Chapter 172

It was the first day of classes after winter break, and I once again set foot in the familiar classroom. There was only one topic on the other students’ lips—they were all asking each other if they’d seen it. Were they talking about a big New Year’s special, or a hot new drama with everyone’s favorite celebrity starting up in the spring? No. I’d heard all about it from Hina a few days ago. They were talking about a certain ad where a girl repeated the name of a business while doing a weird dance to the beat of a hip-hop song. “Did you see Fushimi’s ad?” “Yeah, it was wild. She looks so cute.” Yes. Hina’s web commercial was trending. Himeji sat in the seat next to mine, clearly upset. “Stuff like this is just down to luck.” “It’s still amazing,” I countered. “Her dancing is terrible. I’m better. And cuter.” “I won’t argue with the first part, but I can’t agree to the second.” “If you did, I’d tell on you for cheating.” “I knew it was a trap.” I tried defending Hina. “Look, they made her do that silly dance. That’s exactly what they wanted.” It only emphasized her cuteness, and the Internet started buzzing with people wondering about the pretty mystery girl’s identity. The ad went public at the beginning of the year, and Hina had been swamped with work ever since. They had her shoot an alternative version right away, and she was getting offers from famous companies and fashion magazines. The mystery girl from the minor talent agency had become the woman of the hour. She’d already had work scheduled for after Christmas, and she ended up occupied all break long. I kept in touch with her through calls and texts, but the only time we met up was for the customary temple visit on New Year’s Eve. We hadn’t gone anywhere alone. “Wasn’t she going to be an actress? This is just a publicity stunt.” Himeji, Hina’s self-proclaimed rival, could not accept the fact that the other girl was getting more attention. The it girl was in her distant corner seat, surrounded by classmates and even students from other grades. A little later, Torigoe arrived and waved at us. “Did you see? There’s a bunch of people uploading shorts mimicking Hiina’s dance.” “I did,” I said. “You should do one, too, Himeji. I’ll record it.” “No, thank you.” I bet she’s gonna be cranky until this blows over. “You never know what’s gonna happen in life, huh?” Torigoe said, glancing at Hina and the surrounding crowd. Soon, Hina was back to being our school’s idol. We hadn’t gone on a date since Christmas Eve, if you could even call the two of us hanging out in her room a date. She continued to appear in more and more ads, and everyone recognized her as “the girl who does the weird dance.” While I was very proud of my successful girlfriend, we were no longer able to meet outside of school. And now she was on the other side of the classroom. Hina said things were going great. I thought she looked tired, but apparently the sense of accomplishment won out. After a while, our unspoken agreement to text or call each other every day started falling by the wayside. I began to think, “Well, I’ll see her tomorrow anyway,” and she probably felt the same. We had stuff to talk about, but if we used it up at school, we’d have nothing to say the next morning during our commute. Somehow, we’d forgotten how to make small talk. The agency was solidly behind her and had even created a social media account just for her. Her stage name became “Hinami,” and her account was the first result when you searched it. She told me that her follower count had passed thirty thousand almost immediately. I recalled how Torigoe had called Hina an overachiever. She really did do well at everything. As Hinami, Hina was able to put all her skills to use. We didn’t do much as boyfriend and girlfriend…or as anything…and a whole month passed in the blink of an eye. As the humdrum days went by, I began to feel like the month following the school festival had been nothing but a fleeting dream. It was after PE, and I was in the locker room listening to Deguchi’s banter. “Man, you’ve got one Valentine’s present secured. I wish that were me. Why couldn’t it be me?!” “Mmm, I wonder. She’s kinda busy.” “Oh, no, no, no. What’s with the negativity?” Deguchi blinked in surprise. “I can’t believe you’re saying that.” I’d been bottling up my feelings. I didn’t want to sound like I was just grumbling, and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I couldn’t ask Torigoe and Himeji—not