A few days before, I rose from my drab bed and went into the living room. I was greeted by an unusual sight: my father, prostrating himself. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him in such a pathetic position.
“I’m sorry Noir! I’m so sorry!” he exclaimed, forehead pressed firmly into the floor.
“Father, raise your head. What on earth is the matter?”
“Noir, there is something I must tell you about the library…”
Perhaps I should take a moment to introduce myself: I’m Noir, the third son of the noble Stardia family. I had just graduated from Jastal Preparatory School, where commoners and the nobility mingled freely. Due to family circumstances, I’d decided to enter the workforce rather than pursue higher education. My soon-to-be workplace was a library, which I guess is just a roundabout way of saying I was about to become a librarian. I’d been a bookworm ever since I was little, so I was excited.
“Yes, I know, father. I start today. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Oh, um, so about that librarian position…those strings I pulled didn’t exactly work.”
“What? I thought you set it up with your friend?”
“Well, apparently a viscount suddenly called in a favor for his son and now there are no openings.”
I’d lost my job before I even started. I could feel a headache coming on. The aristocracy had a certain hierarchy—duke, marquess, earl, viscount, baron and baronet—and generally you can’t oppose someone with a higher title. This would probably be a good opportunity to mention that our family, the Stardias, hold a baronetcy. Even in the kindest light, we barely qualify as nobility. We certainly couldn’t stand up to a count.
“Please stand up, father. Yes, becoming a librarian has been my dream since I was a small child, and I was desperately looking forward to it, but I simply…cannot resent you for it, father.”
“Really? Not even a little?!”
“But what am I going to do now, you old far…father?”
“You were about to call me ‘old fart’ weren’t you?! You were! I knew you were angry, my dear boy…”
“All right, jokes aside. What am I going to do? I know we hardly count as nobles, but it’s pretty unseemly for a baronet’s son to be unemployed.”
Wounded by my jab about our status, my father turned the conversation over to my mother and sister.
“Noir, I know it’s not your first choice, but why don’t you try taking the exam for the Hero Academy?” my mother asked.
“I would never pass.”
“Well, if that happens, I’ll support you, brother dearest.”
“I appreciate it, Alice, but I don’t really like the idea of leeching off you. I think I’ll take a walk to gather my thoughts.”
As I roamed the neighborhood, trying to process the shock, a beautiful girl ran toward me, her ample bosom bouncing with each step.
“Good morning, Noir! Are you ready?”
“Oh, morning, Emma.”
Her name was Emma Brightness, and she was sixteen years old with a girlish charm. Her face promised that she’d mature into a legendary beauty, and her bust made her the idol of our prep school—and not just with the boys, if you know what I mean. She wore a cheap barrette in her glossy blonde hair; I’d given it to her. The two of us had grown up together.
“Ehe he he he! We’re going to be librarians together now, Noir! It’ll be hard work, but we’ll do it!”
She was so excited about the prospect of us working together that it pained me to break the news, but I told her what had happened.
“What? So, w-w-wait, this means you aren’t going to be a librarian?”
“Apparently not. I’ll just have to support you from the shadows, Emma.”
Emma’s father was a baron and, unlike the Stardias, her family had both financial and social capital in abundance. Our parents were friends, and we’d spent a lot of time together ever since we were kids. Despite the difference in our class, she never looked down on me. We were even going to work together—or at least, we were supposed to.
“Hey, why do you seem more bummed out about this than I am?” I asked.
“I mean, like…look, I was really looking forward to sharing some good news, but how am I supposed to do that now?”
“Good news?”
“Yeah, it’s about your skill. See, I was reading some ancient texts yesterday and it got me thinking.”
“You mean my Great Sage skill? Do tell.”
Great Sage was my one and only skill, and it was a pretty rare one. My parents jumped for joy at the church’s skill appraisal when I was seven. Great Sage is a skill possessed by celebrated sages, and many fundamental truths about the world have been learned through its use. It’s even answered things that scholars couldn’t previously understand. But as great a gift as it was, it was wasted on me. I couldn’t use it.
Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Technically I could use it, but every time it gave me a headache so bad I’d wish I was dead. It was called a cluster headache. At any rate, the excruciating pain prevented me from ever making use of my skill’s true potential.
“I found a note about the sage, Marlin. Apparently, whenever he had a bad headache, he would call upon his wives and demand kisses.”
“A perv with a kiss fetish? Impressive combo.”
“Listen! Marlin would get headaches when he used his skill too, so maybe those kisses alleviated them.”
“Well, I guess that’s possible.”
“Right? S-so, wh-what if we try it?”
“What? You and me?”
“Wh-who else would I be talking about? We’ve known each other since we were little, a kiss is basically nothing. People greet each other with kisses in other countries anyway, and I am an adult, you know…”
I let out a chuckle as I watched her squirm. She was probably just trying to be nice.
“All right,” I said. “Make it quick then.”
“Q-quick?! Wh-where’s the romance in that?!”
“Romance?”
“Let’s go to the clocktower,” she declared.
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at, but I followed her to the top of the clocktower anyway.
Once we were there, she said, “G-go ahead.”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
Her lips were soft and warm, but I found myself distracted. I couldn’t help wondering whether this would actually work.
“You can do it!” Emma gave me a boost of encouragement.
At that, I felt power surge through my body, and I called upon my skill.
Great Sage, please answer my call.
<As you wish.>
I want to get stronger so I can pass the entrance exam for the Hero Academy. Tell me, what’s the fastest way to become stronger?
<Exploring a hidden dungeon is the most effective method.>
My…my head…?
Normally, the pain would have started at this point, but I was totally fine! I was so excited that my next thought just slipped out of my mouth. “Where is the closest dungeon?”
<Walk 48,048 meters southwest and enter the cave you find there. Follow the cave for 100 yards and press the button on the right wall. A staircase leading to the Infinite Labyrinth will appear. There you shall recite the following spell—>
Though I heard the incantation, I was fairly distracted by incandescent agony.
“Agh! My brain feels like it’s going to explode through my eye sockets!”
“Noir?! Should I give you another kiss?!”
“Please!”
We kissed, several times in fact, and the splitting pain vanished like it had never been. I couldn’t believe that kissing actually worked, but I was getting a little unsettled, so I stopped using the skill.
“We…we kissed seven times…” Emma said. Her face was red as an apple as we walked home.
“Thanks for what you did for me today,” I said. “I hope I can call on you again in my time of need.”
“Uh…f-fine, I can’t abandon someone in need.”
I said my goodbyes and ran home as fast as I could. When I walked in, my father was still prostrating himself on the floor.
“Noir! With utmost sincerity, I beg—”
“Enough, father! Bring me the sharpest blade in the house!”
“Spare me! You can even call me ‘old fart’ if you want, I won’t mind! Anything! Just don’t kill me!”
“What are you, stupid?! I’m not going to kill you! I need a sword to train for the Hero Academy!”
“Oh, now I get it.”
And with that, he lent me his finest, sharpest sword. Despite what you might think, my father used to be an adventurer too. Granted, it had been as a part-time job when he was short on cash, but he was an adventurer nonetheless. At any rate, I strapped the sword to my hip and dashed out of town.
The sun was directly overhead by the time I arrived at my destination. The cave in question didn’t draw much attention to itself. I slipped past the entrance and pressed on the wall a little way inside, just as my skill had directed. It really moved! The space closed off, turning it into a small room, and a staircase appeared, leading down.
Thank the Great Sage!
I nervously descended into the unknown.
“Whoa, it’s true.”
The stairs led down into an open space with massive metal gates that even powerful magic likely wouldn’t move. I stood before them and recited the spell.
“Hidden dungeon only I can enter—let me train in secret to become the strongest in the world!”
The room rumbled and, to my surprise, that profoundly stupid password opened the gates. I never would have figured it out on my own.
This hidden dungeon is mine and mine alone, I thought as I triumphantly walked through.