Chapter 98

BLANKMIND WORDS 1 “You just love music, don’t you, Tsubomi? You’re always listening to it.” …Yeah. I do love it, pretty much. “You know, there was a time when I’d go up onstage and sing, actually. That’s right—your own mother! It was just a tiny little stage, but, ooh…it still gave me such a rush. The people who showed up would cheer for me to the beat of the song and everything. Have you ever thought about being a singer when you grow up, Tsubomi?” …No, nothing like that. I just like listening to it. “Ah, right, right. Well, so do I, trust me on that one. I totally understand.” …You’re disappointed in me, aren’t you? I saw it on your face just now. “Oh, of course I’m not disappointed! I’m just really happy that you and I have something we both like, Tsubomi. Even back when you were still a baby, I’ve always thought it’d be nice if we could talk about our favorite songs with each other later on.” …Oh. Okay. “Say, Tsubomi? How about we go to some kind of concert soon? Even if it’s the same tune, hearing it in a club—with all the volume and stuff—it can feel completely different! I bet you’d enjoy that a lot. Huh…?” No, Mom. It’s not like that. What I “like” is different from how you’re using the word “like,” Mom. It could be anyone singing, any kind of lyrics…It doesn’t matter. I just listen to music because once I have the earphones on and am playing it, I don’t get hung up about all the other stuff. Like all the noisy traffic outside. Like your tired-looking face. Like the hospital. It all stops being worrisome. When I close my eyes and let my body drift into the music, it feels like I’m becoming invisible…mixing into the sound. I really like that feeling. Like I’m in a world with nobody there—not even me—and it’s completely calming. So you don’t have to look so happy about it, Mom, okay? I’m not, like, making your dream come true or anything. I’m not the kind of girl you think I am, and I can’t do a single thing you’re hoping from me, anyway. …Ugh. I gotta open my eyes and wake up soon. Well, see you later, Mom. Sleep well. I had melted into the lightly swaying sea of sound. The melody was like waves lapping, taking me someplace devoid of purpose or meaning. I couldn’t imagine how nice it’d be if I ever reached that destination. Forgetting everything. Even losing myself. The image of my mother from a time gone by disappeared into the waves. I watched silently as it went away, taking with it past memories I had never really been able to express in words.