Chapter 109

“Cheers.” “Yes, cheers.” I took a tiny sip. Euphie, I noticed, was likewise drinking modestly. “…I tried talking it over with everyone, about me and the knight commander job,” I said, leaning over with my hand placed under my cheek. “How did they react?” “They were all for it, more than I thought they would be. What Navre said really got me thinking.” “Oh? And what was that?” “That I should be the one doing the choosing, and that people would feel honored to be picked by me. He wanted me to consider their feelings, not just my own.” “I see where he’s coming from.” “You think so, too?” “Yes. I pride myself on being worthy of your trust,” she answered with a faint smile. I smiled at her gentle, happy tone of voice. Right. That meant Euphie was one of them, grateful to have my confidence. When I stopped to think about it, I could see what Navre meant. For whatever reason, I just never thought people would feel that way about me. “I knew you wouldn’t like it, though,” Euphie continued. “Hm?” “As the commander of an order of knights, you would be responsible for anything that happens to them.” “Yeah…” “You have a very strong sense of responsibility, Anis. I’m sure you would end up taking everything upon yourself. I did consider hiring someone else we could trust to lead the knights, so you could focus on studying magicology. But, well…” “Duke Grantz had other thoughts?” I asked. Euphie nodded, flashing me a weak smile. “I do understand why, though,” she continued, lightly swirling her wineglass. “If anything should happen to me, you would have to take my place as queen. It’s only natural, if you stop to think about it… I didn’t. I only realized it after he pointed it out to me.” She stared into her cup, her eyes welling up. “I thought I could do it. I must have let pride get the better of me. I didn’t mean to be conceited about my own abilities…but I thought I could resolve this without causing you any trouble, Anis.” “You’re amazing, Euphie. You’re doing a great job as queen. Honestly, you’ve already made my life so much easier.” “But that wasn’t what my father said. He only talked about what would happen to the kingdom if I fell ill. It’s a valid concern, but he didn’t need to put it like that…,” she muttered in complaint, downing her cup in one gulp. “Ah… Ha-ha…” I chuckled, refilling her empty glass. “I do kind of wish he would be more direct at times, but not with this… Well, I can’t ignore what he said, though I ended up just letting it go at the time.” “What do you think, Euphie? Do you think I’m up to leading a band of knights?” “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in no time at all. You’re dedicated, and you always do your best to look after others.” “Right…,” I murmured weakly as I finished my wine. Euphie was quick to refill my glass. Swirling the wine around a few times, I downed it all in one big mouthful. “…Bah!” “Anis? You’ll get drunk if you drink that quickly.” “That’s exactly what I want. I want to talk with you about this point-blank…” “…It makes you that uncomfortable?” “I’m not saying I hate it. It’s just…bewildering. I’m confused, and because of that, I can’t work out what to do.” “That’s understandable. Especially considering your circumstances up till now. As a knight commander, people will admire you, they’ll dream about being like you—which means you’ll end up pushing yourself even harder, right?” “…I can’t deny that.” “I understand it must be disconcerting. But that’s exactly why I think you’ll be a great leader. I’m sure not everything will go perfectly, but if you take your time, Anis, it will all be okay.” “…Right.” Euphie was confident it would all be fine. Just hearing her reassurance seemed to lift a weight from my heart. “…Euphie?” “What is it, Anis?” “You know, I never used to like wine.” “That isn’t the sort of thing you say after inviting someone for a drink.” “But it’s true. Whenever someone asked me to join them for a drink during my adventuring days, it always left me feeling really sick.” “You can’t handle alcohol very well?” “I’m not a strong drinker, no. But more than that, I can’t handle feeling drunk. And I think I’ve figured out why.” Euphie said nothing, silently urging me to continue. This time, I refilled my glass by myself. “How should I put it…?” I murmured. “I guess back then, I always felt like I was stuck with bad dreams.” “Bad dreams?” “I’d given up on so much, but I still couldn’t accept my lot in life. I can see that now, looking back. But I didn’t have the time or experience to really think about it.” “What does that have to do with not liking getting drunk?” “The only way I could keep myself sane was by drowning myself in bad dreams… At least that’s how I feel now,” I murmured, my voice softer than I had intended. For a moment, I thought to put on a brave face…but I stopped myself. I owed it to myself to be honest, to let my true feelings show. “Whenever I got drunk, I would realize how I was always drowning myself in my bad dreams. It made my true feelings come out even more strongly… Even when I was alone, I always wanted to keep them under wraps.” “Anis…” “I don’t think it’s so bad anymore, using alcohol to open your heart. Now that you’re here, I mean.” “I’m glad to hear that… Do you feel any differently now?” “Yeah. But I’m sure I’ll be full of complaints again tomorrow.” As I relaxed, I could feel a small smile forming on my lips. Yes, I could speak honestly now, about anything at all. “I’ve had good dreams and bad dreams. But I know I can’t just keep dreaming forever.” “That’s why you’re unsure?” “Yeah. I mean… I feel like I’m finally standing on firm ground, you know?” Dreaming was like staring up into the clouds, and that was where I had been all my life. The people around me—Euphie included—had given me the power to dream. But now there were calls for me to look this way and that. I had spent all my time dreaming, but now I was in the dreams of others. So I couldn’t just dream. I had to act; I had to respond to those who needed me. “I thought all I had to do was share my dreams. To be honest, I think I’ve already achieved that goal. Now I just need to make sure other people don’t give up. It’ll be a long journey; I know that. I feel like I didn’t fully realize how long until just recently.” “I see… You certainly did have your head in the clouds, Anis.” “I’m insecure. I mean, I believe in myself. But will other people believe in me…?” “It’s difficult, being responsible for so many.” “Even for you?” “Yes, even for me.” “That does sound trying…” “Indeed.” “If it’s hard for you, too, then I guess I just need to be patient and keep on trying.” Euphie’s incredible, I thought. To take on so many responsibilities, to be entrusted to fulfill them all. And then to keep on doing it tirelessly. It sounded grueling. The thought that I had given up on those same duties was almost overwhelming. After a brief pause, Euphie let out a soft chuckle. “I’m pleased to hear you say all that, though.” “Huh?” “I wish you could focus on your own dreams. But it makes me so happy to see you being recognized more widely. You’ve been held back for so long.” “…That’s why I’ve been so unsure. But we’re the ones who pushed for change, so we’ve got to step up now that it’s happening.” “Yes, I agree.” “Ah… But still, I don’t want to be a knight commander!” “Then don’t, not right now. Tonight, let me indulge you.” “Ugh! You’re so mean! Fine, fine, go ahead!” “I knew you would say that.” “You made me say it!” “Is that how you feel? You’re saying I needn’t give it a hundred percent, are you?” “Are you making a deal with me?! You’re getting to be more and more like Duke Grantz!” “…?! H-hey, that was uncalled-for…! Why would you say that?!” “Ah, looks like I’m at match point! You’re just too fun to mess around with, Euphie!” “We’re not at all alike. Not at all!” “Sure, sure, whatever you say. I’m sorry. Here, let me pour you another glass.” The night wore on with the two of us exchanging banter and jokes. I could only hope it would become a source of good dreams in the days to come.