Chapter 80

If what I’d been viewing had credits, then, it must have had some kind of, you know…film, too. And I must have watched for whatever x number of minutes came before, but…what was it I’d watched? “Geez, I can’t remember anything. Like, where am I, even…?” Yeah. Good point, self. Better figure that out first. Is there anything here I can use to help me get my bearings? Some kind of building, or window, or person? Hopefully looking for something like that won’t take me away from my room for too long. That was what crossed my mind as I swiveled my head around, trying to take in my surroundings— —only to find them completely beyond belief. “You have got to be kidding me.” Stretching out for what must have been hundreds of miles…was a world of pure white. It was impossible to figure out how far it went. There were no people, no buildings—not even a single dead twig. Nothing to delineate the ground from the sky, and certainly nothing like a sun or moon. Not even my own shadow. Except for the weather-beaten old TV, everything in front, behind, above, below—everything I could see—was a single, uniform shade of white. It was a mercilessly surreal sight—and it left me quivering. I recalled darkness terrifying me as a kid. This whiteness was the total opposite, but it still had the exact same effect on my psyche. Maybe worse. At least in the dark, I could imagine something good existing out there, some hidden hope to cling to. A sense of expectation. I just couldn’t see it, was all. Here, however—there was nothing. This clear, white sort of nothingness made hope seem impossible. My mind was buried in despair, failing to find any footing at all to explain this state of affairs. I had no recollection of coming here, and not a single living creature was anywhere nearby. Even if I tried journeying off, there weren’t any distant landmarks to aim for. All I saw was a constant white, white, white—projecting nothing but cruel, uncaring doom. What was up with this? Could someone even make a place so enormous, so beyond comprehension? No way. It just wasn’t possible. But as far as I could tell, nothing about this was a “creation” at all. It was simply a vast empty space, devoid of anything natural or even artificial. I could think of just one explanation, which was that I… “Ah, crap! That really better not be it…!” My voice trembled as I attempted to bring my racing mind to a halt. No. There’s no point trying to think rationally about such a surreal world. What good would it do? I’d never find an answer. For now, I need to start searching. There’s got to be something, somewhere, I can grab on to that’ll offer a hint toward escape. But is there anything? Anything at all? How do I get out of this bizarro land? No, there’s got to be a clue around here somewhere… The first thing I latched on to, of course, was the analog TV plopped in front of me. The only hope I really had to go on in this place was that television. Which didn’t matter to me. My mind thirsted for information, no matter how ridiculous. With a weary sense of expectation, I turned my eyes toward the screen—and found my hopes dashed by what could only be described as despair in textual form. “What the hell language is this…?” The credits scrolling up the screen were composed of an erratic mishmash of word strings, as if someone took languages from a handful of regions, ran them through a food processor, and posted the results. I tried my best to read it, focusing all my mental capacity on the effort. But there was nothing consistent or regular about any of it. I had at least a little bit of confidence when it came to languages, but this offered nothing to go on. I heaved a mighty sigh and took a seat on what I supposed was the ground. Looking around again, I still saw no people. Nothing besides that TV set. The last memory I could recall was being in my room, messing around on my computer. Was that correct? It was all I could conjure up, and even that was hazy. Regardless, I definitely hadn’t gone outside. This TV with the end credits…What’s it supposed to even mean? Looking at the screen made me feel, gradually, that I really had watched…something here. Something with actual meaning. Parts of it had made me laugh, I thought, and other parts were more solemn, almost melancholy. These were the sorts of tiny fragments of recall that popped into my head—then disappeared just as quickly. Right. No doubt about it, though. I’d watched the…whatever it was these credits were for. But there was something about that “whatever”… For reasons beyond understanding, I couldn’t remember any of its core aspects, as if it were enshrouded in fog. Why am I forgetting the most important thing here? “Was it…like, something I don’t want to remember?” The moment I said the thought aloud, I found some words among the gobbledygook on-screen that I could finally decipher. I hurriedly ran up to the TV, gluing my eyes to the screen so I wouldn’t miss them. My first sliver of hope. I instinctively read them out: “Let’s see…‘Starring…Shintaro…Kisaragi’?” In all my life, I had never run into anyone with the same name. Even if I had, no way this mystery person would pop up right now. Not with this kind of timing. There was no mistaking it. The star of the show was listed under…my name. So was I playing the lead or something? Yeah, right. I’ve never been anywhere near a movie set, much less starred in one. Maybe something besides a movie, then? But what else would have full-on credits like this? Televised theater productions, TV dramas, anime…Nothing I remembered signing up for, anyway. Besides, I doubted I had even a chance of starring in anything like that. Yeah. This is insane. About the only thing I could ever star in is…my own life, pretty much. My own…life…? “…No.” No. No, no. No! That can’t be it. This is a dream. I’m just having a bad dream, is all! The weird chill coming across my body, the shortness of breath—it was just part of the nightmare. Yeah. There’re no “closing credits” to my life. There can’t be…! “What the hell is this crap…? Damn it!” I stood up and swiftly kicked the TV to tell it exactly what I thought of all this. My leg smashed home, strong enough that I should’ve easily broken a toe. And yet…What’s the deal? It doesn’t hurt at all, and I’m not bleeding? Okay. Now this was scary. I didn’t get it at all. The anxiety was threatening to kill me. But despite all that…Why wasn’t I crying? What happened to me, anyway? Why can’t I remember anything? Am I really “Shintaro Kisaragi” at all? Please. Anyone. Just tell me. What’s going to happen to me now? Am I just going to disappear? Does this mean it’s all over? Or is this going to continue on and on to infinity? Is that how it’s gonna be? Me, all alone, in this void forever…? …Ugh. Anything but that. This is the worst dream ever. I felt about ready to lose my mind. If this is a dream, then wake me up already…Hurry… “…Calm down already, Shintaro.”