From Hotaru’s perspective, things had been over between them for a long time. But the Dove District that couldn’t exist had brought them together again.
“Takumi-san…”
“Come on, let’s go home. You’re not meant to be in a place like this.”
“Takumi-san, please listen to what I have to say.”
“I will, after we go back home. To our home. I won’t let go of you twice. I’m taking you back with me, no matter what you say.”
“Please, just listen to me,” she pleaded. Tears streamed from his lifeless eyes as he reached a shaky hand out. She shook her head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, but I’m Hotaru now.”
“None of that matters. You’re my wife,” he insisted. He still clung to her, or rather to the woman she had been. He couldn’t let go of what was already long in the past and was left desperate to regain it somehow.
“Why are you going this far?” she asked.
“What do you mean why? I love you, I…I really, really loved you…”
She saw his desperation and, all too late, regretted what she had done. But that was why she needed to end things here, for good. He had always been there for her, but they couldn’t stay together any longer. He simply wasn’t meant to be in a place like this.
“I’ve always thought,” she began, “that you only saved me out of kindness.”
“No. I was happy to be the only one who would save you. I thought it meant we could be together forever.”
He didn’t try to reach his hand out to her anymore. Instead, he drew near and threw his arms around her. The embrace of others always felt so cold to her, but he had the proper warmth.
“I knew you didn’t love me that way,” he said, “but I was fine with that. So long as I could be with you—so long as you smiled—I’d have been happy.”
She’d thought he was trying to save her, a girl with no place to belong, under the pretense of making her his wife. But the truth was the exact opposite—he wanted to make her his wife so badly that he went so far as to offer her a life that lacked nothing. The two had misunderstood one another from the start.
“I’m sorry. I told myself you only ever saw me as a sort of little sister and never doubted it,” she said.
“That’s fine. I didn’t care if I was loved back. I just wanted you to be happy.”
“But you misunderstood me too, Takumi-san. I did love you.”
Even now, she still remembered the starry sky they looked up at. She’d left so much behind, but she still couldn’t bring herself to part with the star sand he had given her. He may have been no more than a brother figure from the neighborhood when she was a child, but time could change hearts. The little girl had grown up to find love.
“But then why did you leave…?” he asked.
“What I felt for you wasn’t love at first. But as the days passed, my feelings turned into love. That’s why I couldn’t bear to stay by your side any longer.”
She would only cause trouble for him if she stayed, so she left everything behind and became Hotaru, sleeping with different men every night with only the star sand to soothe her. That was who she wanted to become.
“I wanted to make you forget me and find somebody else to marry. To let you be happy.”
She wanted to become the worst kind of woman imaginable, one who was ungrateful for all the kindness he had shown her, so he could be left with no lingering regrets.
“But why? Just seeing you smile made me happier than anything,” he said.
There had been a fatal misunderstanding between the two. The happiness she thought he deserved was different from the happiness he actually sought. If only they had opened up more, then things might have ended differently.
“If you really love me, then let’s start over from here. Please stay with me. That’s all I want,” he said.
“I can’t, and I know you know why. Please, forget my foolish self.”
It was all far too late. Their only option now was to end things as cleanly as possible and maybe make one last beautiful memory. She pushed against his body. His arms went lax and dropped from her side. A distance appeared between the two again.
“I could never forget you. I want to be with you forever.”
“We can’t. I know your feelings are real, but I can’t stay by your side.”
With unfulfilled love in her heart, she spent many years alone and came out a little stronger and a little kinder than she’d been before. She looked at him, not as the girl she once was, but as a different woman.
“You’ve clung to my memory long enough, but you can’t let a dead woman weigh you down forever.” She bared her heart to the man she once loved.
“No. Stop it.”
“You searched for me the whole time, didn’t you?”
Takumi had looked for her from the very day she disappeared, but he hadn’t found her in time.
“I’m sorry. For not living long enough…and for not staying with you.”
A year before the Dove District met its end, there was a sex worker who passed away. Because her disease wasn’t infectious, she was allowed to work at Sakuraba Milk Hall up until her last moments. She never lived to see the end of the red-light districts.
That was why, though she could guess it was year thirty-four of Showa, Hotaru knew nothing of the Dove District’s end. She did not live to see it.
“I’m sure you would’ve insisted on marrying me even once you learned I was dying. That was why I wanted you to forget about me instead. I wanted you to remember me as a terrible woman who would spread her legs for money, not a wife who died before her time.”
It hurt her to stay with him. His father had examined her body and told her she didn’t have long to live. She hadn’t been afraid of death, but of dying in front of him. Not wanting to hurt such a kind man, she fled to where he wouldn’t find her.
She was sure her ungratefulness would be enough for him to hate her, but if by some chance he actually came looking for her, then he would only find a whore. That, she had been certain, would be enough for him to forget about her and move on.
“But even so,” he said, “even if this was all for me, I still want to be with you. Even if it’s just for a little longer.”
He was still haunted by the bygone days of the past.
What the young man had said was true: A grim fate awaited those entranced by spirits. Takumi would never move forward again if he kept clinging to the memory of the dead. That was why she needed to end things between them for a second time.
Because she had truly loved him, she would bring an end to their lingering regrets.
“Takumi-san. I loved you both as a kind brother figure and as the man who helped me. So don’t think to yourself that you could make me happy if you had another chance. I was already the happiest woman in the world with you.”
Her words were a half truth. The more she came to love him, the more it hurt her to be with him. But she would see this lie through to the end for the feelings of the man who gave her a place to belong. Surely God would forgive such a small white lie.
“It’s your turn to find happiness. I won’t be able to rest in peace otherwise.”
“No, don’t leave me. I still—”
“Thank you for loving me. You gave my unwanted self a place to belong. You were the one thing I could consider true.” This time she fully meant what she said.
The bottle of star sand was still in her hands. It would be enough for her to bid him farewell with a smile.
“Goodbye. Make sure you don’t fall for such a worthless woman next time.”
She showed him no tears, nor even tenderness. She ended things with a joke so he wouldn’t need to feel burdened as he moved forward again.
The stars still twinkled in the sky. The refreshing breeze was reminiscent of a night long ago. In the Dove District that shouldn’t have existed, the two parted for good under the same starry sky they once shared.