Chapter 93

“Awrooo! (Let the first How to Make the Hero Go Home Peacefully meeting begin!)” Brought to you in the elf village by everyone who happened to be free at the time. At my declaration, hearty cheers go up from the elves. “Squeak. (This dried nut is quite delectable.)” Immediately, Len interrupts me. As she munches on a nut closely resembling an acorn, she looks exactly like a mouse and nothing more. Her overpowering draconic nature, among other things, is completely gone. “Mewl… (There’s a saying for this, isn’t there? Once you pop…)” Nahura is cleverly using her foreclaws to grip the nut she’s eating, too. I swear, the two of you… “Arwf. (How dare you ignore the purpose of our meeting to eat a snack? Give me some, too, please.)” The rich fragrance of the nuts has me beat. “Arwf. (Oh, this really is good.)” It tastes sort of like a chestnut. It’s very aromatic and has a certain sweetness to it. “That’s the nut we harvest from the Worldtree, the one we use as our home.” The eldest of the elf sisters provides an explanation immediately. She must mean the big tree Hecate healed recently. A nut from the Worldtree, huh? That’s a shame—I know that the leaves of another world tree, Yggdrasil, have the ability to resurrect the dead. Nobody in this world would get that piece of trivia, so I digest it along with the nut. “We use the flour made from these nuts in the bread you love so much, Lord Routa.” Oh, so this is where that bread comes from? It definitely tastes different when I bite into the raw ingredient. But the natural flavor is tasty in its own right. “Arwf! (Wait a minute! We came here to have a meeting!)” What am I doing, getting sidetracked by a snack from the very beginning? And with the added service of the eldest sister herself personally peeling it, too. At this rate, I’ll be the first to end up useless. “Here you are, Lord Routa. Say aah.” Yippee! Aah! “Arwf! (Wait a minute!)” Aruru is bad news. The eldest sister’s always been top tier at spoiling me. She’s very intent on dragging me down from grace. If I let her have her way, I’ll end up living here in sloth for the rest of my life. No—my home is the mansion! This village is no more than a vacation home, or something. “Mew! (Routa, it’s like you’re an adulterer surrounded by his local mistresses!)” Nahura snickers in her feline manner. Would you be quiet already? This isn’t the time to be talking about stuff like that! Isn’t that right, everyone? “Arwf, arwf. (The meeting! What shall we do, my friends? The NEET swordfighter at our mansion says the Hero, an absolute monster-killing machine, is coming to this forest.)” I construct a serious expression and look around at those at the meeting. “Mrrow? (Can’t we use the same strategy as last time? We can all hide and pretend the forest is peaceful to get the Hero to go home.)” That’s what we did with the adventurers who came before. “Squeak, squeak. (But that didn’t go so well, did it? We only deceived them because the Lady Witch was with us.)” True. Those adventurers were weaklings, too, so we had to protect them. But the adventurer coming this time is apparently amazing enough to be called “the Hero.” There might not be a point in using the same tactic. Plus, at the end of all that, we got found out anyway, and we were only able to use the strategy because of Hecate’s having been the very first guild leader. But what about this time, Miss Hecate? Does this look manageable with the power of your connections? Hecate, unusually present at our strategy meeting tonight, says something into a crystal ball about the size of her palm. “Emerada, what exactly is going on?” “I said I was sorry!” Inside the crystal is an elf—one who looks like a beautiful, but overworked, office employee. She must be someone important in the guild, which I visited some time ago in the Royal Capital. Her tiredness, coupled with her white blouse, loosened at the chest, gives her an air of sexiness. That crystal ball must be a kind of communicator. That sure is a handy item to have around. “I didn’t think the Hero would forcefully board an airship. Since it’s so far away, I planned to keep evading questions and tell you about it in the meantime. I only heard about this a little while ago myself. Don’t ask the impossible of me!” “Oh, but it sounds like the little Hero has not been properly disciplined.” “Disciplined? Now look here. I’m not you… The guild doesn’t have the power to arrest people like that. SS-Rank adventurers are allowed to act on their own judgment at the scene anyway… Also, the Hero has seemed strange lately. I would assume it’s because Zenobia is gone. She’s with you, right? Can’t you placate her?” “That is the swordswoman’s issue, so I can’t do anything about it.” “You really