Chapter 6

“Whaaa?! Oh, right…” I took out my schedule sheet. He wasn’t lying. I was only scheduled for the first period today. Of all the shameful ways to reveal to my teacher that I had been going to summer school without even looking at my schedule… “Uh…Well, okay! See you in three days!” “Yep. Hang in there. It can’t be fun, getting no rest during the holiday like that. I need to get back to work, so be careful on the way home, all right?” “Of course! I’ll be just fine! See you later, sir!” After a short bow, I crammed the test paper deep into my cubbyhole and stuck my slippers on top of it. Throwing on the outdoor shoes left abandoned on the faculty-room floor, I made my way out the door. Once outside, I was greeted with a chaotic symphony of cicadas. The sunlight I was suddenly reacquainted with mercilessly slung its murderous rays of heat upon me. The thought of having to walk the whole way back home from here caused me to let out a dejected sigh. “Ooooh…I should at least get something to drink first…” There was a vending machine on the path between the faculty room and the main school grounds. Once the mere thought of thirst entered my brain, it was impossible to drive it back out. Listlessly, I proceeded down the colorful gravel path to the vending machine. Next to the machine was one of those large, open public spaces, the kind you see in parks a lot, with an open roof made out of tree branches and vines and so on. Around the tables dotted underneath, several prim-looking female students were giggling with one another over something. They had probably just returned from watching one sports club or another hold a practice game. The gravel path ended underneath the open space, turning into plain dirt. The moment I set foot inside, every one of the girls immediately turned toward me. “Ah…!” I shrank back for a moment, but they didn’t appear to regard me with too much enmity or excessive interest. They gave me light smiles, then briskly exited the open space, whispering to one another in hushed voices. They were already gone by the time I tried to smile back at them. I could feel the sweat flow out of me, out of embarrassment or whatever else it was. With a sigh, I walked up to the vending machine. All the charmingly colorful labels pulled my attention in multiple directions, but I was firmly resolute. Only one drink could possibly wipe away the emotions I was dealing with right now. My eyes lit up when I caught sight of the black soda inside the plastic bottle, one whose shape was particularly unique among all the other selections. I took the pig-shaped change purse I had used for many years from my bag’s side pocket, flipped open the rear, and checked to make sure I had the right amount. Sticking my hand inside the pig’s back, I thrust the coins I found into the machine slot. The moment they fell inside, the buttons all lit up red, almost like a “go” sign for my throat. My aim was focused on one button in particular. Like the first alien-encounter scene in that one Western film I saw as a kid, I slowly brought my finger forward. When I pushed the button in, there was a beep, and in too short a time for me to measure or comprehend, the bottle appeared in the receptacle. I resisted the urge to glug down the entire bottle right there, one hand sassily resting on a cocked hip, every inch the lovely sixteen-year-old sitting down to enjoy her drink. The shaken-up bottle of carbonated drink product dangled from my fingers—but when in Rome, you know? Sitting at a table a distance removed from the vending machine, I unscrewed the cap on my much-anticipated soda. I had managed to keep my expression neutral up until now, but for this instant of bliss, there was nothing I could do. With the light psshh, my nostrils instinctively flared at the trademark lightly sweet scent from the lip of the bottle. If I had a mirror to look at right now, my face probably would have been unfilmable, something that would’ve horrified my agency. With that, I let the soda flow down my throat. Ahh…Whoever invented this drink must have absolutely hated summer… In fact, it seemed almost insulting to call this something as common as “soda.” It was mankind’s only tool for defending itself against the looming rage of the season’s heat. I felt something hot well up around my eyes. The first sip was complete. It would’ve been refreshingly satisfying to then slam the bottle on the table, a low, guttural groan of delight escaping my lips. But that, at the very least, I had to restrain myself from. An impartial observer would have noticed nothing unusual. Just an innocent girl having a drink and replacing the cap on the bottle. But my heart was filled with a sense of achievement, like a bent-over old man polishing off a pint of strawberry milk after a soak at the local public bath. I felt an urge to shout “Ooh, that really hit the spot!” Once my refreshment session