Chapter 3

“Release me! I hafta go pee!” “No time for urinating. Listen to what I’m saying, please.” “I’m gonna pee my pants! You want to just let that happen?!” “You can listen to me while you’re wetting yourself. I have no issue with that.” “You…you sick pervert!” “No one is watching. Feel free to let it flow.” “You’re watching!” What the heck was wrong with her? Maybe she really was some kind of sicko trying to snatch me away. It would make sense. After all, I’m a total knockout beauty (that’s what Daddy says to me every day, so I know it’s true). “There’s no time. Just settle down, please.” “No way! You’re here to abduct me, aren’t you? Since I’m so incomparably gorgeous and all?” “Sorry, but have you ever heard of modesty?” As the girl and I continued our tug-of-war, someone else spoke. “Unhand her now, Vill.” A low voice resounded from the hallway. Relieved that someone had come to save me, I turned to find a tall vampire standing there, dressed in a black coat. He took a step inside my room. Yes! Daddy! Tell her off! She’s a sicko pervert maid who’s trying to kidnap me! As I tried to communicate all this to him with my eyes, the girl immediately released me. “Waah!” I fell flat on my face, sliding across the floor. Ouch. That stung. My eyes were filled with tears, and I couldn’t see. The sicko maid completely ignored me and bowed her head low before Daddy. “My deepest apologies, Lord Gandesblood. Lady Terakomari was quite reluctant, so I’m afraid I had to use force to bring her along.” So she was trying to kidnap me! “Try to be gentler with my daughter. Everyone knows she’s a serious shut-in.” “Ah, indeed. She’s a dedicated homebody.” Could everyone stop calling me a shut-in right to my face? It’s so rude. Besides, I’m the kind of recluse who could go outside if I really felt like it. I stay in only ’cause I have zero reason to go out. Why, I could go and hitchhike around the whole world by myself if I wanted. “Now, Komari. Are you hurt?” As I struggled to my feet in an undignified manner, Daddy approached with arms spread wide in a grandiose gesture. He even dusted me off and patted me down, which did nothing for my self-worth. If he wasn’t my dad, he would have been carted off to prison for manhandling me that way. “Hmm. You seem all right, but should we take you to the doctor for a checkup? It would be terrible for anything to happen to such a knockout beauty, after all.” “Er, no thanks. I’m fine.” “Are you really okay, Lady Terakomari? Do you feel any strangeness at all around the stomach region?” I scowled at the girl. Her sympathy was the last thing I wanted. But then I quickly remembered. Oh yeah. That weird pattern on my belly. It was still super itchy. Quick as a flash, the sicko maid reached out and peeled back my top. “Oh dear. You mustn’t scratch it like that! You’ll ruin that silky skin!” “Don’t just pull my shirt up without asking, you perverted maid!” I knocked her hand aside and quickly retreated three steps. She simply stared at me with her ice-cold eyes in response. Creepy. She had a super-threatening aura. “Daddy! What’s her deal?!” “This is Villhaze, and she’s going to be your personal maid starting from today. She’ll do whatever you say, Komari, so use her well.” Whatever I say? But when I demanded to be released from her headlock, she just completely ignored me. “I don’t need a maid. Especially not one as creepy as her!” “It doesn’t matter what you say, Komari. These orders come straight from the Empress. You’ll just have to put up with it.” “The…Empress? What are you talking about?” “Allow me to explain.” The weirdo maid took a step forward. “Lady Terakomari, do you know of the Crimson Lords?” “Um, yeah, but what’s that got to do with anything?” The Crimson Lords. The seven mightiest vampires in all the land, the mightiest and most exalted figureheads of the Imperial Army. But what did they have to do with this? “Now you are one of their number, Lady Komari.” “Say what now?” “Congratulations! It’s very impressive indeed to be appointed as a Crimson Lord at just the tender age of fifteen!” “Just hold on a sec… Why? And how?” “Well, your father pulled a few strings…” That’s when Daddy started to smirk in this totally gross way. “Komari, you mentioned something before about wanting to find employment, didn’t you?” My heart pounded in my chest. “Um, did I?” “Oh yes, I remember it well. It was during last year’s Christmas party. Lolo asked you if it wasn’t about time you got a job, and you said…” “Employment, huh…? Of course, I understand the importance of labor. But I have a rare, scholarly intellect. There aren’t too many jobs out there that are suited to me. Though