Chapter 93

LOST DAYS · 7 A lone contrail from a jetliner extended across the sky. The outside world, as seen through my bedroom window, was a contrast between the wide-open blue and the fragrant green spread below it. The insect calls, almost a little too loud, sounded pleasant to my ears. Somewhere along the line, summer happened—and now it had taken root. How much time had passed since that day? The first time I played competitively against her? …Man, I must be starting to lose it. It feels like I’m spending more and more of each day staring into space. I guess it’s really true—if you don’t keep your body moving, your brain starts to go on you, too. But that would imply that professional athletes are all geniuses, and I know that’s not the case. I sat on my bed, letting my mind ruminate on this for a moment. Suddenly, the door opened, accompanied by Shintaro’s cheerful voice. “Helloooo…Oh! Hey, Haruka, you’re lookin’ pretty good today.” “Hi, Shintaro. Thanks for coming. Was it hot outside?” “Oh man, ‘hot’ doesn’t even begin to describe it,” he said as he sat on the floor, grabbing his collar and flicking it up and down to fan his chest. “It’s gotta be the hottest day of the year so far.” He couldn’t have been lying. I watched the sweat from his forehead form small streams down his body, feeling a little sorry to make him go through the effort. “And you still got a hoodie on, huh? You sure are consistent with that, at least. Don’t get dehydrated or anything, okay?” “Ha-ha! I’ll be fine. Oh, here, I got a souvenir for you.” Shintaro took a box out of the paper bag he carried. It contained a German Baumkuchen cake. The design on the box jogged so many memories that I couldn’t help but chuckle at it. Shintaro raised an eyebrow. “Oh, uh, don’t you like this?” “Oh, no, it’s great! I can’t wait to try it out.” I remembered how many days into summer break we were. This was day number…ten? Yeah, that should be it. Shintaro’s spent a lot of his break visiting me. I felt guilty, having him walk over here in the summer heat—but, really, his visits were one of the few things I had left to enjoy. “Is that the kind of thing you want to spend your money on, though, Shintaro? I thought you weren’t a huge fan of sugary foods, and here you bought this whole big cake…” “Huh? Oh, I’m starting to dig ’em a little more now,” he replied as he helped himself to a slice. “I think I was just being a picky eater, is all…Ooh, this is good.” That was a relief to see. It didn’t look like he was putting on an act, either. “Hey, didn’t you say that the first time you drank that soda? I remember how funny I thought that was. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone enjoy a soda more than you did at that exact moment.” Shintaro scratched his head out of embarrassment. “Well, I meant it, dude! That really amazed me. I mean, I pretty much never go a day without a can any longer. Guess I owe you one for that, Haruka.” “Owe me?” I laughed. “Yeah, I guess you owe me for all the cavities you’re gonna get, Shintaro.” Shintaro laughed. “Guess so!” Here we were, just hanging out with each other, talking with each other, laughing at each other. Carrying on in this way made it feel like, hey, we might just be friends after all. I didn’t know exactly how “friends” were meant to be defined, but if Shintaro wasn’t a friend by now, I doubted I even needed any. I’d put Takane on my friend list, too. But…maybe I shouldn’t be so blunt with that. If I do, it’s like I get this bad aftertaste in my throat. Hmm…What, then? Maybe it really is… that kind of thing. But I just can never get proactive with things like that. Like, it felt like I have no right to say it. …After all, I was due to die pretty soon. I turned my ears to the insects’ buzzing. Something about the situation suggested that it’d be the perfect time for me to die. If it were silent outside, a carpet of snow on the ground, I’d probably be a lot more freaked out over it. Instead, whenever I catch myself getting lost in my own thoughts, I turn my ears to the cicadas, just like this. It’s like they’re constantly shouting at me, “We’re alive! We’re alive!”