Chapter 103

11 All of eastern Japan was paralyzed by the sudden outbreak of Latent Primal Regression Syndrome, also known as “catitis.” It began in Imihama but quickly spread to neighboring prefectures. Most local governments prided themselves on military might and were ill-equipped to deal with a mysterious plague. The disease could strike anywhere, at any time, and conversations like the following were not uncommon: “It’s a disaster! The catitis has reached our settlement! We could all be turned into cats!” “So?” “Sounds like it’ll save us time on cosplay.” “But think about our business! Our customers will all be biting and clawing at us!” “Well, that’s bad.” “I don’t want to get bitten, sounds painful.” “We have to go west! Quickly, now, quickly!” And so the population gradually shifted westward, leading to skirmishes between refugees and border police on the entry points into Kyoto. However, one thing never changed: “Come, one and all! Buy our bells and continue to rack up virtue, even as a cat!” “Use our patented gold dust and keep your claws and fangs squeaky clean!” “Earrings and tail-rings for sale here! You there, young lady, you know what would make you look even cuter? A pair of cat ears!” A society-ending epidemic was no excuse for these merchants to give up the grind. Further, there were radical extremists who saw catfolk as mutants and sought to eradicate them, or there were cults proclaiming the disease to be the next step in human evolution, but for better or worse, Japan was brimming with life again. And with no end to the plague in sight, it seemed all but certain that mankind would be replaced by creatures of base instinct. That is, until one day… “Ah-hem. Hello? Is this thing on?” A single video broadcast all over the country put a stop to the chaos in thirty seconds. “Erm… According to our research here at Banryouji…” It was High Priest Ochagama, cat ears and a tail poking out of his cotton wool fuzz. “The catwisps in the atmosphere have completely disappeared,” he said. “We haven’t the foggiest what happened, but, er… All I can say is the catitis should be completely gone by tomorrow morning. So no need to buy all those dodgy collars and bells. Except ours, of course. Anyway, that’s all… Oh, a butterfly!” Then the captivated Ochagama jumped headlong into the camera, turning the broadcast to static. Everyone, including those who had avoided infection, looked at one another in stunned silence… And it was true. By the next day, there was no trace of the disease at all. “There you are, ma’am! I wanted to speak with you regarding the refugees from Niigata…” “Urgent dispatch, ma’am! Surviving members of the Church of Catitis have taken over Tochigi!” “Captain! The iguanas have developed a taste for human flesh! What shall we do, ma’am?!” “Ma’am!” “Ma’am!” “Lady Pawoo!” “Rrrrgh! Shut up, shut up, shut uuuup! Can’t you see the mountains of paperwork I have to deal with?! Stop bothering me for such trivial matters!” Pawoo angrily stood up from her desk, scattering stacks and stacks of paper to the floor. Her cat ears and tail were gone, and she was back to the paragon of humanity she always was…save for the dark bags beneath her eyes, that is. Lately, Pawoo had been at the office night after night, and even her perfect suit was beginning to show signs of wear. It was enough to make one wonder why she didn’t just hire an assistant or something to do all the work for her. But Pawoo was fastidious to a fault and didn’t want anything going on in her government without her personal oversight. Besides, the chain of command now lay in tatters because of the pandemic and had to be built back up from scratch. Urgh. I’m so tired… Maybe I’m not cut out for this after all. Pawoo thought back to the words of the fabulist at the festival. They had stuck with her like a thorn in her side this entire time. She yearned for the good old days as Captain of the Vigilante Corps, where all she had to do was wave her staff and beat up bad guys. But if I don’t do it, who will? Somebody needs to keep the lights on and the gears turning. “Ma’am! An urgent message from—! Aaaagh!” Pawoo’s secretary attempted to enter the room, only to be swept back out into the hallway by a raging river of scattered paperwork. Fighting the current, she eventually managed to reach the governor’s desk. “What an absurd workload,” she said. “No one should have to do all this alone…” “What do you want?” asked the humorless Pawoo. “If it’s something to sign, just throw it on the pile.” “No! Well, yes, but it’s the thing you’ve been waiting for, ma’am! Came all the way from Kyoto today!” “From Kyoto…?” Pawoo’s half-dead eyes flickered to life. “Could it be…?” “Yes, ma’am! It’s the Man-Eating…er, I mean, your husband’s letter of pardon! It’s finally here!” “Sh-show it to me!” Pawoo flung the documents she was working on into a forgotten corner of the room, leaping into the sea of papers and snatching the envelope out of her secretary’s hands. With a flick of her nails, she tore the seal and unfurled the contents. To Bisco Akaboshi And Pawoo Nekoyanagi (Guarantor) In light of the evidence you have submitted, we are pleased to agree with your assessment of the alleged criminal, Bisco Akaboshi. We hereby recognize the aforementioned as a free man, and approve the cancellation of any and all outstanding arrest warrants regarding the accused. Once signed, this document shall serve as the official record of this decision. Please affix your signature below, and return by mail to our Kyoto office at your earliest convenience. Kyoto Prefectural Bureau “Ahhh…!” Pawoo hugged the letter, forgetting all the pain and stress she had accumulated over the