Alas, my complaint fell on deaf ears. The boys were long gone and already out the door, leaving me with thoughts and feelings I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with. I chose to speak with Elena about them when she happened to visit with a handkerchief that her grandmother had embroidered. Her grandmother had long enjoyed embroidery as a hobby, and when the woman was left to her own devices she embroidered up such a storm she had nowhere to put it all. She’d given so much to relatives and the local neighborhood that her husband had to tell her to stop.
But actually, it wasn’t just embroidery that she enjoyed. She was also talented in sewing and knitting, and she could even whip up clothing when asked. Elena seemed to think she was at the level that she could have opened her own tailoring business if she so desired, but her grandma wanted her hobby to remain just that—a pastime.
In any case, Elena’s grandmother was overjoyed to have a new person to pass her creations onto, and she threw herself into her passion once more. I say “person,” but the more apt term was surely “household,” as she even made things for our servants. I wanted to pay her for all the lovely work, but it was impossible; she was already giving it to everyone else for free, which made it awkward for us to be the only family paying her for her services. These sorts of local relationships were so very complicated to navigate.
In order to provide something in the way of a token of our gratitude, we were in the habit of sending Elena’s grandmother food—baked treats or whatever else we happened to cook too much of. It so happened that their own long-standing servant had passed on, and they weren’t actively looking for a replacement. They didn’t cook, and so they were happy for the gift of food. It seemed that the rest of the neighborhood were also sending them the same. This sort of give-and-take relationship just wasn’t something you saw often—if at all—in modern-day Japan.
In any case, Elena’s timing was perfect, so I offered her a cup of tea. I told her all about Wendel’s attitude and Emil’s misunderstanding, but as I went on I noticed something like a look of worry etching itself upon Elena’s face. In the end, she clasped her hands in front of her face and looked up at the ceiling with despair in her eyes.
“Oh my...” she uttered, allowing herself a slight chuckle.
This made me anxious, as I’m sure you can imagine.
“Elena?” I prodded.
“Karen, His Highness rarely, if ever, parts with anything personal,” she said. “He’s not especially attached to anything—apart from his horse, I suppose—but it’s exceedingly rare for him to send gifts. That’s why Jorn was so happy, you see—he thought he was being entrusted with a most important task.”
“Yes, it’s true that I can scarcely imagine him handing out gifts left, right, and center, but I’m aware that he’s very kind to us. And naturally, I’m not going to get the wrong idea about it. I’m only too aware of our individual positions, and I wouldn’t dream of acting high and mighty or taking advantage of him—it would only lose us his favor. I’m sure Moritz would have a thing or two to say about it too.”
That was why when it came to matters of the heart... Well, the sort of love and romance that Achim had spoken of would just never come to pass.
Elena nodded a few times in response.
“Still, if we put aside what I’ve just explained, and if we also put aside His Highness’s generosity with regards to the Conrad family, I still can’t really grasp how you feel about it all, Karen.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You keep on talking about standing and rank, and...yes, also that you can’t imagine His Highness settling down with anybody, but that’s it.”
“Really?”
“You didn’t realize...? Oh, but then again...”
In short, Elena was telling me that I never talked about my own feelings. I had intended to be honest and open, but when it came to putting my actual feelings into words, they simply refused to leave my lips. I couldn’t quite find a way to express them, but Elena didn’t push me, and she simply sat calmly with me. Even then, however, I failed to explain myself.
“It’s not easy,” commented Elena sympathetically. “It takes a lot of courage to speak what’s in your heart. It wasn’t my intent to poke my nose into your personal affairs, Karen, but I simply got the feeling that you wanted to speak about them. Perhaps it’s best for you to just meditate on them for a time.”
Elena took her leave, and I felt as though the haze around my heart grew even thicker than before. I didn’t feel like going back to my room. Fortunately, the dining room was empty, and it didn’t seem like anybody was going to need it anytime soon. I took a seat on one of the longer sofas, clutched a cushion to my chest, and brought my legs up to hug it tight with my thighs, turning myself into a little ball.
Just how do I feel about it all...?
I’d lived far more experiences than my appearance let on. There was no need for me to worry about such concerns anymore. It was of course obvious to me that Emil and Elena were hinting at the fact that I was in love with Reinald. But from my point of view, love was a very difficult thing when it came to Reinald, and there was no romantic interest that could be any more unrequited. When we first met, I’d gotten the strong impression that he had no need for a partner, and even now I didn’t think that impression was wrong. He had grand goals he was reaching for, and he believed in his ability to reach them—I didn’t get the sense that he was very interested in much else.
In that sense, it’s kind of a wonder that I chose to throw our lot in with him, huh?
I mean, if you put Reinald in a book and gave him a role based on what we knew, he’d be the villain. He could kill without hesitation, for one thing, and there was no denying the fact that many lives in Falkrum had been sacrificed in order for him to move closer to his goal. A modestly pretty woman like myself wasn’t up to the standards of a man of his caliber, and then there were our positions to consider. And while a Cinderella-style story wasn’t entirely out of the question, the type of woman worthy of standing alongside a man like Reinald was...well, someone like Ern. She was a young woman born with prodigious talents, and a main character in her own right. She had the goods. If the world had to choose which was a better fit, the vast majority would choose her over me.
“Yeah, Ern’s kind of a shoo-in...” I muttered.
“Lady Karen.”
“Ahh?!”
I’d been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed Whateley enter. The fact that he was standing right in front of me showed that I hadn’t even heard him opening the door.