was complete, I took a deep breath. Here, in the shade, the heat seemed more tolerable than before. I began to think about my plans for the rest of the day. “I’ve got some free time now, so I…um…?” I looked at my watch. It still read fifteen minutes after eight. I recoiled for a moment, then remembered that it was stopped when I woke up this morning. My mother bought it for my birthday last year. I kind of liked it. It was far too soon for it to die on me, and I didn’t recall abusing it to the point where it’d break on me, so the batteries must have been dead. I could have my idiot brother look at it when I get home. Reluctantly, I took out my touchscreen phone, pink cover attached. I always carried it around, but it saw use almost exclusively for work-related contacts. I supposed I would be using this phone like a pro-level high schooler if I spent every night talking with my besties about my favorite TV programs, or what true love is, or whatever. But I didn’t watch much TV—samurai dramas were about it—and I would need to make some friends first before I could start talking about love. I was fully aware of why this was so, but it never struck me as a particularly inconvenient state of affairs. Still, I never liked using this phone much. Every time I picked it up, my mind would fill up with this sort of abject emptiness. I didn’t know why. “Nine thirty…We start shooting at two, so I need to be home by one, but…” Tapping the schedule app on my phone, I was rewarded with a dizzying array of business appointments. August 14th was busy as always. I had the TV drama shoot at two p.m., an appearance at a live talk–radio show starting at six, and a concert rehearsal after that. My manager was scheduled to drive over and pick me up at one. I was used to it, but the sheer congestion of my schedule as of late was enough to trigger my depression. After that first stage act, I was bombarded with all kinds of offers. The work that arose from that single appearance had completely changed my life. My concert next week was meant to commemorate the single that launched today. Apparently it was almost unheard of for a singer to score a solo show so soon after her CD debut. It was all great. It made me happy and everything, but that song was filled with all kinds of bad memories for me. Chiefly, this was because I caught a terrible cold on the day of recording. My manager chewed me out, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, the extremely nasal voice I had to use during recording made my producer explode with glee. I had “beautifully expressed the dilemma of a young girl’s unrequited romance,” he told me, and that was the take they used on the CD. I was too dazed by the fever to really notice anything at the time, but later on, when I heard my nasal-voiced song start to play across town, my appetite immediately dropped to half its normal level. Summer vacation is one thing, but thinking about how I was supposed to go around school once the new semester started made me grow even more morose. I sighed, tensed up by my thoughts. The boiling heat was dragging my spirits further downward. I could feel the sweat, which had busily cycled between nothing and free-flow all day, once again gradually bead up on my forehead. “I should just go home…” No point sticking around here. I put the phone in my pocket and stood up. Feeling a lightly cool sensation from my legs as they freed themselves from the chair, I turned my eyes toward a faraway point. Across the school building, all around the fairly large fields that lay beyond, I could hear shouts echoing from all the sports clubs as they practiced. This must be what they call “youth.” It felt like something foreign to me, like something was rushing me right past it. After a sigh (I couldn’t guess how many that made it today), I began to walk off. As I did, I saw a flyer placed on the table where the girls had been sitting earlier. The colorful, cartoony lettering and lineup of typically cutesy characters you see everywhere in ads revealed that it was a flyer for a new “fancy goods” shop near the rail station. They were apparently holding a big launch event today and yesterday, with 13TH and 14TH written in large, splashy numbers. After looking around and very carefully crossing over, I picked up the flyer, only half-interested in what it had to say. The next moment, I couldn’t believe my eyes. “…Ahh!” To be honest, I was never one for cutesy girl-power accessories like this store sold, but there was one photo, likely placed on the far corner of the flyer just so every square inch of the ad could be filled with something. LIL’ SOCKEYE STRAP, the caption said. It was absolutely, unbelievably cute. The thing was printed so small on the flyer that you could really only get an idea of its shape and general atmosphere, but judging solely by the silhouetted legs growing out of an extremely unlikely part of