Chapter 98

I felt like I had just woken from a long dream. When I opened my eyes, I was staring up at the canopy over my bed. When did I fall asleep? I couldn’t remember what I was doing before I dozed off. My senses were still a mess when I heard a knock at the door. “Good morning, Your Highness,” came a voice that I couldn’t place. No sooner did I answer than a maid stepped in, greeting me with a warm smile. “It’s a wonderful day today, Your Highness!” “H-hmm…? Morning… Um, where am I…?” “…? What are you saying, Your Highness? These are your quarters in the royal castle.” “The royal castle…? But what about the detached palace…?” “Well, that place might be good for a quick nap every now and then, but if you don’t come back to the royal palace, Queen Sylphine will give you a right scolding,” the maid said with a giggle, getting me out of bed. I fell deep into thought as she helped me get ready for the day. Was this the royal castle? I mean, I was fairly sure I did still have quarters there, but I didn’t use them anymore. And what was this about only using the detached palace for naps? That was where I lived and worked. I racked my brains, but no answer revealed itself. I considered asking the maid again…but then I suddenly realized something. …Huh? Why does this feel so…off-putting? I was a princess. It was only natural that I should have a room in the royal castle. Maybe I had been asleep for so long that my sense of reality had grown a little hazy? Still mulling over my thoughts, I arrived in the dining hall. My father and mother were already seated, in the middle of breakfast. When my mother’s eyes met mine, she stood up from her seat and walked toward me. I braced myself—when she reached out to touch my cheek. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” “Eh…? Ah. G-good morning…?” “Are you still half asleep? It’s time to wake up.” My mother’s voice was always gentle. This time, she even gave me a light kiss on the cheek. I stared back in a daze, when she tilted her head to one side in curiosity. “Your breakfast is getting cold,” my father said. “Apologies, Orphans. Come now, shall we have breakfast?” “Y-yes…” Prompted by my mother, I took my seat and started nibbling at the meal laid out before me. We ate in silence. I took this time to observe my parents; there didn’t seem to be anything unusual about them. Though I was supposed to be eating, I quickly got distracted, my hands coming to a standstill. My mother noticed. “You haven’t eaten much, dear. Are you feeling well?” “Huh? Ah, n-no! I mean, I’m fine!” “…Very well. Don’t push yourself too hard, all right?” “Hmm. You’re indispensable to the realm. And you’re our precious daughter,” my father added with a calm smile. For some reason, my heart skipped a beat at this. Not quite knowing why I felt so happy to hear that, I took another bite of my breakfast to conceal my embarrassment. Tea was served after the meal, when my father spoke up once more. “So, how is your plan coming along?” “My plan…?” “You said you were going to build magical tools of some sort, based on memories from what you called a past life. Have you forgotten?” “…What did you just say?” I asked cautiously. “You were planning to build things based on your memories, right?” “…I was?” “Yes,” my mother said matter-of-factly. My father seemed to be wondering what was so funny. But I had been thrown into utter confusion. My memories from my past life were an important part of who I was, but I kept them closely guarded. I rarely divulged them to anyone. My head spun once again. Something was definitely wrong here… “They must be coming along smoothly, what with all the help you’re getting from Euphyllia and the others,” my mother pressed. “Just don’t bury yourself in your work too much. You can let Algard and the others handle things today. Why don’t you take some time to get some rest?” my father added. “…Allie?” “Yes. Don’t worry. He, at least, has his head on straight. You should pay a little more attention to your surroundings, dear,” my mother said with a giggle. The longer this conversation went on, the more uncertain I became. “…Thank you for the meal. I think I’ll go take a walk,” I said, rising to my feet. “Take your time.” “Have a good day.” My mother and my father both flashed me warm smiles as they saw me off. I all but fled from the room. After leaving the dining hall, I made my way to the detached palace. Maids, knights, even nobles—it felt like everyone I passed along the way greeted me with a kind smile. “Good morning, Your Highness.” “Did you sleep in again today, Your Highness?” “Don’t push yourself too hard, Your Highness. You need to remember to take care of yourself.” Feeling increasingly awkward, I hurried my pace and broke into a run once I was outside. It