after I’d rejected them. In the end, Deguchi’s banter was what broke the dam. “I sometimes wonder if we’re even still dating.” “Hold the phone! This is way too heavy! I didn’t mean to set you off, man!” Deguchi threw his gym clothes at me. “I’m just being honest.” I threw them back, and he finally switched gears. “Okay. Let me hear it. I want all the details, especially if they’re naughty.” “She’s so busy now that it feels like we’re back to just being friends.” “Well, she is a celebrity these days.” “She said she’s auditioning for a web series, too.” The producer had specifically asked for her, so she’d probably get the role. “Oh, I see. You’re like, Oh, poor me, it’s so hard dating a fledgling actress.” “C’mon, be serious.” “I’m sorry.” “But you’re right.” “Hey, man! Don’t agree with me!” Eventually, Deguchi realized I couldn’t handle our usual banter, and he got a little more serious. “Hey, that’s just how things go sometimes, right? Like when a club’s preparing for a tournament, and your friend has to train, so you can’t walk home together, and you stop talking as much.” I didn’t have any friends in clubs like that, so I’d never had that experience. But according to Deguchi, it was pretty common. “But this isn’t a school club we’re talking about,” he continued. “I guess it’ll keep going on like this until she quits… And Hinami is pretty popular. She’s no longer just your Fushimi, huh?” Deguchi nodded like he’d understood. “So that’s why you’ve seemed so down lately,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. “I seemed down?” “Torigoe and Himejima were worried, too. Your reactions just aren’t as animated as they were last term. You don’t seem depressed exactly, but it was clear something had changed.” Apparently, the three of them agreed. It was almost time for our next class, so I hurriedly finished getting ready. “Thanks for hearing me out. I feel a little better now.” “No worries. And…why don’t you talk to Torigoe or Himejima, too? They can give you a girl’s perspective.” “I guess that makes sense.” “They’re both worried. I think they’d be happier if you just came out with it instead of bottling it up.” He shrugged and grinned. “Though that’s just my guess.” After thinking over what Deguchi said during class, I decided to ask Himeji and Torigoe for advice. They listened curiously at first, but as I repeated what I’d told Deguchi, their expressions gradually turned serious. They sat down in their own seats, and Himeji crossed her legs, while Torigoe put her elbow on my desk and rested her head in her hand. Himeji sighed. “Gosh. You do realize who you’re coming to for help, right?” “I do. I feel bad about it, too. But I figured you would know more about how things are in the industry, and Torigoe is Hina’s good friend…so I think you two are the best people to ask.” That was the biggest reason why I’d come to them. “I guess you don’t have many friends, do you, Takamori?” said Torigoe. “Exactly. I don’t have a lot of choices.” “…I must say, I’m pretty surprised by how much work she’s been getting,” said Himeji. “It doesn’t seem like it will stop anytime soon, either.” “Going viral isn’t something you can do on purpose. I think Hiina must just have that something special. But either way, you knew about her dream from the beginning. You should’ve known this would happen sooner or later.” Torigoe immediately went for the gut punch. She was totally right. I knew Hina wanted to be an actress when I chose her, and that it was possible she’d get very busy. That would continue to be the case forever, unless we broke up. Torigoe was cutting right to the heart of the issue: Weren’t you prepared for this? “I have no excuse, I know… I really thought I wanted her to succeed.” That said, I’d never expected our relationship to go back to how it was before our second year of high school, even though we were now a couple. “Why don’t you break up with her, then?” said Himeji. “Himeji,” Torigoe chided. “You know he’s asking us because he doesn’t want to.” “I know. I’m just joking.” Himeji sighed with annoyance. “Does Hiina know how you feel?” “I haven’t told her. I don’t think this is something we can talk out, and I don’t want to cause her problems.” I hadn’t been prepared, and now I was being selfish. But at the same time, I was still happy to see her succeed. Hina had left school early for work that day, too. “I don’t think I have the right to tie her down,” I said. Maybe my dad had felt the same way. After