“When you joined up with us, you said you’d risk life and limb to help us clear the dungeon...but you never swore loyalty to the Arrivers. You were just saying you’d ‘repay your debt’ to us.”
They weren’t the same thing. Sofie had committed to dungeon conquest, yet she went out of her way to help the Arrivers outside of the dungeon too. All in the name of this “debt” she kept talking about. But someone with Sofie’s sense of propriety had to know the difference. It wasn’t really loyalty that compelled her; it was the sense that she still owed something.
“Helping us in the dungeon is more than enough to clear any debt you owe us. Yet you go out of your way to help us outside the dungeon whenever you can too. Am I wrong?”
Again, Sofie said nothing. Her stoic facade had cracked, however, to reveal her inner turmoil. I could hear her gulp nervously. The quiet of the night put her on the spot.
“To me, it looks like you’re punishing yourself. You’re not acting like an indentured knight. You’re acting like you’re not allowed to be happy.”
Her behavior earlier had convinced me of that. I’d had a hunch all along, but the boss encounter cinched it. She’d taken an attack for us all—when it was completely the wrong move. If she’d gone down for real, it would’ve left the rest of us to face the horde of monsters she was occupying, and with one less fighter to boot. It would’ve broken our formation, and we all would’ve been in danger of going down with her.
She should have split her aggro between me and Roslia before moving to block the volcanic blast. Someone as calm as Sofie had to have realized that. She’d been clear and concise about good strategy with Roslia on the earlier floors. She knew we could handle that much, so there was no other explanation. It was a suicidal move—and an intentional one. She’d thrown tactics out the window and jumped in harm’s way...all because she was punishing herself.
“Is it an apology to Princess Leyfa for joining the Arrivers?” I asked. “Do you feel like you’re helping her enemies or something? But you’re stuck with us because you feel like you owe us? So you’re hurting because you’re being pulled between two poles?”
“No...”
“Then stop it. Forget whatever promise you made to us. Nothing matters more to you than Princess Leyfa, right? It’s okay to prioritize what’s really important to you.”
“It’s not!”
“I invited you to the party because I was hoping you could find happiness, so this is all rather pointless if it’s making you so miserable. If it’s forcing you to punish yourself, then you don’t have to dungeoneer with us anymore.”
“It’s really not!” she yelled with all her might in an unusual burst of emotion. She had her eyes squeezed shut and her fists tightly clenched. “You’re right. I was trying to punish myself. I wanted to be in pain.”
This was her confession. For the first time, Sofie was giving voice to what she’d felt living and working with the Arrivers.
“But you’re wrong about why... I am sorry to Her Highness, but that isn’t the cause.”
“Then what is?” I asked, the words rushing out of my mouth.
Yet Sofie softly shook her head. “I don’t want to say.”
It was a clear rejection. A declaration that she didn’t want me to pry any deeper. It was rare for her to state her wishes so directly. Under normal circumstances, I’d be willing to respect that. But if I pulled back here—if I turned a blind eye to her pain—then nothing would change. She’d continue to seek punishment in our party, and I couldn’t have that. So I gave her another nudge.
“All right, you don’t have to tell me. But at least tell me why you don’t want to tell me.”
Her eyes darted around hesitantly before she spoke up again. “It’s because I’m not the pure soul you think I am.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but she proceeded to explain.
“There’s an ugliness inside of me. I want to be liked. I don’t want people to hate me. But I’m a hideous person controlled by the shallow emotions I despise. It’s all I can do to keep up appearances.” She then took a deep breath before saying, “If this party knew what I was hiding, you would all hate me for sure. That is what I fear.”
I never knew Sofie was harboring such feelings. I understood that everyone had their own worries, pains, and weaknesses—including me, Erin, Force, Miya, and even Jin in his time. That was something I’d only discovered after joining the Arrivers and learning to face people. A younger, self-destructive Note never would’ve been able to appreciate it. After Miya dumped me, I thought I was the unluckiest guy in the world. I thought everyone but me was happy.
Yet happiness and misery aren’t things you can read in someone’s face. We tend to file people under either category, but that’s got to be wrong. Everyone carries happiness and misery with them throughout their days. They’re not mutually exclusive. And I was now learning that about the girl before me.
“This may surprise you, but I don’t hate life in the Arrivers. At the end of the day, I find it kind of fun. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced anything like it... After my parents died and Princess Leyfa picked me up, I thought I’d live out my life by her side.” Sofie spilled her guts haltingly. “I’ve never had the chance to spend time like this with people my age. It’s new. It’s exciting. But...it’s also painful.”
I’d considered Sofie one of the world’s miserable unfortunates without a second thought. In other words, I knew nothing about her. I’d been acting like I was concerned about her, but it was all superficial. I had no idea who she really was deep down. I had no idea what she really thought and felt.
“I’m a criminal. I’m hiding something important from all of you.” She looked right at me. “Honestly, I don’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to despise me. But I know I can’t keep it a secret forever. You’ll surely find out someday, and it will bring these dear days to an end.”