BLANKMIND WORDS 3 Before I was born, my mother was the kind of person you could build an instant rapport with. She tended to take better care of how she looked than a lot of people, which I think helped, but she just had the warmest smile you’d ever seen. I think that attracted more people to her than anything else. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it was for her to keep a family going by herself, but—from my perspective, at least—I had never seen her struggle with or complain about anything she did in her life. She was all smiles, she got excited about going on trips like a little kid: She was so lively, all the time. I’m sure everyone must have loved my mother. A lot of them were crying these big, round tears when they filed past her casket during the ceremony. The afternoon of that day marked the first time in my life that I’d seen my father. Everyone was crying their eyes out around him, but he didn’t shed a single one. All he cared about was what time it was. I still remember how bizarre a sight it was. According to what I heard from my mom’s friends, my father already had a family by the time he met her. He wasn’t even aware that I was born until after my mom died. A lot of people were against him taking me in as a result, but one thing no one could complain about was the amount of money in my father’s bank account—and so, I found myself sleeping in this room the night of the funeral, flopping around in bed while watching the chandelier above. I don’t really know what my father was thinking, taking me here. The servants who worked here still gave me the cold shoulder, and my father’s wife—I guess she was my mother now—was someone I had yet to either meet or talk to. My sister, Rin, said she had always been the type of woman to stay in her room most of the day—but she was just being nice to me. I didn’t tell her about it, but one of the servants told me once that “the lady of the house’s health has turned for the worse, in no small part because of you” and that I should “mind my own business.” That was the response I got when I had made a little request. It floored me. It wasn’t like I went there because I had wanted to. And that weirdly polite language—“the lady of the house.” It made my skin itch every time. Why did every conversation have to be a high-pressure game of wits? It was clear that people around the house weren’t exactly taking a liking to me. It was July, already over half a year since I had moved in. My daily duties mainly involved reading the books I borrowed from my sister—otherwise, it was a pretty idle life. Nothing to do, no responsibilities. They said I could use the TV in the parlor whenever I wanted, but the thought of running into a servant there squashed that idea. So there I was, resting my head on a writing desk (a hand-me-down from my father) and wasting time. The afternoon sun must have gotten in my eyes, because I was seized by a sudden urge to move my legs a bit. It wasn’t like I ever enjoyed playing outside much, and I was hardly an athlete. But with all these hours spent cooped up, I needed to release my extra energy somehow. I used my knees to push the heavy antique chair back and headed straight for the door. Not that I was going to run out the door and play some soccer in the park. I didn’t really know the local neighborhood, for one, and for two, I was generally forbidden from leaving without permission—I guess the people here didn’t like me going out much. By the same token, they’d buy me pretty much anything I asked for, and it wasn’t like I had errands to run outside the house, so I didn’t see it as any great hardship. I mean, if I asked them, I’m sure they would’ve let me go out for a little bit. But running into a servant, in and of itself, was a dreadful, gloomy experience. I could never count on them to lift my spirits. Besides, there wasn’t any reason to hit the park in the first place. It didn’t take me long to think of someplace in here with plenty of room for soccer. The Kido manor courtyard. That was how enormous it was. I was all ready to go, my heart quickening as I changed from my slippers to my outdoor shoes and made a beeline for the place, leaving my room behind me. The afternoon courtyard was, as always, tranquil. The manor surrounded it on all four sides, so to say the least, it was huge. I knew the general layout now, but when I first showed up, I’d get in all kinds of trouble after becoming hopelessly lost. As Rin put it, my father worked for a “conglomerate,” something very ancient and honorable that had been in operation since our great-grandfather’s generation. “My grandfather built this mansion sixty years ago,” I remember her telling me, nose in the air. It was hard to picture how long sixty years was, but judging by all the furnishings that lined the corridors I had advanced through, I could tell it was a really long time, more or less. Running to the edge of the upstairs hallway, I instinctively nodded at the portrait of my grandfather hanging on the wall as I headed down the