Chapter 5

The following morning. In my room. In my bed. I awoke from a horrible nightmare. A vision that terrified me half to death. In the dream, the soldiers found out about my physical weaknesses and killed me. They dropped me into a big pot of boiling water as I screamed and wailed. They were so mad at me. After all that worshiping, they felt as though I’d betrayed them. After boiling me for about ten minutes, they crisped me up in hot oil and served me as fried chicken at the dinner table. I saw a pretty girl licking her lips as I was served, and I’m pretty sure it was Vill. That sicko maid, who ignores every one of my orders… With a smirk on her face, she skewered me with a fork and gulped me down into her belly… “Good morning, Lady Komari.” “Whaaat?!” I whirled around in terror to find something that totally shocked me. Vill had burrowed her way into my blankets. Though I tried to scramble away from her, she locked her arms around my midsection and held me tight. “Wh-what the heck are you doing here?!” “Don’t you remember? You asked me to sleep on the floor beside your bed. Ah, just remembering how we tussled last night sets my loins ablaze!” “I don’t recall asking any such thing!” “Ooh my!” As I leaped out of bed, backing the deviant maid against the wall by her neck, as mad as a hissing cat, I suddenly realized she was stark naked! Agh! She really was a sicko! “You… What have you been doing to me?!” Vill gave me an impish smile. “Thank you. It was most delicious.” I felt a chill go down my spine. I would rather have been turned into fried chicken than this. “Oh dear, you’re shivering. I can warm you up if you’d like…” “N-no thanks! Put some clothes on! You’ll catch a cold!” “Aren’t you interested in girls?” “Girls? Yeah, sure. But why are you asking that now…?” “Oh, you do? I’m so glad.” Vill smiled, seeming pleased about something. I got the feeling we were totally misunderstanding each other in ways that could prove dangerous, but I didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was probably just my imagination anyway. She jumped back on the bed then did a quick twirl. All at once, she was dressed in her maid outfit again, like a magic trick. “So answer. What are you doing here?” Vill jumped off the bed with a flounce. “I came to share the act of love with you, Lady Komari…” “Enough of that already!” “I came to have sex with you, Lady Komari…” “I wasn’t asking you to remove the euphemism!” It was far too early in the morning for such bawdy talk. Having to chastise her was also pretty draining. Anyway, I just wanted to move past this. “Answer me. What are you doing in my room?” “I have two reasons.” Vill put up two fingers. “The first is because I am your personal maid, Lady Komari. Waiting on you hand and foot morning, noon, and night is my job.” “You really don’t need to bother.” “The second reason is because I’m desperate to learn all I can about you, Lady Komari! The article in this morning’s paper was very enlightening, and I couldn’t wait to see you. So I broke down your door to get inside.” “You…broke down the door?!” Looking over at the entrance to my room, I noticed for the first time that the doorframe was empty and the door itself was lying in several pieces on the floor. This was a blatant case of breaking and entering! That was a crime! Okay, I wasn’t going to think of her as a sicko maid anymore. She was getting an upgrade. Now I was going to think of her as a sicko, criminal maid. “Lady Komari, never mind the door. Take a look at the newspaper. See, there’s a photo from yesterday.” “Are you insane?! Who cares about that when—” As my eye fell on the newspaper that Vill was holding out to me, the door completely left my mind. I couldn’t comprehend this. It was unbelievable. I was on the front page. It was my beautiful face, the same one I saw in the mirror every morning. And the article itself read… NEWEST CRIMSON LORD SPEAKS: “I’LL TURN THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO OMELET RICE” The newest Crimson Lord of the Mulnite Empire, Terakomari Gandesblood, pulled off a stunning victory as supreme commander during the battle against our neighbors of the Lapelico Kingdom on the eighth day of this month. Gandesblood inherited her position on the seventh day of this month from her predecessor, Augus Nuppaiyer, who was himself slain on the second day of this month… Blah, blah, blah… The defeated commander of the Lapelico Kingdom’s forces, Commander Hades Molekikki, had this to say when we caught up with him: “I do not accept this defeat. She’d better be watching her back.” According to our sources, a revenge match has already been discussed. In her victory speech, Commander Gandesblood said the following: “I love omelet rice. I’m going to wipe out all the commanders of the other five countries, and then spread ketchup all over the world as if it were a giant omelet all for me!” Her choice of words speaks to a bloodthirsty nature, which… Blah, blah, that’s enough reading. This was dreadful reporting! This was…this was FAKE NEWS! What was wrong with that demented journalist?! I only said that bit about liking omelets over rice as a favor to her, an extra tidbit of Komari info! That wasn’t some kind of coded message! Way to jump to conclusions! “How photogenic you are, Lady Komari. You look like a very naughty Empress.” “That article is a disaster! It makes it sound like I’ve declared war on all the other countries!” “Indeed, it does. You had better watch out for that chimpanzee fellow. After all, this is a national paper. And you basically announced that you have evil intentions toward everyone.” “Aaagh!!!” Clutching my head, I flopped back onto the bed. The heck?! Just when I was starting to think I would be able to enjoy three sweet months of quality shut-in time…that blasted rag! Now all the other countries would be vying for my blood and declaring war! Ugh! The press SUCKS! “Don’t worry, Lady Komari. I shall guard your chastity.” “You’re more of a threat to my chastity than anyone else is!” Vill had somehow wormed her way back onto the bed beside me. I gave her the mightiest shove I could muster and managed to push her off. Then I pulled the blankets over my head and tried to dissociate from reality. I was not going to participate in any more wars. I’d made up my mind, and nobody could force me. I was just going to stay here in my little blanket fort and shut out the world forever.