“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Sorawo, so I’ll say this first, but I don’t think this is a bad thing at all. If we’re able to communicate properly, then the sex will be wonderful, and it’s great for helping us get along.”
“S-Sure.” I’d never had anyone talk to me so openly about sex stuff before, so I was getting intimidated. As I was thinking how best to respond and keep the conversation going, Toriko suddenly put on a shy smile.
“Or so I say, but... It’s not like I know enough to talk... Not really.”
Her face was so adorable when she admitted this with some embarrassment that my heart skipped a beat.
Did I just look at Toriko in a pervy way?
I dunno... I think I just thought she was cute in an ordinary way. It’s normal to find things adorable, and I feel like that’s nonsexual.
“What made you think that way, Toriko? Is that the culture in Canada?”
“Nah, sex ed in Canada is super conservative. I don’t think it’s all that different from Japan.”
“Huh? Oh, I see.”
“If anything, this is my family’s influence. You know how I come from a house with a Mom and a Mama, right? When I was little, like you’d expect, I ended up wondering why all the other kids had daddies but I didn’t. They explained it to me properly, and even when I grew up, they provided an environment where I felt okay talking to them about sexual stuff. And—”
Toriko stopped, apparently reconsidering what she had been about to say.
“What?”
“There’s another reason, but it’s a little... I don’t know how you’ll take it, so I’m a bit scared to say.”
“Huh? What’s this...? Now you’ve got me curious.”
“Well... Later, okay?”
“Are you just not interested in sex at all, Sorawo?” Toriko asked me, leaving that mystery hanging in the air.
“Uhh, not really...”
“Even with the way you’ve been staring at me?”
“No, I haven’t been... That’s you, Toriko.”
“Oh, come on. Of course I look.”
“Don’t you ‘come on’ me. When we were at the hot springs, you were staring so hard I thought my skin was going to peel off.”
“I just can’t take my eyes off of you... Even when I know you’ll think I’m being weird. It’s a mystery to me too.”
“Scary.”
“On the other hand, Sorawo, you didn’t really stare that much when I got naked at the hot springs.”
“Do you understand what a public bathing space is? If I was staring with so many people around, I’d look suspicious.”
“Didn’t stop me, though.”
“Yeah, which is why you looked dodgy. Really dodgy.”
“We had the place to ourselves when we went at night, didn’t we?”
“That’s not what I went there for!”
Toriko let out a weary sigh. “I’m losing my confidence. I went all out and got naked for you, but you wouldn’t even look.”
“I thought you were pretty.”
“You mean it?”
“Yeah, for sure. You’re always pretty, Toriko.”
“I don’t know if I buy that.”
When we were talking like this, I felt like we could go on forever. Even right after she just, uh...expressed her desire to do me.
I get that she wants to do it. That, I understand.
...And?
Having said her piece, Toriko looked a little relieved. I guess the ball was in my court. What now...?
I couldn’t envision myself doing what Toriko wanted. When she kissed me, I got super surprised, and my heart raced, but I didn’t get into that sort of mood. I didn’t mind her touching me, but it tickled. Yes, I loved Toriko. I wanted to be with her. It felt reassuring when we hugged or held hands. But I don’t think that means it has to be sexual. Could Toriko have just been imagining it when she thought I was looking at her that way?
“I thought you’d be shocked when I said I didn’t want to be lovers.”
“Yeah...”
“But you still seem awfully peppy, all things considered.”
“Huh? What? Should I have fallen to my knees and burst into tears?”
“Don’t get angry. That’s not what I’m saying, it’s just... I thought maybe you saw this coming.”
“It’s not that I predicted it. I just had something to think about,” Toriko murmured after a short silence.
“What?”
“Remember how you had amnesia before?”
“Ohh, yeah. The time T-san got me.”
“You looked at me then, and you asked, ‘Were we lovers?’”
“Sorry...”
