a seat beside Amane, bringing her body flush against him. He sensed the feeling of the thin fabric and her fresh scent, sweet but not too thick, a little stronger than it had been in the bath. His body, which he’d thought had finally settled down, started throbbing again. Considering how he felt with her beside him, he knew she would smell even better if he embraced her. “Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I would do if you came out wearing some insane lingerie.” “Actually, I kind of held back a little.” “Now, listen—” “But, um, I—I worried if I overdid it, you might pull away.” Mahiru mumbled bashfully yet sweetly. If there were anyone on Earth who would be put off by how she looked, Amane would recommend they see an eye doctor. “…I wouldn’t pull away. I’d be happy you were wearing something for me.” “I—I wouldn’t wear something like that, you know.” “Well, you’re not.” “Do you want me to?” “Well, I mean, maybe someday…um, if you want to wear it. If you want to show that to me, then do it.” “…Someday…okay?” “Sure, someday… For now, you don’t have to force it.” He was sure Mahiru would look adorable, writhing with embarrassment, but he wouldn’t force her to wear anything she wasn’t sure about. For some reason, Mahiru looked like she had something to say when Amane meekly backed down. He cocked his head questioningly, and her voice sounded slightly sharp as she said, “It’s nothing.” Amane purposely didn’t pursue it and gently squeezed her hand. Just squeezing her hand like he always did made Mahiru stiffen momentarily. But without saying anything, Amane wrapped her up in a gentle hug, and that stiffness loosened. She leaned her head against his shoulder. Mahiru was close, not forcing herself against him, but snuggled up to Amane as if to say she wasn’t going to go anywhere, and it made Amane also shift his weight naturally to lean against Mahiru a little bit. It must have been getting late, because the variety show ended, and the newscaster’s dispassionate voice, which they could hear from the television, streamed into the living room. Half listening to that voice in an almost dreamlike state, unable to focus because of the pleasant warmth by his side, Amane moved his hand around Mahiru’s, intertwining his fingers with hers as if to say it would be hard to separate them as Mahiru seemed to want. Her slim fingers, thoroughly warmed through due to the bath, couldn’t escape and simply squeezed his back gently. “…Should we go on to bed?” The words came out naturally, and Mahiru silently and gently squeezed Amane’s hand. When they moved to Amane’s bedroom, still holding hands, Mahiru looked around. She had been in the room many times before, so there shouldn’t have been anything curious about it. Still, Amane figured that, given Mahiru’s personality, she probably hadn’t inspected the space all that closely before. Either that, or she had thought about what was coming next and was distracting herself to ease her nerves. Though he didn’t know Mahiru’s true intentions, he smiled slightly when she turned her gaze to the top of his desk. “…You’ve got the stuffed animal very neatly displayed, don’t you?” she asked, pointing at the stuffed cat she had acquired at the game center on their Golden Week date. It was probably somewhat out of place in Amane’s room, but since Mahiru had put in so much effort to get it and give it to him, he naturally thought it would be a shame and a waste to store it away, so he had set it there. He’d figured it would be fine since pretty much nobody ever went into his bedroom. But now it felt a little awkward to have the person who had given it to him point it out like that. “Well, I just wanted to make sure it didn’t get too dusty. I don’t hug it when I sleep or anything, like you do.” “A-are you making fun of me?” “What do you mean? Why would I make fun of you when you look so cute doing it? I’m happy you treasure my gifts.” Mahiru was really taken with the stuffed bear he had given her for her birthday the previous year, and apparently, she often held it while she was sleeping. That information had come from Chitose, who occasionally stayed over at Mahiru’s place, so it was probably slightly exaggerated. Mahiru must have been embarrassed to hear him talk about her sleeping with her stuffed animals because her eyes wandered a bit, and then her gaze turned somewhat sharp as if reproaching Amane. But when Amane gave her a frank compliment, that took the thorns out of her eyes, and she became incredibly shy. “…I’ve been taking good care of the one you gave me, Amane.” “Thanks… You didn’t bring it with you today, did you? The bear.” “Well, today I have you, so…” “…Yeah.” He wasn’t about to ask whether that meant she was planning to be the big or little spoon, but he was ready to let Mahiru hug him as much as she wanted to. Amane was also planning to touch Mahiru to his heart’s content. He thought they would get right to it, but Mahiru still stood beside the stuffed cat, so Amane’s eyes wandered over to the toy. Its big, empty, round eyes seemed to be drawing Mahiru in, and Amane felt like they were staring straight at them. He felt uncomfortable. Like a couple getting intimate while being watched by a child. He didn’t have that kind of relationship with Mahiru yet, so it was a sensation he hadn’t experienced before. But regardless, he felt something close to that. Without a word, he picked up a blanket that was lying on his chair and covered the stuffed animal. “…Is something wrong?” “Ah, w-well…I sort of…felt like we were being watched and couldn’t relax.” Even though Amane was perfectly aware they were not actually being watched by the stuffed animal, for some reason, he didn’t think it was good for what was about to happen—or rather, for what he was about to