EPISODE 1 LET’S SERVE RYOUTA! Ten minutes later, Ryouta and Shiren arrived at the Fuyukura household. She brought down a blanket. “Ryouta, sleep on the couch. You can see the TV from there.” “Oh, thanks. But it’s time to make dinner, so I’ll—” “No, I’m cooking today! I’m serving you!” Shiren said, sticking out her hand at him in a dramatic no! kind of pose. It made him think of something he’d see in Kabuki. “You need energy to recover, so you can rest for a few days. See? I’m not child… Wh-who are you calling infant-sized?! I’m no ironing board or flatheaded baby!” “I didn’t say anything! You’re so self-conscious, you’ve got a victim complex!” “Anyway, I am not a child. I pay the adult fare on public transportation,” she insisted, as a child might. “I could take care of one or two of you, Ryouta! Leave this to me!” “I sure hope there aren’t two of me.” “There could be fifty, a hundred of you, and it’d be a piece of cake. I could round you all up in one go!” “I’m not a low-level trash mob, am I?!” “And then you will pledge a higher degree of loyalty to your dear master! When you next serve, think of how your master served you and let it stir your heart! Let the tears stream down your face!” “This is starting to sound super patronizing…” It was like a high-interest loan, which he was starting to feel would just make things worse down the line. “But everyone else will get ahead of me if I don’t do this.” “Hmm? What did you say?” “Nothing! I don’t have any ulterior motives! As they say in English, I DON’T HAVE UNDER MIND!” “That’s definitely not right!” Despite her bragging about adult fares, her academic ability was awful, at the least. “Wh-what…? I’ve been studying English really hard, though… I learned how to spell b-a-n-a-n-a and t-o-m-a-t-o…” “You know those are basically the same as in Japanese, right?” “Anyway, I’m serving you, so you rest, Ryouta! We need to do this quickly; otherwise, Rei might come by and say that she’s going to be taking care of you! We need to hurry up before that happens!” “How do I rest quickly…?” He was still confused, but she was just going to get even angrier with him if he didn’t follow orders, so he lay down on the couch. Shiren was in the kitchen, the next room over, apparently ready to start cooking. I don’t trust her at all, but I have no choice except to let her do it… Ryouta already knew that Shiren’s cooking skills were catastrophically bad. “Hey, don’t force yourself to get too creative, okay?! You can get ready-made meals, too! Actually, please don’t get creative at all!” Amateurs often made their own adjustments without knowing the effects they would have; this, on top of the typical mistakes an unpracticed hand would make, often resulted in chaos. It was like someone who didn’t know anything about fashion trying on clothes from Paris Fashion Week—a disaster waiting to happen. “And you don’t need to add any olive oil, Chinese chili-bean sauce, or Japanese pepper as a secret ingredient, okay? When an amateur does it, you won’t bring any flavors out at all. You’ll just ruin it!” Ryouta was fussy about this, considering the kitchen was usually his domain. She had to master simple recipes before anything else. Everything began with a first step. Everyone had to start off knowing how to make a decent curry. “It’s all right. I’m looking at a cookbook and following the recipe exactly. It shouldn’t be a problem.” “I guess you’re right…” “Let’s see here… First, I put salt, sugar, olive oil, Chinese chili-bean sauce, and Japanese pepper into the pot…” “You’re not keeping to the recipe at all! And don’t start off with all your secret ingredients at once!” “This is right! This is what the book is telling me to do!” “Are you sure?! If it’s in the book, then I guess it’s okay…” “Then I add one hamburger and one piece of fried chicken, then mix well…” “Wait, wait, now it’s just weird!” The recipe was including food that was already made. “I’m doing as it asks. I’m looking at a book called With a Little Effort, Make Chain Dishes Taste Better (Bloodeisha).” “Just let me eat the hamburger and fried chicken, then!” He hated to be so blunt, but that would be safer. “Okay, then next, I’m going to try the tomato sauce–style miso mackerel written in this book, Avant-Garde Cooking: An Encounter with the Unknown (Bloodansha).” “Stop! Use a book that has regular recipes in it! And when did you buy these things?!” “I also