its body, it was definitely a shining light in the phone-strap genre. Swallowing nervously, I turned my head around, making sure the coast was clear. Looking at the flyer, I noticed the words LIMITED TIME ONLY! front and center, although it wasn’t clear what they referred to exactly. I took a breath, then jammed the flyer into my bag. Glugging down the rest of the bottle, one hand sassily rested on a hip, I tossed it into the trash and hastily left the school grounds… —I was dizzy, no doubt from running full-bore under the punishing sun. The alley I had ducked into was lined with a jumble of uniformly gray buildings, likely part of a larger apartment complex. It felt like a labyrinth. The air was a little cooler, probably thanks to the shade, but I had no time to spend mulling over it. I couldn’t catch my breath. Hunching downward, I put one hand on the wall, sweat drip-dripping off my face and leaving wet marks on the ground. Removing my bag, I collapsed in a heap. “Huff…huff…” Slowly, my breathing regained its normal tempo. My head, still not quite caught up with current events, gradually shuddered back into operation. I recalled the conversation I had just experienced, and now tears began to drop out of my eyes. I leaned back against the wall, curling myself up, knees against my chest. Something in me wanted to cry out with every decibel I could muster, but bad things would happen right now if I made any noise. I pressed my face against my bag, but my eyes were still a flash flood of tears. I had no idea what would happen to me. Why did it have to turn out like this? I wish I never had this kind of body. I want to speak normally, to go shopping normally, to live normally. I have no idea what I am, and I wish I could just erase it all. I wish I could’ve just died alone! Alone, with nobody ever finding me! Let’s go back a little. After leaving school, I visited a public bathroom to change into what I hoped were my drab, unremarkable street clothes. But the moment I arrived at the main street on the way to the rail station, several dozen people turned their eyes toward me at once. I couldn’t have looked more different from the frilly girl on the giant plasma screen looming over town, but one by one, they came closer to me, calling my name. Oh, crap. The moment the thought flashed across my mind, it was too late. The street would just begin to get crowded around this time of day. I hadn’t thought my plan out far enough. In a moment, a crowd had formed. I couldn’t go anywhere, forward or backward. They all had their phones in hand, trying to take pictures of me with their cameras. In a flash, the crowd grew even deeper. All I could do was stare at the 360-degree wall of cameras pointed at me. Did I do something wrong? I didn’t have enough self-awareness. That much was my fault. But still, I wanted to at least try to act like a normal girl, just a little more. That’s all. The noise of the constantly clicking shutters, coupled with the murmur from the growing crowd, was a harsh static like none I’d heard before. The suddenness of it all nauseated me. Just as I thought I was about to collapse, a police siren washed out the sound instantly. It was not that narrow a sidewalk, but apparently the crowd had bubbled out into traffic to the point where someone called the authorities. But they still didn’t let me through. If anything, I felt like the siren was a huge billboard in itself, beckoning yet more onlookers to snuff me out. But I was the one calling them all to me. The eyes of everyone on this street were locked in. A number of police officers clawed their way toward me through the crowd. One of them placed a hand on my shoulder, barking some command. The next moment, I plunged into the ever-so-small hole in the crowd they had created. I tried to keep going forward, but it was like an endless tunnel to me. I felt like the writhing masses were going to crush me, and the road ahead grew narrower and narrower. Groping around for purchase, I felt someone pulling my hand forward. The next thing I knew, the way was clear before me, giving me a full view of the wide street. I wondered who had rescued me. I had no time to find out. Hurriedly, I broke into a run, but when I turned around, I could see the throng chasing after me, like they had all merged into one larger creature. I escaped down a side alley, which reduced their numbers, but now they had scattered, pursuing me with phones in hand. Pressing down the road, I kept running, no destination in mind, choosing whatever twist and turn seemed the most convoluted and hidden. I could no longer tell up from down. All that mattered was running. “Ah…!” I ran down a narrow path, only to find it terminate at a dead end. Turning around in a panic, I found that retracing my steps was not an option. —My chest burned. I could hardly breathe. I stood there, spent, my thought processes shut down, and then