Something had been niggling at her all this time, a sense that she’d missed something. It was a vague anxiety that had sat in the pit of her stomach, with no forthcoming explanation as to its cause.
If only I had figured it out sooner. The crushing weight of regret pressed down on her heart.
The deacon began sputtering, regaining his breath. They had found him just in time. The director sprinted away to call for a doctor.
As soon as the danger had passed, Claudia’s legs gave out.
“Lady Claudia!” Helen cried, flying to her side.
Carlo had no idea how right he’d been. Even a deacon needed someone to support and comfort him.
How many people have I managed to comfort? The only person she had touched and closely interacted with since the beginning of her visits was Nelly. Given her elevated position, there was a limit to how many people she could engage with on that level. When they first came and the people barred their way, she’d had to speak with them through a wall of knights. And now she knew that there were people who needed more help than she’d thought.
The deacon was one of those people. The clergy were humans too. I knew that and still overlooked this man.
Carlo’s words haunted her: “Those who guide others need to practice self-care more than most.” He’d also said that she and Lestea were self-possessed, which was why they had been chosen.
There’s a reason I’m as strong as I am, though. Helen ushered Claudia into the deacon’s living room, guiding her to a seat. Claudia’s eyes lingered on her beloved maid. It’s because I’ve always had so many people supporting me.
Helen and the other veteran courtesans had been there for her when her life went belly-up. They taught her how to live anew, gave her the motivation to keep going, to keep learning. She’d only made it this far in her second timeline because countless people had her back. Before she met Helen in her last timeline, she’d probably needed a companion more than anyone else. She understood better than most what it was like to feel all alone, with no one to rely on.
When did I become so dense? In retrospect, there had been numerous signs. She’d wondered if she was truly worthy when Gique approached her about becoming A Priori. Her heart had been warning her that she was overlooking something.
Claudia was spending more time with high-ranking aristocrats daily, Elizabeth chief among them. In her initiatives with Rose Garden, she considered everything from the perspective of a policymaker. She wasn’t putting herself in the shoes of the people in the slums. There were misgivings lurking in the corner of her heart about how dramatically her life had changed since her brothel days.
The deacon had accompanied the refugees with a strong desire to help all the people he could, but the overwhelming nature of the situation had still chipped away at him until he could find no other answer but this. What about the others?
Claudia had included the refugees in her policies because she wanted to create a future with them. She’d assumed she could save people by offering them provisions and stipends. But was that enough? Claudia had never left her homeland. In her brothel days, she’d been confined to the capital.
Nina said it was like being skinned alive. That was how she had described being torn away from her home and family. The only thing she could do to put up with the fear was pray.
Why hadn’t Claudia realized all this until now? She should have paid more attention to the refugees’ mental states.
I can’t blame the saint for this. The saint was a symbol of hope for the refugees. Many had been saved because of her pleas for their protection. Claudia and so many others had mistakenly believed that would be enough. The saint and the clergy were supposed to provide the mental support, and so Claudia and the local administration hadn’t.
There was so much for her to reflect on, but she resisted the temptation to cradle her head in her hands. I can’t waste my time on regrets. Now that she’d realized her error, the next step was to find a solution. She had Helen and so many others to help her. People she could consult for advice.
While she was rallying her spirits, the doctor arrived. After a quick exam, he announced that the deacon was all right, but that it was important to keep an eye on him.
“It’s lucky you were able to find him so quickly,” said the doctor. “He’s unconscious now, so we’ll have to wait until he wakes to be absolutely sure.”
Claudia excused herself. There was nothing more she could do for the deacon. The rest was up to the director. “Please let me know when you learn more about his condition,” she said.
“I will. Had you not noticed something was amiss, I fear we would’ve been too late to save him. I know it must have been traumatizing. I hope you won’t let it haunt you too much, my lady.”
“That’s kind of you to say. This incident has made me realize how many people I have supporting me.”
Claudia returned to her carriage to head back to her family’s estate, the issue weighing on her mind.
Helen sat beside her, anxious. “Lady Claudia, are you all right?”
“Yes. I feel much calmer now,” Claudia assured her. “This must have shaken you too.”
“I didn’t see what was happening until the knights had already cut the deacon down. Thankfully, they had him breathing soon enough, so it wasn’t too traumatizing for me.”
“That’s good.” Claudia paused. “Would you mind helping me collect my thoughts?”
“I certainly don’t mind—but aren’t you pushing yourself?”
Claudia smiled thinly. “I have you to look out for me. I’m quite all right. I don’t look too pale, do I?”
Helen studied Claudia’s face closely before nodding. She seemed satisfied enough to let Claudia continue.
“What bothers me was the timing of the deacon’s suicide attempt.”
The deacon wouldn’t have been able to take his own life in that manner while living in the facility, surrounded by people. It was only possible once he was alone, and there was no one to keep an eye on him. She said as much to Helen.
“That’s a good observation,” said Helen. “I agree, he wouldn’t have resorted to it if he hadn’t been living by himself.”
“And that makes me wonder: Could the same not apply to others?”
When she last visited the refugees, they were huddled in the plaza, and there had been few opportunities for total privacy. Someone was always watching. What if moving into the residential district and being all alone had negative consequences?
“It may be best for us to keep tabs on those living alone,” Claudia concluded.
“Hard to believe that offering people housing could lead to something so tragic.”
The director had said the refugees were in better spirits now. That much was probably true for those who had made connections, but not everyone could adjust as easily. Not even the deacon could withstand the mental toll. What about other refugees?
“The older men and women probably have a stronger connection to their homeland than the younger generation,” said Claudia.
Statistically speaking, there were more refugees with family than without. Most of those who had come alone were elderly, their children conscripted back home. Moving to a foreign land had more of an impact on them than the younger ones. Many were physically and mentally fatigued from the voyage.
The refugees mostly had separate living quarters now, which meant they weren’t keeping watch on one another as they had once been. Maybe there were quite a few struggling to seek the help they needed as they adjusted to their new lives. Claudia needed to pay more attention to their mental health.
She continued discussing the topic with Helen, puzzling out a strategy for handling this new challenge until the carriage rolled to a stop.