have My Cooking Methods Are Wrong, As I Expected (Bloodgakukan) and Truly Terrifying Home Cooking (Bloodokawa).” “How the heck would anyone make anything good from books with those titles?! Buy a normal one! Please!” “Rei left these here. She talked about how making you one of these recipes was a dream of hers. Then I think she forgot about them.” “She literally has no sense of taste…” Rei was sickly, which affected her taste buds. “Um, put in chili, chili, chili, and chili, then boil. Add chili, chili, and chili as the secret ingredient. When it starts looking like chili, put in a dash of chili. Pretend to add sugar, but it’s actually chili. At the very least, chili; at the very most, chili.” “That sounds super spicy! You plan on feeding an injured person that?!” “No one needs love, only chili. Throw everything away now and embrace the chili. And now a haiku: O spicy chili / It’s spicy, spicy chili / Wow, spicy chili.” “You’re speaking just loud enough for me to hear you from the kitchen; you’re awful…” Ryouta turned on the TV to escape reality. The Sanguine News program should be on at the moment. It was perfect, considering how he had no idea what the current political situation was like. “In our next segment, the government has officially decided to dispatch a special envoy to normalize relations between the Empire and Japan.” The newscaster was reading the headlines—surprisingly legitimate for the Empire. The camera showed a close-up of Ouka, dressed for the occasion in a suit. That’s a good look for her… Ryouta couldn’t help but stare, considering he basically never saw this side of her. “After talks with the leader of Japan, we have officially agreed to send a special envoy for the growth of both our countries. I hope, as your emperor, that we are able to conduct constructive talks.” Her face was aloof, almost authoritative, probably because of the situation she was in. “However, the selection of our envoy and the date of their dispatch will be kept secret out of consideration for their safety. I ask you to rest assured, because we will notify all of the results. As top brass, I am thinking hard about how we’ll be able to acquire foreign currency, so I ask you to work hard. Then play hard and use your money to keep the economy going. That is all.” It was a mess of a speech, as always. “In our next segment, we are announcing the anime adaptation of You’re Rouko, I’m Kouko! Learn about the voice cast after our commercial break! I’m looking forward to seeing who will be included!” “Oh, hey, they’re finally putting YouRou IKou! on air,” Ryouta commented. “It’s a weird feeling when a series you’ve been following from the beginning gets big. Exciting, but kind of sad at the same time.” “Yeah. I am happy that more people will know about it, but you don’t get to feel in the know.” “And then there’s the question of whether or not they’ll keep the vibe of the original. Well, the original is in an entirely different medium, so I don’t think it’s that important to preserve the tone, but you still hope it’ll be good.” “Yeah. But that’s just how it is as a fan.” “I’m certain they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to make the anime, so I have no doubt in my mind that they’re using a good production company and a good director. Ah, right, I’ll have to give congratulations to Alfoncina.” “Good idea; she’s been working hard as Kin Hayashimori, too.” “Oh, and speaking of anime, season two of Cat-Eared Abbot: The Zen Mind is incredibly good. I have it recorded, so watch it.” “Isn’t Cat-Eared Abbot that slapstick manga with the bald monk with cat ears? Hard to forget that one.” “Yes. The main character is deep, but the characters around him are super cute, so it gets a lot of fanworks. When you put a manga with such a unique cast of characters in a boy’s magazine, those characters seem almost thirty percent cuter than they actually are. I’d say that applies here.” “Ah-ha, I’ll check it out.” “They used the Heart Sutra for the second-season opening, too. It was a big shock.” “—Hey, by the way?” “What is it?” “Weren’t you cooking?” At some point, Shiren had come to stand in front of the TV. “I heard the word anime and came running…” “Don’t you need to watch the pot? Are you sure it’s not burning or anything?” Bang. That was not a sound you wanted to hear, especially not in the kitchen. “That definitely sounded like an explosion; are you