Chapter 77

TODAY, ON THE STREET I wonder if that girl made it back to her body. Not that it’d make much difference, I don’t think. At least I got to say what I wanted to say, in the end. After all that yapping I had to endure, during all those lunch sessions on the roof, I felt I had the right to complain at least a little to finish the process off. Yet, I couldn’t say how long it’s been since I talked to another person. For all I know, it could be the very first time. The fact that I’ve been able to go on and on about my personal story like this…It’s all thanks to that girl with the twisted personality, I suppose. It was weird, but there were bits and pieces of us that scarily resembled each other. Not that it matters much, any longer. The streetlights lit the nighttime path I walked at regular intervals, their dim glow filling me with an odd sense of reassurance. With every step, the tapping of my feet resonated pleasantly in my ears. I can’t say exactly since when, but I was starting to like nights like these. A pure shade of black concealed the pallid color of my own strained face. A rabble of needless, putrid utterances covered up the night wind for me. The darkness was willing to forgive even this warped, hideous heart. …Have I changed somewhere along the line? I couldn’t even tell any longer. It exasperated me. Not even the pain was enough to remind me of who I was. By now, I was completely unable to ascertain where the “me” was in me. But, I figured, there wasn’t any need to think about it any longer. In just a little longer, everything will be over. A blackness, incomparably darker even than the darkness I dwelt in, was going to crush me and all of my other powerless acquaintances. …Still, I wasn’t very nice to those kids yesterday. I wished I could have let that group go, at the very least. But it was out of my hands. It said that the “snakes” instinctively sought to gather toward their “queen,” and I suppose those kids were no exception. I couldn’t change a single thing. As much as I struggled to in places, everything fell into place exactly as It said it would. Uncanny. And if this world really was created for the reasons It gave me, I had no chance from the beginning. What really is happiness, in the end? At this point, I was starting to feel like we never had it from the get-go. Even those days I spent at that house started to seem like the product of an overactive imagination to me. Suddenly, I stopped, hearing the sound of someone else’s footsteps. Looking in the direction of the sound, I saw the familiar sight of Seto. “Ahhh! I finally found you!” Seto gave me an exaggerated wave, then made a beeline toward me. “Eesh, I’ve been looking for you ever since I got off work! You’re so mean! If you’re gonna go somewhere, you really oughta tell me!” “Wh-what’d you go and do that for? It’s no big deal. I’m just out for a bit.” Seto frowned at me. “Wha?! Everyone was worried sick about you yesterday, too! If you can’t get back, you could at least call or something!” Something about his lecturing tone began to irk me. Where does he get off, acting all high and mighty? He doesn’t know a thing. “All right, all right,” I spat out. “Stop griping at me.” “Oh, quit putting it that way,” Seto whined. “I’m worried about you, too, you know.” …I could understand what he was saying well enough. I knew full well they’re really worried about me, too. But, as much as I hated to admit it, as much as I had lost hold of myself, “my” heart was in pieces, painfully ripped apart. The inky cloud of emotion that poured out of it made it impossible for me to do anything any longer. “Shut up!! Geez, just lay the hell off me already!” My shout echoed across the street. “Quit going on and on like you know everything about me! ’Cause you don’t, all right?! Acting like you’re some kind of golden boy! You act like you care about me on the outside, but…” My emotions thrust themselves out in all directions. I lost track of everything I was saying. “Wh-what’s all that coming from…?” “It…It’s from the way you’re talking to me!! What the hell…? Why…?” I fell to the ground on my knees, tears rolling out of my eyes. “Why’d you all have to change…? You, Seto, and Kido, too…Why hasn’t anyone noticed me?! Sis went and died all by herself…It’s too much…” It felt like everything within me was collapsing into a giant heap of garbage. “I can’t take it…this world, anymore…” “Kano…” Seto, crouching down, pulled my shoulder toward him. “It’s all right…It’s all right…” “What is…? What’s all right, for God’s sake…?” Nothing was all right. I wished this whole world would just end for me. Then, I could… “I’m sorry I never noticed for you…I know I was near you this whole time, too…” All I could do now was trust in Seto’s words. “…I can’t do it. I’m so scared, I couldn’t talk to anyone…so…” Seto patted me on the back. I felt like I was going to fall apart at any moment. “I know. I’m sorry I made you carry it all by yourself…Let’s carry it together.” “I mean, we’re brothers.” That had a nostalgic ring to it. I recalled the night we spent in secret conversation at Room 107 of the special-care facility. I seem to remember laughing things off. Saying “Well, great” a lot more often.