Why do I have to go through things like this?
I clutched at my chest in my shoddy, one-room apartment. It had been bothering me for a while now, but recently the pain had gotten a lot worse. I would have gone to the hospital, but I didn’t have the money.
My hand pawed helplessly at my chest, too weak to exert any force. The bruised arm reaching into my unwashed T-shirt was thinner than it used to be. I coughed up blood, staining the filthy futon I lay on.
“Why…is this…happening to me?”
I was in physical pain, but the mental anguish and the frustration I felt were no less painful. As they say, my life was flashing before my eyes. I was by no means a saint, but I had tried to live an honest life. I’d never committed a crime, and I’d lived as best I could according to the standards of virtue set by society.
I’d gotten a job like I was supposed to, gotten married as expected, had a kid, and bought a house. Yet I was now shouldering debt and working multiple part-time jobs. I paid child support every month, yet I’d never once seen my daughter since the divorce. According to my ex-wife, our daughter was finally starting to get along with her new husband, which was why she kept denying me visitation.
Meanwhile, the company I used to work for had fired me for having an affair and embezzling, neither of which I had done, and I’d had to get multiple part-time gigs just to survive. I’d never had an affair, and I’d never embezzled any money, but no matter how much I denied both claims, everyone around me treated me as though I were guilty. No one believed a word I said.
I’d never forget the despair I felt at the time. I was treated with such scorn by those around me that I had to wonder now if I really was to blame for it all. That was how much their words affected me.
And now, I’d hit rock bottom. I had so much debt that I would never be able to repay it, and I was living in poverty in a tiny room with hardly any belongings. Nearly every day, some thug or another came demanding I repay my debts, but I didn’t even remember borrowing any money. Still, for some reason, there were debts in my name that I was obligated to repay. Now that I thought about it, it was probably my ex-wife’s doing, but I didn’t have the funds or the energy to talk to a lawyer about it.
At some point in the last few years, without realizing it, I’d started to waste away. I looked a lot older than I actually was. Every time I glanced in the mirror, I seemed to be on the verge of death.
“What did I do? Just where…where did I go wrong?”
Every time I coughed, I spat up more and more blood. It looks like this is the end. Overwhelmed with all this frustration, I was just relieved that it would finally be over.
That was when it happened.
A man in a striped tailcoat appeared beside my futon. He stood on my dirty tatami floor in his shoes, a traveling bag in one hand.
“Good evening. And what a lovely evening it is.”
I shifted my gaze, and in my hazy vision, I saw a man with a top hat in one hand greeting me. His eyes were hidden in shadow, so all I could see of his face was his mouth. He was tall and thin, looking down at me from above.
Something about him didn’t seem real. The brim of his hat and the ends of his tailcoat moved strangely, and though he wasn’t on fire, he was emitting a peculiar smoke. I doubted he was of this world.
“What are you, some sort of ferryman?” I asked, my voice hoarse and weak. It hurt my chest just to talk. I didn’t have the energy to scramble away in fright, nor did I plan on it. All I felt was a sense of resignation and the hope that I would finally be free from my suffering.
Then I remembered something. Many years ago, I’d heard that when you died, an old pet from your past would come to guide you away. I’d had a dog long ago, but it hadn’t come to meet me. Guess that was just made up—or I wasn’t a good owner. If I had one regret, it was that my dog hadn’t been the one to come get me.
The man knelt down beside me, drawing closer, but I still couldn’t see his face above his mouth. The corners of his lips lifted into a crescent-moon smile, as though he were laughing at me.
“True, I am a ferryman in a sense, though I’m not taking you where you think I am. The truth is, I’m here to send you to a different world. Therefore, you can just call me your Guide.”
“A d—ff—wor—!” I started coughing, and the man snapped his fingers.
I was shocked to find that the view in front of me had completely changed. I saw a man in an expensive suit having dinner with my ex-wife in a fancy restaurant. The meal set before them looked delicious, as did the alcohol they were drinking. I hadn’t had anything like that in years.
