“That was a master class, the way you broke inside. Though I suppose it was only possible thanks to the way I distracted the guards.”
“Wait, you did what? Damn, I had no idea.”
“They couldn’t stop glancing at me! They’d couldn’t get enough of my T and A!”
“Huh? For real?”
“I mean, even men like that know better than to stare. Instead, they get all hot and bothered as they steal furtive peeks. They’re in a constant battle with their logical sides that tell them not to look.”
“Shit, that totally went over my head.”
“How did you match my timing, then?”
“I followed my gut.”
“That’s honestly kind of impressive. But next time, I’ll come up with some sort of signal to use…”
The two of them had been helping out with Klaus’s mission as part of their training.
Judging by their pleased expressions, they’d been successful. Sybilla was in high enough spirits to spray Thea with warm water from a showerhead, and for all of Thea’s purported indignance, she was smiling, too.
Sara watched the two of them with envy.
“Dreamspeaker” Thea had once won over reporters and the Mafia and built a secret society all but overnight.
Meanwhile, “Pandemonium” Sybilla had tangled with a member of the CIM’s leadership and successfully pulled the wool over his eyes.
The two of them had improved even more during their time in Fend.
Sara knew that was something to be celebrated. The two of them had privately put in the hours to avoid getting shown up by Grete and Monika. She ought to be happy for them.
For some reason, though, watching them filled her with feelings of melancholy.
She rose from the bath and practically fled to the changing room.
On her way out, she passed by Sybilla, who only then noticed she was there. “Oh, you’re done already?” Sybilla asked with a smile.
Sara managed to squeak out a “…Yeah,” but it was so feeble, it made her feel empty inside.
The moment someone started working toward a goal was the moment they first realized how far away it was.
That might have seemed obvious, but Sara was only just finding it out.
Just how far behind was she?
She wanted to be Lamplight’s guardian, but so what? Anyone could dream. All that meant was that she’d reached the starting line, nothing more.
Klaus was right. She’d only just taken her first step. She hadn’t actually accomplished anything yet.
Lily had told her as much to her face.
“I think that goal of yours to become Lamplight’s guardian is a pipe dream.”
“I mean, you’re not exactly the first person I’d turn to in a pinch.”
They were words she normally would never have uttered. Sara had gotten carried away, and Lily had splashed a bucket of cold water on her face.
Sara had had no rebuttal to that. It was plain to see that what Lily had said was true. Perhaps Lily herself had secretly been confronted with the same harsh truth—the truth that the more you chased your dreams, the more the gap between ideals and reality stung.
There was nothing Sara could do, and it crushed her.
Not even in her academy washout days had she ever felt so powerless.
Sara went and fetched the record from Klaus’s room.
Then she set up the headphones and personal record player she’d bought back in the United States of Mouzaia and got ready to confront the music on her own. Her headphones were a little staticky, but she doubted that would blunt the music’s effectiveness. This wasn’t quite what one would imagine spy training to look like, but it was a challenge she couldn’t afford to back down from.
Fresh out of the bath, she steadied her breathing and braced herself for another round with the mind-shattering noise.
She was desperate to become even just a little bit stronger than she was.
I know this is asking too much…
There was no way someone could completely transform themselves if they only put in a normal amount of effort. Sara knew that.
Yet even so, she couldn’t help but wish.
I want to be strong enough to protect everyone.
If the alternative was accepting a bleak reality, she chose to bet everything on her ideals. Better to be mocked as a doomed dreamer than to give up on her dream of keeping her Lamplight teammates safe.
Is this just me spinning my wheels?
The moment the music started, she felt that same shock of her body splitting apart. Pain shot through her head like she’d been struck by lightning. Dizziness, nausea, and fatigue all hit her at once, leaving her unable to even keep her eyes open. Any desire she had to hold out for a few more seconds got ripped up by the roots.
Right before she passed out, someone ripped the headphones off her.
When she looked up, she saw Annette and Erna anxiously looking down at her.
“Hey, Sis! Why’s your nose bleeding like that?!”
“You don’t look too good, Big Sis Sara…”
The two of them had come barging into her room.
“From out in the hallway, it sounded like you were in pain,” Erna explained worriedly, and Annette puffed up her cheeks in a pout. “You haven’t been spending time with me lately, yo. What gives?”
Sara hadn’t even been aware she was audible.
“Miss Annette, Miss Erna…”
The two of them gently patted her cheeks out of concern for her well-being.
Tears spilled from her eyes. The music had messed up her autonomic nervous system, and she couldn’t control her emotions. It was the most ordinary conversation in the world, yet it was forcing her tear ducts into overdrive.
For all her flaws, for all her weakness, the two of them still saw her as an older sister.
She wasn’t just spinning her wheels.
No one life was more important than another, but when she thought about who on Lamplight she wanted to protect, it was always those two who sprang to mind first.
“Someday” wasn’t good enough. “Eventually” wasn’t going to cut it.
The mission was only a few days away. The team was about to split up and plunge into danger, and if Sara wanted to protect them, she couldn’t afford to sit around waiting to get stronger.
Right now, Klaus’s praise and Monika’s encouragement weren’t going to save her.
All she had was that solitary wish.
I need to be strong enough to protect them…!