Chapter 115

Back then, living hadn’t had any meaning. Every so often, without any warning or any real reason, he’d even caught himself thinking, “Maybe I’ll try dying.” He’d had one foot in the world of the dead, and yet the other foot had been chained to the world of the living, and he couldn’t pull it out; he’d just looked on disinterestedly, sort of like it was all happening on the other side of some window, as the dull, vague world passed him by. Never making any move to walk out into it himself. Somewhere along the way, though, he’d stopped thinking about trying to die. He wondered when that had happened. Somehow, on this stagnant, screwed-up planet hazy with gray smog and clouds of sand that was only inching closer and closer to its extinction, he still bumped into people now and then who were trying to live strong and true even though they were just weak humans. People with that kind of vitality had reached out their hands to him. It was thanks to them that he never had chucked it after all. On his way down the spiral staircase, as he was just on the verge of tripping, thanks to his narrowed field of vision, he caught sight of a petite girl standing a few steps below him. Her fair white face was anxious as she looked up at him, hugging the radio. Her long black hair and her outfit, a black bolero jacket and skirt that reminded him of when he’d first met her, melted into near invisibility in the darkness of the tower. However, her white skin stood out against the gloom, if faintly, like pale snatches of light. At the sight of her, this girl he never lost sight of even in darkness, his face broke into a small, unbidden smile. “And Joachim…?” the girl asked, looking worried. “Mm. Dead.” His tone of voice sounded weirdly casual even to his own ears, as if he might as well be talking about tomorrow’s weather. Harvey sighed as he continued. “I’m glad the jerk is finally dead and out of my hair. And he probably wouldn’t have liked surviving in that messed-up body, anyway. He was always hanging around me making trouble and getting in my way all the damn time, and then he went and died without even answering my questions, that stupid…bas…tard…” He was blabbering, saying more than he needed to, and then for some reason his voice just trailed away. In the end, the words broke off and Harvey dropped his gaze to his feet. White hands settled lightly on either side of his face. Delicate, cool hands. When he raised his gaze, he saw her biting her lip as if to stifle something. Oh, Harvey thought. Maybe she was wearing his feelings for him. What did he want? He mindlessly reached out with his left hand and began groping around uncertainly in the darkness, until she caught it gently in her own right hand. “Are you okay?” “…Uh-huh. Yeah.” He hung his head and rested his brow on the soft black hair spilling over her shoulder. What was the difference between me and that guy? What made our paths split off? I think he was another me who traveled a different path. A me who never met someone to take my hand when I reach out. That’s what he was. This girl’s hand had anchored him to the world of the living all this time. Without her hand, I might’ve lopped off my own arm like that, too. Just like him, without even hesitating. I might’ve ended my world with my own hands without a second’s hesitation. What was he trying to do? What did he want—? “He’s a stupid bastard,” Harvey muttered without lifting his head. His voice sounded a little hoarse.