if there was one, I guess it would have to be Empress of Mulnite, right? Yeah, I wouldn’t mind working if I could be the Empress. That would be a sweet gig.” I felt my cheeks growing hot. Now that Daddy had brought it up, I think I remember saying something like that. “Ah, I was so moved to hear you say that, daughter dearest! My introverted Komari! My little shut-in! My daughter, who has been holed up in her room for three long years, finally showing some initiative toward work at long last!” How could I have even responded to that? To be completely honest, I’ve never had the slightest inclination toward actually working. Sure, I might have been shooting my mouth off at the Christmas party and said something like, “I wouldn’t mind working if I could be the Empress, heh-heh,” but that was just because I was drunk. Yeah, intoxicated. On, uh, apple juice. “Y-yeah. You’re right. I did say that. But what about it?” “Well, not too long ago I went to see the Empress and asked if she wouldn’t mind abdicating so you could have your turn on the throne.” Have you lost your mind?! “But I’m afraid to say that put her in a very bad mood indeed.” Obviously. “But I hung in there, Komari! Anything for my little girl.” Please, Daddy! Don’t go taking crazy, unsolicited risks like that just for me! “Anyway, I explained to the Empress what a genius you are. About that ‘rare scholarly intellect’ you’re always telling everyone you have. About how you lock yourself up in your room all the time meditating and ruminating, totally ignorant of society. And of course, about how you’re a bombshell for the ages. And when I laid all that out to her, the Empress was very impressed. In fact, the exact word she used was ‘fascinating.’” Fascinating?! I’d never been so insulted! “In other words, the Empress is all aboard the Komari train now. But obviously it’s not proper procedure to hand over the throne to a young lady who hasn’t even been fully evaluated yet. So this is where your tenure as a Crimson Lord comes into play.” The sicko maid nodded along. “It is exactly as Lord Gandesblood says. Mulnite Empire tradition dictates that only someone with a distinguished military record can be crowned. Furthermore, serving as a Crimson Lord is an essential prerequisite for the position. Thus, you have been assigned a member of the Seven Crimson Lords so that Her Highness can evaluate your abilities. Incidentally, I have also been assigned to assist you as your personal maid. I am pleased to make your acquaintance.” My head was spinning. The Crimson Lords. I knew about them. They were an elite group of absolute war demons who slew other races in the Dark Core Zones all around the world. But I’m a peace-and-justice-loving vampire. There was no way I’d fit in with that band of barbarians. I was completely unfit for that sort of work. Duh. This conversation was completely beyond me. Also, I really needed to pee. So I decided to ignore the both of them and head to the little girls’ room. On my way out, though… “Hold on!” Horrifyingly, the sicko maid dropped to her knees and grabbed me around the thighs. “I am your personal maid, Lady Terakomari, sent to aid you during your military rule! Please, please say you’ll join the Crimson Lords! Otherwise, I’ll have no reason to live!” “G-get off me! Stop shaking me! You want me to pee on you?!” “I am your personal lady-in-waiting, Lady Terakomari! I am honored to accept your urine!” “What?! Daddy! Help me!” “But Vill here is an exemplary servant, the perfect fit for someone with your exceptional level of intelligence. She’s going to help you get ahead in life, Komari.” “The only place I want to get to right now is the bathroom!” “Please, Lady Terakomari, I beg you to join the Seven Crimson Lords and become a Crimson Lord!” “Never! Never, never, never!” I gave the sicko maid my fiercest “don’t mess with me” look. “In fact, let me take this chance to say this! I’m going to become a novelist! In fact, I’m working on several novels right now! I’m just going to stay right here in my room and write a whole bunch of stories, without going outside and without dealing with other people! Me, seeking employment? I was clearly just paying lip service! You actually took me seriously? How dumb are you?!” It wasn’t until I’d already finished ranting that I realized… Realized that both the pervert maid and Daddy were staring at me with flabbergasted expressions. I felt a pang of regret. Being a shut-in for so long can make a person’s mind a little loopy, I guess. The way I used to be, up until a few years ago…I would have never yelled at Daddy. The mere prospect would have seemed absurd. “S-so anyway…the