Hi, everyone! It’s me, the Spirit of Wind, Sylphie! Thanks for always supporting me and Elementario! Where do you like to shop on your days off and stuff? I go to Sugamo!
But lately, I’m so busy with work, I can’t go shopping at all! That’s why Internet shopping is super cool! I love dodonbashi.com! And of course I’m a regular patron of Nyamazon!
Now I’m gonna introduce a magic item I just bought on the ’net! I bought it with my own money, so no holding back! Mr. Maker, hold on to your butt! Today I’m gonna introduce Fumokilla Chemicals’ “Palpon Next Super Jet!”
Look! It looks like insecticide or hairspray, right? Check out that funky psychedelic logo! If you hit something with this spray, it has the same effect as eating those magical flowers, the palpons! You know palpon flowers, right? They look like little sunflowers, but they have sunglasses, and they wriggle their bodies all around and do a funky dance! If you eat them, you feel awesome! It makes you the most excitedest! I hear they mainly grow in the Tiradaho region of Maple Land! Tiramii-senpai, the Fairy of Flowers, has done a lot of selective breeding with palpons, I hear!
The Palpon NEXT Super Jet is a magical item that gives you the same effect in handy-dandy spray form! Awesome! The ingredients say “Pyrethroids (futarusurin, resmethrin), kerosine” but who cares! I bet it’s great for killing bugs, too! With mosquito season coming up, it’s a bargain!
Okay, I guess I’d better use it, huh? Women gotta be brave! I’ll try it as many times as I need! Point it right at my face, and bloosh!
It hurts! It hurts! It stings! It stings like tonic shampoo! It’s seeping into my organs!
So, let’s see what it does! ...Any effect?! I’ll measure the time in my favorite hourglass! Let’s dance around and wait excitedly for three, six, and nine minutes!
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......No change at all! I’m not excited! I’m the same Sylphie I was! Too bad!
I bet this Palpon NEXT Super Jet is a big old case of false advertising! Because I’m totally like usual, see? I’m as excited as ever, see? Too bad!
But that’s not much of a review, so let’s test it on other people! It’s the only way to be fair! By the way, I’m writing this review from the greenroom as always! And just at the perfect time, a person who’s always a big sourpuss has arrived—it’s Salama-san, the Spirit of Fire!
“Salama, Salama!” I cried out excitedly.
“Yeah?” she said.
“Bloooosh!”
“Geh?!” she cringed.
I did it! I sprayed Salama! I sprayed it on hard! Wowie! I got a perfect result! Salama-san was really high-strung as she got mad, and then she cried, and then she started dancing!
I felt bad and said, “Sorry!”
She just said, “Don’t worry! Don’t worry! Wow! Get up-pah!” And I got so happy I started dancing with her! It was so fun! We’re good friends! We held hands and spun and spun until Muse and Kobory entered the greenroom, too!
“Wh-What are you doing?” Muse asked.
“A-Are you guys all right?!” Kobory put in.
And now I knew it worked, so I sprayed them both with the Palpon NEXT Super Jet too! I said, “Bwahaha, you can’t escape,” and I sprayed them! It’s a ‘super jet’ after all! For purposes of review, I’d say it’s effective, even from three meters away! Perfect!
Muse and Kobory got all excited, too! We all held hands and danced around and around! Then we did a Cossack dance, and a Bali chaka, and a Masai war dance! We’re such good friends! It was so fun!
But I think we made too much noise! Moffle-senpai, who had come to discuss the show on the main stage, got so mad at us! “Wh-What are you doing, fumo?!” he said. But don’t worry, I sprayed Moffle-senpai, too! I was all blooooosh!
“Guh!” he cried out. I sprayed him in the face! Sprayface! “Wow! I feel great, fumo! Dadada!” Moffle-senpai also joined in with a very complicated dance!
Wow! Wow! Now Moffle-senpai joined in, and all five of us did a Mayim Mayim! Mayim mayim mayim mayim mayim mayim b’sason! You know?
Then Macaron-senpai and Tiramii-senpai showed up!
“What’s all this noise, ron?!”
“Is that palpon flower...?!”
They both trembled, but don’t worry! I showed no mercy! Bloooooosh!
“Roooon!”
“Miiiii!”
Macaron-senpai didn’t seem to like it, but I think Tiramii-senpai really liked it?! They both got super excited right away!
“I’m gonna dance too, ron!”
“Watch my moves, mii!”
We now had seven of AmaBri’s top stars doing the mayim mayim just great! It was a total waste to do it backstage! So here’s what I said: “Let’s all go onstage!”
“I’m in, fumo!”
“I’m in, ron!”
“I’m in, mii!”
We all dashed down the corridor! On the way I sprayed everyone I met! Wrenchy-kun, Ironbeard-kun, Biino-chan, Shiina-chan! Sprayface!! They all twisted and turned and they looked really happy!
“Let’s goooo,” I shouted out in joy!
“Yeeeah!” everyone else cheered.
We kept charging forward, dancing the Tokyo Ondo! But as we got to the stairs to the underground passage, our manager, Kanie-kun, stopped us!
“Hey, you guys! What’s wrong with you?” he demanded suspiciously. “Have you been drinking?!”
“We haven’t been drinking! We’re just excited!” someone said.
“This is a serious problem! You can’t go out in front of the guests!” he yelled. “Listen to me! Turn around right now and—” Bloooooosh! I sprayfaced Kanie-kun, too! I figured it had to be fun!
“Blugh! Ugh... ngh...” Kanie-kun staggered and pitched over. “Ugh... uh... ngh...” Ah. Did he endure it somehow?!
Everyone gulped, not just me! If Kanie-kun said no, we knew that meant no, no matter how excited we were! Plus I didn’t want him to be mad at me!
“Ngh...” he groaned.
“Kanie-kun?” I asked.
“Ugh... heh.”
“You okay?”
“Please! You call that dancing?” he scoffed. “Let me show you how it’s done! Poooow!” Kanie-kun started moonwalking! And he was really, really good at it! “Poooow! Poooow!” For some reason, he was mainly doing Michael Jackson dance moves, but it was amazing! “Poooow! Poooow!”
We all applauded! We did the Thriller dance together! We were so in sync! We were all zombies! Wow! We headed for onstage, walking like zombies, when we found Isuzu-san waiting at the top of the steps! She was standing right there with her musket pointed at us. It was so cool!
“You won’t get by me,” Isuzu-chan declared!
“Poooow!” Kanie-kun said.
“Poooow, fumo!” Moffle agreed.
“Seiya-kun... Lord Moffle... you’re in on this, too?” Isuzu-chan sighed. “How regrettable. Who’s responsible for this? Was it you, Sylphie?”
I raised my hand real fast! “Yep! Is it bad?”
“Yes, it is,” she said sternly. “You must disperse at once.”
“Grr... if it’s a fight you want, you got it!” I told her. As a reviewer, I had to see this through to the end! So I readied the Palpon NEXT Super Jet!
“I like your spirit,” she said admiringly. “Bring it on.”
“I’d love to!” I said happily. “Okay... let’s go!”