stairway. On the first floor, I was greeted by wine- red carpeting, red enough to give me heartburn, extending the entire length of the hall. I realized I was starting to get a little sick of this. I was headed for the courtyard to get some exercise, and yet I was already losing my breath? But I was almost where I wanted to be. Why don’t you run the rest of the way, Tsubomi Kido? Let’s do this, I thought, as I flexed my Achilles. Then, across the once-quiet hallway, a melody began to echo. There was no natural breath to it. It was delicate and carefree, but something about the stickiness of each tone sounded familiar. “…A violin?” As if lured in, I took step after careful step toward the sound. Luckily for me, it seemed to be coming from the courtyard. When I reached it, the door leading outside was already open—no wonder I had heard the music from so far away. Up close, it was more than just pleasing to the ear—it was practically vivid. The sound of a musical instrument played live was more than just “nice” or “beautiful”; there was a unique sense of vibration, of warping, of the occasional odd note—all mixed together to form true audio timbre for the first time. I never understood the attraction to things like songs and vocals, but the melody of an instrument caught my heart every time. Just as I was about to curiously poke my head in, I suddenly stopped myself. If I showed up at that moment, I might have interrupted the performance. No, it wouldn’t be good to put a damper on things. Let’s just listen to it here for a while, I thought to myself. I placed my back against the wall and carefully sat down, trying to be silent. Then I closed my eyes, turned my ears to the melody, and found myself unexpectedly starting to nod off. I tried to restrain myself, picturing what would happen if I let myself fall asleep on the floor there, but the dry summer breeze from the courtyard caused my consciousness to slip away without a fight. …I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I only felt myself sleeping for the barest of an instant, but when I awoke, everything had changed. The sound of the violin was gone; the wind blowing in had ceased. Weird, I thought as I opened my eyes—only to find Rin giving me a sullen look. “…That’s not very good manners, Tsubomi.” “Agh…!” Surprised, I tried to stand up on the spot. But I went too fast; my hand slipped against the floor, causing me to sprawl out. I peeled myself off the ground without so much as a groan, and this time I used both hands to get up. As I patted myself down, I looked back at my sister. The sullen look was now one of exasperation. Not again. I can’t believe I did it again. When it comes to making careless blunders around here, I must be some kind of genius. I opened my mouth to take a breath. At a time like this, I knew I needed to calm down and express exactly what I wanted to say. “I—I was sleeping…I’m sorry.” The words that came up had a much easier job of finding their way than before. “Mmm. Well, try not to do it next time.” My sister nodded. She didn’t say anything else. Over the past few months, I guess I’d managed to speak a lot more than I had before. It didn’t sound natural, still, but in terms of communicating how I felt, I could do that with just about anybody. I chalked that up to my sister making a heroic effort to speak to me on a daily basis. Of course, I still made a lot of mistakes. Depending on the nature of my errors, I could get scolded pretty badly. But Rin never took advantage of that to pick on me for no reason—never. And that made me trust in her more than anyone else in the manor. “Why were you even napping in a place like this, anyway?” My sister raised an eyebrow. “Your bed probably would’ve been a lot more comfortable.” It wasn’t like I fell asleep because the hallway floor was the epitome of plush comfort. I opened my mouth to defend myself. “I—I was listening to the violin play, and I…just…” “The violin? I didn’t hear anything from my room…Who was playing it?” I had to keep myself from audibly gasping. I thought it was her—I couldn’t picture anyone else. So it wasn’t? I was so taken in by the sound that I didn’t even bother to check in the courtyard. “I was just listening to the sound of it, so…uh, I guess I didn’t see.” “Well, there’s no reason to be sorry. It’s fine. But a violin, though…I didn’t think anyone in this house could play.” “…Huh?” I couldn’t hold it in this time. If this was someone singing, that set the bar low enough—but a violin wasn’t something just anyone could handle. And, of course, I wouldn’t know, but would Rin—a member of this family—really be equally in the dark? “Hmm…It might be that again.” My sister crossed her arms and glanced at me, all but demanding a response. “…‘That’?” I replied. “Ooh, didn’t I tell you before, Tsubomi?” She was putting on airs again, her voice quiet. I started to have a bad feeling, but I just had to know where it was going. I fidgeted a bit. “Well, I’ve told you about it, haven’t I?” Now she spoke like she was acting in a