are a shrewd woman. More importantly, what are you doing there anyway? No sooner do you force me to be guild leader and wander off somewhere and totally disappear for a hundred years than you suddenly come back and push all this trouble on me. I’ll have you know that covering up that magical disaster was backbreaking work—preventing observation reports from reaching the royals, putting gag orders on all the adventurers making a fuss about it… Not only was it an abuse of power, I’m pretty sure I broke at least three laws.” “Yes, well, if they fire you from the guild for malfeasance, you can come here. I promise I’ll foster you.” “…Your offer is actually pretty tempting…” The guild leader’s job seems to involve some pretty shady stuff. Wait, Hecate, you just said you’d “foster” her—I assume with the money out of Papa’s pocket, right? What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is also mine, huh? That’s pretty Gian of you, as always. After promising to go out drinking with her soon, Hecate ends the call with the guild leader. “As you just heard, this seems to be the little Hero’s own decision. We probably won’t be able to use the guild’s influence to put a stop to it.” Seems the result was less than favorable. The Hero must be every bit the runaway freight train Zenobia said he was. I doubt either dialogue or persuasion would be effective on him. “Squeak. (It is but a single human. Can we not simply destroy them when they enter the forest?)” Why are all your ideas so frightening? Try thinking with something other than your muscles, you dumb dragon. “Arwf. Arf, arf. (Nope. The stronger they are, the more chances for collateral damage. We can’t allow anyone on the other side to get injured, either. Besides, if word got out that the Hero was missing, the guild really would mark this area as dangerous.)” “Mew! (Wow, Routa is speaking wisely for once!)” Heh. Self-preservation puts even my brain into full swing. I will never, ever allow my magnificent pet life to end. “Woof, woof. (We need to get the Hero to leave us in peace—that’s all that matters. Please don’t forget that.)” We can speculate from information gathered thus far that the Hero is coming to the forest because he wasn’t happy with the results of the previous investigation. In which case, he will come looking for some sort of physical proof to lend credence to his own theory. But since Hecate dealt with any possible evidence already, he won’t find anything in the way of that. She sealed up the waterfall where the magical disaster occurred and repaired the lands wrecked by the battles with the Demon Lord’s army. Even if he came to the elf village with questions, everyone there is my friend. They’ll all lie and say they don’t know anything, that nothing is suspicious. Would that make this one of those times when we just have to sit back and not do anything stupid? But wait, if we just leave the Hero be, he’ll find wild monsters. That would be reason enough for an investigation. After all, we’re up against the kind of monster slayer who would say, “I will kill monsters without mercy.” If he finds a single one, he might rampage through the whole forest on the assumption that there are more. Hrm… What to do…? “Mew, mew! (Oh, I have an idea! Why don’t we just do nothing, and run away?)” “Squeak? (What do you mean, do nothing? You’re suggesting we leave the Hero alone?)” Len, not understanding what Nahura means, tilts her head to the side. But I know exactly what she’s getting at. “That’s it!” Zenobia said this, too, didn’t she? We should just evacuate somewhere while the Hero is here. But not just me—all the monsters in the forest. Discretion is the better part of valor. If the Hero never finds anything, even he will give up and go home. “Hmm. I see.” A dark-skinned beauty nods, realizing what I’m thinking. That’s Garo, who’s attending the meeting as the Fen Wolves’ representative. She’s in human form right now, perhaps so she can hold Shiro and Kuro in her arms. The two of them are sleeping, their faces buried in Garo’s bosom. Looks like even she’s getting accustomed to being a mother. “In that case, the Fen Wolves have much to do. We are skilled at chasing prey. Please leave this to us, my king.” Garo says this with a sharp look on her face, but the two little fluffballs in her arms are just too cute for the sight to be anything other than heartwarming. “Squeak, squeak. (Still, an escape plan is a weak tactic, one which I would not have thought the King of the Fen Wolves, Fenrir, would choose. However, you do so in a bid not to leave any subordinates behind. Such consideration, as always. I believe I am falling in love with you all over again!)” I wish you wouldn’t. Anyway, I guess we can say we’ve figured out