My feet stopped halfway down the corridor, one hand pressed tight against my chest. It felt as if a gaping hole had opened there. Even as dull-headed as I was, I realized then that I was in shock. The sight of the prince laughing was seared into the back of my eyelids and wouldn’t go away, alongside the image of him and Lady Irene looking so intimate, drawn together beneath the trees.
I’d had a vague inkling that this day might come, but now that it was actually upon me, it was worse than I had imagined, with all the impact of a cannonball. In these past four years, I’d grown greatly attached to all of them and the time we’d shared.
I was a fiancée in name only, a temporary placeholder to be removed when the prince found someone he truly loved. That’s all I was. All I was supposed to be.
It was strange. My heart twisted so tight it brought me to tears. Me, the Bibliophile Princess. A sense of loss ate at me from the inside, one I hadn’t experienced since my mother passed away when I was six. I softly stroked the book in my other hand. Books had always consoled me in times like these. This one in particular I had received just six days ago from Prince Christopher. It had been a bright afternoon...
Ever since the incident in the rose garden, the prince and Lord Glen had a tense aura about them. I, myself, felt unpleasant about the situation. I was reading a book as I always did when the prince called out to me, carrying a gentle aura about him.
“I have a gift,” he said.
I tilted my head ever so slightly. The prince didn’t often bring me gifts anymore. I always shuddered whenever we had a dance party or outing and he presented lavish gifts of clothing or accessories (all for the purpose of keeping up appearances as the crown prince’s betrothed).
How many books could you buy for the same price as this piece of jewelry?
The question never left my lips, but the prince must not have seen fit to empty the treasury on account of his false fiancée, for shortly thereafter he ceased presenting me with such extravagant pieces. Thus it was rare for him to present any gifts, and my heart fluttered from the novelty.
Prince Christopher beamed as he always did, holding out an unwrapped tome. “A Record of the Downfall of the Kai Arg Empire - Astrologian’s Edition. You wanted a book on the old empire that wasn’t written by a historian, yes? There aren’t very many copies in circulation out there so it was a bit of a hard find, but...I finally found it and wanted to hand it to you as soon as I could. I thought you’d enjoy it.” He spoke with a gentle smile on his face, his eyes monitoring my reaction in earnest.
I was immediately at a loss for words, trembling with emotion. The book he’d obtained on my behalf was an extremely difficult one to find, even with my family’s connections, and I’d nearly given up on it. Now as I saw it before me, I was overcome with shock and emotion. More than anything, I was delighted that the prince would use his time and resources to go to the trouble of hunting it down for me.
The feel of the foreign letters embossed on the cover as my hand ghosted over it made my heart flutter once again. “Thank you, Prince Christopher.” I wasn’t sure how better to convey my joy beyond those words. It was all I could do to gaze back at him, eyes trembling with emotion.
“Good,” he grinned happily, as if relieved to see I was pleased.
Recalling the happiness I felt back then helped soothe the emptiness I felt now. Even if the prince had someone he truly loved, someone he could be completely authentic with, and even if our engagement was annulled, Prince Christopher was not the type to treat me cruelly. Instead of waiting for the end to come, I summoned what little courage I had and decided to ask him myself.
~.~.~.~
While I spent most of my time in the royal archives, the prince’s office was a close second. Entering such a place when I was merely his betrothed could present a number of problems, so I’d initially rejected his invitation, but then the prince had said, “This is the best place for you to be able to read completely uninterrupted.” And when I took him up on that offer, I discovered he was right. The room was cut off from the noise of the outside world. It really made me feel like he was honoring his initial promise.
When I made a request of the chamberlain (with whom I was well-acquainted) to let me see His Highness, the man was terribly flustered. Was the prince receiving an important guest? I realized what was going on only after the door to the neighboring conference room popped open and a serving maid stepped out. A charming voice spilled out with her.
“I never realized you were so interested in handiwork, Prince Christopher.”
“That’s only because the way you talk about it is so intriguing, Lady Irene.”
“Dear me,” she giggled delightedly.
Their words pierced me through the heart, though I wasn’t sure at first whether to attribute the blame for that to the prince or Lady Irene. But Prince Christopher’s words followed soon enough, as if pouring salt on an already opened wound.
“Even if I were to present a crafted work to you as a gift, I’m sure it wouldn’t compare to the quality of your house’s craftsman.”
“So you’re saying you would give me a gift?” Her voice, overflowing with joy, was like a killing blow that echoed in my ears.
So that’s how it is. Somewhere inside, the calmer part of me understood. I had accepted the prince’s gift, thinking it special, but it hadn’t meant anything to him. Suddenly the rare tome in my arms lost its luster and became meaningless. I felt like I might crumple to my knees. I let out a small, shaky breath, waved off the flustered maid, and slipped into the room.
Prince Christopher jumped to his feet, unable to keep his composure. “Eli...?!”
Inwardly, I felt confused that he would call me by that nickname now, a nickname used only by my family and those closest to me, but more importantly, I had to pay my respects as a lady and apologize for my unauthorized intrusion.
“No, that’s fine,” he said, “but...weren’t you supposed to be visiting your aunt today?”
I felt my gaze suddenly grow cold, which was something unusual for me. His words seemed to be a direct confession that he’d aimed for a time when I wouldn’t be in the palace so he could gallivant with another woman. Or at least that was the ill-natured interpretation that flashed through my mind.
At the same time, I could feel the muscles in my face, which normally never moved, slip smoothly into a smile. “There are no words to properly convey my gratitude at your concern over my aunt’s illness, Your Highness. In truth, I had a small affair to attend to here today, but I apologize for interrupting what appears to be a delightful discussion.”
“Uh, and what affair is that?” He was being unusually timid.
The room was full of its usual occupants: Glen, who for some reason had a hand pressed over his face, and Alexei, who had a hand to his forehead as if he were battling a migraine. Lady Irene, the only woman in the room, looked shocked, but the moment she recognized me, she had that same look of terror she’d worn before.
My eyes didn’t hover on any of those three. There was only one person I focused my gaze on, and that was Prince Christopher. I mimicked him, grinning wide as he always did, giving the biggest smile I could muster. “About this book that you gifted to me the other day...I’ll be returning it to you.”