my phone began to ring. Flustered, I looked at the screen. It was my manager. I tentatively answered the call. From a room alive with the sounds of phone conversations, my manager began to speak, almost in a snarl. “Hello?! Where are you?!” “I, I don’t know…I, uh…” “The police just called the agency. This entire place is in a panic! Ugh…Why did you have to do this now, of all times?” “Um, I…I’m sorry that—” “Do you even realize what you are right now?! Listen! You aren’t a ‘normal’ girl, all right? You should have known that this would happen!” “…ormal?” “Hmm? What did you say? Speak up so I can hear you…!” “Am…am I really that abnormal?! I changed clothes and everything…but they all…they all looked at me, like I was some weird thing…! I, I can’t take this! I’m not going back anymore…! Thank you for everything!” “What…? Wait, wait a—” I ended the call, not bothering to hear her response. What did I just say? I had only barely caught my breath. My mind was still subfunctional. All I knew was that I had done something very, very bad, and I thought I understood how much trouble I had just put upon so many people. But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t will myself to call back and apologize. Anything but that. Amid the incessant whine of the cicadas, the faraway sounds of traffic, and the feeble vibration I felt from the air vent along the wall, time passed. How much, I didn’t know. I didn’t think anyone had pursued me into the alley I was slumped down inside, but I could no longer move, sitting there as the seconds floated on by. I wondered if my mother had heard about what happened yet. She had always cheered me on, no matter what. Nobody was happier for me when news of my CD release broke. I was so happy to see that. It made everything else seem worth it. And now I’ve gone and stabbed her in the back, too. All I thought about was myself, and now I’ve messed up all these other people’s lives… These emotions I was powerless to repress welled up into tears, one after the other, flowing out of my eyes. I thought about going off to some faraway land, but no matter where I went, there was probably no escaping other people’s eyes. I knew that much already. I knew how “abnormal” I was by this point… Suddenly, a deeper sense of anxiety coursed across my heart. Casually, I removed my face from the bag and turned to the side. The sight I saw there made my heart jump out of my throat. “Ah…Aaahhhh!!” I lost my balance, my body unprepared for sudden physical activity, and I landed sprawled out on the ground. Someone was standing at the exit of the dead-end alley. It was the middle of summer, but the hood on his long-sleeved jacket was covering his head, his long hair flowing out from the sides. The surprise was that this man was close enough to me that I could have reached out and touched him. Did he silently make his way all the way over here? If he did, I was in deep trouble. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. On the ground, unable to move or defend myself, I was in what I suppose you’d call “dire straits.” “Oh, uh…Sorry. I wasn’t trying to surprise you or anything like that…” I heard a slightly husky, yet warm female voice emanate from the hood. “…Eh?” I was already seeing my life flash before my eyes, prepared for whatever horrible fate would befall me. I could barely manage a pathetic reply to her kind words. Looking up at her again, I spotted a refined-looking face and pale white skin. By the way she carried herself I assumed she was a man, but she was female…and one who most people would classify as beautiful. I was still on the ground. She knelt down so our eyes could meet, took another look around our surroundings, then spoke in hushed tones. “I saw all that…stuff that just happened. That was quite a show you put on there.” “That…stuff?” “The crowd on the sidewalk. I didn’t think it’d erupt into such a huge thing like that, though.” If she had caught all that, that meant she had pursued me all the way from the massive mob to this empty alleyway. So was she just another one of the rabble, another curious onlooker hoping for a peek at me…? The bleak depression from before returned to the forefront, this time mixed with a smattering of anger. “I…I’m quitting all of this, okay? So please…please, stop chasing me! Uh…I mean, if you want an autograph, then okay, but…” Huh. Look at that. I really could say what I really thought sometimes. And if I got that much across, that should hopefully make her understand. She seemed like a sensible enough woman. For an emergency like this, I could whip up an autograph no problem. I prayed it was enough to make her happy. Gingerly, I opened my eyes to gauge her response. She looked blankly at me, her stare indicating she had no idea what I was talking about. “Um…No, I mean, I wasn’t chasing you, and I don’t need your autograph either. But you quit your career for this…?”