It was a vague memory now, from a time when I was still very young. I was an incredibly mischievous troublemaker. I would scribble all over the house and run outside whenever it was time to study, only to bring back insects and mud pies to throw at my older brother whenever he was diligently studying. And without fail, I would cry with laughter and clap at the sight of his startled face. I was a hopeless brat whom my grandfather constantly scolded, but my parents and my brother were always kind to me.
“You can do whatever you want as long as you’re not bothering anyone. It’s okay to bother your family, though.”
My mother never stopped me from enjoying myself. Even when I was simply avoiding studies or running away during lessons, she indulged my selfishness—so long as I found something genuine to pour my heart into.
“Yeah, nothing wrong with that.”
My father would often say that. Even when I scribbled on the walls or played pranks, he would always praise me first and foremost.
“Is that a lion? That’s really good. It seems like you have a knack for drawing. But maybe you shouldn’t have drawn on the walls.”
When I told him I couldn’t draw big enough if it wasn’t a wall, my father laughed and even agreed, and a few days later, he bought a large whiteboard just for me. From that day on, I stopped scribbling on the walls of the house.
“Sigh… What would you do without me?”
My brother always wryly laughed at my pranks, giving me exactly the attention I craved, which filled me with joy and encouraged me to play all sorts of tricks on him. But even then, my brother was always kind to me…and that didn’t change even when I was bedridden after my asthma attack.
“Anyway, you seem to be doing well today, so let’s play cards.”
It would have been perfectly understandable if he was annoyed that his sister got all our parents’ attention by merely lying in bed all day. Yet my brother remained as kind as he had been before, and I loved him dearly for it.
“Oh, I need to start heading out. I’ll see you again soon, Yuki.”
“Yeah… See you soon.”
As it became more difficult to go outside, and spending most of the day in my room became the norm, I realized for the first time just how packed my brother’s schedule was. And I realized the freedom I had enjoyed all that time was only possible because he had been working hard enough for the both of us.
“You take so many different kinds of lessons… Isn’t it hard?”
“Hmm? Not at all. Anyway, it’s your turn.”
But no matter how hard things got, my brother never let it show when he was around me. He would always say his sick little sister had it worse than he, being healthy, ever could, and he was always smiling when we were together.
It wasn’t only my brother who was working hard, either. My grandfather was busy working as the head of the Suou family. My father was working hard as a diplomat. My mother was supporting my father and my brother. So, what about me?
Is there anything I can do for the family?
That thought became my sole obsession, and whenever my asthma was making it hard for me to breathe, I couldn’t help but wonder how much easier life would be for everyone if I just died.
My family, and maybe the Suou household staff, might grieve for a while. But…deep down, they also might have felt relieved that the burden was finally gone. No one else would have even noticed I had died. I was going to disappear within this room, having accomplished nothing, completely unknown to anyone outside, and that terrified me. It was unbearable.
I want to do something for the family, too…
That was the first true desire I ever had. I wanted to do something for this family. I wanted to venture beyond these walls and do something that would live on in people’s memories. But this fragile body of mine wouldn’t let me.
So…I decided to at least keep smiling—just like my brother always did when he was around me—so as not to cast further shadows over my family’s happiness. Even through pain and struggle, I decided to smile as if nothing were wrong. And strangely enough, over time, it started to feel real. I learned firsthand that even a lie or an act, if performed long enough, could become real.
But at some point, my brother’s smile started to seem forced…and with it, my mother’s joy dimmed as their interactions became increasingly awkward. And on the day my brother suddenly stopped playing the piano, I knew deep down that he and my mother would never be able to live together again.
“Your brother and I are going to start living in a different house from now on… What do you want to do, Yuki?”
When my father asked me that, I felt conflicted. I really wanted to throw a huge tantrum and cry, Why? I want everyone to be together!
But I couldn’t. Not when I thought about my mother and brother and how they no longer smiled like they used to. I just wanted them to smile again. So, I…
“I’ll stay here. Dad, make Big Brother Masachika smile again, okay?”
And when I said that, my father hugged me with a smile, tears welling in his eyes. Only this time, he didn’t say there was “nothing wrong with that” like he usually did.
“Mom! Read this book to me!”
After my father and brother left, I devoted myself to making my mother smile. I knew something had happened between my mother and brother, but I chose to pretend not to, playing the part of the innocent, needy daughter with an angelic smile untouched by the darkness. Little by little, she began to smile more, just like she used to, and my asthma gradually improved until I was healthy enough to move around freely as well.
Yes! I can do anything now! I can do all the things that I couldn’t do before!
I felt unstoppable. I wasn’t particularly fond of studying, I had strong preferences when it came to my after-school lessons and activities, and though I couldn’t match my brother’s natural talent, each small victory I had filled me with purpose. I was elated to contribute something meaningful to my family—thrilled to achieve results that would etch my name into memory…
I grew little by little, and when I finally felt worthy of taking over for my brother, I went to see him for the first time in what felt like forever. Just as my brother had worked hard for my sake in the past, now I was working hard for his sake, so I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to worry about the Suou family name anymore—that I was doing well and he could relax. However…
“Long time no see, Yuki… You look good. I’m glad. You’ve grown into quite an incredible young lady.”
When I greeted my brother, acting as graceful and ladylike as I could, he just awkwardly smiled and looked away; no matter what I tried after that, he never looked at me with the warmth he once had.
All this is doing is making him feel guilty.
One day, it suddenly hit me.
My brother believed I had changed because of him. He was torturing himself with the thought that I had been forced to change. The more I strove to be a worthy successor to the Suou family, the more it must have weighed on him, deepening his guilt and self-blame.
“I got you a present! Give me your hand!”
“Huh? Here.”
“Ta-da! It’s a roach! It’s just a toy, though!”
“Ha-ha…”
Even when I tried playing pranks on him like I did when I was little, my brother could only manage that strained smile, his laughter hollow and forced as he averted his gaze. He never laughed from the heart, the way he once had…
Why? Why did it have to be like this?
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. All I wanted was to see my brother smiling again, but if becoming a proper young lady only deepened the sorrow in his eyes, then maybe I should just…
…I should just be dumb.
I wanted—I needed to become an idiot and the helplessly mischievous child I was back then that used to make my brother laugh without even trying. I had to play the fool if my brother was going to laugh again—if he was ever going to give me the attention that I desired. I needed to become a sister so dumb that it was astonishing. I needed to be so cute that it almost seemed unreal.
“‘How to become’ a cute little sister…? Huh? All I see is anime…”
After that, I went online to look up “cute little sisters” and found all kinds in anime and manga, so I began trying to imitate them, gradually creating my new persona…
“Calling him ‘Big Brother’ would be weird at this age… I need to at least say it sarcastically or something… How should I talk around him, too? Decisions, decisions…”
And before long, I found myself captivated with the 2D world, and I thought it might serve as the perfect bridge to reconnect to my brother as well.
“All right, then. Next time I see ‘Big Brother’ Masachika—no—next time I see my dear big brother, I’m going to recommend him this manga. Mwa-ha-ha. I hope you’re ready for this, you little punk.”
It didn’t matter if it seemed fake or if he saw straight through the act, because I was determined to keep up the lie until it became the truth.
So please…
Just sigh and smile like you used to—like the big brother I love so much.