the general direction of our plan. “Woof, woof. (All right, let’s all just do what we can, then.)” “““Grwl, mewl, squeak! (Understood!)””” Let Operation Berserker, If We All Run Away Together There’s Nothing to Be Scared Of begin. “Routa, Routa! We’ll finally get to see Eliza tomorrow!” “Arwf, arwf. (Oh, that’s nice. You’ve been looking forward to this, haven’t you, my lady?)” Snuggled into bed, we can’t stop talking about the young lady Elizabeth, also known as Drills, and sometimes Drillizabeth. Lady Mary talks about things like what they’ll do together tomorrow and the places she wants to show her; eventually the lights are off and her eyes are closed, but she still doesn’t fall asleep until the moon is high in the sky. My eyelids are heavy, too—and all I was doing was saying things like “Oh, really” and “I see.” It would be difficult to go out tonight. Still, the operation is already underway. Now I just have to pray the Fen Wolves do a good job. I’ll have to do my best tomorrow, too—to protect my daily life as a NEET and a pet. Come at me, you damned Hero. I’ll show you just how adept we are at running and hiding. After rallying my backward resolve, I fix the covers over my lady and close my eyes. And the next day, under clear skies, we look up at a giant ship about to land in the courtyard. “Arwf. (Every time I see it, I’m struck by how huge it is.)” The big airship just barely fits in the yard, which is awfully large. I don’t understand how the thing can fly, but as its enormous mass moves, I don’t feel anything aside from a slight breeze. It appears completely weightless. Hecate told me earlier that she helped construct it, so maybe it uses some flotation magic in its flying mechanism, since Hecate and Nahura are really good at that. I also think Papa gave a detailed explanation of it once before, too, but I didn’t really care, so I forgot it all. Sorry, Papa. Machines and techno jargon aren’t really my thing. “Yawn… I should have washed my face earlier…” My lady’s lack of sleep must be weighing on her. She’s leaning up against me and rubbing her sleepy eyes. Unlike me, she doesn’t take afternoon naps, so of course she’s tired. Her single-minded excitement to see Drills is keeping her eyes open, but she’d probably doze off right away if she weren’t careful. “Ahem…” Miranda, standing behind us, clears her throat. The young lady, flustered, snaps to attention, but limply leans against me a few moments later. You’re cute even when you’re all sleepy and slovenly like this. “Arwf, arwf. (Lean on me all you want, if that’s what you wish.)” I’d welcome you anytime with this fluffy fur of mine. In the meantime, the airship completes its landing. It still appears to be floating just above the ground, as though its power source isn’t entirely shut off. It would be awful if it damaged the lawn in the courtyard—the old gardener would probably start crying. But it remains motionless; a big-armed navigator is probably controlling it. A door opens on the bottom section of the ship, and an exit gangway extends from within. It then creates a set of stairs between it and the ground, at last enabling passengers to alight. Drills and the Hero seem to be the only two passengers, but the crew hastily gets off the ship first to tie it down to the yard. Oh, there’s Drills now. And just then, I see another person next to her. This person appears to be her escort and is holding her hand respectfully. What a pretty boy. He’s got short black hair with a sheen to it and deep-blue eyes. He’s clad in immaculate silver armor and has a large, snow-white sword on his back. Everything, from his face to his gear, asserts that he is indeed the Hero. “Arwgh…! (Damn you, pretty boy…! Just as I thought, our fates cannot be allowed to intertwine…!)” My determination flares into hostility at the sight of this “Hero.” I’m lying. I couldn’t possibly allow him to pick up on my hostility. He’d mark me an enemy. I’m just wagging my tail, carefree, welcoming our guests. I hide my fangs, stick out my tongue, and pant. I pretend to be a submissive dog, all the while praying that he’ll spontaneously combust. Yes, I know I’m being petty. And yes, I’m going to continue being petty. “…Hey. Why are you here?” whispers Zenobia from behind me. “Didn’t I explain the dangers? Why are you showing yourself instead of hiding?” “Arwf. (Heh. There’s only one thing it could be.)” To prevent the Hero from stealing my lady’s heart! If there’s anything I care more about than personal danger, it’s Lady Mary. She’s a big Hero fan. She never fails to read books about him every night. If that hottie Hero flashes her a cool smile, that by itself might be enough to do her in. No. No, I say! The young lady’s attentions must be focused 100 