a moment’s pause, Torigoe said: “Then why not break up with her?” “Shizuka!” said Himeji. “What did you just say to me?!” “I’m joking.” “This is Hina’s moment,” said Himeji. “And I bet she’ll only get busier. I’m sorry to say this, but Ryou, even as her boyfriend, you’re going to have to get used to being second place.” She was asking me, Can you take it? Hina Fushimi “Here?” “Yes. Thank you,” I said. My manager, Mr. Mori, parked his car in the visitor lot behind the school. “All right,” he said. “Good work today. I’ll get back to you with the details later.” “Yes. Thank you. Have a nice day.” I got out of the car and bowed before heading off. Work had wrapped up a little early, and I didn’t want to leave Ryou to do both our jobs as class reps, so I’d come back to school. There was so much I wanted to talk about. I’d listed everything out in my phone’s notes app. Stuff about work, and about the people I’d met there. And about how all of it was thanks to his support. I made my way around to the students’ entrance and changed into my indoor shoes. I checked Ryou’s shoe box just in case. He still hadn’t left. It hadn’t been long since school ended. He was probably filling in the class journal all by himself. My footsteps echoed in the silent hallway. As I got closer to the classroom, I began to hear voices. Ryou wasn’t alone. I could hear two girls—probably Ai and Shii. Maybe they were helping him with the journal. As I approached the door, I could make out their conversation. “Why don’t you break up with her, then?” What? I felt like someone had just grabbed my heart and squeezed. It was Ai’s voice. What were they talking about? I stood still, just a few steps outside the classroom, too shocked to hear anything else. Ai’s words kept circling round and round in my mind. Is Ryou talking to them about breaking up with me? My breathing grew uneven. Are they trying to persuade him to dump me…? I know they like him, but I can’t believe they’d do something like that. Does that mean it was Ryou’s suggestion…? I wanted to leave, but my feet wouldn’t move. I kept waiting for Ryou to refuse outright. “I don’t think I have the right to tie her down.” I felt my strength leave me. He hadn’t refused. Was our relationship weighing on him? I’d gotten home late the night before, then headed straight to Ryou’s house in the morning. We didn’t talk about work on the way to school. I’d been told over and over again that we couldn’t leak information to anyone, no matter what. I’d still told him it was for a web series, though. I was so happy to have his support, I just couldn’t stop myself. He must’ve found the conversation boring. Our relationship now was completely different from how it had been last month. We hadn’t been on a real date in forever, and I couldn’t tell him anything. Maybe he’d stopped having fun when he was with me. After a while, I heard Shii’s voice. “Then why not break up with her?” My vision began to blur. I couldn’t bring myself to stay there, so I turned and fled. The silver necklace felt so cold against my chest. Ryou Takamori Talking to the others had brought me no closer to a solution. They’d both told me to break up with her if I didn’t like the situation. It was extreme, but it also made some degree of sense… No, it was definitely too extreme. I wasn’t sure how Torigoe and Himeji felt, but letting it out had helped me. I’d forgotten how useful it was to talk things out with people. Simply thinking about it on my own had me going in circles, unable to reach any conclusions. It was shocking to hear someone suggest breaking up, but it was also bracing. It gave me some perspective. When I got home, Hina was waiting by the door. “Oh, you’re not at work?” I asked. “We finished early.” Why not tell me, then? Oh, well. “Do you wanna come in?” I asked. I was probably worrying for no reason. Or so I thought. “No… Ryou, listen.” I’d hoped we might finally have some time alone together, but it turned out she didn’t feel the same. I had a dreadful feeling about the serious look on her face, and all my fears resurfaced. There was a long pause. The longer the silence stretched, the more my dread grew. The anticipation made her words feel much heavier than they should have. “…I might not be able to go with you to school in the mornings anymore.” “O-oh yeah. Mornings. Okay, got it.” “I have work until late at night sometimes, and I might wind up making you wait.” “O-okay.” Hina always came to my house just barely in