sure things are okay back there…?” “Oh no! I put in so much chili that it blew up the pot!” “How on Earth did that happen?! You had to have put in something besides pepper, right?!” “Oh, the hamburger and fried chicken are all over the kitchen now…” Ryouta knew now that he couldn’t depend on Shiren for this. “Okay, we need to think of our next best option…” He took out his cell phone from his pocket. He had over a hundred fifty unread texts, but they were all from Kiyomizu and therefore safe to ignore. However, Kiyomizu was the one he intended to call now. “Hello, this is Kiyomizu, Ryouta dearest’s slave in love!” “If you’re my slave, then actually do what I say and don’t come into my house without permission.” “But I read the deepest parts of your heart, and they say you want me to come!” “You sure are stubborn… So where are you right now?” “In your room!” “Why?! You seriously never listen…” Ryouta was relieved he wasn’t resting in his room. “I’ve been keeping watch to make sure no stalker will break in and steal your daily necessities while you’ve been away, Ryouta dearest!” “Right, thanks. So could you tell me why you aren’t counting yourself as a stalker?” “You may pay with your body!” That was just going to be a headache to deal with, so he ignored it. “But I thought we locked everything (to keep intruders out).” “Love is not bound to dimensions or space-time!” Her excuses were getting out of hand. “So what is it you need? I think it’s a bit early for me to start my night guard (and I mean that in a sexual way). Ah, but if I were with you all the time, anywhere, twenty-four hours a day, ahhhh…” “You’re already in the house, so whatever. Guard my room if you want.” “Roger! Oh, a bug’s gotten into the room! I’ll use my chili bomb to destroy it!” “Did you put gunpowder or something in the chili? What is going on…? And don’t set off any explosions—I mean it!” Next, he decided to call Rei. “Ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem… Help, I’m coughing so much, I can’t breathe…” “That’s a new one! You’ve never asked for help the instant you picked up before…” It was impeccable timing, really. “Oh, I’m better… Ehem, it’s your sister. What do you need?” “Rei, you’re coming to tutor Shiren today, right?” “Oh… It’s getting worse… I think this is the end…” Communicating with her wasn’t easy. “Uh, if this is too much for you, I’ll just hang up…” “I’m better again… Yes, I’ll be around to tutor. I am not powerful enough to raise the grades of someone as stupid as Shiren, though.” “Thanks for the honesty. Also, can you grab something to eat on the way? I’ll pay you later.” “Are you okay with fast food?” “Yeah, perfect. Thanks.” Next, he called Tamaki. “Oh, this is Tamaki. What a shock, receiving a call. Ahh, I’m so glad I didn’t hang…” “Uh…so glad you didn’t hang what?” “Myse—” “Um, so, hey, Shijou, do you have time right now?” He had a feeling that was something he shouldn’t have asked, but he shrugged it off. “Ha-ha-ha, my schedule? It’s insignificant. In this world—” “Cool, then can you bring over whatever food or snacks you have that are about to expire? I’ll pay you later.” “All right. There are quite a lot of snacks that Kokoko opened, so I will bring those…” Yet more bad news. “We also have extra fried chicken, takoyaki, croquettes, and meat buns from our hot-food selection, so I will bring those.” “Sounds like they’re not selling…” “Why are they all bad? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired. I can’t handle this. I hate it. I want to run away. Ah-ha-ha-ha, isn’t it funny?” “Not really, sorry.” This phone conversation was getting serious, and Ryouta was getting scared. “Anyway, just bring whatever you have left! I’ll pay! Sorry for the trouble, but I appreciate it!” He hurriedly hung up. “Phew, I think things will work out somehow…” “Now let us toast to Ryouta dearest’s miraculous return home!” Kiyomizu ended up taking the lead. Besides Shiren and Ryouta, there was Kiyomizu, who had been in Ryouta’s room; Rei, who had come a bit earlier than everyone else; Tamaki, who’d brought the food; and Kokoko, who’d tagged along. They were all gathered in the living room. On the table sat the fast-food hamburgers and fries that Rei brought along, and the convenience-store staples, courtesy of Tamaki. “Ryou, why did you want to throw this little party?” Rei asked. “Because I was worried dinner would be a failure