percent on me. You won’t like me when I’m jealous. Just you try and do anything untoward to her—I’ll never allow it, damn you. Not that I can do very much! I can bark and…that’s about it! “Arwf, arwf. (Still, I do have a solid chance at victory.)” Observe where I’m sitting. To my left is Papa, and to my right is Lady Mary. And behind me is Zenobia. I already have a formation of ironclad shields protecting me. Papa is a frontier noble, and the young lady is his noble daughter. If you were to try and cut me down in front of them, they’d arrest you on the spot. I’m this house’s pet. Property of the Faulks family. Hurt me, and you pick a fight with nobles. You may be an SS-Rank adventurer, but these are nobles we’re talking about—don’t think for a second you can get away with being rude to them. And if, for whatever reason, he’s enough of a berserker to ignore that and attack me, Zenobia will protect me. A berserker for a berserker. We have our own violent lunatic! Don’t underestimate her! “Woof, woof! (Yeah! Papa, Lady Mary, Zenobia! Make sure to protect me! I’m counting on you!)” Protected by twin powers of authority and martial prowess, I have no blind spots. Fwa-ha-ha! How do you like my perfect defensive formation? Come at me anytime, so-called Hero! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! “…? I don’t know what’s going through your head, but you have a serious look in your eyes. You must have an idea… All right. I’ll leave it to you.” “A-arwf? (Wait, what? Zenobia, did you turn on your ‘blind to everything’ setting?)” I’ll let you do something about it, you know? You’re my last bastion, you know? If that Hero is the kind of monster slayer who would charge in without thinking, you’re the one who’s going to be fighting him! Don’t be so relaxed! Protect me like you’re supposed to! Be on your guard! You need to be more cautious around this Hero! Look, he’s about to come down the gangplank! The Hero, graceful in contrast to my panic, escorts Drills down the steps. Grr. I want to escort Drills, too. I’d have the blond beauty put a leash on me and walk me around the city in style. …Wait, that’s just a normal walk. Not that I dislike walks, but still. “Eliza!” cries the young lady, springing back up out of her sleepiness. “It is good to see you, Lady Meariya Von Faulks. Thank you very much for your invitation this—” “Eliza! I missed you so much!” As Drills tries to curtsy and give a classy greeting, Lady Mary charges and tackles her to the ground. “H-hey! Mary! Would it kill you to be a little more refined?” “Eliza, Eliza, Eliza!” Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff. The young lady hugs Drills, burying her head in the girl’s chest, which is ample despite her age. Actually, she’s taking very deep breaths, as if to savor Drillizabeth’s scent. That’s strange. Is that not my special privilege as a dog? I want to sniff her and nuzzle her and get her to pet me, too. But with the Hero right next to them, it would be too dangerous to leave Papa and Zenobia’s side! I must endure! I must! “Oh, Mary. I’m happy to see you again after so long, too.” Drills gently pets the young lady’s head. Lady Mary has a much, much higher social position since she was born into nobility, but the two of them are like friendly sisters with each other. “Your hands, if you please?” says the Hero, making use of his hotness again to extend a hand to help them up. Damn you, pretty boy. Accumulating points already? You’re lucky I’m too scared to move from this spot. Up close, the man is so good-looking even I, a male, am almost caught staring. He has a young boy’s soprano. His voice is simply intoxicating. Wait. What am I getting intoxicated for? Get a grip! He’s an enemy trying to steal the young lady’s attention away. “Thank you very much for escorting me. I had a very good time listening to your stories on the ship.” “The pleasure’s all mine. Nothing is more fun than getting to talk to someone as beautiful as you.” He smiles coolly, and you can almost see the sparkle on his pearly whites. Shit. Super-handsome shit. “Arwf! (Oh! My lady! Is Lady Mary all right?! She’s not the Hero’s prisoner now, is she?!)” If she is, I’ll be forced to fight him for real. I’m fully prepared to unleash my new killer move: the Cute Pose Custom. I intend to charm him with all my might. “Thank you very much!” Lady Mary thanks the Hero with a smile after she’s helped up, but that’s all she says before going back to talking to Drills. Huh? No interest? Drills must think it’s strange, too. She tilts her head, confused at how the young lady withdrew so quickly. “Oh? Mary, I would have thought you’d want to hear the Hero’s stories. We’ve talked about fairy tales of the Hero many times in our letters, haven’t we?”