do to Mahiru—to be observed. Of course, Amane wasn’t planning to force anything to happen. Still, the thought of the intimate moments between lovers being reflected in those big, lifeless eyes made him nervous. “Heh-heh, so it was bothering you, too, Amane?” “Oh, shush.” “I find things like that about you cute, you know?” “That’s rich coming from someone who sleeps holding her teddy bear.” “I thought we finished that conversation earlier, geez.” Mahiru huffed angrily. When Amane smiled back at her, she seemed to get even more upset and started poking his side with her free hand. Of course, it didn’t hurt. Rather, the ticklishness only added to Mahiru’s cuteness. It was perfectly adorable. Mahiru was launching this cute counterattack to hide her embarrassment, but Amane was the only person against whom she would physically retaliate. When he considered he was the only person she would ever touch like this, he did not feel inclined to argue or resist her. Mahiru turned a slightly reproachful gaze on Amane, who still showed absolutely no reaction despite her direct attack against him, so Amane smiled calmly as he formed a loose fist and deprived her poking hand of its freedom. That is, all he did was entwine their fingers together so their palms were touching. Even still, after opening her eyes wide, Mahiru blushed faintly and lowered her gaze to the floor. He knew she didn’t dislike his touch, so as he gently squeezed her hand a few times, he tugged at her. Mahiru followed Amane’s lead without the slightest resistance and sat on the bed. At that point, as he might have expected, she lifted her head, and her eyes went a little wider, but Amane pulled his hand away, sat right down next to Mahiru, and took her into his arms. “…So is it all right if we pick up where we left off in the bath?” he asked. “Y-yes,” she replied, though he could hear a little awkwardness in her voice. He didn’t think she disliked it, but it was evident her nervousness must have returned. However, he also felt like he had come too far to stop, so Amane gently raised Mahiru’s chin and softly bit down on her lip. He didn’t know whether it was just because he had gotten a little bit used to this, but he didn’t feel the surge of passion and lust that usually immediately set his head ablaze. What did well up was a feeling of love so strong that he feared it would completely engulf him as if he could drown in it, and exaltation that warmed the inside of his chest. The urge to gently embrace her and cherish her was stronger than the urge to hurry things along, and he slowly, slowly, with gentle movements, put his lips over hers in a way he hoped would relax Mahiru’s nerves. Even though their lips were only touching lightly, it felt so good that they seemed as if they might melt together. He heedlessly kept pecking at her, enjoying the smooth feel of her lips, when he heard the faint sound of ticklish laughter. A voice only the two of them could hear and no one else. He wanted to hear more of that voice, and their kisses, which had only been superficial at first, naturally progressed onward and onward, becoming deeper and deeper until they embraced each other tightly, passions rising. They weren’t yet accustomed to kisses like this, where they were both so fired up. But even so, Mahiru was clearly eager to continue. When a sweet but hoarse sound seemed to get caught in her throat and escaped from the corner of her mouth, he felt indescribable excitement. He’d always been self-conscious about how naive he was, but now that things had turned out like this, his passion had been rapidly growing, and, as if his feelings were driving him onward, he had found new vigor. The stiffness in Mahiru’s slim body had already disappeared, and instead, she leaned helplessly against Amane as if all her strength had left her. The thought that her soft limbs were touching him through the thin fabric left him hopelessly in love and yearning. His hand was already reaching for her. When he moved the one hand that had been embracing her to touch her waist through her nightgown, it brought on a faint shiver only Amane, who was kissing her, seemed to notice. When he gently brushed her waist with his palm, that alone was enough to make Mahiru move and wriggle slightly, but she didn’t seem eager to escape. She simply accepted his wandering hand. More than anything, that fact threw fuel onto the fire inside him. With movements that were almost natural, as if he somehow knew what he was doing, his hand moved upward toward the soft parts there. But before his hand arrived, Mahiru suddenly leaned away from him. It was then that Amane realized what he had just been trying to do, and in a panic, he stopped kissing Mahiru’s lips and pulled his hand away. But when he did, Mahiru, still with a red and puffy face, buried her face in Amane’s chest so he couldn’t pull away from her entirely. He had at first assumed she was rejecting his touch, but her dainty hands were covering his. As if to tell him not to go anywhere. “…Um, I don’t…have any intention of changing my mind about staying over, so…” Her voice was a little muffled because her face was buried in his chest, but there was no doubt about what she’d said, and this time it was Amane whose body went stiff. Mahiru glanced up at him, and their eyes met. Her face was completely flushed, possibly because of the kissing, and she gave off a pleading air. Though her caramel-colored eyes were so damp that they seemed like they might overflow with sweet tears at any moment, she was nervously peeking at the movement of Amane’s hand. Without meaning to, she swallowed. It was almost certain Mahiru would let Amane continue what he was doing. Even if he tried to take from Mahiru that most precious thing, which she could only