otherwise.” All their ingredients went poof in the explosion. There would almost always be some salvageable bits among the ashes of a failed cooking attempt, but there weren’t even any charred remains. “That’s why I decided to invite everyone over for a party.” “Indeed, one could say this is a very fine play of yours in a way… Nom, nom, mm, this burger with extra ketchup is delicious! The rich flavors of the condiments just take over my whole mouth until I can hardly taste the meat! But I just can’t find pure joy from it here… Ooh, these fries soaked in ketchup are delicious, too! A new way of thinking!” “Can you stop narrating your dinner? You’re making no sense.” Something didn’t really sit right with Shiren; the dissatisfaction was evident on her face. “But I was going to make food and then feed you…” Her pigtails were drooping more than normal. “I appreciate the thought. Really. And it would’ve been a pain to head out to the grocery store at that hour. Just, y’know, focus on your strengths and stuff.” Ryouta could tell that Shiren was trying her best, so he decided to give her a genuine compliment on it. “Thanks, Ryouta. What do you think my strengths are, by the way?” To be honest, I can’t think of anything… He hadn’t thought that far, so he couldn’t come up with an answer on the spot. It was probably best if he changed the subject here. “Oh, let’s put the TV on. Where’s the remote?” Shiren jammed her fingers into his eyes. “H-hey, I’m injured, remember…?” “Don’t you think you’re being a little rude to your master…? I must be good at something, right? Like English, or math?” “I’m surprised you think you’re good at that stuff with your grades… I’m actually impressed.” “My grades in English are five times higher than in science.” “No, your scores in science are just absurdly low.” Apparently, she’d never gotten anything higher than a twenty in math. She was going to need a tutor for a while. “That’s right, when you mentioned the TV I remembered that ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ahem! Cough! Cough, cough, cough! M-my chest…” “Rei! Stop immediately leaving a conversation just as you try and join one! Now I really need to know what you remembered!” “They said on the news that an envoy will apparently be going to Japan~. Oh, let me have some of the salad~. Ehem, ehem, ehem.” “I don’t think salad and coughing is a good combination… Yeah, some kind of diplomatic thing. That’s big news, huh?” “Of course it is. Ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem, ehem. If it turns out well, then we might even get to travel freely between here and Japan.” “Travel…” Maybe the day he could go back to Japan would finally come—although, in all honesty, he wasn’t too keen on the idea. He could already picture himself being stalked and targeted as he walked around the streets of Japan, having a generally terrible time thanks to his grandfather’s curse. Still, that didn’t mean he never wanted to go back. “Do you want to go back to Japan…?” Shiren asked, surprised and worried. Ryouta felt bad for having this conversation in front of her; it wasn’t the place to do so. “Let me be honest. I don’t. It’s much easier for me to live in the Empire.” “I see. That’s fine, then…” “But I do wish I could go visit sometimes. That’s all.” “Yeah, the Empire is small, and there’s barely any places to sightsee around here. But there is a small hot-springs area up north.” “Ryouta dearest! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!! Let’s stay the night there!!” Kiyomizu inserted herself into the conversation with enthusiasm. “Not a fan of that look in your eyes, Kiyomizu…” “B-b-but it’s a hot-spring resort! We can stay the night! Sleepover! Drooool…” “Whoa, you are really slobbering right now.” Who knew what kind of outrageous fantasies were playing out in her mind? “Geh-heh-heh-heh-heh… Ah-heh… Gah…” “Her fantasies were so good that she passed out. She’s quiet now, at least. I’ll take it,” Shiren said. “She’s the one person I don’t want to travel with… It’d be way too dangerous…,” Ryouta said. Shiren placed a hand on Ryouta’s knee. “Hey, Ryouta… Once you’re okay to travel…” Shiren seemed bashful, probably because she felt like she was being a little too forward. “Would you like to go somewhere together, alo—? Hrmph!” At some point, all the snacks in the center had mostly vanished. Fwsh, fwsh, fwsh! Kokoko was snatching them up with