wasn’t long before I spotted a familiar group gathered in the courtyard. Only then did I stop running and approach them normally. “Oh? Well, if it isn’t Her Royal Sluggard?” “Tilty…” “You’re awake? You could have slept in today, you know?” “Allie…” “Laziness isn’t good for the body… But neither is pushing yourself too hard.” “Acryl…” “Why do you keep repeating everyone’s names? Are you still in dreamland?” Tilty asked with a light shrug. “Were you worried about your plans?” Allie asked gently. “Don’t be. None of them will be finished overnight. You need to be patient.” Acryl seemed to be ignoring me, but I noticed her stealing glimpses every now and then as if to see how I was holding up. “Thank you… So, er, about the plans…,” I ventured. “Which one?” Tilty asked. “We’re pretty busy, you realize, what with how you keep coming up with one idea after the next. There’s your automatic car, flying vehicles, and the communication devices.” “Yes, there’s never a dull moment. They must have had quite the advanced civilization in this world you remember…,” Allie said. “Have I told you all about my past life…?” I asked cautiously. “Hmm? More times than I could possibly count,” Tilty answered. “Since forever,” Allie added. Acryl shot me a look. “…Are you still asleep?” The three of them stared back at me as if worried for my health. I caught my breath, then did my best to relax my expression. “Right, yes… I think I’m a little tired.” “Keep it together. Without you, this will all fall apart.” “Yeah. You’ve got to look after your health.” “…Would you like me to hunt down a meal for you?” “I’m all right. By the way, um… Where’s Euphie?” “Euphyllia? Isn’t she in her office in the royal castle?” “Ah, right. Thanks. I think I’ll go check in on her.” “All right. It’s all well and good to be concerned for others, but don’t forget to take care of yourself.” “I know. See you all later, then…” I said goodbye to the three of them and headed back for the royal castle. Once they were out of sight, I looked around to make sure that I was alone and leaned heavily against a nearby wall. …What is going on? Everything is so strange… My thoughts kept on spinning around and around. None of this made any sense, and the more I thought about it, the hazier everything became. Allie and the others knew about my past life, but that should have been impossible. After all, I had only ever shared that information with one other person. Besieged by discomfort and anxiety, I ran—and though I rushed through the royal castle as fast as my feet could carry me, no one chastised me. They only called out a few times. “Watch that you don’t trip, Your Highness.” “Are you looking for Queen Euphyllia?” “Her Majesty is in her office.” I arrived at Euphie’s study. After catching my breath, I knocked on the door. A moment later, a voice summoned me inside. There, I found Euphie, Lainie, and Ilia poring over bundles of documents. As soon as I entered the room, the three of them were quick to urge me to relax. “Ah, you’re awake. Are you feeling okay?” “There’s no need to push yourself too hard today. It would be a great help to us if you took some time to rest.” “You needn’t rush. Just take it easy. How does that sound?” It was them, with their gentle voices and their kind smiles. “Um, there’s something I wanted to ask you…,” I began. “What might that be?” Euphie replied. “I… When exactly did I tell you about my memories of my past life?” I asked before pursing my lips. There were probably more tactful ways to ask that question, but my thoughts were a mess, so I took the direct approach. But their responses couldn’t be simpler. “When…?” “Well, you know…” “Yes.” Then they all spoke in unison. “““At the very beginning?””” …Ah. I knew this didn’t add up. All three of them—Euphie, Lainie, Ilia—answered as if they had known everything from the start. But that was impossible. It was impossible… And yet, ever since I had woken up… “…Are you feeling ill?” Ilia asked. “You look a little pale.” “It’s nothing…” “Are you sure?” Lainie insisted. “We’ve all been a little worried about you focusing too much on your work lately…” The two of them peered into my eyes in worry. I flashed them a reassuring grin. I didn’t know how else to answer. “If you’re not feeling well, why don’t you do something to clear your mind?” Euphie casually suggested. “Clear my mind…?” I repeated. “Yes. How about we practice some magic?” …Was this really coming from Euphie? “Me? Magic…?” “Yes. After all—you’re the greatest magic user in the whole kingdom.” The statement left me dizzy. The world seemed to be spinning around me, but I couldn’t allow myself to fall over. I raised a hand to touch my forehead, only then realizing that I was sweating and that my throat was parched. Come to think