The school looked a bit drab after the decorations, signs, and flyers were taken down, and the hallways and classrooms went back to their usual configurations. Once we finished cleaning up, all the students gathered for the executive committee to declare the school festival officially over. “The closing party will take place on the sports ground. Everyone is welcome to come and dance.” It was the same announcement as last year. Torigoe, Himeji, and Fushimi didn’t say anything to me after we finished cleaning. “Who should I choose?” Deguchi scrutinized the girls around us. “Isn’t going to the dance basically announcing you’re a couple?” “Pretty much,” he replied. I had never heard Deguchi talk about liking anyone in particular. “All right, I’ve made up my mind,” he said. “Torigoe…” “Sure… Wait! You like her, Deguchi?” I did a double take. “Well, I don’t dislike her. And if she says yes, then that means she likes me! Nothing to lose!” You haven’t thought this through at all. I should have been exasperated with him, but somehow, Deguchi managed to make this sort of behavior seem charming. “T-Torigoeee!” Deguchi ran up to her on sight. She happened to be with Fushimi and Himeji when he came up. Torigoe said something to him without batting an eye. It took ten seconds in total, and Deguchi staggered out of the gym, his shoulders slumped. He wasn’t the only one, either. Fallen soldiers lay scattered all around us, hugging their knees. There were still fifteen minutes left before the dance began. I could see the sports ground from the gym. The executive committee was testing the audio system. I left the gym and headed back to the empty classroom. Everyone who wasn’t taking part in the dance had already left. I could tell from their missing schoolbags. Himeji’s and Torigoe’s were still there, but I couldn’t find Fushimi’s. Then I remembered that Fushimi had never set up a meeting spot. I tried calling her, but she didn’t answer. The classroom clock said there were five minutes left. At that point, something occurred to me. If her bag wasn’t in the classroom… Then maybe… I ran down the hall, threw off my indoor shoes, crammed on my sneakers, and hurried outside. I looked for her among the students heading home, but I didn’t see her. Maybe it was my fault for not setting a meeting place. I’d just assumed she would. I tried to catch my breath while calling her again, but she wouldn’t answer. I ran to the station. People gave me weird looks, but I didn’t care. Did she go home? “Sorry, but have you seen Fushimi?” I asked a passing classmate, but they shook their head. I hurried back to the school—the closing party was already starting. Is she with someone else? I felt my chest burn at the thought. I quickly checked the sports ground, but she wasn’t there. “Are you looking for Hina?” Himeji’s eyes met mine as I looked around. “Have you seen her? I can’t find her.” “You didn’t pick a place to meet?” She sighed. “You two are such pains in the neck.” “Himeji.” Himeji’s calm expression tensed up when I said her name. “…Yes?” “I’m sorry.” “…I know.” She smiled, though the tension never left her face. “I’ll try calling her. I’ll tell you if I learn anything.” “Thank you,” I said, then ran off to continue my search. Was she waiting for me somewhere? If she was still at school, why wouldn’t she pick up the phone? I heard a window open overhead. “Takamori!” It was Torigoe. She must have seen me wandering around. “Hiina’s over there!” She pointed at the back gate. “I think she’s gonna go home! She had her bag, and I called out to her, but she ignored me!” Students could leave from the back gate, too. But we always went home from the front gate. It would be quite a detour for her. So why? “I think she’s running away because she’s scared you might not choose her!” Running away…? Maybe that was it. I was about to take off, but then I stopped. “Torigoe!” “J-just go! Don’t say anything! Ugh… You’re such an idiot! Die already! In the end, all you care about is looks!” After this unusual outburst, she disappeared from the window. I headed out the back gate and ran the long way to the station. At last, I found her. She was sitting down, leaning against a telephone pole. “…Answer the phone,” I said, out of breath. Fushimi was staring at her toes, her head down. “Is the closing party over?” she asked. “It just began.” “I see. You’re not going with Shii?” “No.” Torigoe was a special friend. She had supported me back when I was all alone. Lunchtime with her used to be the only time I felt like I could breathe. I didn’t have to pretend with her. I didn’t have to put on airs. I didn’t have to laugh at others, and no one laughed at me. I could just be myself. Just as she’d said, in another life, if she’d asked me out back in those days, I might have said yes right then and there. I still didn’t understand love, but she was special enough to make me want to give it a try. The reason I hadn’t, even after she did confess to me, was… “You’re not going with Ai?” “No.” I got tired of her roundabout questioning. “I’m here for you,” I said. Fushimi slowly looked up, her expression uncertain. “And not because I felt pressured to keep our promise,” I said, before she could bring it up. Himeji was my special childhood friend. She was assertive, for better or worse; she got things done, and she had a strong core. She was such an amazing person that I found it strange she’d want to be friends with someone like me.
✦ ✦ ✦
I began to like her when I was a kid, after Ms. Ashihara made me distrustful of Fushimi. Even after she moved away, became a professional idol, and met tons of other people in the entertainment industry, she never forgot me. If she hadn’t moved away, maybe I wouldn’t have made those promises with Fushimi, and maybe Himeji and I would’ve maintained our childhood feelings as we moved through middle and high school. I could hear a mellow dance song drifting on the wind. We weren’t that far from the school. I reached out to Fushimi. “…” She didn’t say anything as she glanced between my face and my outstretched hand. To me, Fushimi was special. If I hadn’t cared about her, Ms. Ashihara’s words would have had no effect on me. I wouldn’t have been traumatized, and I wouldn’t have started avoiding romance. Those words got to me because I really, truly liked her. Even after I was lied to, after I started to distrust her, throughout elementary, middle, and high school…we were still together. The feelings were in my heart; I’d simply been unable to face them. I kept telling myself she didn’t really feel that way—that it was all a misunderstanding on my part, that she was the same way with everyone else and I was just part of the crowd. I saw everything about Fushimi through a negative, distrustful lens. Trauma warped my feelings, and they came out as words and actions designed to keep me safe and prevent me from getting hurt. Why did I become so twisted? Why did I become so scared? And why, despite all that, had our relationship kept going? There was only one answer. “We should’ve set a meeting place yesterday or earlier today,” I said. “I didn’t think about it.” Fushimi looked straight at me and pursed her lips, as though trying to keep something inside. “…I think I’ve hurt you a lot,” I said. “I’m sure there have been times when you hated me.” The sun had already set; the streetlights lit up, shining a spotlight on us in the darkness. “But if you can forgive me, I want you to dance with me.” “Yes, with pleasure…” She finally opened her mouth, but her voice was shaking. She held my hand, and I helped her up. “But we can’t dance here, can we?” “You’re right. Let’s go back to school.” She hugged me. In her feather-soft body, and in the arms she looped around my back, I felt a clear expression of her will. Now I could trust her feelings. I could fall in love. I hugged her back. “Is this what dancing is like?” I asked. “Hee-hee. No, but I think this is a good alternative.” Fushimi giggled into my chest. I felt affection for the girl before me well up in my heart. I love you, Fushimi.