time for us to make it to school. She did that for me—she was matching my usual timing. But because of that, if she showed up late, I’d definitely be late. She must have been worried about that. But for her to arrive on time, she’d have to leave her house at the same time as I did. There was no reason for either of us to take an earlier train, and nothing to do at school if we got there early. That meant what she was saying was just an excuse. I wished I could ask her why. Had something happened? But I was afraid that if I did, it might be like dropping a lit match into the gasoline spilled all around us. For now, I just wanted to avoid an explosion. “That’s all I wanted to say. Sorry. I should’ve just texted you.” “No, no. Thank you for…coming all the way here…” I had to change the topic. While I was looking for something to say, Hina passed right by me and started heading home. Her profile looked pained, and her eyes were full of sadness. I’d known her so long that I could tell right away. Without thinking, I threw my fist against the door. I’d never once wanted to break up with her. But did she want to break up with me? “Were we always so distant?” I was trying so hard not to say something careless that I wound up unable to say anything meaningful. “Is that you making all that ruckus, Bubby?” Mana popped her head out a window. “You’re not coming inside? Aren’t you cold?” “I guess you’re right,” I replied listlessly. I headed inside and peeked into the living room. Mana was on her phone, wearing an apron. “What’re you doing?” I asked. “Making some chocolate. This is my test batch. Wanna taste?” “Maybe a little.” “Wanna make some?” “Huh?” “It’s tradition for the girl to do it, but I heard there’s a lot of boys who make chocolate, too. It’s a good way to ask a girl out. Though since my class is already in their last year, they won’t get to spend very long with anyone going to a different high school.” “Ah…” “Though I guess you’ll be getting some from Hina this year.” I wonder. Based on her attitude just now, it seemed unlikely she’d surprise me with chocolate as though nothing had happened. I kept that thought to myself, though. I didn’t want to worry Mana. Torigoe, Himeji, and I had made a group chat today to discuss things, and I quickly sent them a message. Think I can give her some chocolate? It was just the three of us in the chat. Sounds pretty good. I would like it, said Himeji. Torigoe agreed. They’d both responded right away. “I think I’ll try making some,” I told Mana. “Hey! Chad move.” She whistled mockingly, copying Deguchi. “I’ll show you the ropes.” “Couldn’t ask for a better teacher.” “Hee-hee. I know, right?” Mana pulled me into to the dining room, not wasting a second. The fourteenth was a Sunday, so if you wanted to give someone chocolate at school, it had to be Friday. All the boys were restless, carefully watching the girls’ moves. Last year, I’d done the same. Who could’ve guessed I’d be on the giving side this year? I was nervous all morning. I’d made the chocolate under Mana’s supervision. It couldn’t be bad—I was sure of that, at least. I’d already seen several girls giving boys chocolate in secluded areas of the school. Come to think of it, I’d never officially declared my love to Hina. I probably would’ve been too anxious for something traditional like that. Deguchi was in his seat, gathering intel with the other guys. He kept clutching his head, then looking down, then back up again in an endless cycle of ups and downs. “Are you going to give it to her?” Himeji asked from her seat next to mine. “That’s the plan.” “Hormone-crazed teenagers get pretty excited about Valentine’s Day, huh?” “I mean, obviously.” All the guys were on edge. The simple thought of receiving a confession from a girl had them positively euphoric. And yes, being on the other side was just as nerve-racking. Himeji already had a bag brimming with chocolate and candy from the other girls. “Why would people give chocolate to someone like you?” I muttered. “Excuse me?” “Nothing.” “Torigoeee, don’t you have anything for me?” cried Deguchi. “No.” “Agh, what a cruel world.” “Why would I bring chocolate for you?” “I mean, we’re friends, aren’t we? No chocolate for your pal Deguchi?” “Hmm? Did you say something?” “Please!” Torigoe narrowed her eyes at Deguchi, who hung his head. I thought they were getting along pretty well, personally. Hina used to get bags full of chocolate, just like Himeji. But from what I could