Chapter 88

“Dad never told you?” I nodded silently. Kousuke sighed, as if he saw this coming well in advance. “Yeah, I guess he doesn’t like people seeing him act all sad and stuff…He never even cried about it in front of us. I’m sure he just didn’t want you guys to worry about him, Kokonose.” Was that all there was to it? Was he smiling and laughing every day simply as some kind of bluff? Was he actually crying where nobody could see him? An image of my smiling teacher burst into my mind. The thought depressed me. “…I guess we’re putting our teacher through a lot, aren’t we?” Kousuke shook his head. “Nah, I don’t think so. Dad talks about you a lot, Kokonose. He said you were his ‘pride and joy’ and stuff.” Hearing that just about made me want to cry, but I held back on that for Kousuke’s sake. “Well…Wow. Geez. It’d be nice if he told me sometime.” “He was pretty drunk at the time,” Kousuke added with a chuckle. Drunk, huh? I didn’t have much trouble picturing that scene. Then Kousuke clapped his hands in realization. “Oh! Right. Boy, Dad was really going at it that evening. He kept getting drunker and drunker, and he told Ayano, like, ‘I’ll bring him over sometime so you can be his girlfriend’ and stuff. Even though Dad said he’d die if she ever ran off with someone.” Kousuke smiled at the memory, but it was a major shock to me. The events of day one at the Tateyama house flashed back into my memory again. “Ha-ha-ha! That’s, uh…pretty nuts, yeah. Heh…” “Yeah, isn’t it? And everyone else took him seriously, too, like, ‘We’ll protect you from that guy, Ayano!’ and…um, Kokonose?” Ouch. Kousuke wasn’t in the room at that time, I suppose, but that mission to “protect” Ayano from me…I think they actually carried it out. In a really physical form, too. Well, rest assured, Shuuya and whoever else it was. I’m never going to think improper thoughts about Ayano again. Probably. Unable to withstand the awkwardness, I decided to steer our little custard conference toward its end. “W-well, Kousuke, it’s getting pretty late. How about we grab some sleep?” “Huh? Oh, you’re right. It’s two already. Sorry if I kept you up.” He picked up his pudding container and stood. Hanao flexibly adjusted himself to this sudden movement, remaining firmly on his shoulder. Huh. They really were good friends. I stood up to see him out. “Oh, you’re fine,” he said. “No worries,” I replied as I sidled up behind him and walked him to the door. “Good luck at the job interview.” Kousuke forced a smile. “Good luck at the…,” he responded. …There should have been a few more words after that, but before he could say them, Kousuke brought a hand to his forehead and looked down, averting his eyes. I supported his back. “I-I’m okay,” Kousuke said. “I just get a little dizzy sometimes.” But he practically looked like he was having heart palpitations. Not okay at all. “Are you sure? Did you need some medicine, or…?” “I’ll be back to normal in a second. I’m fine…” His face was clearly starting to lose color as his head drooped. He seemed to be trembling a bit as well. It was clearly abnormal, but Kousuke acted oddly used to it, so I said nothing and just kept patting his back instead. A few moments later, the episode was over. Kousuke stood back up and removed his hand from his forehead. The expression behind his hand seemed a little sadder than before. “I-I’m sorry to make you worry.” “No, it’s fine. But are you sure you’re—” “I-I’m fine!” Kousuke said before I could finish. I let it go, figuring it wasn’t worth making him stress further. He made his way to the stairs as I watched from the doorway. The final look he gave me still seemed a bit melancholy. I never did figure out what was going through his head that night. I hit the sack earlier than usual after wrapping up a bit more work, but the thought of Mr. Tateyama’s wife made it hard to fall asleep. That book room must have belonged to her after all. I wondered what kind of a woman she’d been. A kind one, I assumed; one who cared for her children. Perhaps it was Ayano who stepped up to take care of them in her absence. And look at Kousuke. He was trying his hardest to “change,” too, as he’d put it. It was pretty impressive, a boy that age thinking about life like that. And it was impressive how someone could instill people with so much will and perseverance, even when they’re no longer there. Look at me, meanwhile. Am I helping anyone persevere in life? I dunno. It sounds tough. I tried thinking about it for a bit, but my head didn’t offer me much of anything useful. The threads of thought untied themselves, my sense of self loosening and relaxing. Before I knew it, I was in a multicolored darkness. Nothing to fear, and nothing to feel. This must be what dying is like, I thought to myself, just as the last of my consciousness faded into the bottomless world of sleep.