“Tadasu-san has lost it.”
“Huh?”
This morning, when I’d answered Churiri-sensei’s sudden phone call, that had been the last thing I’d expected to hear.
“Lost it?” I muttered back into my phone. “You mean, like, had a nervous breakdown?”
“Yes,” Sensei replied sullenly.
“I don’t believe it... Someone as lively and spirited as her?” Whatever had happened, it certainly sounded serious. “What, um... What happened?”
“I think she realized the truth,” Sensei said. “That Live-On isn’t the evil she thought it was.”
“O-Oh?” I said, slightly taken aback. “So she’s finally stopped being an anti? Is that not actually a good thing?”
“I don’t think it is. Not entirely. To come to grips with that uncomfortable truth is to face the fact that everything she’s done until now was wrong.”
“I... That’s true...” I muttered quietly.
“And she’s someone who truly believed in her own righteousness. The realization that she had been attacking and criticizing others for, essentially, not liking what she liked really hit her hard.”
Mulling over Sensei’s words, I thought back to the collab Hareru-senpai and I had done with Tadasu-chan shortly after her debut, and the debate we’d had. There, Tadasu-chan had passionately argued that being “clean” was the highest virtue, and that Live-On, with its decided uncleanliness, was the devil incarnate and needed to be reformed, and that she had joined as part of gen five to do just that.
But over the course of that debate, Hareru-senpai had pinpointed the truth behind Tadasu-chan’s so-called righteousness: that it was little more than a way to justify her own fetishes and desires, and that her critiques of Live-On were deeply misguided. By the end of it, Tadasu-chan had taken Hareru-senpai’s words to heart and resolved to better understand Live-On by participating in streams and doing general streamer stuff to refine her views. And that had been the end of it.
Or so I’d thought. Now, it seemed, she had found her answer. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say the answer had found her.
“Mmm,” I grumbled absentmindedly. “I still can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, this is Tadasu-chan we’re talking about—breaking down?”
“She had her graduation ceremony recently,” Sensei said.
The oddness of the words snapped me back to attention. “Sorry, what?”
“Apparently, Tadasu-san’s high school held their graduation ceremony recently,” Sensei clarified. “And she’s a graduate—a third year—so it must have made her really think about her future. I think what happened was that, right when she was at her lowest, self-confidence-wise, she was basically forced to take a good, hard look at herself. Before, we had already agreed that she would focus solely on her streaming career. Not that Dagger-san and I didn’t try to convince her to go to college, but she just said she couldn’t see herself balancing studies and streaming. I thought that had been the end of it, but clearly, it’s still weighing on her.”
“Yeah. I can imagine how it might. It’s been going on for a while, then?” I asked.
“And she’s just so young, you know? She doesn’t have the life experience to bounce back from setbacks like these.”
“Right. It’s easy to forget how young she is when she acts so professionally in front of the mic, but at the end of the day, she’s still just a kid.”
I thought back to how I’d felt during my own high school graduation. I remembered the career planning, everyone heading off in different directions, and the deep anxiety—the feeling of being left behind by my peers, even though I was graduating right along with them. But honestly, Tadasu-chan had it way worse than I had. I mean, “VTuber” as a career choice? I’d bet good money she was the only one in her grade who had that written down. Sure, I’d felt anxiety back then, but what she was dealing with was Anxiety with a capital A.
On top of that, she’d just realized that all her criticisms of Live-On had been misguided. Not only misguided—merely a way to force her own desires onto others. She had planned her future around fixing Live-On, only to discover it didn’t need fixing. Her situation was definitely a unique one, and yeah, I could see why she was struggling with it.
But was she not blowing it out of proportion slightly? I was sure none of us other Live-Onners really held her actions against her, and personally, I thought she was young enough that taking some time to step back and reevaluate would actually be good for her. But I supposed that was just my perspective. I couldn’t speak for her. She was a serious person, and that only made the situation more stressful for her.
I felt like I was starting to get a good grasp on things. “By the way, when you say ‘lost it,’ how lost are we talking?” I asked.
“Very,” Sensei replied. “Imagine my surprise when she didn’t show her face for an entire week, and then when she finally did, she just broke down in front of us.”
“What?!” Things were that severe?! “Is she okay?”
“She’s calmed down thanks to a little Dagger-san therapy. But it’s clear she still has a lot on her mind. I don’t think she’s in any condition to stream. Not for a good long while, anyway.”
“I see...”
“Also, she went to Hareru-san for a follow-up to their debate just the other day,” Sensei said.
“You’re kidding. Just how conscientious is this girl...?” I marveled. “So? How’d that go?”
“Hareru-san’s advice was for her to talk to other streamers. That hearing some other perspectives might help her arrive at her own.”
“Respecting her autonomy and challenging her to arrive at her own conclusion. Sounds like Hareru-senpai.”
“It sounds a little irresponsible,” Sensei muttered. “Can’t she see that Tadasu-san’s desperate for guidance?”
Something about the tone of her gripe caught my attention. Though it had struck me initially as genuine concern from one genmate to another, I couldn’t help but think there was something more to it.
“Ahem,” she cleared her throat. “And that brings me to the reason for my call today. Awayuki-san, you have already proven yourself resourceful and reliable with what you did for Dagger-san. How do you think we can help Tadasu-san?”
“Hm...” I fell into thought. So that’s why she came to me, is it? Mmm... But I don’t know; the situation really is quite delicate. Still, I guess it would be best if... “We leave her alone for a while and just watch.”
“Y-You can’t be serious?!” Sensei exclaimed.