tell, she hadn’t received any yet. Do you have time after school? I’d just gotten a text from Hina. I reflexively glanced toward her seat, but it was already empty. Does this mean that she brought chocolate for me? Sure, I replied immediately. At least I didn’t have to ask her now. “I think she might have brought me some.” “Oh, is that so?” Himeji said, frowning. “Wipe that grin off your face already.” “I’m not grinning.” “You are, too. And with such a pretty girl right in front of you…” I rubbed my face with my hands, massaging it back into place. I hadn’t meant to grin. “Well, good for you, I suppose,” she said. Maybe mine will be tastier, since Mana helped. We’ll have to do a taste test after we’ve exchanged them. Himeji told Torigoe, but she didn’t seem to have anything to say about it. School ended, and Hina and I finished our work as class reps. All we had to do was turn in our class journal to the teacher. “Ryou.” “Y-yeah?” Hina paused, choosing her words carefully. “I’ve been thinking,” she said at last. Uh-oh… This doesn’t sound like it’s going where I thought it was. “I just don’t know anymore,” Hina said, forcing herself to smile. I could see tears forming in her eyes. It was obvious what she had to say wasn’t positive. “A-about what?” A feeling of dread crept up my spine. “I love you, but I’ve been thinking that maybe you don’t feel the same way.” “What? Why would you think that?” “You seem to have more fun talking with Ai and Shii.” “No, no, no. We’re friends, so obviously we have fun, but that’s it. It’s the same for you, right…? Why are you saying this all of a sudden…?” This was the last thing I’d expected, but it seemed Hina had been thinking about it for a while now. Now that we sat far away from each other in class and she was busier with work, we didn’t talk as much. It was true that I was having trouble thinking of things to say to her recently. “So, how about we take a little breather?” Her voice was shaking. Her eyes were dry, but she looked like she was crying. “I made chocolate for you,” I said. I’d ignored the flow of the conversation and cut right to the chase. I didn’t even attempt a segue. I was baffling even myself, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. I had the chocolate ready, but I pretended to look around for it to give us both a little extra space. “Ryou.” “I have no idea how it came to this,” I said. I heard the wrapped box in my hand buckle under the pressure of my grip. “Am I in the way of your job?” “No! Of course not!” “Then why?!” “I love you, but I feel like we might not be able to make it work.” “How do you mean?” “…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… I need some time to cool my head… I’m already overwhelmed with work. I don’t know what’s going on anymore…” It sounded like she was drawing a line in the sand. She didn’t want me to press her any further. She apologized again and grabbed her bag before leaving the classroom. I was still sitting in my seat in a daze when I heard voices out in the hallway. It was a group of girls, speaking softly. “Sorry for eavesdropping, but we were worried about Takamori. I had no idea this was going to happen.” The first voice was Torigoe. “…Sorry, I have to go,” Hina replied. “Hold up,” said Himeji. “Can you explain to me what’s going on?” “Why do I have to explain it to you?” “Ryou was worried about your relationship, and he was excited at the thought you might give him chocolate today.” “Oh, I see. So that’s why you three were talking after school. You were stirring him up, weren’t you?” “What are you talking about?” asked Torigoe. “Don’t play dumb! You two were trying to get into his head! I heard you!” Hina’s yelling echoed down the hallway. “You told him to break up with me!” “You were listening?” asked Himeji. “…We said we were joking right after. Didn’t you hear that part? How convenient. Are you going to make this our fault now?” I heard a noise like a bag full of air getting popped. The sound of a slap. “Hah! Looks like I was right,” said Himeji. Then I heard the same sound again. “Stop, you two!” Torigoe shouted. “She’s using her job as an excuse. She takes advantage of Ryou’s patience, then ignores his pain!” “Easy for you to say,” countered Hina. “You don’t have any work right now.” “What?!” I couldn’t just sit there and listen. I stood up and went out into the hall. Just as I’d thought, my two childhood friends were grappling as Torigoe stood to the side, afraid to intervene. “Stop