point is, I’m not becoming a Crimson Lord. No way.” “But…” “Just…get off my back!” “But, Lady Terakomari, if you don’t join the army as a Crimson Lord, you will be fated to die by explosion…” “…What?” What did she just say? Blowing up? Me? “Vill is right, Komari.” Daddy was gazing at me, brows knitted with concern. “It’s compulsory to make a contract with the Empress in order to join the Crimson Lords… This contract stipulates that, in exchange for partaking in the perks of the Crimson Lord status, you swear your complete fealty to the Empire. And if you break that contract for whatever reason, you’ll magically combust…” “Er, but I don’t remember signing anything…” “She snuck in late last night to do it.” “…Who did?” “The Empress. She sealed the contract with a kiss while you were sleeping, Lady Komari.” “Whaaat??!!” A smooch? Are you freaking kidding me? Like on the lips?! Okay, yes, a kiss is a classic magical contract sealer, we all know that, but how messed up it is to sneak in and do that while someone’s sleeping?! “…Wait a minute! Sealing magic should only be binding if both parties agree! I don’t recall consenting to anything!” “Your father accepted on your behalf, as your representative.” “Daddy! How could you?!” I turned and started pummeling him with my fists, but he just laughed. Oh, ha-ha-ha you colossal idiot! Now it was all coming together. The weird symbol that had appeared on my stomach was proof of the contract. Unbelievable. Talk about a violation! I could totally sue for this! “This is the worst thing ever. My life is completely over!” “Lady Terakomari, please accept a personal letter from the Empress.” The weirdo maid handed me a gaudy, ostentatiously designed sheet of stationery. I quickly scanned it. Komari, I have decided to appoint you to the Crimson Lords. It has already been settled by blood oath. At this juncture, you have no way of defying my orders. If you do not wish to be blown to bits, you will take up your position in the Crimson Lords and do your utmost to impress me so that you may succeed me as the next Empress. Your potential as supreme commander and Crimson Lord aside, I must admit that I have already evaluated your looks most highly. You are indeed the most beautiful girl in the whole empire. Simply watching you as you slumbered gave me full-body tingles. By the way, I have heard the rumors that you are loath to imbibe blood. This is highly irregular for a vampire. Still, I have made allowances for this odd circumstance. Instead of exchanging blood to seal our agreement, as is tradition, I instead shared my saliva with you, by way of a kiss of the extremely juicy variety. This is exceptionally special treatment indeed, so you should savor the lingering taste of my noble spittle upon your lips. See that you comprehend the honor it is. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! “Isn’t that nice, Lady Terakomari?” “It is not nice! It gives me the creeps! I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet…” “Well, it was as good a time as any, and now you can join the Crimson Lords. Oh, you’re going to be such an exalted member of society! I’ll be able to puff out my chest with pride and brag about my daughter now!” Daddy was roaring with laughter, but it sounded far away and muffled to my ears. Supreme commander. Crimson Lord. Why did I have to take up such a violent vocation, of all things? If I simply had to have a job, why couldn’t it have been a more peaceful one? Like working in a cake shop or something… “Congratulations, Lady Terakomari. Now, let’s dive straight into your upcoming schedule. First, you have an audience with the Empress two hours hence. Afterward, you’ll be meeting your subordinates for the first time. Tomorrow, you have your first battle with the neighboring Lapelico Kingdom. And then after that…” The sicko maid was grinning as she reeled off the itinerary they’d prepared for me. None of her words made any sense to me. Why? Why was this happening to me? I never should have said all that stuff about wanting to become the next Empress. And how did Daddy manage to convince the current Empress to consider me anyhow? Even his connections shouldn’t have stretched that far. Could it be blackmail? Daddy, no! But ruminating on it wasn’t going to change anything. This was my current reality now. Stark, harsh reality. All those years I’d spent desperately trying to avoid real life had caught up with me at last. With a vengeance. “Noooo!!!” My last vestiges of self-control abandoned me as I fell to my knees and wailed in despair. But only for a moment. I still had to pee, after all. I quickly got to my feet and scuttled off