give away once, she seemed ready to offer it to him gladly. That was how much she trusted Amane and how much she loved him. Amane took great pride in that. He wondered if it was okay for him to respond to that trust and love. Conflicting feelings swirled around and around in his body. His desires, which impatiently urged him on, battled with his sincere love for her, and that internal conflict threatened to destroy his sense of reason. He let out a sigh, and Mahiru trembled. Since she was leaving everything about what was going to happen to her up to Amane, she was probably full of expectation and anxiety about where things were headed. In such scenarios, girls often had no choice but to take the passive role. Many had smaller, less sturdy bodies. If the worst were to happen, it would be the fairer sex that would suffer the repercussions. After he thought about that, Amane’s answer came out. “So, um…” “Y-yes?” “Speaking just for myself, I want to make you mine, Mahiru.” “…Yes.” She probably had no idea how much he had been looking forward to the day when he could be intimate with her. As much as Itsuki and the others teased him for his naïveté, even Amane naturally had urges, and he had even seen them in his dreams. Ever since they’d started dating, even though he felt somewhat guilty and uncomfortable about it, he’d even indulged in some wild fantasies to relieve some of the pressure. The fact that he’d been hesitant to extend a hand toward Mahiru despite all that had been because he’d had his eyes set on the future. “…But the thing is…well, I’m not old enough to take responsibility, and if anything happened, I think you’re the one who would have the most trouble. Well, of course, I would take responsibility, but it’s not like I can promise we’d immediately have a formally recognized relationship.” It was only one way for him to take responsibility. But legally, they could only get married after they turned eighteen. If they did the deed and Mahiru got pregnant, the child would be born while they were still in high school. Even if they were well-informed and took precautions during the act, that would only reduce the chances of something happening. It wouldn’t prevent anything for sure. If something happened, it would affect the rest of Mahiru’s life, and she would probably face a lot of cruel judgment. Mahiru would get hurt because of what Amane had done. Mahiru would have to give up on her dreams for the future. There was no way Amane could sacrifice Mahiru’s future to satisfy this momentary urge. “It’s because I care about you so much, Mahiru. I want to respect you. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of what you want to do with your future or keep you from studying what you want. When I consider the fact that I’m going to spend a long time by your side, I know it would be awful to ruin your life over momentary feelings and desires.” “…Sure.” “I’m prepared to walk through this life with you, Mahiru. But I…” “You don’t need to say anything more.” She cut him off as he was about to continue, and he was sure she would judge him and call him a loser. But Mahiru put on a cherubic smile that was awkward yet endowed with more joy than he had expected. “Amane, I understand that you respect me as much as anything and that you love me deeply. You treat me with such incredible care. I…I’m a really lucky person.” Mahiru smiled as if she was satisfied from the bottom of her heart. Then she kissed Amane lightly and smiled at him again, at point-blank range. “…And I love you the way you are, from the bottom of my heart.” This time, Amane was the one who planted a kiss on the darling girl, who was wearing a smile that overflowed with more happiness than any he had ever seen before. Then he embraced her small body again. “Will you wait for me until I’m able to take responsibility?” As if she understood from his touch the conflict Amane was feeling, Mahiru looked down slightly, then nodded bashfully and buried her face in his chest again. He was sure she could hear the noisy pounding of his heart. “Until then, I’ll be in your care.” Mahiru replied in such a gentle, content voice that it would have made anyone who heard it happy. Then she lifted her face half off Amane’s chest and showed him a smile full of joy. He embraced Mahiru again and whispered, “I’ll treasure you,” secretly savoring the warmth and softness of her body. Of course, he had no regrets about his decision. His desire to treasure Mahiru was not a lie. He was determined to spend his whole life by her side, making her happy. But his body seemed about to start complaining, so he hoped she would allow him just a little satisfaction. “…So, um…” “Yes?” “Can I say something pathetic?” “Go ahead. I’m ready to accept every part of the person I love, the cool parts and the pathetic parts, and any requests.” Even though he was a little disconcerted by how open-minded Mahiru was being, Amane kissed her neck, made up his mind, and opened his mouth to speak. “…Um, well…could I…touch you? Just a little bit.” He had no intention of going back on what he had said earlier. It would be unthinkable to break his vow. But his mind was going crazy with desire, and he wanted to be allowed to indulge it just a little bit. Mahiru blinked dramatically in surprise. Amane’s request seemed to have exceeded her expectations, and her face flushed red. But it wasn’t a look of rejection. It seemed to be a look of consent. After she looked up at him once bashfully, she lowered her eyes. “…J-just be gentle, please.” Amane was sure he was just being foolish to think he had heard some slight anticipation in her whisper of a voice. Even so, he relished hearing Mahiru accept his request. Then Amane gently tugged on her hand, and they collapsed together onto the bed.