play. “About the origin of this manor?” That I knew. The whole sixty-years-old thing. I gave her a nod. “Ah, well, Japan was a pretty unstable place to live in at the time, but we still built this jumbo-size mansion here, so…let’s just say my grandfather kind of stood out a lot. We had burglars come in here on more than a few occasions, looking for valuables.” I pictured the man in my mind. I had only seen him in that portrait. As for the burglars, all I could imagine were the pirates in striped shirts and black eye masks I had seen in children’s shows. “These robberies happened so often, in fact, that they put my grandfather at his wit’s end, pretty much. So one day, he finally snapped. Some burglars tried to sneak in here, and he trapped them inside a basement room, right in this manor—right under the hallway we’re standing in, in fact.” Rin tapped at the floor with her toes to prove her point. I imagined the round-faced pirates bawling inside a medieval dungeon cell. Her pointing out the location made me take a few steps back. “B-but that’s all in the past, right?” It was scary to even think of something like that happening here. My sister leaped at the bait. “Ooh, I don’t know. I heard about him trapping those robbers in there, but I never heard anything about him letting them out! And even if I wanted to find out, the key to the basement door’s been missing ever since my grandfather’s time.” She never heard about them being let out. Which meant they were still in there? There was no way someone could survive for over sixty years in a cage without any food. They’d have to be… …Wait a second. Is this a scary story? “Uh, um…!” “Hmm?” Rin’s lips curled up a bit. “Um, i-is this—? This isn’t…a good story, is it…?” “Oh, you don’t think so? Aw, it’s fine every now and then, don’t you think? Why don’t I just tell you the rest of it?” “N-no, no, it’s almost dinner, so we should probably…” I was desperate. I hadn’t even looked at a clock, and here I was dragging dinner into this. But what did I care? I had to stop her, immediately. “Aw, but this story’s gotten me so excited and everything! It’s just starting to get fun, too, so I really hope you’ll want to listen on…” My lips were shaking. Hers, on the other hand, were smiling, barely containing laughter. Someone was enjoying this. So much for never picking on me for no reason. And I had trusted her. I can’t stand this. Scary stories were the one thing I couldn’t tolerate. It wasn’t a matter of being kept up late at night—for someone like me, I wouldn’t even sleep the next day. If I heard the ending to this tale, it’d be all over for me. I did not want to be tormented by dreams of criminals tonight and for every night after that. Absolutely not. I was ready to beg her for mercy. Rin laughed—guffawed, really—at this act on my part before patting me on the head. “Aw, you’re such a cute kid,” she marveled. “I’m sorry. I was just kidding around. Sure helped you wake up from your nap, though, huh?” A little bit, yeah. In fact, I may very likely never sleep again for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot, Sis. And the worst of it was that, despite her malicious laughing, I didn’t see it as a personality flaw. After a joke like that, it’d just get all awkward if I made it into a big deal. But I did say one thing: “When I hear a scary story, I can’t sleep by myself at night…” If she started going on with stories like these every day, after all, I’d run away from home before long. I was rewarded with another pat on the head. “…Though, really,” my sister said, “who could that have been? I don’t think it’s a ghost or anything, but…” “I—I definitely heard someone playing an instrument. It might’ve been a TV or something, though…” If my sister was insisting that nobody here could play, that had to be it. It was hard to imagine someone breaking in just to practice the violin in somebody’s courtyard. It seemed natural to assume that someone was playing a recording or something, and I mistook it for the real thing. Maybe the sound was just echoing into the courtyard from someone’s room. I still had a bad taste in my mouth about it, but as long as it eliminated the “ghostly violinist” theory, I didn’t care. My sister seemed equally unconvinced, but she uncrossed her arms, apparently seeing no point in arguing. “Well,” she reasoned with a haughty sniffle, “maybe one of the servants was playing. It’s getting close to dinner, like you said. I’m going back to my room.” I wrinkled my nose. There was the smell of something faintly fragrant in the hallway. I was just trying to change the subject, but I suppose my internal clock hadn’t failed me after all. So I decided to return to my own room as well. I had gone out for some exercise, only to take a nap on the floor instead. I exhaled a sigh the moment the door closed behind me. Every time I tried to do something, it never seemed to work out. I had no idea why. My legs took me to the bed. I lay down in it, following the wood grain on the columns that held up the canopy as I