That wasn’t what shocked me, though. How could I be witnessing this scene that floated before my eyes? I wondered if I was dreaming, but the pain in my chest felt as real as ever. And it wasn’t just physical pain: there was pain in my heart as well. I also heard the conspiratorial conversation the two were having.
“You’re a real piece of work, aren’t you? You foist all that debt onto your ex-husband, and you make him pay child support too. It’s not even his kid.”
Clearly it was me they were discussing, but I couldn’t believe what they were saying. No, I didn’t want to believe it.
“It’s fine. Legally, it’s his kid, and child support is a parent’s duty, isn’t it?”
I struggled to wrap my head around it. What was my ex-wife saying? In the past, she had been kind, even naive, yet here she was talking about deceiving me with a nasty smile on her face, like a completely different person. Like a different person, but unmistakably my ex-wife.
“Women instinctively seek out men with superior genes to have children with. I didn’t need a kid with a man like him; I just needed him to make me some money. Actually, he should be grateful since I allowed him to marry me. He was only ever worth that much.”
The man seated across from her seemed exasperated by her words, but his expression also suggested he was enjoying it.
“Women are scary.”
“You’re the one who made me this way, aren’t you?”
Watching them only made my chest hurt more. Rage bubbled up inside me at this scene and at the Guide who’d revealed it to me.
“Oh, don’t be angry. I only showed you this because I wanted you to know the truth. It makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s not an illusion—this is something that’s occurring right now.”
When I thought about it, it did start to make sense. Until now, I had closed my eyes to it under the impression that I was merely overthinking things.
“You have a truly good heart, enduring a life like this and still working hard to repay her debt and pay child support. Yet all this time, it was nothing but lies! Can they really get away with such evil? In response to these injustices, I’ve prepared a little present for you.”
The man merrily removed some pamphlets resembling travel brochures from his leather bag.
“You’ve been very unfortunate in this life. In your next life, wouldn’t you like to be happy? What do you think? How would you like to be reborn in a different world?”
A different world? I could barely process what he was saying, I was so full of rage and frustration toward my ex-wife. My chest throbbed again, and I spat up more blood. I realized something else then too.
“W-was the embezzling also—” I asked, regarding my former job, and the Guide nodded.
“Yes, that’s right. That was your boss, who framed you for his crime. You did nothing wrong.”
I get it now. What a fool I’ve been. I was deceived over and over again.
“You’ve worked so hard that your body gave out on you, and here they are, enjoying a decadent meal together. It’s just horrible, isn’t it?”
I gripped my futon. What had been the meaning of my life? Why was it ending this way?
“Revenge… Let me take revenge. I can’t…let them get away with it. I want revenge…on all of them.”
My tears of frustration felt endless. Even they were bloody now. Why was this my fate? What had I done to deserve it? I cried at the state of my body, which could barely move anymore. I would never be able to take revenge like this.
For a moment, the Guide’s smile grew even wider, but it swiftly vanished. It didn’t seem as though he would grant my wish.
“Unfortunately, your life is at its end. All I can give you is the gift of a happy second life. This one has been cruel to you, but your next life awaits. I’m afraid you’ll have to give up on revenge.”
“N-no!” I squeezed out, barely able to utter the word.
At this point, no matter how much I suffered, I just wanted to make them suffer too. I would do anything for that—anything!
Yet the Guide just shook his head. “All you can choose is what sort of world you’d like to live in next. Go and be reincarnated in the world you desire. A happy life is waiting for you this time.”
I sobbed in vexation.
The Guide held out his pamphlets like a magician asking me to choose a card. One of the worlds he offered was a place of swords and magic, another a place just like Earth but with the existence of superpowers. In yet another, the landmasses floated in the air with the clouds. None of them really spoke to me except for one with a humanoid machine and a space battleship on its cover. I reached out to this pamphlet, my consciousness hazy. When my bloody fingers touched the brochure, the Guide began his explanation.