Six, you damned loudmouth...
Though part of me was indeed raging at the mage, another part of me was simply grateful. That said, Reinald did not have a good eye for picking flowers. It was obvious that he’d just selected the first one he happened to look at. The flower was past its bloom, and its petals looked awfully thirsty. I hoped that a little time in a vase would see it mend itself somewhat. I held it gingerly so as not to crush it, but tight enough not to drop it.
“No, this is fine,” I replied.
And it was. A bouquet would have been beautiful, of course. A selection of carefully picked roses, like the ones that I’d brought to Nadia, would have been stunning. But this one flower brought me joy. It was anything but the perfect choice, but Reinald had picked it himself. The man seemed perfect at a glance, but in this imperfect selection I felt I was allowed a glimpse of his heart, and my own heart leaped at the thought.
One might have thought me simpleminded, but that was fine too. I didn’t care. I held that flower close to my chest, and I wasn’t going to relinquish it to anybody. Reinald, however, seemed to think that I just liked that particular variety of flower.
“Our gardener can put together a selection at a word. I’ll have a bouquet sent to you,” he said.
“I’m more than happy with just this,” I replied.
“I am no expert when it comes to flowers, but I understand they look much better in company. I can have it arranged with some others...”
“I am happiest with the flower that you chose for me.”
Reinald tilted his head, confused, and I realized then that I’d said entirely too much.
“In any case,” I blurted, “you’ve given it to me now, and I shan’t give it back.”
I was like a child throwing a tantrum, I know, but I wasn’t going to give up that flower to anybody. And in such panicked times, there was no solution quite like changing the subject.
“What do you intend to do about Lady Nadia, Sir Reinald?” I asked.
“That depends on what you mean by your question. I simply sympathize with her and the plight of her home.”
“You’re going to fall back on sophistry now? Really?”
He was using her for a reason, that much was crystal clear. Exactly to what extent Nadia herself was aware of it was another matter, but I knew that Reinald was not aiding her simply out of the goodness of his heart.
“Then let us assume her people are helping you, the prince, to cross a dangerous path,” I said. “When they have no further use to you, what then?”
He was a man whose desire for conquest spread to an entire continent. He would not simply give Nadia’s people their home back. It seemed likely that only tragedy awaited them at the end of their path, and so I couldn’t help wondering what would become of Lady Nadia.
“Some questions are best left unasked. I very much doubt I will give you the answer you hope for.”
“And you won’t change your mind?”
“You can ask of me whatever you please, but there will always be the counsel I will hear and the counsel I will not. This matter falls into the latter.”
This was at the heart of it.
“I’ve always tried to remain cognizant that you and I have a different comprehension of matters of life and death,” I said. “I realize there’s nothing more I can do at present, so let us table this discussion for another time.”
“Tabling the discussion indicates you have hopes for success later down the line, no?”
“Indeed I do, but as I said, it is a discussion for another time. But first I must earn your respect.”
“You already have. At the very least, you and I speak on equal footing. I have yet to meet another young woman with whom I can do the same.”
“But that is only due to your character. That you do not look down upon others for their sex or age is a virtue of yours. It is for that very reason that I can stand tall as the acting lord of the Conrad family.”
“I do try to be cognizant of such things. In the past, I too was made to suffer similarly.”
The office garden was far too cramped for long periods of time, but it was well-designed for short, refreshing moments.
“For one such as myself, your dream is near unbelievable,” I said. “And so I cannot help but wonder—should you reach your goal, what then?”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you not thought beyond continental conquest?”
Reinald crossed his arms and tilted his head. By the thoughtfulness etched into his brow, I saw that, in fact, he hadn’t actually thought that far. He looked almost childlike in the moment, a smile on his face unlike that of his usual countenance.
“Knowing me, I would still be unsatisfied,” he replied. “I suppose I would set my sights on the lands beyond the seas. There must be countless sights out there that I can scarcely imagine.”
It was the answer I was half-expecting, and one I had caught the scent of when he’d stated his goal of conquest. There would never be an end. The end of one goal would reveal the emergence of another. Reinald would forever be in pursuit of his dreams, and they would be his everything. He would feel little for anything else, even if it meant lives lost, and it was for this reason he feared nothing and lived without regret.
“While this has been an interesting discussion, let us not talk about that which is not yet reality. There is too much still yet to be done.”
“But I am happy at least to get a glimpse into your mind, Sir Reinald.”
“You always say the strangest things, Karen. If it’s the future we’re talking about, it’s yours I want to hear. What dreams does your future hold?”
“Conrad’s revival and success, of course,” I replied. “I want to create a firm foundation upon which Wendel can stand proudly as the lord of his family when he comes of age.”
“But that is because Conrad, as you knew it, was brought to its end. When you declined my hand in marriage, you said it was because you had another dream you wanted to reach. It is that I wish to know more of.”
Honestly, and in the moment, my first thought was “dang it.” It was unlike Reinald to dig so deep, and so it came entirely unexpected. To make matters more complicated, he’d indulged so many of my questions that it felt unfair not to give him something in return. I wanted to be sincere insofar as I could.
“I wanted...”
I paused for the briefest of seconds. I had not even told Ern this, and so simply uttering the words required more courage than I’d expected. I felt tension grip my whole being.
“I once wanted freedom from it all,” I said. “I wanted to live a life purely of my own.”
I didn’t tell him that I wanted to lounge around in whatever home I found in nothing more than my underwear, and I didn’t tell him that I wanted the freedom to down a whole bottle of beer in a single gulp wherever I chose, but the basics of it were still there in my answer. I wanted a freedom and independence in which I did not have to care for the world around me.
Not wanting people to get involved in my life was the same as me not wanting to get involved in theirs, at least as far as I was concerned. And yet, my answer seemed to surprise Reinald. He was so thoroughly surprised, in fact, that I felt suddenly awkward. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
It was never easy, speaking from the heart. I felt suddenly like a child that had been scolded for saying the wrong thing. And I suppose, in a sense, that’s what it was.
“I always thought of you as someone who enjoyed meeting with people, socializing. Why that sort of freedom?”
“At the time...well, I didn’t want to be anybody’s burden.”
As long as one lived among human society, it was near impossible to avoid social interaction, but maintaining your distance? Relatively simple. I was fond of my family and fond of my friends, but no matter where I went, I carried the baggage that was my past life, and so I had always put up walls between myself and others.
When I thought back, I could see the ways in which I seemed to have always distanced myself. It was difficult to look at my own life objectively and to be sure of it in any certain terms, but that was how it felt. And it made me wonder—if Gerda hadn’t become the king’s concubine, would I have one day moved elsewhere and lived the rest of my life at an arm’s length from the world around me? Would that have been my future?
But that dream had lost its hold on me, probably because of Conrad. I’d felt so certain of myself, but the foundations of that confidence had been shaken by kindness, love, and generosity. It had come from the margrave, from Sven, and from countless others, and just like that the world I saw was different. It had changed.
“I felt that...in getting closer to people...” I started.
“That you’d burden them. Annoy them. You were scared of what they’d think. You didn’t want them all to hate you. Yeah, I get it. It’s so typical of the cowardly. The types who don’t know how to rely on others. That society you used to be a part of? That was just one type of person among many. Ugh, could you be any more boring a human?”