considered that violin. Laughing it off as a case of my ears fooling me, I thought, was probably being too hasty. It was a clear, vivid sound that wafted into my ears. I really didn’t think it could be anything besides a live performance. Suddenly, I recalled a time when my mother took me to see a jazz band. I could still remember the moment they started playing—the live energy coming across in sound form, mixed in with the noise from the crowd. It was a feeling that had encompassed the room and everyone in it, something no recording could capture. What I just heard had the same feel to it. But if Rin was telling the truth, there shouldn’t have been anyone in this house who could play violin in the first place. She said it was possible one of the servants had a musical bent, but even if one did, would he or she be playing in the courtyard of the mansion in the middle of the afternoon? Maybe it was someone from outside the manor. Someone who was locked in here, sixty years ago… “…N-no! No, that’s not true!” I leaped out of bed and shook my head side to side. I had no idea what my brain was doing. Why was I tying the noose for myself? I was just wrong about what I heard. That’s all. That’s all it has to be. I was starting to feel helpless as I turned on the light, even though the sun hadn’t fully set yet. Still, I wandered around the room as I waited for dinner. After a while, there was a knock on the door. “Yes?” I said. My sister peeked in through a crack. “I think we’re ready for dinner…Geez, you’re still all freaked out?” She grinned. I had no idea how she knew. “N-no, not really…” I tried to put on an act. The way I kept my nose pointed squarely at the ground proved to be my downfall. The second-floor dining room my sister took me to was already occupied by my father, who was sitting down and reading the evening newspaper. He said “Hey” in response to her muted greeting, but the look on his face didn’t change a bit. He was never one for tact—really, he was downright unfriendly to people. That would be fine, as long as he had something to say to make up for it, but my father didn’t even have that. Basically, you had no way of figuring out what he was thinking. My sister and I waited silently for dinner to arrive as my father’s eyes remained on the newspaper headlines. It was always one of the most difficult things to bear, living here. After a few minutes, the meal arrived. The main dish was a kind of grilled beef; it came with cooked broccoli and carrots diced in some sauce. Carrots. Hmm… Carrots, huh? Guess I’ll have to eat them. Just as we began eating and I prepared myself to wage mortal battle with my vegetables, my sister spoke up. “Hey, by the way, Tsubomi said she heard someone playing the violin out in the courtyard. She didn’t see who it was, though…Do you have any idea?” I froze in place, a carrot piece still skewered on my raised fork. Wait a sec, Sis. You didn’t have to ask our father about that, did you? You know he’ll just say “Your ears must’ve been fooling you, kid” or something. In fact, ever since I had arrived there, I had never seen my father have any kind of palpable reaction to anything. But despite my expectations, I found his gaze fixed on me. “…You listen to music?” The sudden question threw me. It was probably the first time he had ever asked me a question. I looked toward my sister for help, but her face was just as blank—it must have been a rare and novel sight to witness for her, too. I had to reply, or else who knew what would happen. I mustered my mental strength. “I, um, just a little.” “You do…?” my father said, narrowing his eyes before turning to the meat on his plate. “…She listened to it a lot, too, whenever she could.” Before I could comprehend what he meant, I heard a sharp clink! coming from my sister’s seat. I looked over. The knife she was carrying was now on the table; it must have bounced off a plate on the way there. She was a huge stickler for etiquette, so this was naturally a first. It seemed like she didn’t really know what had happened, either, but once she regained her senses, she blurted out a “Sorry about that” and turned her eyes downward. He must have been talking about my mother. My biological one. I couldn’t imagine what else would elicit that disturbed reaction. And why wouldn’t it? Talking about a woman who betrayed the both of us, in a way, is a pretty serious affront. I wondered why he brought it up at all. There was nothing I could read from his cold, indifferent eyes. But…yeah. I guess that was the case. My sister must have still been in a state of shock over me and my mother. She had been hiding it the whole time as she interacted with me. Maybe she doesn’t harbor any good feelings toward me at all. It wouldn’t be one bit strange if she thought it’d be a better world without me. Simply having me around, after all, meant that everything—all of it—was true. If I wasn’t here, maybe she could’ve convinced herself it was all a lie instead. Thinking about that made my hand begin to shake. I felt nauseated. A