—and it puts me just that much more at ease about things. The nights, though, were still hard. Once I started thinking to myself, “I wonder what dying’s like,” it was all over. Thinking about how I was about to go into this state that nobody knew very much about brought on a sense of nausea I had trouble shaking. First my breathing would stop. Then my heart. My blood flow would freeze in place. Then my brain would stop working. After that, there’d be no chatting, no laughing, no seeing or hearing or even eating. In fact…I wouldn’t even be able to do this. Sitting and thinking about things. What would that be like? I couldn’t even imagine it. The idea of a state called “death” that I couldn’t even imagine scared me beyond anything else. Come to think of it, I used to really believe there was something out there called “heaven.” There, far away on the other edge of the sky, was a picture-perfect place where everyone lived happily ever after. And I’d get to see Shintaro and everybody else there, too. I was just hitting the trail a little early. …But there’s no way that place actually exists. Who ever said it did? It’s not like anybody’s been there. They’re all a bunch of liars. Liars, liars, liars…! I was sure of it. After you die, there’s nothing but darkness. A world of darkness and nothing else, where you were all alone… “…Haruka?” Shintaro’s voice whisked me back to reality. I must have lost myself in my thoughts again. My heart was loud in my ears, my breathing labored. Since I couldn’t give him a reply, Shintaro stood up and set off for the door. He must’ve been trying to alert someone. I grabbed his arm to stop him. “I’m okay…you know. This…this is still on the okay side…” “B-but, Haruka, you look like you’re in pain…” Shintaro appeared grievously concerned. This was probably mean, given his worrying and all, but seeing that made me incredibly happy. I immediately hated myself for it. Losing myself in thought, letting it pain me, putting all this burden on a close friend of mine…Just miserable. I took several deep breaths. I could feel the juices flowing again. Not that I had much in the way of “juices” left. Talking was starting to pain me a little, so I fell silent for a while afterward. Shintaro didn’t say anything, either, looking out the window with me. The color of the sky changed with the approach of dusk. The cawing of crows began to overtake the crying of insects. “…Sure hope you get better soon.” Shintaro just blurted it out, his voice at a whisper. They were his first words in a while. I wasn’t sure how to respond. It should’ve been simple. Just a little “Yeah, I’ll try my best” and everything would be fine. But somehow, I just couldn’t will those few, ridiculously simple words up from my throat. “…I’m never gonna.” I couldn’t see Shintaro’s face. I didn’t want to anyway, and I didn’t want to show mine, either. “…Wh-what’re you talking about, Haruka? It’s just getting a little hot lately, is all. That’s why you’re—” “No…No, Shintaro.” I swore to myself that I’d never say it, but I just couldn’t find a way to stop the words from flowing. “…I’m going to die. I don’t think I’m gonna last another month. I knew that long before we came to know each other, Shintaro.” There was no response from him. I tried to keep it together as I opened my mouth again. “Shintaro,” I said. “I’ve never had a friend as good as you in my whole life. That’s why I want you to be happy. No matter what kind of bad things you have to deal with, I want you to live the full life that I couldn’t.” The evening sky darkened. The room was bathed in an orange light. I began to regret talking about myself for so long. As expected, Shintaro couldn’t figure out how to respond. It was getting late. I had to say something. “I’m sorry, Shintaro. Do you think you could maybe head home for today? It’s getting pretty—” “I…” I instinctively turned toward the quivering voice. I saw my friend shedding large, wet tears. “I…I don’t want you to…to die, Haruka…!” Shintaro’s vocabulary far outclassed mine. He could belittle you with his intelligence, and he could also act so nice, out of consideration to you. I know. I knew that. He was my friend. “Me neither…” That’s why I could no longer hold anything back against Shintaro’s words. “I…I don’t want to die either…! Why…? Why me?! This is just crazy…” The tears left stains on my comforter. I don’t think I had ever cried in front of anyone else before. “My body’s getting more and more out of whack…,” I spat out. “I can’t even tell what food tastes like anymore. I’m scared…I’m so scared. Somebody, help me…!” I buried my face in my comforter and cried. Shintaro patted my back for a little while. I’m not sure how long. I fell asleep somewhere along the line, and when I woke up, it was night. Realizing that Shintaro was asleep on the carpet by the bed, I placed a blanket over him and went outside for a bit. I think I just walked around aimlessly for a while, with no particular destination in mind. After that, I thought about the last thing I would ever do and what I needed that to be. I wasn’t thinking, “I need to leave my mark on the world” or anything as epic as that. But something drove me to go to school. Ah, right. There was a Dead Bullet -1989- tournament coming up. I created the account and everything. It’d be kinda cool if Konoha could challenge Ene to a match. Just to wrap things up. I pondered this as I walked down the night streets. These might be the most precious moments of time left in my life. But I didn’t feel like I was wasting a single second.