to the bathroom. This time, no one tried to stop me. One hour later. “Hey, you. Whatsyername. Villhaze.” “You can just call me Vill.” “Oh, okay… In that case, you can just call me Komari. Everyone in my family calls me that.” “Certainly, Lady Komari.” “Um… Anyway, Vill…how many subordinates am I getting? Like five?” “Five hundred.” I almost fell on my butt. Not only was that a big number to process, but the bright sunlight was also making me feel dizzy. I hadn’t been in the sun in a long while. “Ugh, it’s far too bright outside.” “Oh, Lady Komari! Please, hang in there! I am escorting you right to the bathroom.” “Why the bathroom of all places?!” “Because you seemed to want to go so very badly.” “I already took care of that!!!” An hour had passed since the sicko maid came crashing into my life. Oh, reality was truly unbearable. I kept pinching my cheeks, hoping this might just be a dream after all. But all that did was make them sore. No, this was real life, my idiotic fate…to join the Crimson Lords under orders from the Empress, on pain of being blown up. Okay, so I probably deserved it on some level, but wasn’t this all just a bit too cruel?! I clutched the hair on my temples in despair. “Ohhh! I don’t want to be a commander in the army!” “Well, do you want to die?” “No…but…” Of course I didn’t wanna die. That’s why I was outside in the first place. Let’s go back an hour. Realizing there was no way I could dodge my impending military service, I announced the official end of my shut-in period in front of all the servants, who broke into uproarious applause. Even Daddy was bawling. My elder sister and brother appeared from who knows where and started congratulating me. Despite my despair, I actually started to feel a tiny bit pleased, maybe even moved. Although hearing my younger sister—who had also shown up to wish me well—mutter “Is Big Sis Koma gonna die?” was going to stick with me for a while. Don’t jinx me like that. Daddy explained what was expected of me. It was only one thing. “Every three months, you must do battle with one of our enemy countries and emerge victorious.” That was the minimum duty expected of a Crimson Lord, and if I couldn’t manage that, I would automatically explode and become a star in the heavens high above. It was all so cruel that I couldn’t help bawling a little. But there was an additional clause as well. “If you can win a hundred battles, then you will earn the right to stand as the heir apparent to the Empress.” Right now, that part of the deal meant less than nothing to me. “Please, let us make haste. There are only twenty minutes until your audience with the Empress.” I quickly swung myself up the steps of the horse carriage Vill had called for. I hadn’t ridden in a carriage in, like, three years. Actually, I hadn’t even been outside the house in that entire time. Unused to physical exertion, I couldn’t suppress heaving a huge sigh as I stumbled over and flopped down on the seat. Then we drove for a while before arriving at our destination. I gazed up at the Imperial Palace for the first time. Under the circumstances, it looked creepy and foreboding in its splendor. Our house was pretty big, to be sure, but it seemed tiny when compared to this sprawling castle. After announcing ourselves to the guards, they smoothly escorted us to the audience chamber. Oh yikes, now I was getting really nervous. “Aha! Welcome, welcome, Komari! As lovely as ever, I see!” The Empress leaped lightly off her throne and came bounding toward me, a huge grin plastered on her face. She resembled a young girl around the same age as me, with distinctive bright blond hair. But I knew better than to let her angelic looks deceive me. The Empress was a true demon who’d slain countless enemy commanders during her time in the prior generation of Crimson Lords. Even worse, she was a notorious lady lover, who, upon seeing a cute girl, would defy all laws of decency and decorum and immediately start groping her. Yes, she was a witch! A sapphic witch! And…whoa! She was all up in my business! Too close! Back off! Oh gosh, she really is a pervert! “Komari, darling! I am so happy to meet you at last!” Her nose was less than an inch away from mine. I could feel her breath on my cheeks. She smelled sweet. Her eyes were the color of moonlight. I felt a strong urge to run screaming, but that might have been misinterpreted as lèse-majesté, which could have earned me a spot under the guillotine. “Uh, excuse me, Your Majesty, but don’t you think you’re a bit too close?” “What’s wrong with an Empress and her top commander being close?” “Uh, I don’t mean that, I meant in terms of physical proximity…”