incredible speed. “Hey, you’re eating way too much. You’re a child; learn some self-control.” “I’m older than that. I’m a god’s child.” Kokoko ignored the warning and kept her chopsticks in motion. “Oh yeah, you’re right. Then act like an adult and leave some for the growing kids.” “I’m still growing, too. I look like a child.” “You and your stupid double standards! That’s unfair!” “It’s the adults who aren’t being fair. You’re still a child if you can’t understand that.” “Grrr!” Kokoko had a good handle on their argument, which made Shiren so angry that her pigtails were practically standing on end again. “But I am the master of this house—my house, my rules! So here, you— Listen to me! Stop eating!” “Then you want to compete? Not that I’d ever lose.” “Compete? For what…?” They were in the middle of their meal, so a longer contest wouldn’t be the best. “What about an eating contest?” “I could crush you in an insta— Hey! Then we’d have nothing left to eat!” After a moment of thinking, Shiren came up with an idea. “I know, I’ll ask you some questions! And if you can answer them, you can eat as much as you want!” “Hmm, I think I’d be able to answer any question you ask immediately—but fine, ask away.” Ryouta figured this was going to be an easy victory for Kokoko. Shiren’s stupidity was honestly terrifying. She’ll probably ask a really simple question like What is the capital of China? and then she’ll get the answer Beijing, and it’ll all be over. “Ahh, Kokoko may look like a child, but that was still a reckless challenge… If Shiren asks what the capital of France is, this battle will be over in record time, ehem, ehem.” Rei, Shiren’s own tutor, had given up on her. “Then here’s a geography question: What’s the capital of Beijing?” “The question is wrong!” “She’s stupider than I thought!” “Ha, how do you like that, Kokoko? You don’t seem to have the answer. I win.” “Sure, if that’s what you think. In your world.” Kokoko seemed considerably astonished as well. “Sis Tamaki, why is she this stupid? Did someone curse her?” “I don’t think so…,” Tamaki replied. “Kokoko, please don’t ask me such difficult questions…” “I’ll give you one more chance, Kokoko! What’s the national capital of Gunma Prefecture?” “Hey, you dunce, listen. For your first question, Beijing isn’t the name of a country, so there was no right answer for that. But it makes sense that you would ask that question if you’ve assumed that Beijing is city-state based on a misunderstanding that you have alone. But your next question, about the national capital of Gunma Prefecture, is doubly strange. First, it goes without saying that there is no country called Gunma Prefecture. And that the questioner herself is adding prefecture to the question. Which means that the questioner knows that Gunma is not a country. And yet you’re asking me for the national capital. It’s bizarre, honestly.” “Speak Japanese. I have no idea what you’re saying.” “You see what I have to work with, Ryou,” said Rei. “She doesn’t even realize how stupid she is.” “Stop being so honest, Rei… She’s beyond help…” There was a whole mountain of problems with her now. It was certainly going to be a difficult job for her tutor. “There’s been a breakdown in communication. Not only that, but the fool also doesn’t even realize her mistakes… Heh.” Kokoko snorted. “I can’t be bothered, so I’ll take the loss.” Kokoko plopped down onto Tamaki’s lap. “Eat as much as you like. Kokoko sleeps.” Ryouta felt a twinge of jealousy toward Kokoko. “Wah-ha-ha! I won, Ryouta! I won!” “If you think you did, then I guess so…?” “Oh dear… I don’t have any simpler material for her, ehem, ehem…” Kokoko didn’t mind the noise and was fast asleep in about a minute. “Aww, Kokoko really is a child.” Tamaki gazed down gently at her. “You two could totally be sisters.” “Yes, I have many siblings I am not related to by blood, including those I’ve never met. It doesn’t feel at all strange to have a little sister like her, hee-hee… Stepsiblings can be malicious, even though we aren’t technically total strangers…” “Sorry! I didn’t mean to touch on your homelife!” “Oh, and will there be more relatives I don’t know well coming into the store and asking to borrow money…? I could use some money myself…” “Hey, since we’re supposed to be having a party, why don’t we just enjoy ourselves…? Okay? Okay…?”
Chapter 70
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