bit of a groan escaped my lips. “Tsu-Tsubomi?” My sister’s worried tone made something explode in me. I shot to my feet and ran out of the room. I could hear something crashing loudly behind me; I must’ve knocked some of the tableware over. But I didn’t turn back. I ran along the hallway, went downstairs, and headed for the front door. Pushing the heavy door open and bolting outside, I could see the shadow of the front gate lit dimly by a nearby street light. If I was going to escape these walled-off manor grounds, it would have to be through there. I ran over and tried the bar that ran across the doors. It was padlocked in place and immobile. I looked up to see if climbing was possible, but the sheer height was nothing I could ever manage. Of course, even if I could climb that thing, what was I gonna do then? If I went away in this awkward state, they might try searching for me. And how would that affect my sister…? …No. I can’t just flee. The moment the thought crossed my mind, I found myself unable to withstand the nausea. I crumpled to the ground. I tried to put myself together, but even breathing was proving to be a challenge. My vision started to grow bleary, the inside of my head burning in pain. The cold stone pavement under my palms began to rob me of my body heat. It felt like I was being swallowed up by the darkness of the night. And, ah, if only that could’ve really happened. If I had no place to live, no place to go, I couldn’t imagine how easy it would’ve been to just disappear on the spot right then. Yeah. That’s right. I should just disappear. Then I wouldn’t be a bother to anybody. Even now, in the dead of summer, the light wind failed to warm my skin. I could always blame my shaking on that. That was easy. But if I wanted to disappear…I could do that by myself. I knew how simple that was. In fact, I noticed this too late, if anything. I just have to stay like this, and… Suddenly, I felt something heavy on my back. I realized it was my sister’s hands, trying to pull me up. I tensed. “Let—let me go.” “No. I won’t let you go. Where do you think you’re going at a time like this? …Come on. Let’s go back to your room.” There wasn’t the usual firmness behind her voice. Her breathing was ragged. I knew she must’ve run after me. But I just couldn’t give the usual obedient reply. “N-no. Why can’t you just leave me alone?” “I can’t do that. I’m your sister. Why wouldn’t I be worried about you?” Your sister. In the eyes of the law, anyway, she was right. But the story behind us wasn’t simple enough to wrap up in a single word. Her father ruined his daughter’s trust when he created me. Was she truly capable of using a word like “sister” so breezily about me? I didn’t know. I was scared. I violently peeled Rin’s hands off and turned toward her. “But if…if I’m here, then…It’s hard for you, isn’t it? You keep on thinking about stuff! I…I…I’m the daughter of my mother!” The words and tears came out like I was coughing up each one. My sister’s face, blurred in my vision, seemed half-scared, half-unsure about what to do next. Why did I have to step up and say things to make her hate me? That was supposed to be the one thing that scared me most. …But maybe not. Maybe I was really scared of being betrayed by someone I believed in. That’s why I wanted them to hate me instead. It was ridiculous. Trampling all over my sister’s kindness for such a ridiculous reason…I was just awful. But this meant she didn’t have to get herself worked up over me anymore. There wouldn’t be any patting me on the head if I was too hot to touch. That’s what I thought, at least. From the bottom of my heart. Until Rin brought me closer. “…Who cares about whoever gave birth to you? You’re the only sister I have in this world. My favorite.” That was what I heard as she pressed me deeply into her chest. The anxiety and fear silently tumbled away, turning my head into a white blank, nothing left floating in it. I tried opening my mouth to express my feelings. I wanted to say “I’m so happy” or something, but none of the rushing emotions allowed themselves to be put into words. All I could manage was some weak-kneed sobbing. I kept it up for a while. Then I shot my head up, realizing that tears, or my runny nose or whatever, was starting to stain Rin’s white blouse. “I…I’m gonna ruin your clothes,” I said, even though it was a little too late to warn her. My sister stared blankly at me for a moment, then quickly regained her soft smile and brought my head to her chest. “Oh, that doesn’t matter.” The scent of her hair entered my nostrils. It smelled like orchids, I thought. Pale, beautiful, dignified. It suited her perfectly. I couldn’t help but marvel at it. How beautiful, how strong, and how gentle my sister, Rin Kido, was. Will I ever be like that someday? Someone so willing to accept others and gently bring them closer to her heart? The chilly night wind now felt pleasant against my flushed cheeks. Enjoying my sister’s warmth, I kept her hands close until the tears stopped.
Chapter 103
24 min read