of it, I had been feeling this way for a while now… “What’s wrong? You’re sick, aren’t you?” Euphie asked, reaching out to me with her usual gentle touch. But I rejected her. “I’m sorry,” I murmured, brushing her away and shuffling backward, an unsteady step followed by another. The three of them continued to watch me, focusing on nothing else. “I’m sorry, I…” Unable to string any more words together, I turned and bolted from Euphie’s office. I had to leave. I had to go somewhere, anywhere that wasn’t here. And so I ran like a madwoman, but every face that I passed called out in cheerful greeting. “It’s dangerous to run in the hallways, Your Highness.” “Aren’t you in a hurry. Good luck! Just don’t overdo it.” “Ha-ha-ha, you’re as tomboyish as ever, Your Highness!” Running, slipping, pulling away… At last, I came to an empty courtyard. After catching my breath, I stared down at my hands. I could use magic? How? I didn’t even know what to do! I wasn’t supposed to know how. I wasn’t supposed to be able to use magic. And yet…could I? “Light…” A shining mote materialized over my outstretched palm. There could be no doubt about it. This was magic. “Impossible.” But I couldn’t use magic. This was insane, unbelievable. Why? Unable to trust anything, I rested a hand against a wall. It was then that I saw my reflection in a nearby window, and I let out a loud gasp. I couldn’t recognize my face. My hair style, its color, my eyes—everything was a blur. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Right. No one had called out my name this whole time. I fell to my knees in distress. I felt like vomiting, but nothing would come up. What was this? A nightmare? “You, over there. You dropped something.” Suddenly, a voice called out to me from behind. Glancing over my shoulder, I spotted a young woman. With her platinum hair and light green eyes, she was dressed like a well-bred young lady. She was watching me with a thin smile. …I didn’t know her, yet I felt like I should have. A dull pain filled my skull, my vision blurring. At this rate, I would soon collapse—but something told me that I couldn’t afford to black out here. “…Won’t you take it?” “…Huh?” “The thing you dropped.” I had dropped something? When? What? I had no idea. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it might be. After all, I didn’t know who or what I was anymore. The woman merely stared at me, her eyes narrowed judgmentally. “…Who are you?” I found myself murmuring. The girl’s smile relaxed, and she grinned. “Anisphia.” She answered. The moment I heard that name, something broke inside me. I mustn’t touch her. No matter what, I mustn’t touch her. Something bad would happen if I remembered—but I had to remember. A wave of contradictory emotions bore down on me, threatening to tear me in two. I should have turned away and willed myself to forget. I should have pretended not to notice. All I had to do was close my eyes and— “Shut up!” I shouted, trying to reject the voices clamoring in my head. Without warning, the woman in front of me vanished. I had to give chase. Alarms were ringing in my mind. I had to find her as soon as I possibly could. And so I dashed ahead, letting my impulses drive me forward. “That’s quite dangerous, Your Highness.” “Where are you off to, Your Highness?” “Why are you in such a rush, Your Highness?” Everywhere I went, people tried to stop me—with good intentions, with kindness, with concern. I shrugged those voices off. Because no one was actually speaking to me. Why? My name was ! “I know you’re watching me!” That woman was here somewhere. I could feel it. No matter how far I ran, the scenery around me remained unchanged. I ought to know this place, and yet I didn’t recognize it at all. Everywhere I went, I spotted one contradiction after another—and each time, my headache only got worse. By now, it was so intense that I felt like a stake had been driven into my skull. I couldn’t go any farther. I had to turn back. My body pleaded with me, but I didn’t stop. I had to find that woman. I had to. At that moment, I glared up overhead. Only the sky was as it should be. In that case, I had to keep going up. Acting on intuition, I made for the highest point available. Then, one after another, faces dear to me appeared nearby, all trying to hold me back with their kind words. “You’re up to something again, aren’t you? Don’t go overboard, you hear?” My father. “Running in the corridors? You’re royalty! You ought to behave as such.” My mother. “Sister? I thought I told you to rest. Go back to your room.” Allie. “What are you doing, you idiot? Come on, I’ll take you back.” Tilty. “There’s no need to hurry. Besides, there’s something I’ve been wanting to discuss…” “Your Highness! I bought some tasty snacks down in the