past weeks. At last, a payoff for all that mind-numbing work! she thought. “Now Bisco can finally…” “Now Bisco can finally live a decent life,” said the secretary. …Hmm? “After all, the life of a Mushroom Keeper is no life at all,” she went on. “Living outside of society like some kind of barbarian. I bet you’re happy to finally settle down with your husband and live like proper, civilized people.” “Ah…well…I don’t—” “What are you standing around for?! Sign the letter already!!” Pawoo looked down at the letter. Her hand shakily went for her pen. R-right. I need to make Bisco be accepted by society. After all, he deserves a life just like anybody else, doesn’t he? And now I can finally make it happen. Just one signature, and my husband will finally have a real— Ker-rash!! “Eeek!” All of a sudden, the glass window shattered, and a bright-red figure entered the office. He looked around in confusion before letting out a bewildered sigh. “The hell? Looks like a tornado hit this place.” “Bisco!” “’Sup?” Pawoo looked into his jade-green eyes, stunned. “Wh-why do you always have to break a window whenever you enter a room?! Have you ever heard of this invention called ‘a door’?!” Bisco adopted an imitative tone. “We’re sorry, the governor is very busy right now.” “Huh?” “That’s what the guys at the entrance said. So I got here my own way.” Bisco picked up a sheet of paper off the floor and, after glancing at it for only a few seconds, tossed it over his shoulder, completely unable to parse its sesquipedalian contents. “C’mon, Pawoo. It’s time to go.” “Go?” “Hey, what are you doing?!” squealed the secretary. “Even the governor’s own husband needs to make an appointment! She’s very busy!” “Where? Where are we going, Bisco?” Pawoo asked. “You’re goin’ wherever I’m goin’.” “Now, listen here, you selfish man! You can’t just come barging in here when Pawoo’s trying to work! Look! You see this letter? This is all for you, so show some gratit—!” Fwip. Bisco tossed a mushroom throwing-needle, which ripped the letter of pardon out of the secretary’s hands and pinned it to the wall. The next second, it exploded into a cluster of enoki mushrooms, tearing the letter to shreds. Then he picked up Pawoo in his arms. “Here’s what I think of your letter, assholes!” he yelled, as though to Kyoto’s government itself. “Who said I wanted to be pardoned, huh?!” “Bisco. You know what you’re doing, don’t you?” Pawoo’s eyes trembled. With fear, and with something even larger that was not fear. “You’re kidnapping the governor of Imihama. You’ll never be allowed back through the city walls, and I won’t be able to help you anymore.” “Sure. Let’s go.” “Are you sure? You’re throwing away your one chance at a peaceful life!” “I never asked for a peaceful life. Did you?” “Huh?” Bisco was nothing but a young boy. He didn’t want to talk or argue. He didn’t want to hear people complain. All he wanted was to take his wife and get out of there, no matter whom he pissed off in the process. “We’re animals,” he said. “Our claws are too sharp for humanity.” “B-Bisco…” “I’ve decided to follow my own path,” he said, turning his jade-green eyes on her. “And I’m takin’ you with me.” “I’m gettin’ you outta here. Sorry it took me so long.” Except for Milo, Bisco had always seen it as taboo to interfere with another’s fate. Even becoming married to Pawoo hadn’t changed that. It was only now, thanks to the esoteric arts of the Catwisp Blade, that he saw what a mistake his self-imposed isolation had been. Pawoo looked into his eyes, now clear as water, and felt a magnetic pull. A single tear rolled down her cheek, the cause of which she could not fathom. “Y-you’re kidnapping the governor?!” cried the secretary, sitting up in the sea of papers where the enoki explosion had knocked her flat. “I knew you Mushroom Keepers were crazy, but I didn’t think you were that crazy! Ma’am! Use your magnificent strength to break free of that villain’s grip! Look! Here’s your staff—!” “Shut up!!” The secretary was nearly crushed to death by a single envelope, thrown with bone-shattering force. On the front, written in powerful brushstrokes, were the words “Resignation Letter.” “R-resignation?!” cried the secretary, extricating the letter from her face and staring at it. She quickly read through it, but she could find not a single overlooked technicality on which to impel the governor to stay. She didn’t see Pawoo write it, either, which meant that it must have been in her pocket this entire time, waiting for the right moment. “I’m off to live my own life!” the now-ex-governor said. “Have fun running this place after I’m gone—or burn it to the ground, I don’t care!” “Wh-what?! But if you go…who’s going to sign all these documents?!!” Thwack!! What violated the poor secretary’s face this time was Pawoo’s rubber stamp, ever ready by her desk’s side. “Any fool can do it,” said Pawoo, “Knock yourself out!” “All right, let’s get outta here,” said Bisco, preparing to jump from the office window. “Hang on tight!” “S-security!” cried the secretary. “Somebody come quick! There’s a caveman in the building!” Gaboom! A cluster of clamshell mushrooms propelled Bisco out of the governor’s office, through the air, and onto the rooftops of Karakusa Street, which he traversed on his way to the south gate. “He’s kidnapped the governor!” “Look at all the work she still has to do!!” “Send in the iguanas!” “That Akaboshi! I always knew he couldn’t be trusted!” yelled Nuts, captain of the Vigilante Corps. “Attack!” His iguana riders pursued the fleeing Bisco, kicking up a storm of dust behind them. “Hey, Pawoo? Think you can run by yourself now?” asked Bisco. “My arms are startin’ to get tired…”