Mai looked up, breaking out of her self-satisfied grin and hand-to-the-chin pose. “Huh? Then why did you look so anguished?”
“I was just spacing out, that’s all.”
Oduka-san stared at me in disbelief. “That’s what you look like when you’re spacing out?”
What? Did zoning out really make me look that upset?
“But you went over the fence, didn’t you?” she persisted.
“Only because you came running at me, and I tried to get away.”
“Oh?”
“…And then I lost my balance and fell,” I admitted.
The Amaterasu of Ashigaya High hid her face away behind the blocked cave door of her hands. “Which means,” she said, “that I shouldn’t have run after you after all. It’s all my fault that you ended up in danger. You almost died because of me.”
“Wait! No, but I’m happy that you were so worried about me, I guess! Even if I would have been totally fine in the first place if you hadn’t come along!”
My babbling only made her fold into herself further.
“I see. So this all happened because I was too rash,” she mumbled.
“No, that’s not what I’m trying to say! Um—oh, gosh—uh, I mean.”
I scooted up the branch and racked my brain for the right words. But here’s the thing—if I knew what to say in those kinds of situations, then I wouldn’t even have run up to the roof in the first place!
“It’s not exactly your fault,” I tried. “I’m pretty sure we could even say it’s no one’s fault. After all, I was kinda the one who caused it, right?”
The more I talked, the more she wilted, her natural radiance losing its luster. Oh my god, what was I to do now?
I screwed my eyes shut. “Um, so here’s the thing!” I yelled. “I’m actually really bad at talking with people in big groups!”
To hell with all the fine details of communication! Oduka-san looked up at me with big, blinking eyes. “You think you’re bad at talking?” she asked. “But you always act so cheerful and outgoing.”
“Nuh-uh. Every time I have a conversation with someone, it completely drains all my MP.”
She tilted her head in confusion at that last bit. Oduka-san probably wasn’t much of a gamer. Ugh, I must have been making zero sense to her!
“I have like zero conversational skill!” I blurted out. “Unless I focus really, really hard, all your conversations feel like a super-fast basketball game where I never get the ball. I’m scared of awkward silences, so I always rattle on about the first thing that comes to mind, and I keep stealing other people’s turns to speak!”
She looked even more confused.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I cried. “But you must have had moments like this, right? You know, like those nights where once you start cringing over every little thing you did wrong that day, you can never get to sleep… Wait, you mean you don’t do that? You’re incredible!”
I really meant that last compliment. I thought it was amazing that her social skills were so strong. I knew I could never be like her.
“So I was tired of it all and ran away up to the roof to recharge and get some me time to think things over. Because if I didn’t, I was actually going to die!”
My breathing was coming in ragged gasps. There’s a particular persuasive quality to a person who almost fell to her death saying she’s “actually going to die.”
Little Miss Perfect gave me a faint smile. “I see now,” she said. “That means that I’ve been making you do something you didn’t want to do. I’m sorry. I always thought we were having fun together. I really had no idea it preoccupied you this much, but I’m so sorry.”
“No!” I wailed. Of course this happened! Whenever someone says they’re bad at anything, it’s only natural for everyone else to feel sorry for them! I hadn’t meant to, but I’d only added fuel to the fire of her burning guilt.
I didn’t even think. I just grabbed her sleeve and said, “No, I like talking! It’s just a lot of hard work for me. But it’s still fun, I promise! It’s like sports, you know? They’re fun, but they also tire you out easily, ’cause I’m not as good at this whole conversation thing as you and all the other girls are.”
It was only then, when I got all this off my chest, that I realized I’d stunned Oduka-san into silence. Oh my goooooood. What in the world was I doing? Oduka-san must have been totally put off by me now. At this rate, tonight’s self-loathing session was going to be extra long, the ol’ up until 5 a.m. special…
Oduka-san stared at me with clear bewilderment in her eyes, but then, all the same, her mouth creaked open as if someone had pulled on tiny threads to part her lips.
“I see now,” she said. “I suppose it’d be rather arrogant of me to say that I know exactly how you feel, but I’ve definitely had times when I’ve felt similar.”
Wow. Was she just saying that…?
Well, maybe not. She was already looking down and away from me again as she went on. The girl in front of me was clearly a far cry from the confident girl I saw every day in class.
“As you can clearly see,” she said, “I’m Oduka Mai. I’m very lucky to have many privileges, and I put in just as much effort to match that…or rather, I try to.”
When she declared it so openly like that, I felt like I totally agreed. Oduka-san was incredible. She was absolutely stunning, super kind to everyone, and an all-around good person to the point of literally jumping off a roof to save me.
“Everyone enjoys having me around, don’t they?” she said. “And that’s because I do my best to make sure of that fact. It gives me pleasure to see everyone having fun. But sometimes, I feel like you do. I wonder if anyone is ever seeing the real me, and on some days, I just feel so alone.”
“Oh.”
“Perhaps I’m only acting as the Oduka Mai character everyone wants me to be.”
For a moment, her eyes met mine, but then she quickly looked away again.
“Sorry,” she said. “I’m always striving to be perfect, so it isn’t right of me to say such nonsense. You must be so confused, I’m sure.”
“No, not at all.”
Her cheeks were flushed red in embarrassment. Even as my inner anti-social jerk whispered, “Okay, edgelord, go back to junior high,” I really did consider what she said. The real her, huh?
“You know…” I began. “I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard you complain about anything.” I guess I always assumed that Oduka-san, what with being showered with societal acceptance from birth, must be a total stranger to these kinds of anxieties.
Her skin, otherwise white as snow, darkened in an embarrassed blush as she murmured, “I’ve never talked about this to anyone before, of course. Are you disappointed in me?”
“Huh? No, not at all!” And I really meant that. I shook my head to try to indicate that this was all totally normal. “I’m glad that I got to learn how hard you work to stay positive. That makes me think I want to work harder too, honestly.”
Whenever I opened my mouth, I always ended up too wrapped up in what I was saying to look at the other person. “But it’s so tiring, of course,” I continued, “to keep working so hard every day, so that’s why today I came up to the roof to escape.”
Far, far above my head, the sun in the bright blue sky shone down upon the rooftop. I could barely believe we’d fallen from so high up and lived to tell the tale.
“Wait, why are we having this conversation in a tree, anyway?” I asked. “Oduka-san, if you want, you should come with me to the roof next time. We can take a break together. Just, this time, on the other side of the fence.” Smiling desperately, I extended both arms to her.
“Really?” she asked. “Is that why you were on the roof? Oh, but no. I don’t want to get in your way when you’re taking a break, and besides, I already made us both fall because I misunderstood.”
“I-I already told you, don’t worry about that!” I pleaded with her, leaning forward. “No matter what mistakes you’ve made before, no matter how many mistakes you make now, I swear I’ll accept you for who you are! Besides, I live my entire life making mistakes day in and day out. I’d be freaking done for if people couldn’t be forgiven for making even a single mistake. So it’s fine, because I’ll be here for you!”
Why was I blabbering on again?
“If you keep thinking, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t be like this,’ ‘Oh, I can do better,’ then you’re just going to make things harder for yourself. It’s really okay, I promise. It’s okay to take a break every now and then.”