it, you two. Come on.” Torigoe was trying, but they weren’t listening. “Stop fighting right now.” I forced my way between them. Their hair and uniforms were disheveled, and their breath was ragged. Each of them had one bright-red cheek. Himeji’s hand flew through the air and crashed into my face. “Ow! Wh-what’re you doing?” “Sorry, I guess I hit you a little hard.” “Shouldn’t you apologize for hitting me at all?” “Well, this is also your fault.” “So what?” As I had it out with Himeji, Torigoe confronted Hina. “Hiina, are you sure about this?” she asked. “I figured it would be better for both of us this way. I don’t want us to be together unless we’re both fully committed.” “He chose you. Be happy,” said Torigoe. “If you don’t, we’ll start thinking he should have chosen us.” Hina gave no response, and Torigoe and Himeji turned and left together. Now alone, Hina and I headed out, too. I had to ask her now—what I couldn’t bring myself to ask before. “What do you mean by taking a breather?” “Like, putting our relationship on pause.” “I see…” “I’m sorry.” She’d just started her job, and she was already this busy. It was obviously taking a toll on her, both physically and mentally. Hina always took things so seriously. She was probably desperate to meet everyone’s expectations. “If you don’t mind,” she said, “I’d like you to wait for me, until things settle down.” “Okay.” “…Are you sure you want to say yes just like that?” “Yeah.” I’d never had a choice. “You won’t switch and start dating Ai or Shii?” “No.” “Really?” “Really.” “What about other girls?” “I’m not switching. Do you think I could do that? I’ll wait. In exchange, you’ve gotta do your best.” “Thank you, Ryou.” She finally smiled. But how long would I have to wait? I couldn’t ask her that. There was also the possibility that, once things settled down, Hina might decide she didn’t want to come back to me. Just thinking about it hurt, so I decided to put it out of my mind. I’d already decided to wait. I didn’t know what would happen once this “pause” was over. But right now, the only thing I could do was show my support and wait for her. And, in my heart, I’d prepare myself for the worst. …Two days later, on the fourteenth, a gift arrived in our mailbox. “Bubby? I found this with the mail.” Mana put it on the table along with the newspaper. “What is it?” “What do you mean? It’s chocolate.” “How do you know?” “You know what day it is. You already have Hina, and now you’re getting chocolate from another girl?” Mana had assumed Hina already gave me hers. I hadn’t told her about us, and just hearing Hina’s name stung. I wasn’t sure how Mana would react if I told her. Would she fume like Himeji, or understand and just try to cheer me up? I didn’t want her to make Hina into a villain, so I kept quiet. I unwrapped the gift. It was immediately obvious this wasn’t chocolate you could buy at a store. “That doesn’t look like the kind of thing you get from a friend,” said Mana, shooting me a cold stare. “You sure are popular with the ladies.” She was making it sound like she’d just discovered me cheating on my girlfriend. “I am not.” But what should I do if there’s a love letter inside? There was no stamp or label on the package. Whoever it was must have put it directly into our mailbox. Could it be…? “What, my chocolate wasn’t enough? Now some strange woman knows where we live! What have you been up to, Bubby?! You already have Hina!” “Stop yelling.” There were six bite-sized chocolates and a folded note inside. “W-wow… Those look pretty tasty.” It seemed Mana approved of the mystery woman’s skills. The note was only two words long. Until spring. “What? What’s that supposed to mean?” “…I dunno,” I said, playing dumb. It had to be her. Mana grabbed a piece of chocolate and ate it. “Hey! That’s mine!” I said. “Wow. They’re just as good as they look.” Mystery chocolates from an anonymous source, but with a little hint. It was so like her. After what she’d said about taking a breather, she must not have wanted to be too obvious. “I’d like to try your chocolate, too,” I said, turning to Mana. “Okay! I’ll get you some.” Mana pulled her masterwork out of the fridge. “It’s the best chocolate ever. Prepare to have your socks blown off.” I didn’t mean right now. But she was smiling so confidently, I couldn’t refuse. So I got out a fork and ate a piece. The chocolate melted in my mouth, producing a rich cacao flavor. A soft sweetness remained on my tongue after I was done.