While I was feeling embarrassed about having that dredged back up again, Toriko continued without looking at me. “I was really shocked when I heard you. So much that my hand moved before I knew what had happened.”
“...Hey, that’s right! What was that about? It’s been bugging me all this time. What’d you hit me for?”
No amount of shock justified that. As I thought back on it indignantly, a mix of complicated emotions crossed Toriko’s face.
“Because something... Something wasn’t right about it.”
“Like what?”
“The word ‘lovers’ coming out of your mouth.” Toriko furrowed her brow, looking doubtful of what she was saying. “All that time, I had been thinking, ‘I want to go out with Sorawo properly. I want a relationship where we can call each other lovers.’ When you said the word, I should have been happy, and my chest should have tightened, but instead it just felt so wrong. Like, ‘No, this isn’t what I wanted.’”
“So it wasn’t because I’d lost my memory? More of a ‘Don’t you spew those empty words at me!’ kinda thing?”
“I’m not that much of a ruffian.” Toriko shook her head, smiling. “No, I don’t think that was it. I had been pushing towards us becoming lovers without ever questioning it, and I was shocked to find that at some point that had stopped being what I wanted.”
“Okay, I kinda get that. But how’d it lead to you hitting me?”
“I got mad and did it on impulse...”
“Yikes.”
“Maybe I was feeling lonely and wanted to touch you.”
“That’s some real yikes material there, Toriko.”
I figured I had a right to say something about this. She’d even jabbed her finger into my eye, after all.
“Anyway, for a moment there, I didn’t know what I wanted my relationship with you to be. It came back to me gradually, but in some corner of my heart there’s been a sense that something is off ever since then. So, when I say I want to go out, or that I want us to be lovers, it’s more...I’m trying to put it in a way that comes across easily, I guess?”
It looked like it wasn’t just me. Toriko had been doing her own thinking on the subject too.
“And that’s why you’re not that shaken up today?”
“When you tell me right to my face you don’t want to be lovers, of course that makes me feel something. But... That’s how it is. If you say you don’t want to get caught up on names, and we should find a relationship that works for us, then maybe I’m down for that.”
“Oh, good. I thought we were going to argue more.”
“We can argue. I’m more than able to vent all my pent up frustrations at you and argue like crazy.”
“Stop it. Don’t hit me with that kind of super move.”
“Maybe I will. I’m starting to think it’d be incredibly refreshing.”
“Could you not?” Toriko was clearly amused by my discomfort. “You’re a bit of a sadist at times. You know that, Toriko?”
“Not as much of one as you are.”
“Wha?”
“You can be a bit of a bully. Just occasionally, though.”
I couldn’t deny it. “Yeah, I’m a real piece of work.”
“Hrmm. Well, I think it still falls within the bounds of what’s normal, though.”
Was that supposed to make me feel better? I laughed. “Normal? Is this normal?”
“I think we all want to pick on people a little sometimes. If you were like that all the time, it’d be bad news, though. You’re a good girl, deep down, and you’ve loosened up on the cold attitude you show to everyone who isn’t me... I love the person you are, Sorawo.”
“Y-Yeah?”
“Yeah. Being with you made me love you even more. No matter what name we put on our relationship, I’ll still love you.”
When she suddenly came at me with such direct words, I didn’t know what I should do. I couldn’t imitate this side of Toriko...and I could never get used to it.
“I...love you too,” I replied, awkwardly I’m sure. Toriko smiled, leaning forward in her chair.
“Can I kiss you?”
“Urkh... F-Fine.”
“What do you mean, ‘fine’...?” Toriko laughed. Her face drew closer.
My lips stiffened, waiting. Hers softly brushed them. They touched lightly, just once...then parted.
When I opened my eyes, Toriko cocked her head to the side, saying, “I don’t get the sense you dislike it, though.”
“Well... It’s not unpleasant. Didn’t I say that?”
“But not actively disliking it’s as far as you’ll go, huh.”