“Hmph. Whatever you say, fumo. A gentleman like me will just laugh at your vanity, but Kobory and Sylphie are different, fumo. They’ll take you seriously.”
“M... mmgh...”
“So even if Muse got worried and told them to invite you... you can’t really blame her, fumo.”
“......” What the hell? I wondered. How pathetic am I? Super pathetic, actually...
“Moffu. Pretty lame, eh?” Moffle teased. “Salama-san’s cool girl image is all down the drain.”
“Just... Just butt out.” It took all I had to say that. Everyone was being super considerate of me, and what was I doing? It was pathetic. Super pathetic.
“Moffu,” he said happily. “That look of humiliation on your face is really something, fumo. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone; I’ll keep it for my own amusement, fumo.”
Shut up, I thought venomously. Die, you plague rat.
“Look at those defiant tears. You’re thinking, ‘Shut up. Die, you plague rat.’ Aren’t you, fumo?”
“O-Of course not...”
“No, I can tell, fumo!” Moffle-senpai’s conscientious driving took us to an intersection near Seiseki Tsubakigaoka, where Moffle-senpai let out a sigh. “...Anyway, I don’t know why Muse wouldn’t let you stay with her, fumo. So you need to stop moping and just ask her, fumo.”
“But...”
“You’re best friends, aren’t you, fumo?” The directness of the question caused me to avert my eyes. I felt like my face was on fire.
“You aren’t, fumo?” he asked again.
“Well, I...”
“Which is it, fumo?”
“W-Well...” I sniffed. “I think I’d... like to be...”
“Then talk to her. And quit making us worry, fumo.”
“Not like I asked you to...”
“Hmph.”
The neon of the suburbs rolled past. Signals and street lights blinked in the corners of my vision. I couldn’t even look at Moffle-senpai head on.
“Um... Moffle-senpai?” I finally said.
“Yeah, fumo?”
“Are you being... um, kind to me?”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “Though the kindness is mostly meant for Muse. It’s only 10% directed at you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered. “Well, thanks a ton.”
“What kind of half-hearted thank you is that?” he wanted to know. “Give it a little more spirit!”
“Yeah, yeah...”
“You did that on purpose, fumo! It’s getting on my nerves! Do you know that the people most frequently wounded in traffic accidents are in the passenger seat?!” Moffle demanded. “You’re at the mercy of my driving, you know!”
“Look, whatever,” I told him. “We’re almost to the meet-up point.”
Muse was standing in front of a conspicuous convenience store on a big thoroughfare near the station, wearing her street clothes: a baggy T-shirt and tight-fitting shorts. So cute... Muse noticed our car, and waved as hard as she could.
“Oho, there she is,” Moffle chuckled. “...And Salama, don’t tweet about this conversation, all right?”
“Oh, come on!” I protested. “You know I wouldn’t!”
“No, you would, fumo. ‘Moffle gave me a lecture about my working relationships. What a bossy boss,’ and such.”
“I wouldn’t!” I’m not that insensitive! Besides, my smartphone battery is down to 12%... Well, of course... If it had been over 50%, I really might have posted a grievance or two.
Moffle-senpai let me out, and once his car was out of sight, Muse said: “Salama... seriously, don’t tell anyone, okay?” That was the first thing out of her mouth. She didn’t even say hello.
“Don’t tell anyone... about what?” I asked.
“I can’t really explain it... Just promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
Things had already been awkward between us lately, so I didn’t know how to react to that. To be honest, I figured the second we met, she’d have a few nasty words for me... I mean, this had only happened because Kanie-kun strong-armed her into it.
“I’m... staying in a boarding house,” Muse admitted.
“I heard.”
“It’s just the standard thing, okay? It’s a normal house, but they rent out rooms on the second floor to girls...”
“Ah, yeah. I’ve heard about that,” I said. “It’s the kind of arrangement that lets both the landlady and the renters feel more comfortable.”
“Yeah. The rent is pretty low, too... So being able to stay there has been a huge help,” Muse said earnestly as she walked down the lit-up street.
“So, what’s secret about it?”
“Well... the landlady, okay? She’s a doctor.”
“R-Right...” What’s the problem with that? I wondered. It’s a great job.
“Ah, but I’ve never been her patient, okay?! Not once! I mean it! ...Just, it results in a lot of misunderstandings, and I get embarrassed... and maybe it’s not fair to the landlady, it’s just, it’s really not what you’d think! Just keep that in mind!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about...” I said, feeling bewildered.
“Just keep it secret, okay?” Muse insisted. “Don’t ever tell anyone!”
“I won’t, okay?” Why the hell would I tell anyone? I was feeling a little sad about how little she trusted me. But just as I was sighing about that...
“Here’s the boarding house...” Muse said, and stopped. Her head was bowed and she was as red as a beet.
I finally got a look at the hospital, which was a large house made of reinforced concrete. There were three entrances: one for the residents, one for boarders, and one for patients.
The sign on the hospital read: “Proctologist.”
My eyes opened wide. Proctologist?
“Like I said, I’m really not a patient, okay?” Muse insisted, talking fast. “Okay?! I’m not! I just live in the same building... Salama, why won’t you say something? Are you freaked out? You are, aren’t you?! But it’s really not true! Say something! Hey! Please!” Muse clung to me, eyes filled with tears.
“Well, this... explains a lot...” I trailed off.
“Ah... what do you mean by that?!” she wailed.
Of course she couldn’t say it. All the tension flooded out of my body. What had I spent all those days depressed for? A proctologist, huh? Of course she couldn’t admit to that. If I were in Muse’s shoes, I wouldn’t admit to it either. Not a chance in hell.
“Well, “ I explained, “I was just thinking ‘ah, that fits.’”
“I-Is that a pun?!” she choked out. “Are you enjoying this?!”
“No,” I said, “of course not!”
“But, but...”
It’s not a pun! It’s a coincidence! An act of God! Stop twisting everything! You’re making me want to cry! I thought. Well, cry from laughter, maybe...
“Salama... don’t hate me!”
“I’m not going to! Now, quit annoying the neighbors with your shouting and let’s go inside. Okay? Okay?”
“Yeah... I really am sorry.”
“And why are you apologizing?” I demanded. “Knock it off.”
“But... but...”
“I already know everything.” Yes, it all added up now. My spirit felt the lightest it had in several days. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“But...”
“Go in, go in!” I urged her. “Hurry, hurry!”
“O-Okay...” Dragging her feet, Muse walked in the entrance for the boarding house.
I let out a sigh, and then followed her.
Muse’s apartment was pretty large and very clean. The futon she laid out for me was fluffy and comfortable.
I used her shower, and when I came out she was already asleep in bed. Of course, I had to take pictures. Ugh. She’s so trusting I could die!
The shutter sound woke Muse up, and she sleepily said, “hey, cut it out,” and we spent a little time winding down together. Before she went back to sleep, we had a nice talk about romance and life.
I even got to have the exchange I’d dreamed about, where I asked, “Muse, are you asleep?” and she clearly was.
I woke up the next morning to the sound of sparrows chirping outside. Muse was making miso soup! She wore a thin apron over her around-the-house clothes and said, “Morning, Salama. Breakfast will be ready soon!”