castle town! You want a bite?” “We found some candies popular with the knights. We can call for tea, if you like?” “They are delicious. Come, we shall partake together.” Halphys, Garkie, Navre, Acryl. “Where are you going? Return to your quarters.” “You can’t go that way.” Ilia, Lainie. Each time I shook them off, my heart ached. Still, it happened over and over. I didn’t want to look at their faces and see them contorted with sadness and grief. After all, I was to blame. My heart had been aching for a while now, like it was bleeding without end. This was guilt. It was telling me to stop. Just as I was about to run up the stairs, someone reached out to grab my hand. “Don’t go. Please.” “Euphie…” Naturally, she was the one who had caught me. She held on tightly, her gentle warmth flowing through her touch. “Don’t go,” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. She clung desperately to me. Ahhh, what was I to do? Where did I want to go? Why did I want to leave so badly that I was willing to put everyone through such misery? Did I really have to keep pressing on? “You’re okay, aren’t you? It doesn’t matter who you are. Here, we accept everything.” Euphie’s grip was growing stronger. At that moment, I understood. I placed my hand above hers, flashing her a smile. “Maybe you’re right…but that’s why I have to go.” With that, I shook away the hand belonging to whoever was wearing Euphie’s face. I was so angry now that I couldn’t take it anymore. My heart was tearing up with sorrow. A seething hatred propelled me forward. The fear that came over me a moment ago was gone, washed away with my tears. I had always wanted to hear those words. There were times when everything was so hard, so painful that I wanted to run away and leave it all behind. But I could never allow myself to run from that pain. I had made a great many choices during my life, and among them were mistakes that could never be taken back. However, I couldn’t pretend that those failures simply hadn’t happened. They were the result of the choices that I had made. I had to carry those burdens with me. Even if you take a wrong turn, even if you take the long way around, your life is only ever your own because of the choices you made. People might laugh at me, they might consider me a fool—but in my heart, I could take pride in my every step. Because there was someone who had forgiven me. Someone who had accepted me. Someone who praised my progress. That was why I had to keep pressing on. And so I climbed the stairs with no end in sight. My breath grew ragged. After what seemed like an eternity, a light appeared—and the sky spread out before me. Yes, behind those many faces, the sky was the only thing that still remained unchanged. Right. I stared up overhead, and screamed at the top of my lungs: “Give me back my name!” Somehow, I was sure that this would reach them. My name—yes, the name that no one had called me here. The biggest reason why this world felt so strange. There was no way I would tell everyone about my memories of my past life. I mean— “I’m Anisphia Wynn Palettia!” I was a peculiar, out-of-control princess, not at all like how royalty ought to behave. A heretic unable to wield magic, a reincarnated soul with memories of a past life in another world. I had hurt so many people with my conceit. Even so, there still remained a tomorrow in which everyone I cared about could laugh together. There was no way I could doze off in this world of convenience. “Are you claiming that name? Even though you are an imposter?” Before I knew it, I was standing before me. That other me looked back with cold, reproachful eyes. “Despite hurting for so long, you won’t allow yourself to relax. Your guilty conscience is holding you back, isn’t it?” the other me said, giving voice to the pain in my heart. “But what if they were all gone—those painful, trying memories? You always wanted to be a normal princess, didn’t you? A princess adored by all. All you wanted was to live your life without causing anyone grief.” The other me paused for a moment, breathing a heavy sigh. “You told yourself it was fine if no one accepted you, if no one let you be who you wanted to be, but still you chased after your dreams. That wasn’t enough to receive forgiveness, was it? If you want forgiveness, you need to save someone… Isn’t that right? But it’s hard to live like that, isn’t it?” I couldn’t deny it. She was right. That was the wickedness I’d always carry with me. It was the guilt that I had borne all this time. Yes, I wanted forgiveness, which was why I should be allowed to remain here. Even today, I still chased after forgiveness. Maybe I would never be able to erase this sense of guilt. “But I’ve gotten this far. And I’ve gained so much. All because I’m me.”